


meet me at red dragon

by watergator



Series: mmard [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Deaf Character, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Minor Injuries, Parenthood, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2019-08-08 11:31:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 91,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16428563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watergator/pseuds/watergator
Summary: phil lester is a single 31 year old with a wild eight year old, ethan. dan howell is single 27 year old with a quiet five year old, noah.when they meet at their son's swim lessons, for some reason phil can't get the pretty brown eyed stranger out of his head.





	1. Chapter 1

Phil doesn’t mind Fridays. When he was a kid Fridays were the promise of the weekend just after, Fridays were the nights at uni that he’d let himself veg out and order pizza to his room. Fridays are arguably the best day in the week; work finishes and he has a whole two days to take some time out.

But the one thing Phil hates most about Fridays is his son’s hour long swimming lesson at half eight at night every week.

So when Ethan, his excitable and loveable eight-year-old had begged and pleaded him to sign him up for swimming lessons, along with being a good parent that cared about extracurricular activities outside of school and caring about his son wanting to do something with his Fridays, Phil allowed him to attend swimming lessons every Friday night.

It wasn’t that Phil didn’t love sitting and watching his favourite little person have fun learning, but the 4g was shit in the sports complex and to be frank, it was rather boring sometimes.

So Phil sits on rows of seats surrounding around the pool with the other bored looking parents; probably all reminiscing what Friday nights used to be like for them before kids.

He checks his emails, but it’s useless because again, there’s no WiFi and the 4g never seems to work in here. So Phil is forced to watch the very slow and boring looking swimming lesson going on in his son’s swim lane.

He watches Ethan, who holds onto the side of the pool and kicks his legs out. Water splashes around him, and when he catches eyes with his dad watching him, his face breaks into a wide smile and he loses his grip with one hand and tries to wave and kick at the same time. His head ducks under, only for a second, and Phil can feel the panicked tug in his chest before the teacher comes over, lifts him up an inch above the water and tells him to hold onto the side again.

He can see Ethan laugh and turn his head to talk to some of his new friends as they laugh about something funny, maybe some joke about drowning, Phil doesn’t know, but when the teacher stands and talks to the class, too far away for Phil to hear, he becomes bored again.

He checks his phone again, purely out of habit when he notices someone sit just a few seats away from him. Great. A whole row of seats in the entire pool area and this guy wants to sit as close as he can to him.

Phil continues looking through his phone, the same twitter feed popping up due to it not being able to refresh, until he hears a tapping sound.

He looks over to see the man, a tall young looking man bouncing his leg up and down, his trainers bounce off the plastic floor.

He has worried looking eyes that gaze over at the pool and Phil tries not to huff a little laugh; he knows the feeling of a worried parent, but this guy really must be nervous.

“The lifeguards are good here,” Phil finds himself saying. He almost wants to kick himself for even opening his mouth.

The man looks round and Phil is able to catch his brown eyes. They’re almost honey coloured and look wild with worry.

“You’ve - they’ve had to use them before?” The man asks, sounding slightly panicked.

_Oh. Oops._

“Oh, uh no,” Phil corrects himself with a shake of his head, “I just mean they’re, you know. Alert.”

The man blinks, looking more confused than concerned now.

“First time swimmer then?” Phil asks, nodding over at the pool. His tone of voice radiates confidence but he’s mentally screaming at himself for dragging this weird and awkward conversation out with this nice looking stranger.

Maybe that’s why he's being so painfully awkward; he’s nice looking. Very nice looking.

“Yeah,” the man nods. Then smiles, “Just a little worried is all.”

“No need to be,” Phil says with a soft smile, “like I said, they’re all really good here.”

The man smiles again, a little bigger this time and Phil sees the beginnings of two dimples on both cheeks begin to pop. 

He’s about to open his mouth to say something, but is cut off with a harsh blow of a whistle. Both of them turn to look back over at the pool when they see another instructor, a large looking woman with a red face, holding a squirming little boy by the arm.

“Oh god,” The man mumbles, and before Phil can say anything, he’s is stumbling quickly to his feet and making his way to the edge of the pool.

All the parents, and swimmers seem to be watching as he quickly reaches the angry looking swim teacher who holds a young looking boy with a sad look on his face.

Phil couldn’t hear any conversation by the pool earlier but this woman yells so harshly that Phil’s sure the entire sports complex will hear her,

“Children are not allowed into the adult swim lane!” She yells at him who looks to be hoisting who Phil guesses is his son out of the water,

“Five times! I shouted for him to get out! And he didn’t listen once!” 

Her face has gone even redder and Phil sinks back into his seat. He feels embarrassed for his poor guy. Second hand embarrassment flares up his chest.

He watches anyways, and sees him go to speak when he’s cut off by her loud yelling,

“If your son cannot behave at our pool sir, then don’t expect him to be allowed here.”

The entire room goes quiet, when suddenly another teacher is paddling towards her frantically. She has a group of other smaller children behind her looking rather shocked.

She pulls back the other woman, before muttering something to her quietly, when her face falls.

Phil can barely make out what they’re saying but it looks like she’s uttering out a few apologies with a sorry looking expression.

The man nods, and takes his son by the shoulders and guides him away. When they turn to face Phil, he can see the poor kid is crying.

Phil isn’t sure where to look when they both make their way back to his seat so Phil looks over at the pool at Ethan. Ethan looks equally as shocked, and as he looks back at Phil, he raises his eyebrows, before turning back round to carry on his lesson.

The man and his son reach their seat again and Phil tries to ignore the little chocked out sobs he’s making. He only looks about five, and he’s rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands.

He’s surprised his father hasn’t said anything to him yet, so Phil turns to look over at them quickly when his heart drops.

_Oh._

He watches the man crouched down, eye level to his kid, moving his hands in a way Phil knows out of common knowledge, is sign language.

_Oh shit._

Phil swallows thickly, guilt washing over him; guilt he doesn’t even need to feel, but he can’t help but feel bad.

When the man glances back round and Phil, Phil makes an awful attempt to look away. His face blushes red when he realises he’s been caught out,

“Is he okay?” Phil asks with a sad voice. The man wraps him up in a towel, almost engulfing his entire body, and nods.

“Yeah, she just scared him a bit I think,” the man says sadly.

“That was really awful of her. I’m sorry that happened.”  

The man shakes his head, and rubs his sons back with a big slow hand,

“It’s not your fault,” he says with a small sad smile.

“Still...”. Phil trails off, unsure of what to say.

“Thanks though. That was kinda embarrassing though,” the stranger smiles, laughing a little. His son sits on his lap with his head resting on his chest.

“Don’t worry, I’m constantly embarrassing myself,” Phil jokes and the handsome stranger laughs a little louder. The boy looks up and then goes back to resting his head again.

“I’m Dan, by the way.” Dan says.

Dan. A pretty name for a pretty person.

“Phil.” Phil says back.

“He usually wears a hearing aid,” Dan explains to him, “but he can’t wear it in the water. But when he closes his eyes he loses his sense of direction. I’ve tried making him wear the goggles since he doesn’t like water in his eyes but he’s scared of those too.”

Phil looks sadly at the little boy wrapped up tightly in Dan’s arms.

Dan gives his arm a tap and he’s looking round and up at him with intensive eyes,

“Want to have another go?” Dan asks,

The child seems to watch Dan’s lips, eyes flicking back up to look him in the eyes when he pouts and shakes his head.

Dan just pulls him into a hug, almost crushing him against his chest. He looks over at Phil with a sympathetic smile, and Phil returns one similar.

“Come on little bear,” Dan mumbles, pressing a kiss on top of his hair. Just then, Phil notices the nice looking woman from earlier reach the rows of seats and lean over to speak to Dan,

“Would Noah like to rejoin the class Mr Howell?” She asks sweetly. She looks rather embarrassed and a bit awkward and smiles as kindly as she can at them.

Dan manages to peel the child, Noah, away from his chest. He begins to sign something to him, something Phil obviously can’t understand and Noah signs back.

Dan looks up at the young woman with a warm smile,

“I think he’d like to try again.”

“Lovely!” The swim instructor smiles clasping her hands together.

Noah then hops of Dan’s lap and shrugs his towel off his shoulders, following the instructor.

“And I have to apologise once more on behalf of some of the staff here Mr Howell, it’s honestly my own fault- “

She doesn’t get to finish the rest of her sentence because Dan is interrupting her with a small chuckle and the shake of his head.

“It’s fine. Really.”

She smiles awkwardly again at him, then at Phil and then takes Noah by the hand and takes him back to the pool where a class of kids wait.

“He okay?” Phil asks, watching over him tentatively get back into the pool. 

Dan nods and then hums,

“Yeah, I told him there was nothing to be scared of. Although that bitch was pretty terrifying,” Dan says, and they both begin to laugh.

They kinda stare at each other for a while before Dan is clearing his throat.

“So, you have a kid here too? Or...” he trails off and Phil squirms in his seat a little,

“Oh! Yeah, no, I have a son. Ethan. He’s eight, he’s just there,” Phil says looking over at where Ethan’s class is, to see him still clinging to the side kicking his legs, sending water splashing over his poor teacher.

Dan chuckles, looking over at him before turning to face Phil again,  
  
“Seems to be enjoying himself, huh.”  
  
Phil smiles. He looks back over at Ethan who seems to be bouncing up and down happily in the water with a giant grin on his face as he babbles happily away to his friends.  
  
“Yeah,” Phil nods, “he is.”

*  
  
Eventually the class ends and all the kids pull themselves out the water and make their way to the changing rooms where their parents wait for them.  
  
“Dad! Did you see me kicking my legs?” Ethan exclaims once he’s found Phil. His smile hasn’t once dropped from his lips and Phil ruffles his damp hair with a towel,  
  
“Yeah dude. You did good today huh?”  
  
Ethan pokes his head out from underneath the towel and giggles.  
  
“Come on then, let’s get you dressed and home yeah?” Phil says already reaching into the swim bag to pull out a little tee and shorts.  
  
Ethan slowly gets changed, pausing between putting each arm into his sleeves to stop and talk to his new friends until Phil has to call him back. It’s when he’s slipping on his trainers that Phil realises Dan isn’t here.  
  
He doesn’t think too much of it, and stuffs the wet towel into the bag.  
  
“What’s for dinner?” Ethan asks, standing up from where he was crouched tying his laces.  
  
His auburn hair has flopped over in his eyes and Phil pushes it back off his face, revealing the sparkling blue eyes that look up at him.  
  
“You built up an appetite huh?” Phil asks with a grin. Ethan smiles hopefully back,  
  
“Yeah. Enough for maybe a Chinese?”  
  
Phil huffs a laugh. “Okay. Chinese it is. Let’s get going, you.”  
  
He pat’s his shoulder and they leave. Ethan calls out a few goodbyes to some other kids who yell back. Phil looks back at the changing room one last time, wondering where Dan is for a second, before Ethan is tugging at the bottom of his shirt telling him to hurry up.  
  
They decide in the car that they’re far too hungry to go home and wait, so Phil drives to the Chinese restaurant, his wallet in his pocket ready for a feast of sweet and sour balls and noodles, with Ethan excitedly rambling on about his lesson still.  
  
They park up and Ethan jumps out after Phil as they make their way to the restaurant.  
  
“Are we gonna eat in?” he asks and Phil shakes his head, taking his little hand in his as they cross the street.  
  
“Nah, was thinking since you did so well today, maybe we can sit in the living room and eat with a movie. Sound good?” he looks down as they reach the other side of the road so to see him crack a smile.  
  
“Dad, we _always_ watch with a movie!” he giggles.  
  
Phil can’t help but laugh back.  
  
“That’s what happens when you’re always on your best behaviour.”

They enter the little Chinese restaurant and they’re hit instantly with the warm smell of cooking chicken and rice.  
  
Ethan drops Phil’s hand as he runs over to the little table with the sauces as he begins stuffing his pockets full of sweet and sour packets. Phil watches him carefully as he continues to collect the condiments.  
  
He’s a weird kid. Always has been. But Phil wouldn’t have it any other way.  
  
He’s pulled out of his thoughts when he hears a familiar voice beside him.  
  
“Phil?”  
  
He looks round to face Dan; his hair is slightly scruffier and he has a hoodie thrown on over his clothes from earlier. He has Noah’s hand in his, and he’s smiling so deep that his dimple is popping again.  
  
“Dan,” Phil says dumbly, because he’s not sure as to what to say. “Hi.”  
  
“Hey,” Dan says back with a grin, “what are you doing here?” he asks.  
  
Phil glances back at Ethan, who’s still filling his pockets with sauce. “Just getting dinner.”  
  
Dan looks over at where Phil’s looking and laughs, rather loudly.  
  
“Yeah. God. Of course you are. That’s a stupid question.”  
  
It makes Phil laugh, and it eases some of the awkwardness, “It’s okay. Like I said earlier –“  
  
“Always making a fool of ourselves.” Dan finishes. Phil smiles warmly at him.  
  
“So, uh, you come here a lot?” Phil asks. He looks over the counter where the cashier seems to be serving someone else.  
  
Dan shakes his head, “No, actually. We just moved into the neighbourhood,” he looks down at Noah and back up at Phil again, “so we thought we’d try this place out for tonight.”  
  
Phil grins, “Well this is our local. It’s good here. Maybe too good since I think Ethan and I are becoming co-dependent on Chinese takeaways every Friday night.”  
  
Dan laughs at that, and his dimple reappears. Phil isn’t sure why but every time it craters against his cheeks it sends a flood of warmth through his body.  
  
“I’ll keep that in mind. Although that’s never a bad thing, right?”  
  
Phil shoves his hands into his pockets and shrugs. “Not necessarily.”  
  
There’s a brief pause. The line moves up and they can hear the yelling and clanging of voices and pans in the kitchen.  
  
“Oh! Um, sorry about not saying goodbye earlier at the pool,” Dan says, “I had to speak with the manager, he wanted to apologise and stuff so I had to go.”  
  
Phil isn’t really sure why he’s apologising but he smiles and nods anyways. He looks down at Noah who has a tight grip on his dad’s hand as he hides behind his leg.  
  
“Don’t worry about it,” Phil says.  
  
Just then Ethan comes running back up to him, almost crashing into him.  
  
“Dad! I got enough sweet and sour sauce to last up a lifetime!” He beams, holding up handfuls of little sauce packets. Dan chuckles and he’s looking round up at him.  
  
“Um, Ethan this is Dan,” Phil says placing a hand on his shoulder, “and Noah. They go to the same pool as us.”  
  
Ethan smiles up at Dan and then at Noah, who seems to be shuffling back.

“Want some sauce?” Ethan asks, holding out a little packet of sauce.  
  
Noah looks at it, blinking, before looking up at Dan hesitantly, then back at Ethan.  
  
He takes the packet with his little hands rather slowly and holds in close to his chest. Dan then crouches down at him so they’re eye level.  
  
He moves his hands in slow gestures as Noah watches carefully,  
  
“What do you say, Noah?” Dan speaks.  
  
Then, once Dan has stood up, Noah turns to face Ethan, his head down and moves his hands. Ethan just watches, clearly confused.  
  
“He said thank you.” Dan says to Ethan.  
  
Ethan turns to face Phil, probably ready to ask a million questions but then someone is yelling and Dan turns to face the cashier. She hands over a couple of paper bags and Dan thanks her and she’s turning to take Phil’s order.  
  
“Well, see you later,” Dan says once he has the bag under on arm and Noah holding onto his hand.  
  
“Yeah,” Phil smiles at the pair. “Have a good night Dan.”  
  
“You too Phil."

*

Once Phil and Ethan are finally home and ripping into the little tub of noodles does Ethan pipe up.  
  
“What was that man doing with his hands, Dad?”  
  
Phil flops onto the sofa beside Ethan, dishing out a couple of spoonful’s of rice onto both their plates.  
  
“That’s called sign language,” Phil tells him.  
  
“And what’s that?”  
  
Phil sticks a fork into one of the chicken balls and shoves it onto a plate.  
  
“It’s a language for deaf people.”  
  
Ethan scoops up a forkful of seaweed off his plate and shoves it in his mouth.  
  
“Is he deaf?” he asks, mouth still full of food. Phil turns to face with a raised brow. Ethan just swallows his food down with a sheepish smile.  
  
“Yes, it means he can’t hear like you and me.” Phil says. He places his plate onto his lap and sits back.  
  
Ethan already has the remote in his hands and is loading up Netflix onto the tv.  
  
He looks beside him at Ethan and wonders if he’ll ask anymore, but instead he’s watching the tv as he flicks through the movies.  
  
“What are we feeling today then, huh?” Phil asks as he piles up a fair amount of noodles onto his fork and shoving them into his mouth.  
  
Ethan just hums as he continues to look through the movies. Eventually he lands on one, one they’ve both seen before, but Phil doesn’t complain as the movie starts and he feels Ethan wiggle back against the sofa, balancing his plate delicately on his knees. He presses up close to Phil as the watches the film.  
  
Later that night when they’ve eaten more that they should have and Ethan is tucked away in bed and Phil’s in the next room in his, does Phil think about Dan.  
  
He thinks about curled hair and honey eyes and dimpled smiles. And that’s exactly what he thinks about as he begins to drift off to sleep.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	2. Chapter 2

When Phil wakes up that morning, he rolls over onto his stomach to discover he’s hard.

It’s not exactly an unusual occurrence for a young 31 year old man to wake up with a bit of morning wood; but he can’t help but wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that he went to sleep with the thoughts of a rather attractive man last night.  
  
He shakes the image of Dan from his head as he presses his hips against the mattress. He can’t think of Dan, basically a stranger, like that.  
  
But it means nothing, he tells himself, that he simply finds Dan attractive and his body is only reacting to it as it normally would.  
  
He reaches over to the bedside and picks up his phone. The time reads seven am and he groans, setting it back down. It’s way too early for a Saturday, but the he presses his hips against the mattress again, a little harder this time and moans softly as the sensation.  
  
It’s been so long since he’s had sex. He’s had to appreciate halfhearted lonely wanks in the shower early on mornings before Ethan wakes, or sometimes closing his door past eleven at night when the house is quiet and getting himself off quickly. He hasn’t had a hook up in a while, not in months. He hasn’t had to kindly ask Martyn and Cornelia to watch Ethan whilst he’d be in another man’s house getting on his knees to suck someone’s dick in quite a while.

The last time he had sex, real sex, was probably last month when Ethan was at his mother’s for the weekend and Phil had invited someone over after a few drinks and they’d fucked on the couch. The man had kissed him on the corner of his mouth with wet lips and told him to call him, but Phil hadn’t; because they were just hook ups. Nothing emotional or real.  
  
And it wasn’t if Phil didn’t want anything like that. He did. But dating was long and hard and too much right now.  
  
So instead, he grinds his body against the mattress beneath him and buries his face into his pillow to muffle his moans as he thinks of nobody in particular to imagine he’s humping against.

It doesn’t take long for him to come. It’s wet and cold against his pants so he rolls over onto his back and stares up at the ceiling whilst he regains his breath.

It’s been so long since he’s had someone to catch his breath with. He looks over at the empty space beside him. He’s never really had that; someone to come down with, someone to roll over and whisper sweet nothings to him whilst they’d lay there in their own sweat and come.  
  
He eventually pulls himself out of bed and quietly makes his way to the bathroom. He pokes his head around Ethan’s door only to find him completely asleep still. He walks to the bathroom, grabbing a towel on the way.  
  
He stands under the spray for a while, letting hot water wash away the sweat and grossness from his body.  
  
He’s never had anyone to shower with. Not even in a sex related way. No one to stand behind him and maybe rub his head with shampoo and pepper his neck with soft little kisses.  
  
Instead, Phil scrubs at his own scalp, sad and alone, and steps out the shower once he’s done and shivers against the cool air.  
  
By the time he’s dried and dressed, Ethan sounds to be awake already.  
  
“Daaaaad!” he calls from the kitchen, and despite his shower, Phil can still feel his sleep clinging against his skin.  
  
When Phil emerges from the kitchen he sees Ethan sat up at the breakfast bar with a bowl out in front of him looking eager.  
  
“You want cereal?” Phil asks.  
  
Ethan nods, waving his spoon.  
  
“Okay, we’ve got…” Phil mumbles as he opens up a cabinet as starts rifling through the many boxes of different cereal brands.  
  
“Way too much cereal, apparently,” he laughs as he picks up on of the boxes.  
  
“Shreddies?” he holds it up to Ethan.  
  
Ethan shakes his head. Phil picks up another box.  
  
“Crunchy Nut?”  
  
Ethan shakes his head again. “That’s a grown up cereal. Boring.”  
  
Phil laughs,  
  
“Okay what about… Coco Pops?”  
  
Ethan seems to consider it for a while, before shaking his head again.  
  
Phil sighs and picks up another box, “Weetabix?”  
  
“Nope.”  
  
“Cheerios?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Then what do you want?” Phil says, turning to face him with his hands on his hips.  
  
“Do we have any chocolate Shreddies?” he asks.  
  
Phil could scream. “Ethan. I literally offered you those first.”  
  
He pulls the box back out and slides them over to where the bowl is.  
  
“Grab me the milk,” Phil says, rubbing his eye tiredly. Why does he feel so tired?  
  
Ethan hops off the stool and makes his way to the fridge whilst Phil pours a generous amount of cereal into the little plastic bowl. He’s about to tell Ethan to hurry up when suddenly a little voice speaks from beside the fridge.  
  
“Dad, we’re out of milk.”  
  
Phil puts the box back on the side.  
  
“Crap,” he mutters under his breath. Ethan giggles quietly and Phil turns to face him,  
  
“Don’t repeat that. Especially around mum.” He warns him but Ethan grins,  
  
“I’ve heard worse from her.”  
  
Phil is about to ask what he means but ignores it with a wave of his hand,  
  
“Come on. Get dressed. We’re going out for milk.”  
  
Ethan goes to protest but stops when Phil gives him a look, and he’s turning to return to his room to get ready.

His body still feels heavy and tired but he snatched up the car keys that he left on the kitchen side last night after coming home from the Chinese.

He makes sure he’s got his wallet and phone and soon enough Ethan is dressed and skipping out of his room asking if when they get to tesco’s if he can get a kinder egg, and Phil pushes him out the door and tells him yes.  
  
When they get to tesco’s Phil grabs a couple of bottles of milk and looks in the fresh food section in hopes that maybe it’ll inspire him to cook something healthy tonight. He looks down at where Ethan is stood picking up a couple of oranges trying to juggle them in his hands.  
  
“Ethan, put those down please,” Phil tells him, and Ethan pouts before dropping them back into the crate.  
  
Phil sighs as he stares at the selection of vegetables, unsure of what to do.  
  
“What do you fancy for dinner tonight?” he asks Ethan, hoping perhaps he’ll have some idea that’ll help.  
  
But instead, the eight year old just rocks on his feet and throws his arms up and half yells,  
  
“Pizza!”

Phil rolls his eyes, but he can feel the corners of his mouth quirk up into a smile. Like father like son.  
  
“No pizza. We need something healthy, otherwise if you mother finds out I let you pig out on takeaways all weekend she’ll have my head,” Phil jokes as he picks up what looks like an aborigine before setting it back down again.  
  
Ethan makes a sound of disgust, “That’s not fair, I always eat healthy stuff at mums,” he whines. “That’s why dinner and your is always so much fun.”  
  
Phil chuckles as he turns away from the vegetables, deeming it hopeless. Ethan follows suit.  
  
“Well what do you eat at mums? Maybe I can steal her ideas,” Phil says as the walk the isle in hope for something.  
  
“She never makes anything nice. Always green.”  
  
They make their way into the pasta isle where Phil stops to look at different pasta shells,  
  
“What about pasta? I can make pasta,” Phil suggests with a shrug as he holds up a packet of penne.  
  
Ethan’s blue eyes seem to light up at that.  
  
“Yeah!” he nods enthusiastically, “And hot dogs! Like you did before!”  
  
Phil frowns. He might need to definitely try harder in his dinner choices.  
  
“No pasta and hot dogs this time,” he tells him with a shake of his head.  
  
Phil turns back to the vegetables, suddenly getting a cuisine inspiration,  
  
“What about pasta and spinach?”  
  
He grabs a couple of plastic bags of spinach despite the face of utter disgust on Ethan’s face.  
  
He turns to face his sour expression,  
  
“And then if you stop looking like you sucked a lemon then we can go to the desert isle and pick something amazing out.”  
  
It makes Ethan laugh loud, giggling as he skips beside Phil as they make their way to where the ice creams and cakes are.  
  
They pick out two big ice cream sundae pots, and Ethan’s already asking if they can eat when they get home, but as they make their way to the cashier whilst Phil is telling him over and over again it’s for after dinner only, he almost drops his basket in shock at who’s stood in front of him.  
  
“Dan. Hi,” Phil says with a smile.  
  
Dan, who’s stood looking at the chocolate selection steps back rather quickly, looking shocked for a second before his face melts into a warm smile when he meets Phil’s eyes.  
  
“Oh, wow. Hello again,” he laughs almost breathlessly and Phil does the same.  
  
They stand in a bit of an awkward silence for a moment before Ethan is lightly kicking his shoe against Phil’s.  
  
“Can I get a kinder egg then?” he asks sweetly, and Phil has to tear his eyes away from Dan to look down at big familiar puppy eyes.  
  
He’s not sure it’ll look good if he says no in front of Dan so he nods, “Yeah. Okay.”  
  
Ethan grins and goes to stand beside Dan to look at the little chocolate eggs, and that’s when Phil realises little Noah stood almost behind Dan.  
  
“Um, so. How was your Chinese last night?” Phil asks, looking back at Dan.

Dan looks confused for a second, his brows furrowing, and Phil worries that perhaps Dan had already forgotten about their small exchange yesterday night, until Dan smiles again and laughs, rocking a little on the balls of his feet.  
  
“Yeah! The Chinese. It was really good actually, a new favourite for us, huh?” Dan speaks looking round and down at Noah who’s watching Phil with big round eyes.  
  
Phil isn’t sure what to say so he just smiles big at him, but it drops when Noah buries his face against Dan’s leg.  
  
Dan laughs again and peels him away from him, “Sorry. He’s shy,” Dan says and he takes Noah’s hand in his and gives it a small squeeze.  
  
Phil looks at Ethan who’s stood on his tip toes peering over a high shelf of kit kats,  
  
“Not like mine though. Fearless eight-year-old, dunno where he gets it from though. I was never like that.”  
  
It’s true; Phil wasn’t as outgoing and brash at Ethan’s age. Ethan had some sort of knack to always hitting it off with people. Whether it be kids at school, people the met at the park or someone in his swimming class, he never had an issue in being the first one to say hello.  
  
“I was the complete opposite of loud actually,” Phil continues. “Must be his mother’s blood.”  
  
Phil turns his head just to catch Dan’s smile falter a little, before his lips seem to pull back up into a tight smile.  
  
Phil tries to ignore it but something about that slightly disappointed look seems to sink into his skin and stay there. He’s brought out of his thoughts when Ethan is unnecessarily yelling again,  
  
“Dad! Can I get a kinder egg _and_ a chocolate bar? Please?” He’s holding up the little egg in his hand and a giant sized Cadbury’s bar in the other. Dan stifles a laugh and Phil can’t help the smile that creeps onto his face,  
  
“No way mister. You’ve got a bloody sundae after dinner; anymore chocolate and you’ll explode,” Phil tells him whilst plucking the bar of chocolate from his hand and putting back on the shelf behind him.

Ethan pouts sadly and kicks his foot against the floor.  
  
“And besides, you didn’t say hello to Dan and Noah here. Remember? From yesterday?” Phil says nodding towards them both.  
  
“Oh. Hello,” Ethan grins at Dan. He then looks over at Noah who’s watching him from behind Dan.  
  
“Um. I don’t – I don’t know how to say hello in your language. So, uh. Hi,” he waves at Noah almost robotically.  
  
Phil is about to apologise and pull Ethan back but is stopped by Dan’s laugh.  
  
“Sorry,” Phil says sheepishly, “he asked me last night about it and I told him it was a special language for, uh, deaf people.”  
  
Dan just laughs again, and Phil is sure he’s not really laughing at him.  
  
“That’s actually very sweet,” he says grinning down at Ethan.  
  
“Noah here really enjoyed that little packet of sauce you gave him last night,” Dan talks to Ethan is a sweet voice, and for some reason it reminds Phil of when he was a little younger, when Ethan was a baby and Phil would talk to him in a similar soft voice. He misses that.  
  
“Yeah, well, I love sweet and sour.” Ethan says proudly, puffing his chest out. “So if he wants more he can come round and we can eat loads more. With Chinese food. Obviously.”  
  
Both Dan and Phil laugh at that, and Ethan looks up at Phil proudly for making both adults laugh.  
  
“I’m sure Noah would love that.” Dan smiles at Ethan before looking back at Phil.  
  
“Maybe one day after swimming?” Ethan asks excitedly, bouncing up and down. Phil has to put his hand on his shoulder to calm him a little.  
  
Dan smiles at Phil, “That’d be nice, yeah.”  
  
Phil nods, feeling enchanted by Dan’s gaze again, before blinking out of it for a second. “Yeah,” he nods again, “that would be lovely.”  
  
They eventually say goodbye and Ethan waves at Noah, who slowly waves back and Phil watches them leave the tescos, leaving him stood in the chocolate isle feeling a little shocked.

He’s not sure what the chances are of running into Dan twice like that are; maybe pretty high since he did say he had just moved into the neighbourhood, but still. He finds it hard to shake the idea of Dan out of his head for a while after that.

They pay for their food and head back to the car. Ethan is already ripping into his egg and breaking off a piece of chocolate and handing it to Phil who gladly takes it.  
  
“Why did you say I get my loudness from mum?” he asks suddenly as Phil begins to pull out of the car park.  
  
Phil swallows thickly, and remembers that sometimes eight year olds really do ask the strangest of questions that cannot be answered. He shrugs his shoulders,  
  
“Because you do. She’s more outgoing that I am.”  
  
He passes another little chunk of chocolate to him,  
“What does outgoing mean?”  
  
“It means the opposite of being shy.” He tells him as he pulls out onto the road towards home.  
  
Ethan is quiet for a while, until he speaks up again.  
  
“Why don’t you and mum live together? Is it because you’re not – not...what was the word again?” he faces Phil.  
  
“Outgoing,” Phil says,  
  
“Yeah,” he nods. “Was it because you’re not outgoing? Is that why you don’t love each other?”  
  
There’s no hints of sadness to his voice like Phil had perhaps feared, but simply curiosity.  He makes a turn and tries to come up with what to say. It isn’t exactly easy to explain to a child what a one night stand is.  
  
He was fresh out of university, and she, Natalie, had been a friend. A very good friend. A friend that got drunk with him one night and had laid down on his single bed and let Phil fuck her until they both passed out.  
  
A friend who’d called him up a couple of weeks later in a scared voice telling him she was pregnant.  
  
A friend. That was all she was to Phil. They’d decided to do the whole co-parenting business and raise their son in a happy relationship between good friends.  
  
“No, Ethan,” Phil says after a long while of silence. “We’re just friends. And that sometimes happens. I do love her. Just a different kind of love.”  
  
He’s not sure it’ll make sense to an eight year old, if Ethan will even understand or care. But it’s the best explanation he can offer. Especially since it’s the first he’s asked about it.

“Then who do you love?” Ethan asks as he crushes the little tin foil of his kinder egg in his fist, looking up at Phil.  
  
Phil glances down at him and smiles. “You. Of course.”  
  
Ethan just scoffs, laughing as Phil laughs along with him.  
  
The rest of the short ride home, does Phil’s mind wonder, back to the same few thoughts that circulated in his mind this morning. He’s never really been in love. Never really had that sensation in his chest where his heart does flips against his ribcage. He’s never really woken up to someone beside him bed to kiss him on the lips and whisper good morning to him.  
  
But as they park up outside their house, and Ethan attempts to pull one of the shopping bags out the back of the car, wobbling with the weight of the heavy milk bottles inside, does Phil forget about that. Forgets that sometimes life isn’t always about that. That sometimes those things can wait and that more important things in life are worth that love instead.  
  
And as Ethan walks through the doorway, peering into the bag with their sundaes in, turning to ask if they can maybe perhaps eat them already, Phil just laughs with a shake of his head.  
  
Somethings can wait.

Later that night, when Phil is cooking up the pasta in one pot and frying some chicken to along with it Ethan emerges from the living room to hop up onto the breakfast bar stool and peer over at the recipe that Phil is attempting to follow.  
  
“So, could I ask Noah over to play sometime then?” he asks. Phil jumps slightly, not having heard him even come in, but smiles.  
  
“You want Noah to come over and play?” he asks, and Ethan nods.  
  
“Yeah – he seems cool. I kinda wanna learn that hand thing he and his dad do,” he shrugs, picking up an uncooked pasta shell and playing with it in his hand.  
  
Phil takes it from him and takes it to the pot of bubbling water, “Sign Language.” Phil corrects him, looking over at him from over his glasses.  
  
“Yeah,” Ethan nods. “So can I?”  
  
Phil turns the hob down just a little when the water starts to bubble a little too much. He watches the gas and flames from under the pot simmer down and flicker with heat.  
  
He supposes Dan had suggested it’d be nice for both boys to get together. And Ethan was always up for making new friends; maybe that’s what Noah needed.  
  
“Sure,” Phil turns to face him, “we can ask him next week at swimming when he’s free.”  
  
Ethan gives a little nod and jumps back down off the stool and hurries out the room, excited for the promise of a new possible friend.  
  
Phil watches the pasta grow soft in the hot water. He stirs the water with the wooden spoon and watches it swirl. The chicken on the next hob sizzles away nicely.  
  
Maybe it’ll be a good opportunity to get to know Dan too, he thinks. Because he’s waited. He’s waited a long time for something good. And maybe Dan isn’t interested. Maybe Dan is married or straight or doesn’t care for what Phil thinks.  
  
But there’s something rather endearing about the way Dan’s grin seems to light up his entire face, or how his eyes sparkle the most beautiful shades. Or how his hair curls over his face.  
  
Maybe it’s a dumb boy crush. But maybe this is the part where he doesn’t have to wait anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	3. Chapter 3

Monday rolls around far too quick than Phil would like, and he’s being harshly ripped from his slumber when the obnoxious blare of his alarm from his phone sounds right by his ear, far too early in the morning.

He takes a quick shower, eyes still closed with a heavy sleepiness that still clings to him as he attempts to scrub away under the hot spray.  
  
He awakes Ethan gently, until he groaning and rolling away from him, unwilling to be removed from the comfort of his bed to have to get up and go to school, but Phil tells him he has cereal waiting for him in the kitchen, and soon enough he’s emerging with his little robe thrown on and feet clad in big fluffy slippers.  
  
“Remember, you’re going to mum’s today after school,” Phil tells him as he bites into a buttery slice of toast. “I have work late so you’ll stay there tonight and I’ll pick you up tomorrow after school.”  
  
Ethan nods as he spoons a heap of cereal into his mouth.  
  
It’s a long drag of the morning but eventually Ethan is dressed and ready, book bag in hand and Phil is ready for work. It takes him a while to find the keys and before they leave Ethan is yelling about needing his reading diary signed, and after a quick scribble in crayon, Phil’s shoving him out the door and down towards the carpark in true Monday morning fashion.  
  
The drive to school is filled with inconsistent babble from Ethan about what they’re going to be doing at school today, and Phil hums along, only half listening.  
  
They pull up to the school and Phil’s popping open the door to be greeted with a familiar smile,  
  
“Hey!” Natalie beams as she walks across the car park, her little heels clicking with each step. Her long auburn hair flows down to her waist and her smile is dazzling. Ethan catches sight of her and he’s running towards her with open arms.  
  
“Mum!” he half yells with glee as he throws himself at her. She laughs as he runs into her, at some force too as she stumbles just a bit. Phil laughs, picking up Ethan’s forgotten book bag off the backseat of the car.  
  
“Hiya, thanks for having him tonight,” Phil says to her once Ethan has removed himself off her leg, leaning in to give her a quick peck of the cheek. He pulls away and she smiles,  
  
“No worries babes, we’re gonna have fun tonight aren’t we kiddo?” Natalie smiles looking down on Ethan who lets his shoulders slump,  
  
“Yeah, by fun you mean homework,” he pouts sadly and Phil laughs.  
  
“That’s what you get for having a school teacher for a mum,” Phil tells him. Ethan lets out a sigh and kicks his school shoes against a rock.  
  
“Yeah, well, speaking of, I better get ready for class. I’ll walk you to yours, yeah?” Natalie smiles, holding her hand out for Ethan to take, but instead crosses his little arms over his chest,  
  
“Mum,” he sighs exasperated, “you don’t need to hold my hand. I’m not a baby.”  
  
Both Natalie and Phil laugh and Phil just shrugs at her,  
  
“Okay kid, I gotta go. Be good today.” Phil says with a ruffle of his hair. Ethan just leaps back with a squeal.  
  
“See you, Nat. Thanks again,” Phil tells her with a small smile as he turns back towards the car, she just waves it off,  
  
“It’s okay, see you later,” she smiles.  
  
Phil watches them walk towards the class where Ethan meets with some of his friends and begin to run ahead. He watches Natalie chat briefly to some of the other parents and soon they disappear into the building.  

He opens the door to his car, sits for a while and then drives off, the car significantly quieter now.

When Phil gets into his office, he feels a little less tired. He genuinely enjoys his job; it’d been a bit of a gamble, taking a master’s degree in video editing at university without really knowing if there would be a career to land on once he was finished with studying, but thankfully there was a little job opening for video editing for a company branching off from the BBC. It was a simple job really, to Phil at least, of just editing trailers and promos that’d be shown between advertisements and the shows themselves, but it was a job Phil enjoyed. 

He flops down onto his chair at his desk and boots up the computer. He only gets through five minutes of work before he feels the hankering need for coffee and he’s pulling himself up off his chair to the little kitchenette to brew himself a much needed drink.  
  
Once he gets there, he notices a familiar face already one step ahead of him beside the boiling kettle.  
  
“Make me one, will you Jimmy?” Phil greets him as he bends down to the fridge and pulls out a little bottle of milk.  
  
“We skipping pleasantries and getting straight to bossing me around are we now?” Jimmy laughs turning to face Phil, taking the milk from him as the kettle boils.  
  
Phil just huffs a laugh back and shakes his head, “I think after a good few years of friendship you’re willingly my boy slave now, don’t you think?” Phil raises a brow, and Jimmy laughs, maybe a little too loudly as a couple of people sat at their desks look round.  
  
“Weird Monday morning brain?” Jimmy asks as he pours the water into two mugs, Phil nods, and searches from the sugar,  
  
“Definitely weird Monday morning brain today. I’ve got like, a hundred indents to edit.” Phil informs him as Jimmy scoops out two little heaps of sugar and adds it to his cup.  
  
“Count yourself lucky. I’ve got a bloody meeting later, can’t be arsed it you’re asking me,” he groans and begins to swirl the coffee with his spoon.  
  
He hands it to Phil and Phil takes it, sipping it before he can even let it cool. Jimmy gives him a disgusted look,  
  
“You’re a weirdo you know. Dunno how you even enjoy food consider you’ve killed off all your bloody taste buds with the way you drink your bloody lava coffee.”  
  
Phil ignores him and takes another sip. “I’m working late tonight. Got some overtime,” he tells him with a nod. Jimmy just keeps stirring at his own drink.  
  
“Have fun mate. Maybe you’ll get those hundred indents done,” he chuckles and brings the mug to his lips to take a sip. He just yelps and sets it back down.  
  
“Fuck that’s hot. You are a right weirdo, how do you drink it like this?” he asks with a frown.  
  
Phil chuckles deeply and takes an even bigger sip without so much as flinching, “Magic.”  
  
Jimmy scoffs with a smile and waves him off as he makes his way back to his little desk. Phil watches as he goes, and is sure to steal a biscuit from Jimmy’s secret stash when he’s not looking and returns to his desk.  
  
He does have a pile of work to get through, some editing that needs doing and he needs to draft up some ideas to take to his meeting next week, so he gulps down his coffee in hopes it’ll help him get through it, and sets off on making a start.  
  
Lunch comes around, and Phil goes to the little sandwich cart, run by a woman Phil can’t remember the name of and eats at his desk. He read somewhere that you shouldn’t mix places of work with places of pleasure, like how you shouldn’t work where you sleep, or eat where you work, but his desk is better than the sad little canteen they have one floor down, and eating alone in his car seems a bit sad.  
  
People come and go past his cubical, some popping their head over to talk for a while, some coming by with more work, a few taking some of it off him and others just saying hi. He doesn’t really know everyone here, despite working here for the better part of almost eight years.  
  
He’d gotten the job straight out of uni, started just as Natalie had fallen pregnant and managed to hold up a decent job and support a child. But in that time he hadn’t really taken the time to really get to know anyone here. Sure, he had Jimmy. Jimmy had started along with him, and they’d stuck by each other out of pure fear of a whole new environment, and Jimmy was his friend.  
  
But that was as far as it went. He was on alright terms with his boss, as much as someone would want to be, and knew people’s names and went to the annual Christmas party each year (only because Jimmy would make him just so they could get drunk together) and there was the occasional time a couple of people would invite him for drinks afterwards.  
  
But other than that, it was just him here, in the bubble of his desk where he’d stay focused on work, eat his chicken salad sandwich alone and quietly make himself a coffee every time he finished the last.  
  
“What you doing tonight?” a voice startles him, and when he looks up, of course it’s Jimmy. He places a hand over his heart and swallows down the mouthful of sandwich he almost choked on.  
  
“Jesus, Jimmy, warn a guy, will you?” he says almost breathlessly, but Jimmy just ignores him and continues to look down at him with a wide grin.  
  
“Tom and I are going out for drinks. You’re welcome to join us if you want, going to some nice little _special_ bar.” Jimmy raises his brow in a suggestive manner and Phil sighs.  
  
Jimmy is truly the only person in this office that knows of Phil’s sexual orientation, not that it really has a label, but it’s clear to him that he likes boys. He likes girls too, but mostly boys. And Jimmy had only knows when Phil had once kicked off his shoes after a long day, goofing around with him once they office was almost empty, and Jimmy had asked about his rainbow socks, and Phil had laughed and told him they were a true representation of who he was.  
  
It wasn’t as if Phil didn’t want to come out to anyone in the office; Jimmy was openly gay and it hadn’t bothered anyone, the way he’d off-handedly mention his boyfriend, Tom, and Phil had smiled proudly. It was just that Phil didn’t really want to have to mention it, there was no need. Nobody had asked and nobody probably cared, and so Phil didn’t want to have to stand up and tell people that he too, liked men.  
  
But it was a nice little thing that Phil had in common with Jimmy, and when he’d walk past his desk he’d feel a little sense of pride at the tiny little rainbow flag he had pinned up beside his computer on the felt dividers.  
  
“Can’t,” Phil says to Jimmy’s question, “I’m working late tonight, remember?” Phil tells him, swinging in his chair, to which Jimmy just huffs.  
  
“Bollocks.”  
  
Phil laughs and takes another bite of his lunch, a little piece of lettuce falls onto his lap but he doesn’t bother to clean it up.  
  
“When you free then?” Jimmy asks, looking hopeful.  
  
“I have an eight year old, Jim. I’m never free,” Phil jokes.  
  
“Dammit. Can’t you just abandon Ethan for a life of vodka shots and hookups?” Jimmy asks.  
  
Phil snorts, “Oi. Don’t say that about Ethan, you love him really,” he reminds him, and Jimmy smiles warmly. “And besides, vodka shots and hookups on a Monday night? You doing alright there mate?”  
  
Jimmy shakes his head with a grin, his brown hair flopping over into his eyes before he pushes it back,  
  
“Course I love him. And nah mate, the vodka shots and hookups are for you specifically. Consider it a favor in consideration from one friend to another sad, horny friend.”  
  
Phil almost chokes again and sets his sandwich on his desk and looks around to see if anyone had heard, and by the way everyone has their head down Phil is grateful that they probably didn’t.  
  
“Shut up,” he frowns as Jimmy giggles at him. “And I’m not sad. Or horny.”  
  
Jimmy nods, a cat like grin on his face and raises a brow in suspicion, “Okay mate, whatever you say.”  
  
Phil just picks up the lettuce of his lap and throws it at Jimmy who hops back, avoiding it.  
  
“Don’t you have work to do?” Phil asks him and Jimmy sighs,  
  
“You’re no fun. Why’re you no fun?” he pouts. Phil laughs and shakes his head.  
  
“It’s what happens when you become an adult. You’ll understand when you’re older,” he teases, and Jimmy is picking up the bit of lettuce and throwing it back at his head,  
  
“Shut up,” he laughs with a scoff.  
  
Eventually Jimmy slinks back to his own desk and leaves Phil to the rest of his lunch, letting him eat in peace without the inevitability of choking to death.  
  
He eats the rest of his food and thinks about what Jimmy had said. Was he sad and horny?  
  
He wasn’t exactly drowning in sadness at the obvious loneliness in his romantic life, and he wasn’t horny _now_ …  
  
He ignores the thought, and reminds himself that vodka shots and hookups aren’t the best idea, especially with someone as wild as Jimmy involved, and he gets back to work and tells himself that if he gets through editing the next chunk that needs doing, he’ll reward himself with a Chinese.  
  
He deserves it.  
  
By the time Phil is finished all his work, the sun has already gone down and there’s only one or two people left in the office. Jimmy is long gone, waltzing by earlier with his coat thrown over his shoulder, telling him the offer still stood to join him, but Phil had reminded him that he was supposed to be doing overtime, and Jimmy had left, muttering something about him being such a dad.  
  
But now he’s shutting his computer down and packing his bag up. He says goodbye to the cleaner who lingers in the halls and briskly makes his way to the car.  
  
He listens to the radio, and makes the decision to drive straight to the Chinese. Ethan would be mad if he knew his dad had thrown all promises of healthy eating out the window and gotten himself another takeaway, just two days after the last, but Phil keeps driving towards Red Dragon with a smile, thinking about how Natalie would probably be cooking something actually healthy up right about now for their son.  
  
Nobody has to know.  
  
He walks in, and the little Chinese lady behind the counter greets him with a smile and a hello, to which Phil returns. He should find it a little embarrassing that she’s able to list of Phil’s usual solo order without him having to even open his mouth, but instead he thanks her as he waits on his food.  
  
Just then, the door jingles open, and for some reason he finds himself turning his head to see who it is, and just as he does, he feels his breath catch in his throat.  
  
“Okay, this is getting a little weird,” Dan laughs, stood in the doorway.  
  
“I think the universe must be saying something,” Phil jokes, but the smile drops off his face when he hears his own words and how they sound. Dan’s still smiling,  
  
“About Chinese food. Chinese food.” It’s not the best save, but it’ll do, because Dan is laughing again.  
  
“I should be embarrassed to be caught twice in here twice in the space of like, three days, but I guess you’re here too, so..” Dan shrugs with a smile, shoving his hands into his trouser pockets.  
  
It’s then when Phil actually looks at Dan. His hair is sat neatly on top of his head and he’s wearing a crisp white shirt with the first few buttons undone, along with a pair of smart looking black suit trousers and smart shoes.  
  
Phil clears his throat and looks back up at Dan, cheeks flushing hot, hoping he hadn’t been too obviously checking him out.  
  
“Yeah,” he laughs dryly, “no shame here.” He smiles weakly.  
  
The lady comes back with a bag of Phil’s food and moves onto serve Dan. Phil’s fishing over the cash when Dan’s done ordering.  
  
“So, um, I’ll see you Friday, I suppose,” Phil smiles as he clutches his dinner in his hand. Dan nods,  
  
“Unless we’re caught back here again,” Dan jokes, rocking a little on his feet.  
  
Phil nods, “Yeah, whenever Ethan’s at his mum’s I find myself pigging out more than I should be.”  
  
Dan smiles, face going a little soft, and Phil seriously can’t ignore the soft dimple that appears in his cheek.  
  
“Might as well.”  
  
Phil nods, and is about to leave, when suddenly he remembers,  
  
“Oh! I hope this okay, and not like, totally weird, but Ethan was wondering if perhaps it’d be okay if Noah would like to come over sometime. Like a play date or something,” Phil tries to say as nonchalantly as possible and Dan nods enthusiastically in response.  
  
“Noah would love that, that’d be great.” He grins, and Phil grins back.  
  
“So we can sort something out on Friday?” Phil asks.  
  
Dan nods, and just then he’s being handed his food, “Yeah, sure. Brilliant. We’ll do that then.”  
  
Phil nods, and smiles. “Yeah, brilliant.”  
  
And with that they say their goodbyes and Phil leaves the little Chinese takeaway and makes his way to his car with a little bounce in his step, and suddenly his chicken noodles aren’t the only thing he’s looking forward to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	4. Chapter 4

When Phil steps through the front door of the apartment he tries to stop the mile wide grin that stretches across his face, but he plonks his bag of food onto the coffee table and keeps on smiling.  
  
It means nothing, it really does. Simply just a playdate for his son and some other kid at his local pool, but there’s that tiny spark of hope that ignites in Phil’s chest.  
  
Dan might not even be gay; he could easily be as straight as a post and have a loving, doting wife back at home. But so far there’s no mention in the four times he’s bumped into Dan of this imaginary house wife Phil’s imagined in his head, so he lets himself feel excited about Friday.  
  
He cracks open the tub of noodles and decides to just go full pig and eat straight of the container, and it’s a good thing that Ethan isn’t here because he isn’t exactly a great example when it came to eating habits, but if having an unhealthy obsession with Chinese food was what it took to bump into Dan tonight, then he gladly accepts those delicious sate chicken sticks with open arms.  
  
He finishes off his food, whilst a crappy tv show and unbuttons his jeans letting out a heavy sigh. The Chinese food sits happily in his belly, and if he weren’t so lazy he’d perhaps get up and grab himself a little glass of wine for himself. But his body actually aches with the amount of food he’s consumed, so instead he reaches for his phone that’s been left on the coffee table.  
  
He has a couple of notifications; a text from Jimmy, another from Natalie and a little blue circle next to his tinder app.  
  
He ignores it and opens Natalie’s text first.  
  
**Nat:** _hi everything is good here. just had dinner and ethan complained about my broccoli bake and said you let him have takeaway this weekend_

Phil snorts to himself at the text and begins to type one back.  
  
**Phil:** _i made bloody spinach pasta yesterday night don’t shame me_

It doesn’t take long for a reply to come through.  
  
**Nat:** _you are forgiven lol :) was gonna get him on the phone to call and say goodnight but he didn’t want to lol too grown up i think_

Phil frowns. Of course, he doesn’t expect his son to want to call and say goodnight every time they’re apart, but it tugs a little at his heart at how fast he seems to be growing up, reminding him of the times he’d answer the phone to a much smaller, squeakier Ethan who’d stumble through his words at what he’d been doing all day at mummy’s.  
  
But h doesn’t let himself dwell on it too much and sends a quick text back.  
  
**Phil:** _good to know he still loves me then lmao if he’s going to bed now tell him i said goodnight and that i love him :)_

The next text comes almost instantly,  
  
**Nat:** _course he loves you and he’s literally brushing his teeth now even though he said he doesn’t need to because broccoli isn’t bad for your teeth lmao weird kid_

 **Nat:** _anyways i better let you go goodnight phil x_

Phil smiles at the text, feeling that warm happy feeling in his chest.  
  
**Phil:** _goodnight nat x_

He closes down the text and opens Jimmy’s message. Of course, it’s a picture of him and Tom sat snuggled in the corner of some bright looking bar.  
  
**Jimmy:** _missing u my looove :(_

Phil snorts a laugh and looks at the picture again, before quickly typing out a text,  
  
**Phil:** _oh nooo a lovely night out with your boyfriend how terrible that i’m not there to third wheel :’(_

Jimmy’s reply comes back quick,  
  
**Jimmy:** _ur our fav third wheel tho babes xox_

Then,  
  
**Jimmy:** _what u doing now? hope ur having an equally banging night as us_  
  
Phil sets his phone down for a second to go get that glass of wine he’d promised himself earlier, it only takes a moment, but once he’s back there’s another text from Jimmy.  
  
**Jimmy:** _oi u better not be ignoring me mate_  
  
Phil takes a sip of his wine as he sits back against the comfort of his sofa,  
  
**Phil:** _never. got myself a wine though :P_  
  
Jimmy just sends an influx of suggesting emojis, and half way through a text Phil is about to send back his phone pings again,  
  
**Jimmy:** _u better be sharing that wine with someone. do i sense a shag? u got the place to urself tonight yh?_  
  
Phil takes a bigger gulp of his wine. He knows Jimmy means no harm, and it’s simply harmful, probably half drunken banter, but it still feels weird that he’s actually sat here on his couch alone with his Chinese and wine for one.  
  
**Phil:** _lmao nah mate just me tonight_  
  
It sounds a little too sad, and he’s not ready to be that emotionally vulnerable tonight, especially since he’ll have to face Jimmy at work tomorrow, so he sends another quick text back.  
  
**Phil:** _although i do have like three notifications from tinder and i haven’t opened them yet lol_

He won’t open them; or course he won’t open them, and even if he did, he wouldn’t bother acting on them. They’re usually the handful of people that are looking for a quick hookup, whether it be for just some late night fun, or someone wanting to leave their husbands or wives for something meaningless and wild just for one night. (not that Phil has ever agreed to that, they only get so far into conversation when they mention how they hate their other halves and Phil is closing down the conversation.)

His phone pings again.  
  
**Jimmy:** _ooo saucy ;) any hotties?_

Phil’s stomach twists in his stomach at the thought, the idea of having to open those messages and socialize to someone, and pretend to have a conversation for all of three minutes until they’re sending suggesting texts and asking if he’d perhaps like to come over for a while.  
  
**Phil:** _lol probs not just ate chinese so i’m retired for the night lmao_

It’s a safe answer to get Jimmy off his back for now, to avoid the awkward conversations about Phil getting dicked down by a stranger just because he’s home alone right now. But of course, vodka-Jimmy see’s straight through his lies.  
  
**Jimmy:** _mmm don’t believe u but whatever mate u do u. can’t say the same for me. gonna go home and make sweet love to my boyf_

Phil groans and types back quickly.  
  
**Phil:** _thanks for being modest and not rubbing it it. also, i think you’re drunk and future you is regretting this conversation tomorrow at work when i make fun of you_

He’s taking another gulp of wine when he gets another buzz from his phone.  
  
**Jimmy:** _fuck u_

 **Jimmy:** _love u though xxx_

It makes Phil smile, and he takes another sip of his wine, probably a sip too large because he can already feel the thrum of alcohol flow warmly through his body.  
  
**Phil:** _love you too. be safe, yeah? see you tomorrow :)_

He sets his phone back down after, not even bothering to check his tinder messages, deeming them useless to him, so instead he drinks the last of his wine and decides to crawl into bed. He clumsily strips to his boxers, discarding his jeans and shirt on the floor and peels back the covers and slips in. The wine is making him sleepily, yet he still feels awake.

He tries not to, but he thinks about Dan. He thinks about Friday, and what he should say and what he should do, and how it’ll all work out. Maybe he’ll ask Dan to come back to theirs, maybe invite him over for a coffee whilst their boys play. Or maybe they’ll go somewhere, like a park and they can grab lunch afterwards.  
  
Either way, he’s stupidly excited.  
  
He thinks about how pretty Dan is. The wine obscures his normal sensible brain, and his mind begins to wonder at how fucking pretty Dan the dad from the pool is.  
  
He has the most prettiest brown eyes, that damned dimple and curls he wishes he could get his hands into. He imagines how good it’d feel to just tug at them, little and light pulls at those gorgeous locks.  
  
With the mental image of his hands in Dan’s hair like that, and the stupid amount of wine in his system, it doesn’t take long for Phil to grow hard in his pants.  
  
He groans, only because it feels dirty and wrong to get off to the mental image of someone he barely knows; someone he doesn’t even know the last name of, but it doesn’t stop him from reaching under and pulling down the waistband of his pants and freeing himself with a sigh.  
  
He takes himself in his hand; it’s a little dry at first but he works his fist over himself and slicks himself up and wanks faster.  
  
This isn’t romantic, or cute or good; he’s jerking himself off with someone face in his head, someone who he’s talked to just a handful of times, but his brain doesn’t care right now, not when he’s fisting his dick quick and hard. He’s getting off with purpose.  
  
Dan’s attractive. He’s a relatively attractive male; far from the types of men that he’s almost and have hooked up with over the last years. He’s sweet and has a pretty smile and Phil thinks about how it’d feel to kiss those lips. And yes, he’s a tiny bit drunk right now, so he allows those intrusive thoughts that fill his mind about what it’d be like to be with a man like Dan.  
  
A few tugs later and he’s coming. It’s nothing mind blowing or earth shattering since it’s just his own hand again, but a good orgasm nonetheless. He gasps and lets his head flop against his pillow from where he’d lifted it off the bed a little.  
  
He grabs his shirt off the floor and cleans himself off quickly. It’s disgusting and gross, but he throws it back down on the floor and leaves it to Phil in the future to clean up.  
  
He doesn’t let himself feel the shame just yet, but instead tucks himself back into his pants and rolls over to his side and closes his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep quickly, before any negative thoughts can creep their way into his head.  
  
And it works.  
  
The next morning, Phil finds himself being very right about his poor friend. Jimmy sits, slumped at his desk and barely notices Phil as he walks past and plonks a cup of coffee beside his head, instead just getting a grunt in response.  
  
“You doing alright there, Jim?” Phil asks, sipping at his own coffee, and Jimmy grunts back, before lifting his head to look up at Phil with very sorry looking eyes.  
  
“Why’re you not a better influence on me, Philly? Who the fuck thought vodka jellies on a bloody Monday night was a good idea?” he whimpers, holding his head in his hands.  
  
Phil sips his coffee again in an attempt to hide his growing grin on his face, “No one ever said it was a good idea. I literally told you not to do it.”  
  
Jimmy plops his head back down on his desk again and whines, clearly feeling very delicate, so Phil pats his head awkwardly and pushes his coffee closer to him.  
  
“I feel like shit,” he croaks as he lifts his head up again, slowly to take his mug between his hands and hold it under his nose.  
  
Phil scoffs, “You look like shit.”  
  
Jimmy rolls his eyes before looking down at his coffee sadly, “Cheers, Phil.”  
  
Phil simply shrugs with a teasing smile, “Good night then, huh? I mean I woke up to a lot of eggplant emojis so either you’re really enthusiastic about vegetables when you’re drunk, or…” Phil trails off as he sips on his coffee again and Jimmy scowls at him and tries to swat his arm, but misses.  
  
“Oi, you, new rule: we don’t talk about Jimmy’s drunken sex texts,” he tells him with a stern voice, but Phil chuckles slightly.  
  
“’Sides, I got more action than you did last night,” Jimmy says bitterly into his mug as he takes a tiny sip.  
  
Phil frowns, placing a hand over his heart in mock hurt, “Wow. Low blow.”  
  
“Ha, well, that’s what you get, mister I got tinder on my phone but don’t bother ever opening the flipping thing,” Jimmy says with a raise of his brow, and Phil just rolls his eyes.  
  
“I told you, I’m a busy guy,” Phil shrugs with a smile.  
  
Jimmy just shakes his head and sets his mug down on his desk and looks back up at Phil,  
  
“Phil, mate, you have to come back out with me at some time. If dating apps aren’t your shit then fine, we’ll do a classic bar setting.”  
  
Phil laughs, “Oh yeah, because you and bars always end up going great don’t they?”  
  
He doesn’t miss the small smile that twitches at the corners of his lips, and shakes his head with a chuckle.  
  
“Well either way you’re not gonna be cooped up for the rest of your life like a lonely old chicken. Come out with my on Friday or something, that way we can get proper smashed and not feel too bad about it the next day.”  
  
There’s something about the word Friday that jostles a hundred nerves in Phil’s stomach, knowing that he already kinda has plans for then,  
  
“I have plans,” he says, without thinking, and as soon as he says it he’s instantly regretting it, because Jimmy seems to have perked up in true Jimmy fashion, and Phil knows now he’s going to have to explain that he doesn’t really have plans, but might be sitting next to a rather attractive man he wanked over last night at their kids swim class to make plans for a playdate.  
  
“Fuck off,” Jimmy says, sounding shocked and Phil has to pretend that it doesn’t hurt just a little bit.  
  
“Well, kinda,” Phil stutters slightly, “I mean just I have to take Ethan swimming and-“  
  
He’s abruptly with Jimmy blowing a raspberry, flapping his arm, “Phil. That does _not_ count as plans.”  
  
Phil shifts on the spot and begins to wring his hands together as Jimmy just chuckles lightly, and he shrugs,  
  
“Well, what if there was a cute guy there, that maybe – that I perhaps might like?” Phil says in a low tone, and he looks down at his feet, then back at Jimmy who’s face nearly cracks in two with a grin,  
  
“You’re gonna sleep with him, aren’t you?” is what he says, and Phil just frowns and rolls his eyes.  
  
“Shut up, you div.”  
  
Jimmy just gives him a look, and Phil is flipping him off and retreating back to the solidarity confinement of his desk where he’ll be Jimmy-free for at least the next couple of hours until he’s crawling back, begging for him to make another cup of coffee.  
  
Phil isn’t actually mad at him though, he knows he means well, even if he has a bit of a crude, brash way of doing it, but despite the tiny ounce of frustration that had begun to flare up within him during his conversation with his friend, he still feels the bubble of excitement in his chest at the thought of Friday.  
  
Only three more days and he’ll be back in that chlorine scented sports centre.  

The working day comes to an end eventually, and after a couple of goodbye’s, Phil is out the door, in his car and on his way to the school.  
  
He’s excited to see Ethan, as always whenever they’re away from each other for however long.  
  
He pulls up the car park and joins the gaggles of parents that are walking down the hill to go wait for the kids to appear.  
  
By the time Phil is stood outside the doors with all other parents of kids in Ethan’s class, the door is already open and kids are bouncing out, and once Phil catches sight of Ethan, he waves him over with a smile.  
  
Ethan abandon’s his friends by his side and skips over to Phil, throwing himself against his stomach, almost knocking the wind from him. Although, Phil doesn’t mind. It feels nice to know his son still looks forward to seeing him after a day at school.  
  
“Hey kid,” Phil smiles at him once Ethan has pulled away, and ruffles his hair gently,  
  
“Hi, I missed you.”  
  
Love swells in Phil’s chest at those four words, and the way Ethan looks up at him with a happy looking smile,  
  
“I miss you too. Come on, let’s go home, yeah?”  
  
“Are you not gonna say goodbye to mum?” Ethan asks as they begin to walk away, and Phil turns to face the crowd of teachers and parents mingling and shakes his head,  
  
“She’s probably still in the school buddy. I’ll text her later, yeah? You can call her if you want.” Phil tells him, and Ethan just nods, probably only half listening as he begins to run ahead of Phil towards the car.  
  
They make it back to the apartment, where Ethan throws his book bag to the floor and makes a run for his room, but Phil just calls him back.  
  
“Your bag doesn’t belong on the floor,” Phil reminds him, looking down at the strewn bag and then back up at Ethan, who lets out a sigh and trudges back to the bag to pick it up, almost as if it were the most difficult task in the world.  
  
He hears Ethan put away his bag in his room, and then soon the sound of the tv bursts to life and he can hear a familiar sounding cartoon begin to play as Phil makes his way to the kitchen.  
  
“What’s for dinner?” Ethan calls out suddenly and Phil groans.  
  
He hadn’t gotten anything in; he’d used up the last of the frozen chicken and hadn’t gotten in any real shopping in a while.  
  
Natalie would absolutely murder him if he let their son have yet another takeaway.  
  
And yet, he walks to the living room, his phone in his hand, where Ethan turns to face him once he hears him enter.  
  
“Dominos?” Phil asks.  
  
Ethan just grins with an enthusiastic nod of his head.  
  
One large pizza later, Phil is still pushing the shame away as he closes up the empty pizza box and shoving it across the coffee table.  
  
“Don’t ever tell you mum that we had pizza tonight. If she asks tell her I made you like, a vegetable stew or something.”  
  
Ethan giggles and chews down on his last crust.  
  
“This is why you’re my favourite parent,” he speaks with his mouthful of food, and Phil just looks round at him from where they’re sat on the sofa with a cross frown,  
  
“Hey, don’t say that. That’s not very nice, is it? And don’t speak with your mouthful.”  
  
Ethan just sinks back down in his seat with a shrug and finishes off his crust.  
  
“Besides, if you lived with me every day of the week you’d probably be ten times bigger than you are now. You should thank your mum for keeping you healthy.” Phil says, stretching out his legs. It’s true; he’s so crap at being healthy, that its hard to be a good example when it’s already a struggle.  
  
Ethan sits up, “Yeah, but you take me swimming. That’s healthy.”  
  
Phil grins, looking down at Ethan, “That reminds me, I asked Noah’s dad if you could play sometime and he’s going to sort something out on Friday.” Phil tells him, probably too excitedly because Ethan just smiles nonchalantly and picks up another discarded crust from the box.  
  
“Cool,” he smiles, throwing it back down after picking at it.

“So you best be on your best behaviour if you want to have a friend over. No more book bags on floors or being mean, okay?” Phil warns him gently and Ethan just smirks,  
  
“Okay.” He pauses for a while, and looks back up at Phil, “When did you see Noah’s dad? In tesco's again?” he asks.  
  
Phil shakes his head, “No, I saw him in Red Dragon yesterday night when I was-“  
  
He’s cut off by Ethan’s sharp gasp, a look of betrayal on his face, “You had Chinese? Without me?” he squeaks, his expression is one of true hurt, and Phil can’t help but laugh loudly.  
  
“You just had a bloody pizza, gutsy!”  
  
Ethan pouts, only before he looks at the empty pizza box, and he’s giggling again, falling about the place until he’s tucked up under Phil’s side with laughter, and Phil feels a great wave of happiness wash over him as Ethan continues to laugh loudly, letting it bounce off the walls.

And it feels good.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	5. Chapter 5

Phil paces the kitchen, circling around the breakfast bar as he shoves a dry towel into a bag, his phone pressed between his ear and shoulder.  
  
“You know, the summer holidays are coming up in, what, two weeks’ time. I ought to be seeing my darling grandson by then,” Phil’s mum, Kath is chatting down the phone to him, but Phil is only half listening as he tries to wrangle his son into getting his swimming trunks from the dryer.  
  
Phil hums. “Well, I mean that’d be nice mum,” he pauses to pick up the goggles Ethan had dropped on the floor.  
  
‘But what?” she asks down the phone.  
  
Phil stills for a moment and lets out a tired sigh, “But I have work up to my bloody eyeballs.”  
  
He can tell what’s about to come.  
  
“Philip Lester. You better have your flight booked to come see me. Even just a weekend would suffice. Don’t trap that poor child up in your flat all summer.”  
  
Phil sighs, and begins to walk towards Ethan’s room to see him pulling his trunks over his head. He tuts, and pulls the phone away from his ear, muttering a quick sorry.  
  
“Ethan. Stop messing around. Put them on and put your clothes on over them, we’re leaving in five minutes,” Phil warns him in his dad-voice, to which Ethan pouts and sadly pulls his shorts off his head.  
  
Phil picks up his phone again, “Sorry, mum, I was just sorting Ethan out. He has swimming-“  
  
“Is that grandma?” Ethan bounces up at Phil’s legs like a puppy, trunks long forgotten on the floor. Phil frowns and picks them back up quickly and hands them to him.  
  
“Yes, it is. She can hear how unhelpful you’re being, and if you continue she’ll ban you from going to her house this summer,” Phil lies, watching Ethan’s face drop before scrambling to sit himself down and get dressed.  
  
Just as Phil turns to leave the room he hears his mum’s voice chuckle in his ear. “Liar,” she laughs.  
  
Phil glances over his shoulder to see Ethan pull his shirt back on. “Honestly mum sometimes you’re my only bargaining chip,” he huffs a sad sounding laugh as he sits down at the breakfast bar.  
  
“Using your old mum as blackmail, huh? Can’t say I never did that with you kids to be fair,” she tells him and Phil rubs his face with his hand as he laughs a little.  
  
“Yeah. I do recall a certain Mrs Fuse character in my childhood? Something about not eating my vegetables, was it?”  
  
Kath chuckles over the line, “Ah yes. Good to know she left a lasting impression, hm?”  
  
Phil shakes his head, “More like traumatized me.”  
  
Kath laughs again, and Phil is about to say something else but is stopped when he hears a crash coming from Ethan’s bedroom. He hop’s up and swiftly makes his way to where he finds his son on his floor with an old towel wrapped around his shoulders, looking sadly at the bed.  
  
“What did I tell you about jumping off the bed like that?” Phil tells him sternly after he realises he’s not hurt at all. He snatches the dirty towel off him and throws it into the laundry bin.  
  
Ethan says nothing, and instead pulls himself up off the floor and rubs at his leg sadly.  
  
“Should I let you go, love?” Kath is speaking again and Phil sighs tiredly.  
  
“Yeah, I gotta go anyways, mum. We’re off to swimming. Only though,” he turns to look at Ethan with a look, “if we behave ourselves.”  
  
Ethan doesn’t respond and instead hangs off Phil’s leg. “I wanna talk to grandma!”  
  
Phil rolls his eyes, his best efforts of holding any authority clearly wasted, and he passes the phone to his son who grabs it and presses it against his ear eagerly.  
  
“Hi grandma!” he beams, and Phil can hear the distant sound of his mother’s voice through the speaker,  
  
“Hello darling, are you being good for your dad?” she asks sweetly, to which Ethan looks up at Phil sheepishly and then back down again.  
  
“Yeah,” he doesn’t sound entirely convinced. Phil just rolls his eyes, lacking any real annoyance now.  
  
“Well, I heard you’ve got your swimming lesson tonight, so I should let you get off then shouldn’t I?” Kath speaks down the phone.  
  
“Okay!” Ethan grins. He goes to take the phone away from his ear but pulls it back again, “Oh! Grandma, guess what?”  
  
Phil hears her give a little laugh, “What, sweetheart?”  
  
“I met a new friend at swimming! His name is Noah, and he speaks, uh, dad, what is it called again?” Ethan asks looking up at Phil.  
  
“Sign language,” Phil tells him gently.  
  
“Sign language. He speaks sign language. He’s gonna teach me some, isn’t that cool grandma?” Ethan tells her excitedly.  
  
Phil hasn’t gotten the energy to tell him for the billionth time that you can’t ‘speak’ sign language, but it’s adorable nonetheless.  
  
He hears Kath give a bit of a dramatic gasp of excitement, “Well, isn’t that lovely!”  
  
Ethan nods, which makes Phil laugh a little considering he’s forgotten she can’t see him.  
  
“Okay I’m going now,” Ethan says suddenly, and shoves the phone back in Phil’s hands as he takes off through the apartment. When Phil presses it to his ear, she’s still laughing.  
  
“You’re always welcome to drop him off here for the summer; let him burn off some of that steam,” she jokes, and Phil just laughs dryly.  
  
“Wouldn’t be so bad actually,” he jokes back.  
  
“Anyway darling, you go, let himself tire himself out with some swimming. Take care. Book those tickets,” she tells him.  
  
“I’ll try mum.”  
  
“Love you both. Talk soon.”  
  
Phil smiles, “Love you too. Bye.” And he hangs up.  
  
He always feels a little happier after speaking with his mum, even after such a short time, it always seem to make him smile. He’s sure it’s because of all the times in his life she’d be there to hold him and kiss away the physical and mental bruises of life. He just hoped he could be half the parent she is, for Ethan.  
  
With that he joins him in the kitchen and manages to get him out the door and into the car, with only five minutes to go until the lesson starts. Classic Phil move.

*  
  
“Don’t run!” Phil is yelling after Ethan as he escapes out the changing room. They’d made it in time, but it seems as if the rest of the class has already made their way out to the pool, so Phil sends him off, watching him carefully as he does a half little flappy run to meet with the other kids who are getting into the pool.  
  
Phil sighs a sigh of relief, and looks out to the rows of plastic chairs that surround the pool. It doesn’t take long to spot him.  
  
He sits, hair fluffed up on top of his head, a denim jacket hugged around his shoulders and an empty seat beside him, giving Phil all the confidence to stride up to him and take it.  
  
“Hey,” he says lamely, and Dan turns, a little startled, but smiles when he realises who it is.  
  
“Oh, Phil, hi,” Dan grins, and Phil can feel the corners of his mouth pull up when he notices that Dan hadn’t in fact forgotten his name.  
  
“Good to see you again, how you been?” Phil asks, and Dan nods, crossing his legs over another as he twists to face Phil a little better.  
  
“Good. Thanks, you?”  
  
Phil nods, and looks out to the pool where Ethan jumps in and is caught by the teacher,  
  
“Good, thanks. Been a long week but I’m glad it’s Friday now,” he laughs as he looks back at Dan. His eyes sparkle under the bright pool lights.  
  
Dan smiles, “Me too. Glad for the weekend tomorrow,” he laughs, just a little awkwardly.  
  
Phil’s stomach twists a little; he’s always bad at keeping conversation going, so he clears his throat and wills himself not to lose this one.  
  
“So, uh, what do you do then?” he asks, the memory of a disheveled Dan stood in Red Dragon earlier this week in a crisp white shirt and suit trousers still fresh in his mind.  
  
“Oh, I’m a child counsellor,” Dan tells him with a nod. “Yeah, I just kinda talk to kids about their problems and stuff,” Dan shrugs nonchalantly.  
  
Phil swears he feels his heart skip a beat. So not only does he look like an angel, but he _is_ one?  
  
“What about you?” Dan asks.  
  
Phil swallows thickly the dryness that had appeared in his mouth. “Oh, uh, it’s boring, actually. I do editing, for like, uh BBC trailers and stuff like that,” Phil tells him.  
  
What he doesn’t expect is for Dan’s face to crack into a bright grin.  
  
“That’s amazing? Oh my god do you do the Doctor Who trailers?” he asks, leaning forward, when suddenly a blush bursts up his jaw and he sits back again.  
  
“Sorry, that was weird,” he mutters quietly, but Phil chuckles.  
  
“You like Doctor Who? Same here.” Phil smiles fondly. Dan smiles back.  
  
“But yeah, I’ve worked on the Christmas one, a few years back,” Phil tells him proudly with a nod. It was actually really fun, getting to work on something he loved so much, and he can tell the way Dan’s eyes light up he’s clearly interested.

“That’s actually amazing,” Dan tells him in awe, and Phil laughs again.  
  
“Well, not as amazing as doing what you do. Bet that’s a tough job,” Phil frowns. He’s not sure if that’s the right thing to say, but Dan just smiles and nods,  
  
“Sometimes, yeah. But kids are tough, huh?” He looks over at the pool, and Phil follows his eyes to where he spots little Noah, his goggles strapped over his head securely, holding onto the hands of the teacher as he kicks his legs out and swims along the lane. Phil smiles.  
  
“You convinced him to wear the goggles then?” he asks, turning to face Dan again who looks back at him with a soft smile,  
  
“Hm? Oh! Yeah, the goggles,” Dan chuckles, his eyes going a little squinty, “I managed to convince him in the end.”  
  
Phil laughs, and looks back at the pool where Ethan bobs up and down and waves over to Phil. Phil laughs and waves back, and catches Dan doing the same with a grin.  
  
“Ethan’s been really going on about having Noah over sometime, like, all week,” Phil says, trying to segway the conversation.  
  
Dan perks up and hums, “Yeah, I think that’d be really cool actually.”  
  
Phil smiles, “Great. Well we can figure something out soon, and perhaps get them together soon if you want,” Phil says, trying not to trip on his words. But Dan’s eyes smile again at him,  
  
“Of course.”  
  
“Great,” Phil says.  
  
“Yeah, great.”  
  
A whistle blows and Phil nearly jumps out of his skin and looks round at the pool. Luckily there seems to be no dramas and he relaxes. He hears Dan laughs softly beside him.  
  
“That scared me,” Phil says breathlessly, but Dan just continues to laugh quietly.  
  
“Don’t laugh at me, I just had a school flashbacks from that single whistle,” Phil jokes and Dan sits up and smiles more.  
  
“Oh god, don’t ever remind me, now I’m having school flashbacks,” Dan grimaces.  
  
Phil can’t believe how easy it is to fall into conversation with him; almost like it’s second nature to him.  
  
Phil shrugs, “Hardly flashbacks though is it. You’re young, when did you even leave school?”  
  
It’s not a line, but merely a smooth way of perhaps getting to know how old Dan is.  
  
Dan obviously finds it funny as he rolls his eyes with a smile and shakes his head. “I have a son, mate. I’m not that young.”  
  
Phil laughs. “Oh yeah.”  
  
“I’m 27,” Dan tells him.  
  
“31,” Phil says back. Dan raises a brow, and Phil tries not to let the blush he feels rush through his body darken his cheeks.  
  
“So you said you just moved here then?” Phil tries to avert the conversation from getting awkward, and Dan shifts in his seat,  
  
“Yeah, we just moved here actually. I come from Reading, well, a small town there. I can tell you’re not a real Londoner though,” Dan smirks.  
  
Phil shakes his head, “A northerner, through and through.”  
  
Dan nods, “Knew it. Where abouts?”  
  
“Manchester,” Phil tells him, and Dan grin goes all big again,  
  
“Manchester? I went to uni there! Loved it there.”  
  
Phil nods, feeling a sense of pride for some reason, “Me too. Miss it sometimes though.”  
  
He does miss Manchester. His parents long moved away from his childhood home to the Isle of Man, and nothing is really left in the city for him to go back too.  
  
“Why’d you leave?” he hears Dan asking.  
  
Phil shrugs, although he knows the answer. It was because Natalie was here in London and Phil had just been offered a job. Although, Dan doesn’t need to know about that first half.  
  
“Work,” he simply says, and Dan nods in understanding.  
  
“What brought you to London then?” Phil asks back, and Dan looks down, his face darkening a bit, before he looks back up.  
  
“Needed a change,” he tells him.  
  
Phil nods. He’s not sure what that means, really, but he can accept it. “Change is good,” he says.  
  
Dan agrees with a small hum. “Yeah.”  
  
They fall into a comfortable kind of silence, and it’s a nice change from the awkward tension Phil is always so used to when talking to people. But here he can sit beside Dan and listen to the sounds of slashing water and voices that echo off the walls.  
  
“Any plans for the weekend?” Dan asks after a while.  
  
Phil shrugs, “Probably not. Might get a Chinese again, although after I picked Ethan up from his mums this week he kinda snitched on me and I think I’m on takeaway home arrest,” he jokes.  
  
Dan’s face falls soft. “You’re not married?”  
  
Phil shakes his head, and for some reason his heart beats heavy in his chest. “No, we, uh, we were never married,” he tells him.  
  
Dan just cocks his head, almost as if he’s thinking, and he smiles. “Oh. Okay.”  
  
Phil has no fucking clue what the hell that’s even supposed to mean; what the hell it’s meant to imply, if it meant anything at all. He doesn’t know how to respond with words, so he laughs a little awkwardly, and shoves his hands under his thighs.  
  
Dan just smiles and looks back over at the pool, watching Ethan.  
  
Eventually, the lesson ends, and parents are hauling themselves tiredly off the little plastic seats and returning to the changing rooms to reunite with their children. This time, Dan follows.  
  
They’re both met with Ethan and Noah. Ethan skips happily towards Phil whilst Noah follows quietly behind.  
  
“Hey, good lesson?” Phil asks as he reaches for the towel out of the bag and hands it to Ethan. He nods from under the towel on his head,  
  
“It was great! Wasn’t it Noah?” Ethan says, turning to Noah who stands at Dan’s feet as Dan grabs him his own towel.  
  
When Noah doesn’t respond, Ethan frowns. Phil is about to say something, when Ethan is jumping over to Dan and tapping him on the leg,  
  
“’Scuse me. How do I say ‘great’ in sign language?” Ethan is asking once he has Dan’s attention. Phil feels hot all over and is pulling him by the shoulders back a little out of Dan’s personal space. He goes to apologise but instead, Dan crouches down and smiles warmly at Ethan. He looks up at Phil for a second, almost checking, before Phil just smiles at him.  
  
Dan looks back at Ethan and holds his hands up,  
  
“Like this,” he tells him, just as he moves his hands, one palm flat, and the other in a fist. He bounces his fist off his flat palm and moves his hand into a thumbs off.  
  
Ethan watches carefully, and Dan repeats the action slowly as Ethan tries to copy. He eventually seems to get it, and turns to Noah to show him. His movements are a little slow, but Noah watches and smiles, and nods.  
  
Noah then begins to move his hands, too fast for Ethan to understand and he pouts again, looking up at Phil,  
  
“That’s too hard.”  
  
Both Dan and Phil laugh a little, and Dan hands Noah his towel and begins to ruffle his hair.  
  
“Well, I spoke to Dan and we said we’d sort something out for the both of you,” Phil tells him as Ethan peels off his wet trunks from under his towel.  
  
Dan hums, “You’d be more than welcome to come over.”  
  
Phil smiles, for what feels the millionth time this evening. He feels like he’s slept with a clothing hanger in his mouth.  
  
Ethan bounces up and down, pulling his shorts up one leg, “Dad, can we go to Noah’s at the weekend?” he asks excitedly, and Phil has to put his hands on his shoulders to calm him, and gives Dan a sympathetic smile for his over excitable child.  
  
“We’ll have to see, kiddo. I’m sure Dan and Noah are busy this weekend,” Phil tells him. Although, hanging out with Dan this weekend does sound fun.  
  
Dan sits up once he’s pulled Noah’s shirt over his head.  
  
“Well, maybe unless we continue to meet in Chinese restaurants and swimming pools, I can give you my number and we can sort something out?” Dan asks with a hint of confidence in his voice, and Phil can’t remember the last time he felt this nervous about something as small as exchanging numbers.  
  
But Jimmy’s voice echo’s in his head, about how it’s just a playdate. But he tells Jimmy to bugger off and go back to living it up with wine and boyfriends, and lets himself have this for once.  
  
He nods, and swallows thickly, his mouth run dry. “Yeah, sure. Yeah.” he stammers, but Dan doesn’t seem to notice because he’s grabbing his phone from his pocket to hand over.  
  
Phil’s heart beats in his chest and Ethan is continuing to repeat the same sign he learnt just moments ago to a confused looking Noah.  
  
He grins happily as Dan pulls his phone out, and as he unlocks it, something catches Phil’s eyes that makes his heart sink.  
  
When Dan hands over the phone, the looming suspicion that had begun to sprout in his chest bursts, leaving a soggy sad mess inside of him.  
  
A wedding ring, wrapped around the appropriate finger, shimmering in a pretty silver light against florescent changing room lights. Phil swallows down again, this time letting it clog up in his throat.

But he takes the phone and quickly adds himself into the contacts. He adds his name as _Phil Lester (swimming)_ and hands it back to Dan with a thin lipped smile.  
  
Dan, blissfully unaware of Phil’s world crashing to a sad stop, takes the phone happily and slips it back into his pocket. How the hell did Phil never notice that stupid wedding ring before?  
  
“Well, I’ll be sure to text you if we’re around this weekend,” Dan tells him, patting down his pocket.  
  
Phil nods, and looks over at where Ethan struggles to repeat his new skill, until Noah shakes his head and shows him with his own hands. He can’t be too upset.  
  
“Yeah, of course,” Phil tells him with a smile that doesn’t feel as happy as before.  
  
Dan nods, and pulls Noah away, both waving goodbye. Ethan waves back and yells out a bye, and Phil is stood standing alone in the damp changing rooms feeling slightly crushed.  
  
“Dad? Are you alright?” Ethan speaks up after a while, pulling on the bottom of his shirt to get his attention. Phil looks down at him and smiles, feeling his heart swell with a particular kind of love at the slightly worried look his son gives him.  
  
Phil nods and ruffles Ethan’s hair playfully. “Yeah kid. Let’s go home, hm?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	6. Chapter 6

Dan doesn’t text. It’s not supposed to feel weird. It’s not supposed to feel a tad disappointing when Phil wakes on Saturday morning to an empty phone, textless from a married man who has a family at home, and a job and a life outside swimming lessons and Chinese takeaways.  
  
But nonetheless, it stings a little, only because Phil had gone and built up his expectations. So instead, he spends the morning sat on the sofa watching reruns of The Office whilst Ethan plays on the floor with a plethora of toys scattered around.  
  
Dan doesn’t text when Phil makes a third cup of coffee, and he starting to regret of not handing over his own phone for him to punch his number into. But that regret fizzles out rather quickly because even if Phil did have his number, he’d have no idea of what to say.  
  
And besides, Dan had said he’d text to let him know if he was free this weekend, and quite clearly Dan was probably busy. Playdates between him and someone he’d hardly spoken to were probably at the bottom of his list of things to do this weekend.  
  
Once he’s chugged down his coffee, he hears Ethan begin to bore of his little power ranger action figures on the floor, and Phil decides perhaps a sweet little walk to the park will help both their boredom.  
  
“Park?” Phil asks, standing in the doorway to look down at where his son lays dramatically sprawled out on the rug. His eyes light up and he springs up, and that’s all the confirmation he needs.  
  
Phil decides on walking the way, rather than driving, much to Ethan’s dismay, but it earns him a long game of i-spy the whole way there, and once they’ve reached the stretch of grass that’s dotted with other parents and children, Ethan breaks into a run and heads towards the swings.  
  
Phil watches him for a moment, plonking himself down on the seat and pushing off with as much strength as he can, gleefully swinging. Phil considers perhaps going over to give him a bit of a push, but he gains momentum and Phil can hear his giggles from where he’s stood. He retreats to a park bench, thankfully there’s a free one, whilst a huddle of mother’s stand just to the side of and chat away.  
  
Phil looks across the park; there’s toddlers being pulled along by arm and kids his own son’s age chasing each other; some friends, some siblings.  
  
He looks back at Ethan, still happily content on his lone swing and Phil finds himself feeling just a little bit sad.  
  
He loved having a brother growing up; loved pottering just one step behind him. Loved their sleepovers and secret languages they’d create behind their parents back. He loved his older brother, still does. And it’s just a little bit sad for Phil to acknowledge that his own child doesn’t have that.  
  
Ethan had friends; he was a generally happy kid, but he didn’t have that special brotherly bond that Phil loved so much during his own childhood. Either way, as long as Ethan was happy, that was what counted. There wasn’t much he could do about it now, and as far as he knew, Ethan hadn’t really shown interest in wanting any other siblings.  
  
Phil guesses it’s because Ethan understands; not to the full extent, but knows enough to know that his parents won’t be telling him the happy news of a baby sister or brother any time soon. He’s never lived like that, so he can’t really mourn something he’s never really had.  
  
Ethan jumps off the swing and comes barreling towards Phil with arms stretched wide and a grin miles wide.  
  
“Dad!” he shrieks happily, “Dad, can we ask Noah if he wants to come and play? Please?” he asks once he’s stopped in front of Phil.  
  
Phil frowns, “I would buddy, but I don’t have Dan’s number. He said he’d text me if he was free. I think they’re busy today.”  
  
Ethan’s face only shows a second of disappointment before he hears a far off call of his name, and he’s looking round quickly to see a small group of kids wave him over,  
  
“That’s Izzy and some other kids from school. Can I go play with them please?” he asks once he’s looked back, and Phil chuckles with a nod of his head,  
  
“Yeah or course. Be good though, yeah?”  
  
He doesn’t get an answer because he’s already taking off across the park to join the other kids, where they all begin running around the small grassy area.  
  
Phil watches fondly, half hoping that whatever parent is here also doesn’t try and come over and small talk with him, but a safe amount of time passes, and Phil glances down at his phone. It’s almost lunch time, and his bowl of cereal this morning seems to have vanished into thin air inside his stomach, leaving him feeling empty and hungry.  
  
He hears Ethan’s shrill screams, then a loud laugh and Phil looks up quickly to see him messing around with another boy from his class and looking back down at his phone.  
  
Dan still hadn’t text him.  
  
He tries not to dwell on it too much, but the memory of a silver band around his long, delicate looking fingers burns in the back of his mind, and Phil finds himself sighing something sad.  
  
Maybe he’ll take Ethan out somewhere nice for lunch; a McDonalds if Natalie doesn’t find out. And just as he’s planning his burger lunch, his phone chimes and he’s glancing down rather quickly.  
  
It’s from an unknown number, but the first line causes Phil’s lips to curl into a wide smile.  
  
_hey it’s dan, dan howell from swimming. sorry i didn’t text earlier, i was a bit caught up in something but i’m free for the rest of today. if you and ethan wanna come over for lunch you’d be more than welcome :) let me know and i’ll text you the address :)_

And suddenly Big Mac’s for lunch are off the table and there’s an eruption of butterflies in his tummy. He calm’s them, the voice in the back of his head yelling something about wedding rings, but he ignores it and glances back up to look over at where Ethan runs around. They catch eyes and Phil is waving him over.  
  
“Yeah?” Ethan smiles, sounding a little breathless, his cheeks flushed.  
  
“You wanna go to Noah’s for lunch?” Phil asks, and Ethan smiles gleefully, pushing himself up against Phil’s knee.  
  
“Yeah!”  
  
Phil nods, “Okay, well, say goodbye to your friends and I’ll let Dan know and then we can go home, get ready and head out, yeah?” he asks, and Ethan nods, turning back round to his previous huddle of friends. Phil watches for a second before glancing back down at his phone and begins tapping away at a reply.  
  
**Phil:** _Hi Dan! That’d be great, thanks. Just let me know when and where and we’ll come by! Thanks, Phil._  
  
He’s not sure if it’s too formal, too vague or not the right thing to say, but moments later it doesn’t matter because Dan is sending over his address, telling him anytime around now is good. Phil almost springs off the park bench with excitement just as Ethan comes running back towards him, yelling out goodbyes over his shoulder.  
  
Phil’s never walked faster towards home in his life.  
  
*  
  
“Are you staying too then?” Ethan asks as they pull out the drive. They’ve both changed clothes, Phil had spent a good ten minutes in the bathroom messing around with his hair before deciding that just pushing it up and spraying whatever hair products he had was good enough, and finally, they’re out the door heading towards Dan’s house.  
  
Phil hums, “Yeah. It’d just be easier if I stay too. That way I don’t have to come back and forth.”  
  
It’s not exactly a lie, but Phil isn’t going to tell his eight year old son that he wants to stay for lunch because he likes Dan.  
  
But he shakes the thought from his head, the word wedding ring shrill in his head still. He swallows thickly, remembering that there’s a chance that maybe it won’t just be Dan there. What if it’s his wife? Or husband? Or whatever – he won’t make it weird or awkward and he’ll try his best not to act a fool.

They drive towards the address Dan had sent over and Phil finds himself driving down roads of neat little rows of houses, not too far from their apartment. He feels his palms sweat against the wheel as the navigation tells him he’s reached his destination, and he’s pulling up on the driveway that must be to Dan’s home, just beside Dan’s car.  
  
He makes mental note that there’s only one car on the drive.  
  
He sits in the drive for a total of twenty seconds, before realising if Dan can see him from inside, it’d probably look proper weird, so he unbuckles his belt and lets Ethan out and climbs out after him.  
  
He walks up to the door, noticing the pretty little front garden that boxes the wall with a neatly trimmed row of lush green shrubbery.  
  
Ethan knocks on the door with his knuckles and stands beside Phil patiently.  
  
Phil is about to remind him about manners, stuff he knows Ethan already is aware of, but Phil doesn’t get the chance to even speak because the door opens, and Dan is stood in the doorway.  
  
His hair is pushed back, looking wild, and he’s in a plain black t-shirt and joggers. Phil feels a little stupid for wearing his corgi shirt and fresh jeans, but he smiles nonetheless.  
  
“Phil, Ethan, hi, come in, yeah?” Dan grins, and Ethan walks in past Dan and Phil follows.  
  
His house is beautiful; there’s a little kitchen through to the other side of the house, he can see a living room in one room and what looks like a study just opposite. He looks up to where the stairs lead and takes it all in.  
  
Phil loves his little apartment, but this house is wonderfully sweet.  
  
“You can leave your shoes on,” he hears Dan speak as they walk through to the kitchen, “I’m not one of those people that go mad if you wanna keep them on,” he chuckles.  
  
Phil doesn’t listen, and instead toes off his trainers, and Ethan watches and does the same, and lines them up nicely beside the door. Next to two other pairs of shoes.  
  
Just two.  
  
Phil clears his throat, “So how’ve you been?” he asks as they enter the kitchen. There’s a big wooden table at one end and a breakfast bar at the other, where Noah is perched up on, seemingly doodling something on a few pieces of paper.  
  
“Good thanks, bit busy today but I’m glad you could come over,” Dan turns to smile at them both.  
  
Ethan clearly makes his self at home and hops up on the bar stool beside Noah. He taps his fingers against paper and Noah looks up at Ethan and his slightly startled expression breaks into a grin.  
  
“Hi,” Ethan smiles, “what you drawing?” he says looking down at the array of papers scattered on the breakfast bar.  
  
Noah just looks at Ethan, then down at the papers and frowns, looking up at Dan big round brown eyes.  
  
“Oh, you want your aid?” Dan asks looking down at Noah whilst signing with his hands, to which Noah nods.  
  
“Sorry, I’ll just be a second,” Dan turns to Phil and Phil just nods and shoves his hands in his pocket as Dan leaves the room.  
  
Phil hears the sounds of his socked feet thumping up the stairs, and Phil just stands in Dan’s kitchen awkwardly watching both kids scribble on paper.  
  
Phil takes advantage of the tiny amount of time he has whilst Dan’s upstairs and looks around the kitchen, poking his head down the hallway.  
  
The nice lavender colored walls are bare save from a few little framed pictures of what Phil guesses is Noah, through various stages in his life up until now. No pictures of Dan, or anyone else. He frowns, but quickly stops when he hears Dan return.  
  
He has a little device in his hands and he moves swiftly towards Noah where he’s fiddling with it on the side of his head, and Phil just watches Ethan watch intently. After a few seconds, Dan pulls away and Noah smiles up at him,  
  
“That okay?” Dan asks, not moving his hands, and Noah nods,  
  
“Yeah,” Noah mumbles. It shocks Phil a little, to hear his voice, but he smiles when he looks round to Ethan happily.  
  
“Do you wanna draw?” he asks. His voice is quiet and he slurs some of his words, but Ethan seems to understands and nods,  
  
“Yeah. Okay.”  
  
“Oh, Phil, would you like a drink or something? You can sit down if you want,” Dan says, nodding at the wooden table. Phil pulls back a chair and sits.  
  
“Uh, yeah a coffee would be lovely, thanks,” he asks politely and Dan nods and turns to a fancy looking coffee machine.

He’s not sure why a wave of nervousness washes over him as he watches Dan make him a coffee, a real coffee, a step away from the instant kind he likes at home. But he’s not going to complain.  
  
“So what kind of sandwiches do you guys like? We have ham, chicken,” Dan speaks as he starts pressing different buttons on the machine.  
  
Before Phil has a chance to answer, Ethan is almost leaping up in his chair,  
  
“Oh! Sometimes my dad makes me cucumber and crisp sandwiches!”  
  
Dan laughs, and actually snorts as he turns to face Phil with a smile, his dimple deep,  
  
“Cucumber and crisps?” he laughs, and Phil feels his cheeks burn just a little as he shrugs, trying to be cool.  
  
“They’re good, aren’t they Ethan?” Phil says, looking over at Ethan who nods proudly.  
  
Dan laughs and shakes his head a little, “Okay, I definitely have cucumbers and crisps for you,” he says, still smiling as he returns back to making the coffee.  
  
“What about you, Noah? What’s your favourite sandwich?” Ethan asks, perhaps a little louder than necessary, but Dan says nothing.  
  
“Chicken,” Noah says slowly and Ethan nods.  
  
“Can you show me how to say that with like, your hands?” Ethan asks, glancing down to Noah’s little hands, occupied with a bright red crayon.  
  
Noah nods as Phil watches them both, and watches the smaller boy move his hands towards his mouth, and uses his pointer finger and thumb to bring together and apart again, much like a beak.  
  
Ethan must find it funny because he lets out a loud giggle, and Phil is about to tell him off, when Noah suddenly laughs too.  
  
“It’s like a chicken! Dad, look,” Ethan looks over at Phil and repeats the action proudly. Phil smiles and nods,  
  
“Very good,” he says as both boys sign chicken together in giggles.  
  
“You having fun, Noah?” Dan asks, turning around with two mugs of coffee and making his way to where Phil sits.  
  
Noah nods, and begins to sign something quick to Dan who scoffs a laugh.  
  
“Use your words, little man. Maybe show Ethan how to say his name, yeah?”  
  
“Is he alright?” Phil asks in a low voice as Dan takes the seat opposite him, and gladly takes one of the mugs from his hands.  
  
Dan nods with a smile, “Yeah, he gets a little shy sometimes, that’s all. He said that Ethan was funny.”  
  
Phil feels a swell of pride burst in his chest. He likes to think Ethan inherited that from him somehow.  
  
Both Dan and Phil look back at both boys who sit together and Noah is moving his hands slowly in repeated actions, trying to show Ethan the sign for his name.  
  
“Sorry, I didn’t ask if you take sugar,” Dan says suddenly, standing up, “I hope that coffee is alright?”  
  
Phil laughs, “Oh, this is a lot better than the usual instant coffee I usually poison myself with at home,” he jokes just as Dan comes back to the table with a little pot of sugar and a spoon.  
  
Dan sits back down and wrinkles his nose up in detest, “You drink that?” he says in disgust, and Phil just laughs,  
  
“It’s good! Reminds me of home up North,” he tells him as he brings the mug to his lips and takes a sip.  
  
“Fair enough,” Dan smiles, and takes a sip of his own drink.  
  
Phil is almost mesmerised at how his large hands wrap around the mug, engulfing it - that is until he sees the silver band again, and how it sits on his finger. Phil takes another larger sip and tries not to wince when it burns hot against the tip of his tongue.  
  
“So, you said you were a children’s counselor? How did you get into that?” Phil finds himself asking, only because he isn’t really sure what else to say.  
  
Dan sets his mug down, peering into his coffee for a second before looking up at Phil with an almost strained smile. It sits weird with Phil for some reason.  
  
Before Dan can answer both boys are hopping down from the breakfast bar.  
  
“Can we go to the living room?” Noah is asking quietly, and Phil notices how his hands twitch as his sides.  
  
“Are you gonna watch a film?” Dan asks, and both boys nod as Dan stands up.  
  
“Alright, lemme go set it up, yeah?” Dan smiles as he walks out, both kids trailing behind him as they leave the room.  
  
Phil is left alone, again, in Dan’s nice big country styled kitchen. He’s not sure what to do, so he sips again on his coffee and wills himself not to feel awkward.  
  
Dan returns after a couple of minutes, and Phil can hear the tv blaring loudly from the living room, making him jump a little from the sudden noise.  
  
“Sorry. He likes it loud, you know,” Dan says as he re-enters the room, picking up his mug and taking a long sip now that it’d cooled.  
  
“It’s alright,” Phil smiles, “I’m used to a lot of noise; it comes with having a crazy eight year old,” he laughs lightly, and Dan hums into his coffee.  
  
“I better start on lunch. Are you hungry, I can make you something if you want,” Dan offers as he goes towards the fridge.  
  
Phil isn’t sure whether to get up and help or to just sit here and awkwardly watch Dan make lunch, so he scoots off his chair and walks over to where Dan stands.  
  
“I’m not fussed to be honest, but I’ll help if you want,” he offers politely as Dan pulls something from the fridge, turning to face him with a smile.  
  
“You don’t have to help,” he smiles but Phil just shrugs as Dan moves to make way for them to both stand side by side at the counter.  
  
“So cucumber and crisps hm?” Dan smiles as they both begin buttering slices of bread.  
  
Phil huffs a laugh, dipping his knife back into the soft butter, “He’s a weird kid. Great, but weird. Gets it from me I reckon.”  
  
Dan stops lathering butter over his slice of bread to look up at Phil with a grin,  
  
“Not a particularly bad thing,” he says in an almost whisper, and it sends chills running under Phil’s skin.  
  
“No,” he mutters quietly back.  
  
They finish up making the boys’ sandwiches and place them on little plastic plates and Dan leaves to go call them back to the kitchen to eat, and Phil feels a little bad that he hardly ever makes Ethan eat at the table at home, but they come skipping in behind Dan, Ethan talking a million miles a minute as Noah seemingly listens quietly.

“Phil, are you sure I can’t fix you something to eat? I’m not hungry myself but I can make you something if you want,” Dan says as he helps Noah up onto his seat, watching him tuck into his chicken mayo sandwich.  
  
Phil shakes his head and shoves his hands awkwardly into his jean pockets, “Honestly Dan, I’m fine thanks.”  
  
Dan looks at him, not looking entirely convinced but he quirks his eyebrow and shakes his head, “Alright. But next time I’m gonna get us some real food. And I definitely mean takeaways, by the way.”  
  
Dan laughs at his own joke, his voice going fluttery whilst Phil’s heart kicks hard against his ribcage.  
  
Next time?  
  
It sounded like a line; like a smooth segway into making sure there was a next time they’d hang out, but Phil can’t be sure.  
  
He can’t be sure because Dan is already turning to throw the chopping board into the sink to wash it up, and he can’t be sure because he’s stood dumbly in the middle of a very pretty looking kitchen belonging to an even prettier man who has a fucking wedding ring wrapped around his finger and so far no mention or evidence of anyone else other than Dan and Noah existing in this house.  
  
He hears the scrape of a chair behind him and it seems to snap Phil back into place as he turns around to see Ethan climb out of his chair.  
  
“I need to pee,” Ethan says, uncaring, and Phil frowns at him.  
  
He’s about to tell him off for using such blunt toilet talk when others are trying to eat but Dan’s already turned around and walked towards them.  
  
“Downstairs loo sink is a bit iffy right now. Upstairs one is the last door on the left from the stairs. You’ll see it,” Dan smiles at them.  
  
Phil looks down at Ethan briefly, almost in questioning if he wants Phil to take him, and instead Ethan is tugging Phil along by the hand towards the stairs.  
  
They walk up the stairs, Phil’s socked feet sinking into the fluffy warm cream carpet and Phil can’t imagine that if he had this kind of flooring at his own place that it’d ever last as long as this one.  
  
They do in fact manage to find the bathroom easily, and Ethan slips in whilst Phil asks him with a whisper if he needs him to come in with him, only resulting in an angry looking pout from him as he gently shuts the door, leaving Phil on the landing by himself.  
  
There’s two other doors; Dan’s room and Noah’s room he guesses.  
  
Noah’s bedroom door is shut but it seems as if the master bedroom door is open just slightly.  
  
Phil looks back at the bathroom door, and then down towards the stairs, straining his ears to listen to the distant sounds of Dan’s voice as he talks to Noah in the kitchen. Then, with small footsteps, Phil makes his way to the bedroom door.  
  
He’s not about to do anything crazy; just poke his head in as far as he can and just… well, he’s not really sure what he’s doing, but it’s too late because he’s already pushing the door open just another fraction.  
  
As far as he can see there’s nothing weird. No locked up spouses or doll heads or lumps of meat hanging from hooks. Just a normal, plain looking bedroom.  
  
The walls are a glossy grey colour, which match the bedsheets, although Phil can just about see them anyways. The bed looks neatly made, and pillows stacked up on either side, which doesn’t help Phil at all. He notices the lack of pictures, even out here on the landing, the fair few of Noah; baby pictures and some more recent, but none of nobody else. If a stranger were to walk into this house they’d think it was just a child that lived here by themselves.  
  
He squints his eyes through the crack, desperate to perhaps just take a look around, and he pushes the door open just a tiny amount, almost feeling brave enough to take a look, until he hears a creak of a floorboard from right behind him.  
  
He spins around, heart flying into his mouth and his eyes wide and mouth open to splutter any and all excuses and apologies until he realises it’s just Ethan staring up at him with a confused look.  
  
“What the hell are you doing?” Ethan whispers as Phil places his hand over his beating chest with a sigh.  
  
He doesn’t even bother trying to tell him off for saying ‘hell’, but instead pulls the door to, just as it was when he found it, and pulls Ethan down the stairs.  
  
“Nothing,” Phil tells him with a whisper. “I was doing nothing.”  
  
Ethan’s confused expression turns into a smirk as they re-enter the kitchen where Dan is pouring out two little plastic cups of Ribena.  
  
“You like Ribena?” Phil finds himself saying, trying to play as cool as he can, and Dan spins round and holds up the bottle,  
  
“You want one?” he asks, and Phil nods and goes back to his chair beside Ethan.  
  
Phil helps Ethan tuck himself in and watches him pick up his sandwich, biting into the mushy, wet cucumbers and crunching down on his prawn cocktail crisps.  
  
“Here you go,” Dan says, setting down both boy’s cups first and then handing Phil a slightly taller glass of drink.  
  
Phil takes it, “Thanks,” he smiles, eyes fixated on the wedding ring that almost mocks in under bright kitchen lights.  
  
But his eyes flicker up towards Dan’s, his warm, inviting eyes that seem to swirl in all shades of golden brown.  
  
And despite the warm, inviting aura that they give off, Phil simply feels lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	7. Chapter 7

“Thanks again, Phil, for coming,” Dan smiles at the door as Phil slips his trainers back on over his feet, waiting for Ethan to pull his own on.  
  
They’d had lunch, let both boys watch the rest of their movie and play around for a bit, and the afternoon summer sun was rolling over the sky, and Phil had politely gathered up his son after not wanting to outstay their welcome and were about to head home.  
  
“Yeah, no, thanks for inviting us over,” Phil smiles back as Ethan stands up from an attempt at tying his shoelaces.  
  
“What do you say, Ethan? To Dan and Noah for letting you come over today?” Phil asks his son, placing a steady hand on his shoulder.  
  
Ethan grins up at Dan and at Noah who stands beside him,  
  
“Thank you, Dan!” he smiles, and then looks over at Noah and attempts something in sign.  
  
He must do it wrong, because Noah is giggling, and reaches forward with little hands to move his hands for him, and after a third attempt, he signs something more fluently and practiced, looking round at Phil with a proud smile once Noah seems to give a nod of approval.  
  
“That means thank-you!” Ethan tells Phil excitedly, and both Dan and Phil laugh at his enthusiasm.  
  
“That’s very clever,” Phil praises him, giving him a little affectionate squeeze of his shoulder, to which Ethan giggles loudly and squirms away.  
  
“Well, he’s always welcome to come back and learn some more,” Dan says, looking up from Ethan to Phil. “You’re both always welcome.”  
  
Phil feels his stomach flip inside his body; he’s not sure what that’s supposed to mean, if the fond look Dan has in his eyes right now are nothing but figments of Phil’s imagination, or if it means something – and if it does mean something, then what?

*

They wave goodbyes, and Phil has to almost drag his son away from the driveway when he stands and attempts to sign goodbye a hundred times until he gets it right, and when Phil looks back, Dan is stood smiling with his eyes crinkled and his smile wide.  
  
They say goodbye again, and Phil is pushing Ethan into the car where he starts it up and pulls out from Dan’s house towards home.  
  
“That was fun, huh?” Phil says after a few moments of silence; the radio is turned down and all that surrounds them is the sound of tires on road and the sound of cars driving past them.  
  
“Yeah,” Ethan says, twisting in his seat to face Phil, “can we go back sometime? Or maybe Noah could come over to ours?”  
  
Phil smiles, glancing over at him for a second before looking back at the road ahead.  
  
“Yeah? Well maybe we can sort something out. You like Noah then?”  
  
Ethan nods, “Uh huh. His dad is cool too, he let us have ice lollies for desert!”  
  
Phil scoffs a laugh, “He is pretty cool, huh?”  
  
Ethan nods, going quiet for a bit, and Phil goes to perhaps turn the radio up just a couple of notches for the rest of the ride home, but instead, Ethan pipes up again.  
  
“Why were you going into his room then?”  
  
Phil’s eyes go wide and he grips tightly onto the wheel, feeling his cheeks burn under his skin.  
  
“I wasn’t,” he lies.  
  
“You were.” Ethan sees straight through him. “You were spying!” he laughs.  
  
Phil looks round at him with a frown, “Yeah well, don’t tell Dan that. Same with Noah. I was just checking something out,” he tells him, clearing his throat.  
  
Ethan hums, smirking over at his dad, obviously not entirely convinced, when suddenly his eyes light up.  
  
“If I don’t tell them will you get us a pizza? With ice cream? Please!” he practically begs, and Phil takes the turn towards their home, shaking his head with a laugh.  
  
“My own son, blackmailing me,” he mutters.  
  
“What’s blackmailing?” Ethan asks just as Phil pulls up towards their apartment block, pulling into their parking space.  
  
“It means getting someone to do something because you have something over them,” Phil tells him as he pulls the key out the ignition.  
  
Ethan nods, unbuckling his belt.   
  
“And what does that mean?”  
  
Phil gets out the car, Ethan following behind him as he presses the lock button and makes the walk to the main door.  
  
“It’s like what you’re doing now,” Phil says, turning to raise a brow at him, but Ethan doesn’t get it still.  
  
Instead, they climb the stairs to their floor and walk the hallways to their door.  
  
“Is blackmailing a good thing?” Ethan asks suddenly once Phil has the key in the door, and he shrugs, pushing it open.  
  
“Depends.”  
  
“On what?”  
  
Phil slips his shoes off and Ethan copies, kicking them by the door.  
  
“On what you want. Are you gonna ask me anymore questions?” Phil teases as he makes his way to the kitchen with Ethan close behind. He has a grin on his face.  
  
“If I shut up will you get me pizza?” he smirks and Phil laughs.  
  
“You’re horrible, you know.”  
  
Ethan grins, looking pleased with himself. “I know.”  
  
*

“You have mum’s tomorrow by the way. You better pack a bag, you’ll be there for a couple of days.” Phil tells him, throwing down a pizza crust onto the box in front of him with a defeated sigh.  
  
Ethan just whines.  
  
“Oi,” Phil warns him, “don’t be mean about your mother. We talked about this before, yeah? You’ll enjoy yourself.”  
  
But Ethan just pouts, chewing sadly on his pizza slice.  
  
“I like it when it’s just us though,” he looks up at Phil with big sad eyes. They’re blue and green with specks of yellows. When he was born everyone had cooed over him about how he had his father’s eyes. He looked like Phil so much sometimes it was actually scary.  
  
“I know, me too. Think how I’ll feel when I’m alone. And think about how mum feels when she’s all alone too.” Phil tells him, brushing his auburn hair from out of his eyes.  
  
“Mum’s not alone. I reckon her friend Matt is actually her boyfriend you know.” Ethan pouts.  
  
Phil sighs. This is really a conversation for him to have with Natalie, especially he doesn’t know all too much about this Matt guy, only heard about him in passing conversations, but if Nat was considering getting serious with this guy, then maybe all three of them, or four, if Matt cared, would need to sit down and have a chat about family situations.  
  
“Matt isn’t gonna be there mate,” Phil assures him. “Mum told me she wanted to have a fun week with just the two of you.”  
  
Ethan looks up at him, “Really?”  
  
Phil nods, smiling, “Yeah. Just you and mum doing fun stuff. I think she wants to take you bowling and then Pizza Hut afterwards. It’s the summer holidays soon so she’ll have all the same time off as you do, and then you can have fun all summer.”  
  
Ethan smiles at this, and wriggles in his seat. “And you can come too?”  
  
Phil’s smile falters a little. He loves spending time with Ethan, and Natalie too, but family fun activities were the one thing they struggled with; they weren’t a normal family. Sometimes Natalie would get frustrated with Phil, or Phil wouldn’t know what to say to her and they didn’t want to be awkward in front of their son. At arm’s reach of each other they got along fine, but together it just didn’t work.   
  
It was one of the reasons they never tried to have a real relationship together. It wasn’t fair for anyone involved.  
  
“Maybe, buddy.” Phil says after a while, only because he doesn’t know what else to say.  
  
It seems enough for Ethan because he’s picking up another slice of pizza and taking a bite happily.   
  
*  
  
As soon as Natalie has opened the door, Ethan is already pushing past them both and breaking into run across her house and up her stairs to his room, leaving both adults stood at the door looking dumbfounded.  
  
“Well, guess he won’t be missing me this week,” Phil jokes, looking back at Natalie who swats his arm with a fond roll of her eyes, ushering him in.  
  
“How you been? Tea?” she asks whilst walking to the kitchen, Phil follows.  
  
“Good thanks, and uh, yeah, go on then,” he smiles, watching her fill her kettle up from the sink.  
  
“Good,” she hums. “Ethan alright?” she asks, looking round at him as she pulls two mugs down.  
  
Phil shrugs, his stomach twisting. He doesn’t know if it’s really a good idea to mention to her about what Ethan had said last night about coming here for the weekend, but he looks up at her face, soft and understanding, and he leans against the counter.  
  
“I think he was a bit, you know, iffy. About coming here today,” he says quietly. Natalie turns around, folding her arms over her chest with a frown.  
  
“Iffy?” she repeats. Phil nods.  
  
“Yeah, he – god, Nat, this is gonna make me sound like a dick but,” he glances back out the room to make sure Ethan isn’t lingering around anywhere for them to hear,  
  
“But he was talking about,” he pauses, “about Matt last night.”  
  
Natalie sighs at the mention of his name, and rubs her hand over her face, “Fuck. Really?”  
  
Phil nods. “Is everything alright?” he asks gently.  
  
Natalie pulls her hand away from her face to give Phil a warm smile, “Yeah, no, everything’s alright with him but – I’m just bad at this stuff, you know?”  
  
Phil isn’t sure he does know.  
  
“At what stuff?”  
  
She shakes her head, turning back around to continue on making the tea,  
  
“Things are,” she pauses for a while, “they’re complicated with Matt.” She says.  
  
“Oh?” is all Phil manages to say.  
  
“Yeah,” she laughs flatly, “that’s the right word for it.”  
  
Phil shifts on his feet awkwardly. “When did you say you met this guy?” he asks. He vaguely remembers her mentioning a guy she met a good couple of weeks ago, and Phil had thought of nothing of it – not until Ethan was mentioning him being at Nat’s when Ethan had been there.  
  
Phil didn’t have an issue with it; sure, he’d like to meet the guy that would be sleeping in the same house as his son every other weekend, but Phil trusted Natalie.   
  
“He’s great, Phil. Fucking brilliant. But the few times Ethan’s been here, he’s…” she trails off as she begins to stir the cup of tea. “I don’t know why Ethan doesn’t really like him. They’ve barely spent any time together.”  
  
Phil frowns at the back of her head. She sounds tired. She sounds a little bit sad.  
  
“Are you worried about having to pick and choose?” Phil asks her, and she turns around with a sad look on her face.  
  
“God, no. I choose Ethan any day, you know that right? You’d do the same, yeah?” she asks him, and Phil nods immediately. Of course he’d pick Ethan any day over anyone else. It was just second nature at this point.  
  
“So what are you worried about?” Phil asks as she hands over his hot mug of tea.  
  
She shrugs and tucks her hair behind her ear with a sigh. “I’m just worried I’m doing a shitty job. If my own child doesn’t wanna come see me anymore because he doesn’t like his mother’s perhaps boyfriend then am I doing a bad job?”  
  
Her eyes look right into Phil’s, full of an uncertainty that is all too familiar. It reminds him of when they were just a couple twenty three year olds scared and confused about the possibility of a baby in their lives now.  
  
But Phil just smiles, sets his mug down and closes the gap between them with a few strides and wraps her into a tight hug.   
  
“You’re not doing a shitty job. You’re brilliant, you know that? Ethan loves the heck out of you, and you just need to sit down and explain it to him. You’re not shit, okay? You’re not the one who let him have dominos last night.”  
  
With that, Natalie pushes Phil away with a loud gasp, and Phil laughs when he sees her shocked expression.   
  
“Domino’s? Phil Lester I will murder you.” she tells him through gritted teeth, but Phil continues to laugh as he turns and goes back to his tea.  
  
Just then, Ethan comes into the room.  
  
“Hey chicken,” Natalie smiles at him, and Ethan goes over to her and buries her head in her tummy. Phil watches her smile stretch over her face happily as he ruffles his hair with one hand.  
  
“You okay?” she asks, and Ethan nods against her, wrapping his little arms around her leg.  
  
Phil looks up at Nat, her eyes shimmering and she smiles over at him as Phil takes a sip of his tea.  
  
“How was dad’s? Good? I heard he caved and got you pizza,” she smiles down at him as he pulls away.  
  
He nods up at her, “Uh huh. But that was only because it was blacked mail.”  
  
Natalie frowns down at him, confused and then back at Phil.  
  
“Blackmail,” Phil says, correcting him before he even realises what he’s saying.  
  
“Blackmail?” Natalie repeats and Ethan nods.  
  
“Yeah. Dad was sneaking around in Dan’s room and I caught him so he got me a pizza to shut me up.”  
  
Phil looks sheepishly at Natalie, who has a mixture of confusion and slight anger written across her face.  
  
“It sounds a lot worse than he’s making out,” Phil tells her, sipping his tea again, longer this time.  
  
Natalie hums, taking her own tea and taking a particularly long sip, eyeing Phil at the same time.  
  
With that, Ethan takes off again, heading back to his room to probably play with his toys or watch some tv, leaving Phil and Natalie alone again.  
  
She stares him out for a while until he splutters a laugh,  
  
“What? I’m weak, I’m sorry!”  
  
She shakes her head, but Phil doesn’t miss the way her lips twitch just a little bit.  
  
“I’ll forgive you about the takeaway if you tell me about who the hell Dan is and why you’re snooping around his bedroom,” she says, setting down her mug.  
  
“Now who’s the one blackmailing others? You really aren’t setting a good example, Nat.” Phil teases.  
  
“Phil.”  
  
“Alright. He’s just a dad from the swimming lessons. Ethan’s friends with his son and he got invited over yesterday for lunch, and when I took Ethan upstairs to the toilet, his bedroom door may or may not have been open just a little, and I might have perhaps taken a cheeky little look inside.”  
  
Natalie quirks her eyebrow, “And I’m guessing that, Dan, is it? Is maybe, perhaps a little bit attractive?”  
  
Phil feels his ears burn and he clears his throat, “Maybe.”  
  
Natalie smirks into her tea. “You dog, Phil Lester.”  
  
“Hey,” Phil says, “it was harmless. He didn’t catch me. Thank God. And besides, he might just happen to be married. That’s why I was looking around. Evidence,” he says, tapping the side of his head with his finger, making Natalie laugh loud.  
  
“Oh yeah,” she says sarcastically, “don’t let me get in the way of your investigation, Detective Phil,” she laughs with a wink.  
  
“Whatever,” Phil mutters into his mug as he takes another sip.  
  
“So you think he’s married?” she asks after a long moment of silence, and Phil shrugs.  
  
“Could be.”  
  
“What makes you think he is?” she asks.  
  
“Wedding ring,” Phil says sadly, just those two words already making him feel sad again.  
  
“And what’s perhaps making you think he’s not married?” she asks.  
  
There’s lots of factoring reasons as to why Dan might not actually be married, or at least, not married _anymore._  
  
“No mention of them. No photo’s in the house,” he tells her, “also, I think he was flirting with me but I can’t really be sure,” he frowns.  
  
Natalie laughs again, but it’s not a mean laugh, it’s light hearted and genuine.  
  
“Still got it then?” she teases.  
  
“Apparently so. Not that it’s helping me in anyway, mind you,” he says sadly.  
  
Natalie pouts at him from across where they stand. “Oh, don’t feel so bad Philly,” she coos, “next time you see Mr Attractive, which, by the way, I wanna see a pic of this guy,” she tells him, “then just casually ask him. You know, something like ‘so what does your wife do?’ And when he turns around and tells you he murdered her four years ago and buried her under the floorboards then you know it’s time to fuck off out of there.”  
  
Phil snorts a laugh. “You’re crazy, you know that?”  
  
Natalie smiles proudly, and it reminds him strongly of Ethan. “I know.”  
  
*  
  
Phil says his goodbye’s once his tea is finished, and Ethan clings on for a little too long at the door, but he manages to pry him off with a promise that he’ll be back to come collect him Wednesday night and whispers to Natalie that she’ll be fine, and to just talk to him.  
  
And with that Phil leaves and heads home alone.  
  
The flat is empty, and despite the building June heat, a little cold. It’s eerily silent with Ethan chattering away at him, or the tv blaring out some obnoxious kids theme song to some terrible show.  
  
So Phil makes his way to his fridge and pulls out a half empty bottle of cheap white wine and pours himself a sad glass for himself.  
  
He flops down on the couch, not even bothering to reach for the remote and pretend to watch something, so he grabs his phone from his pocket and unlocks it.  
  
He doesn’t have any missed calls or texts, not even any from Jimmy. He looks at the last two he’d sent, one for Natalie telling her they’d be over soon, and one for Dan, thanking him again just after they’d left yesterday.  
  
His thumb hovers over Dan’s name, compensating if he should just text him a casual _hey_. But he stops himself with a shake of his head. He’s not even drunk yet. A couple of sips of wine would never justify texting Dan on a Sunday evening for no good reason other than wanting to just talk to him.  
  
So he downs the first glass, and then the second, and he’s halfway through his third when he opens up the tinder app. The three unread messages still sit there from last week, and he blinks down at them blearily. He opens the first one, uncaring, to see it’s from an attractive looking man, named Ryan, he thinks. He can’t really see all too well now that it’s getting dark outside and he’s thrown his glasses off somewhere else.  
  
He blinks once more at his screen and reads the message.  
  
**Ryan:** _Hi, I hope this is alright to say but I saw your profile and thought I just had to message you. This might come across a little forward but, I really liked your profile, and whilst this app may be crawling with weirdo’s and creeps, I’d much like to prove to you that I am not one of those people. I’d like get to know you, take you out sometime if that’s what you’re looking for. I’m looking for something fairly serious, and I saw that you were too. If you’d like to get together sometime then let me know. It’d be my pleasure. Thanks – R x  
  
_ Phil blinks again at the paragraph, a little taken back.   
  
“Jesus,” he mutters under his breath. This Ryan guy, from what Phil can tell from his profile, has nice pushed back brown hair and dark eyes with a dazzling smile with a perfect set of teeth. He likes swimming and rock-climbing and seem’s to have a body of an angel.  
  
Phil thinks about messaging him, maybe asking him to come over, now. But Phil doesn’t feel like he could do that to someone. Tonight, he just wants something meaningless.  
  
So he exists out of Mr Perfect’s profile and goes onto the second message down. This one is far from Ryan’s sweet message. But right now, Phil doesn’t care. He’s lonely and he’s bored and he doesn’t have anything else to do tonight. Might as well enjoy the last of his weekend whilst he still can.  
  
So he jabs his thumb against the screen and sends over a message without looking twice.  
  
**Phil:** _if ur still interested let me know where and when, thanks  
_  
And that’s how Phil ends up where he is now. On his bed naked and sprawled out as, _Eric? Is it Eric?_  rolls off of him with a grunt, and before Phil can even get his breath back, Eric is already pulling his giant body off the bed and searching for his clothes.  
  
“You’re leaving?” Phil asks, his voice is wrecked and his chest heaves still. He’s not even sure why he asked. He knew this would happen.  
  
Eric grunts, pulling up a sock over his foot, his bare ass on Phil’s sheets still. “Unless you wanna go for round two mate, but I gotta go.” He turns to Phil and gives him a sly grin.  
  
It isn’t exactly pleasant, nor attractive, so Phil just curls up and pretends to yawn, “Uh, no,” he smiles, “You should probably just go.”  
  
Eric doesn’t seem to care, and once he’s dressed and taken the rest of Phil’s condoms (Phil doesn’t care, he won’t be needing them for long anyways) he says a blunt goodbye and leaves before Phil even has a chance to get out of bed.  
  
Phil lays there, still as naked as the day he was born and listens out for the steady quietness that seeps back into the apartment now that he's alone. His skin feels sticky and tacky, and his body begins to ache, but he makes no effort to get up and move.  
  
He always feels like this after a hook up. Always stuck laying here for a good couple hours, usually until he gets up and showers or falls asleep like this, but it’s always in the middle of feeling good and feeling sad.  
  
Good, because it’s like itching a scratch. Good because the sex is nice and he gets to feel happy just for a little while, even if it’s not the healthiest of ways of doing it. And sad because he’s always left alone right after. There’s only been the handful of people that stay until morning, usually only because they fall asleep afterwards or because they’re too lazy to go home.  
  
But right now Phil doesn’t let himself fall down the rabbit hole that is the crushing loneliness that he masks with sex with strangers and sad glasses of wine for one.  
  
Instead, he pulls the covers over his naked body, the sheets smelling like ass and a mixture of other questionable bodily fluids that make his nose scrunch up, and closes his eyes and tries not to think about it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	8. Chapter 8

Phil arrives into work the next morning feeling groggy and tired, despite sleeping most the night. It seeps into his heavy bones and he’s not even sure his usual morning coffee will be able to shake the dragging sleepiness that clings to his skin. But nonetheless, Jimmy brings him his coffee, a little stronger than usual, in his favourite mug with a sympathetic smile.  
  
“I’d take the piss a bit but I’m sure hungover, sad Phil will bite my head off for it,” Jimmy says as Phil takes the mug to his lips and drinks down the hot liquid.  
  
Phi hums, “You’d be right about that,” he mutters.  
  
Jimmy puts the coffee jar back in the cupboard and turns back to Phil.  
  
“So, you got drunk yesterday. Not to pry, because again – you’ll actually murder me if I piss you off right now, but can I assume that perhaps someone was there to get drunk with you?” he asks sheepishly, almost like treading on eggshells. Phil rolls his eyes and sets his mug back down.  
  
“Are you implying that I had a drunken one night stand last night, James?”  
  
Jimmy smiles. “Are you implying that I’m right?”  
  
Phil blushes, all too giving.  
  
“Philip Lester. What would your mother say?” he squeals, but Phil just frowns at him, head still thudding a little. Jimmy shoots him a little sorry.  
  
“She’d say nothing because unlike you, she’s not a perv that asks about my sex life every bloody second of the day,” Phil says with a shake of his head.  
  
Jimmy laughs. “I’ll remind her then when I’m next on the phone to dear old Kath,” he jokes, and Phil actually laughs at that.  
  
“Don’t call my mother old. And shit,” he remembers suddenly. “I’m supposed to be booking bloody Isle of Man for a weekend soon. Remind me, Jim,” Phil tells him, his voice a little more serious this time and Jimmy nods.  
  
A comfortable moment of silence stretches out between them as they stand in the break room, watching the rest of the office work away, when Jimmy speaks up again.  
  
“So…” he says, rocking on his feet.   
  
Phil looks back at him with a roll of his eyes.  
  
“Fine,” Phil say with a huff. “Go ahead and ask,” he says reluctantly, and Jimmy smiles so wide he looks like he could burst.  
  
“Him or her?”  
  
“Him,” Phil tells him.  
  
“Yours or his?”  
  
“Mine. Always mine, Jim, you know that mate.”  
  
Jimmy nods in understanding, “Fair enough.”  
  
“Tinder or bar?” he asks and Phil snorts a loud laugh.  
  
“Bar.”   
  
Jimmy gives him a shocked look before Phil laughs again, “Obviously Tinder you nutter.”  
  
Jimmy laughs back.  
  
“Okay, top or bottom?” he grins and Phil just tuts as he takes a sip of his coffee,  
  
Jimmy waits, rocking on his feet still, when Phil looks up at him over his mug.  
  
“Bottom.”  
  
Jimmy raises his brows in amusement. “Nice.”  
  
Phil rolls his eyes again.  
  
“Was he a right dad? A hunk? Oh wait no, was he actually cute?” Jimmy asks, clearly too excited and Phil has to swat him on the arm to get him to calm himself.  
  
“No. No and – “ he pauses to mask his smirk with another sip of his coffee. “Not my type if I’m being honest,” he says quietly.  
  
“Oh but you’d shag him though,” Jimmy teases.  
  
Phil acts hurt, “Only because I was completely wine drunk,” he says.  
  
Jimmy doesn’t look entirely convinced but nods anyways.   
  
“So it wasn’t swim guy then? That’s off my guess list,” Jimmy asks and Phil’s eyes widen.  
  
“No! Of course it wasn’t swim guy, why would it be swim – his name is Dan, Jimmy. He has a name.”  
  
Jimmy laughs again. “So wasn’t Dan then?”  
  
Phil scolds at him. “No. I saw him Saturday and that was it”  
  
Jimmy’s bright eyes go wide, “You saw him Saturday?”  
  
“Play date,” Phil answers him with another sip of his coffee. It’s cooled down a little now.  
  
“You think you’ll actually like, I dunno, hang out for reals sometime?” Jimmy asks, kicking his shoe against the plastic floor. Phil looks down to watch it for a second, and when he stops he looks back up at him and shrugs.  
  
“Dunno. It’s complicated.”  
  
Before either of them can continue, their boss walks past the door, looking at them with a knowing look and they both disperse back to their desks with muttered bye’s.  
  
Phil gets back to his desk and holds his head in his hands. Just talking about Dan, even for a couple of moments has already got his tummy in twists. It could just be last night’s insane amount of wine sloshing around in there, but right now he feels its only appropriate to blame it on Dan.  
  
He works slowly, makes a few mistakes and finds he doesn’t have the energy to care right now. Come lunch he’s ready to go home and curl up in bed and sleep the night away; no Ethan to care for means maybe he’ll have something grossly unhealthy for dinner delivered to his door and he’ll eat until he passes out.  
  
He sits back in his chair and pulls his lunch out of his bag that he reluctantly prepared earlier before work and unlocks his phone.  
  
He’d think he’s still drunk if he wasn’t able to get out of bed this morning because of what he’s reading on his phone.  
  
It’s a text from Dan.  
  
**dan:** _hi phil hope you’re doing okay. thanks again for coming over on saturday. me and noah really enjoyed ourselves and i hope you and ethan did too. i hope this isn’t too forward but if you’re free right now i was wondering if i could save your poor soul and indulge you in some real coffee? not that instant crap you like haha so let me know if you’re up for one!_

Phil’s first thought should be that he said ‘me and Noah’ rather than ‘Noah and I’ but his brain seems to short circuit and explode at the same time at the mere thought that Dan’s asking him to _hang out_.   
  
He checks the time. He has an hour.   
  
**phil:** _starbucks? i promise i’m not too much of a coffee phleb because i do enjoy a good corperate drink :)_

His hands shake and his heart beats heavily against his chest and he wants to throw his stupid boring tuna sandwhich in the air when he gets a text back almost immediately.

 **dan:** _oh thank god! meet me there in two mins?_   
  
And Phil is already up off his chair and throwing his bag over his shoulder, lunch forgotten and sad on his desk.  
  
Jimmy looks up from his desk in confusion, but without wanting to waste any time, he waves at him and calls across the room,  
  
“I’ll text you.”  
  
*  
  
Phil arrives at the Starbucks that they’d arranged to meet and his heart is still thudding loudly in his ears. His palms sweat and he has to repeatedly wipe them across the thigh of his trousers.  
  
He reaches the door and his breath hitches in his chest when he sees Dan stood at the counter taking two tall cups in his hands and Phil stands outside for just a second before pushing the heavy door open and walking in.  
  
Dan sees him just as he turns away from the counter and his face almost immediately lights up.  
  
“Hey! You made it,” he smiles, and Phil’s mouth runs dry so he swallows and smiles back.  
  
“Course.”  
  
He notices the cups in Dan’s hands and his heart continues to beat faster. Is Dan here with someone?  
  
“Should I order and you go sit down?” Phil offers, ignoring how shaky his voice has suddenly gone, and Dan frowns at him.  
  
“No, this – this is yours,” he says, handing Phil the cup.

Phil takes it and he swears his ears are ringing with all the blood that’s being pumped fast around his weak body.  
  
“Thanks,” he says and Dan nods and walks towards a table and Phil just follows.  
  
When they sit down Dan leans forward just a little over the table; they’re tucked away in the corner of the room which drabbles of people sit at their own seats, coming and going.  
  
“I just thought I should thank you for Saturday,” Dan says across the table.  
  
Phil doesn’t know what to say, so he twists his paper cup in his hands and stares down at where the steam flows out from the top and he shrugs with a small laugh,  
  
“It was no trouble, really. Ethan really enjoyed himself,” he says, finding the courage to look back up at Dan, which is a mistake because the way he looks causes his breath to catch in his throat.  
  
His curls look unbelievably soft, and the way he smiles over at him his eyes crinkle in the corners and his dimple is popping.   
  
“Well, it might seem like no trouble but it meant a lot to me, Phil,” Dan tells him in a thick voice, “Noah – he’s always had a little difficulty finding friends, and moving to a whole new place has been hard for him,” he looks away down into his cup and his shoulders heave with a deep heavy breath,  
  
“It’s been hard for both of us but,” he pauses to look back at Phil again, smile bright as ever, eyes positively glistening against the bright Starbuck’s light. “Having a good friend like you – like Ethan, has been really good. So, thanks,” he mumbles the last part and takes a quick sip of his drink, almost embarrassed.  
  
Phil chuckles softly, feeling a fond feeling seem to creep up in his chest as he looks over at where Dan blushes into his coffee cup.  
  
“Well if your way of saying thanks is a coffee then that’s good enough for me, Dan.” He tells him softly as he picks up his cup. Just then Dan sets down his cup quickly and swallows down his drink quickly.  
  
“Actually, I – well, I didn’t know what to get you other than just coffee,” Dan says tilting his head a little, “So, uh, I got you a caramel macchiato,” his voice goes a little high at the end, almost unsure if Phil will like it.  
  
But Phil just grins wider than he ever has.  
  
“Caramel macchiato is my favourite,” Phil laughs, and Dan still’s for a moment, before laughing too.  
  
“I haven’t had one in, like, forever,” Phil shakes his head in disbelief. The last time he’d had one was probably back in Manchester. That was lifetimes ago though.  
  
“They’re my favourite too,” Dan smiles warmly, picking his cup up again in his hands. “That’s why I got it.”  
  
“So you work far from here, or…” Dan asks after a while, trailing off for Phil to answer, when he shakes his head.  
  
“Not too far, no. What about you? Where is it you work?” Phil asks. Last time he’d tried to ask Dan about anything as remotely as personal as his work he hadn’t gotten an answer, but this time Dan seems to perk up in his seat at the mention of it.  
  
“I work in a children’s center not too far from here actually. I’ve started coming in here a lot before work,” Dan says with a nod, his tongue darts out to quickly lick his lips.

“Yeah, it’s pretty useful living in a place where coffee shops seem to be around every corner, huh?” Phil laughs softly, and Dan grins.  
  
“It is. You go out much? At work, I mean. Like for lunch?”   
  
Phil shifts in his seat. He’s not going to lie and tell Dan he’s some social work office guy that spends time with his colleagues; but at the same time sitting at his desk alone with a sad ham sandwich every day might sound a bit sad.   
  
Phil shrugs, “Not a lot. I have one good friend at work, Jimmy, we usually just eat at the office.” Phil says, voice a little strained at the white lie he’s had to tell.  
  
Technically it’s not a lie. There had been times where Phil’s and Jimmy’s lunch times would cross over and they’d spend the hour at each other’s desks, annoying one another in a teasing manner. But most the time it was a lonely sixty minutes of Phil by himself.  
  
Dan nods and takes a sip of his drink. Phil copies.   
  
“I haven’t managed to make any new friends yet at my place,” Dan says setting the cup back down on the table, using the back of his hand to swipe at his lip.  
  
“It’ll take time, that’s all,” is the advice Phil offers him. It’s his own mother’s words when Phil had been nervously rambling down the phone to her about taking the job in a big new city so far away from home. He remembered scoffing at the idea, rendering it useless. But even if Jimmy was just one friend, it was still true.  
  
Dan seems to think the same, and chuckles bitterly, looking down into his cup, sloshing it around smoothly before looking back up at Phil with a sideways grin.  
  
“Not for me mate. I’m bad at that stuff, making friends that is,” he barks a short laugh.  
  
“Not all true,” Phil says softly, “you made friends with me.”  
  
Dan smiles warmly at him. “True. Although, you did open up the conversation with something about drowning, if I do recall,” Dan smirks with a raise of his brow.  
  
Phil laughs, leaning back in his chair with a wave of comfort and confidence, “I did say something like that, didn’t I?”  
  
Dan nods with a laugh, “Uh huh, and I do remember you saying something about always embarrassing yourself?” Dan teases again, and something about it feels like flirting.  
  
“That I will admit to,” Phil jokes back.  
  
Dan shakes his head, “Well, Phil, I’m still to see that of you. So far you’ve been nothing but smooth.”  
  
That definitely feels like flirting. Definitely feels like a little more than light banter. Something between teasing and being a little playful, and despite anything, it makes Phil go warm all over.   
  
It’s the good kind; the kind that you get when standing under a warm shower, or when it rains in summer. It’s the feeling of being affectionate with someone that’s not just saying those things to you to get you into bed. It feels real.  
  
Phil decides to be brave, “You’ll just have to stick around and see then, hm?”  
  
Dan’s eyebrow quirks up for a second, looking perhaps a little stunned to see him return the banter, but he giggles again and nods in agreement. “I guess I will, huh?”  
  
It’s nothing but a little teasing, just for fun. But it makes his face stretch into a silly smile.  
  
Phil picks his cup up, feeling the way it radiates warmth against the palms of his hands as he brings it to his lips and smells the familiar sweet smell. He sips on it, letting the hot liquid slip down the throat with ease and looks over the table where Dan does the same.   
  
The way his lips curve over the rim of the cup and how dark his eyes look when he looks down at the cup. Phil’s eyes trail over at where Dan’s large hands seem to wrap around the cup, engulfing it entirely.  
  
And that’s when he suddenly chokes.  
  
He pulls the cup away from his lips and lets out a splutter. Dan sets his own drink down rather quickly, eyes wide with a mixture of shock and confusion.  
  
His hands are flat against the table, and Phil can’t pull his eyes away from them as he slaps his hand against his chest in an attempt to get some air into his lungs.  
  
He’s not wearing his wedding ring.  
  
“Jesus, Phil, you okay?” Dan asks once Phil’s managed to stop choking on his macchiato and gives a weak smile and clears his throat.  
  
“Yeah, no I just – it’s hot.”  
  
It’s a lie, but Dan seems to believe it with a relaxed smile, now that he knows Phil isn’t in any real danger and gives a little breathy laugh, picking up his cup again, and Phil can’t stop staring.  
  
“Yeah, be careful there mate. I’m not any good at cpr,” he jokes but Phil just fake laughs back because he’s not listening. Because he’s too busy staring at the bare finger that rests on the cup in front of him.  
  
Phil would have perhaps thought he’d imagined a wedding ring before if there wasn’t the obvious indication that there had been one there had it not been for the little indent that showed against Dan’s finger.  
  
Suddenly, Dan is covering his hand with his other hand and Phil looks up quickly at Dan, afraid he’d been caught out.  
  
Dan’s eyes are cast down, right where Phil had been staring and Phil feels his whole face burn hot, and it’s not because of the coffee.  
  
He’s not sure what to say so he just sits there, together in a suspended silence.  
  
Phil had seen his wedding ring removed, Dan had caught him looking and now Dan was acting strange about it.  
  
Suddenly, after what feels like years of awkward silence, Dan clears his throat.  
  
“I take it off sometimes,” he says quietly. Phil musters up the courage to look him in the eyes.  
  
They look sad. Unsure. Almost fearful. Phil hates that.  
  
“I’m not – I don’t…” Dan trips over his words and his rubs his hand over his fingers again.  
  
Phil says nothing still.   
  
“I’m not married.” Dan tells him finally. “I should tell you that. I don’t have some secret spouse locked away, by the way,” he tries to joke but his voice is shaky.  
  
Phil just nods, brain completely blank of what to say. He nods again.  
  
“It’s,” Dan looks away from Phil and back down again, “it’s just complicated right now,” his voice is small and so far away. So far away than how it’d been just moments ago.  
  
Phil swallows thickly. “It’s okay. You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want. It’s alright.”  
  
But Phil desperately wants to know. He wants to be nosey and know what’s going on with Dan. He wants him to just spill it all right here in the corner of this busy Starbucks on a Monday lunch time and just settle the butterflies that have been squirming in his stomach since he met him. Settle the mystery behind handsome, funny, brilliant Dan, once and for all.  
  
But he doesn’t ask. He doesn’t pry. Instead, he sits their quietly and patiently as the silence begins to stretch out between them.  
  
Dan looks back up again, his eyes look wet but he doesn’t cry, or, at least, he’s trying his hardest not to. He instead nods and smiles.   
  
“So are you –“ Phil goes to say. Divorced, is the word that sits on the tip of his tongue. Fuck being patient. Single is the second. But Dan doesn’t give him the chance to finish that sentence and Phil wishes he’d really held his tongue after all.  
  
“I should really get going, back to work that is,” Dan say quickly, his voice sounds sad and tired and Phil doesn’t know what to do.  
  
“Okay,” Phil says, trying to mask his disappointment. “Okay, yeah.”  
  
Dan stands up, the chair scraping against wooden floor underneath him.  
  
“Thanks again, Phil. It really means a lot to have a –“ he pauses looking as if he’d caught his breath in his throat for a second, “a friend here to, you know,” he shrugs, but Phil just blinks up at him.  
  
“To be there.” Dan finishes in a voice that’s barely above a whisper.  
  
Phil smiles, a little weakly but it’s there. “Yeah,” he says, “no problem.”  
  
Dan nods, gives a little sniff and says bye and walks away. He leaves his drink, and Phil behind.  
  
Phil doesn’t even want his anymore. The thought of any sugar right now is enough to make his stomach churn. He looks around at the Starbucks that seems to continue on functioning, unaware of what had just happened in this little corner.  
  
Phil sits alone, feeling completely dumbfounded at the whole situation.  
  
Dan wasn’t married. He wore a wedding ring, but today to meet Phil, he didn’t. Nothing makes sense.   
  
Phil pushes his cup away from him and grabs his phone out his trouser pocket and unlocks it.

There’s already a text from Dan, causing his heart to pound against his chest and his belly to twist up inside him.  
  
He reads it,  
  
**dan:** _sorry for being weird and taking off like that im bad at stuff like that (lol ironic for a counsellor right hah) anyways thanks for meeting up today, maybe we can get together again sometime? for noah and ethan and us too? maybe if u want idk let me know. sorry again :(_

The sad little face at the end of the text seems to tug on his heart and he quickly types back a reply.  
  
**phil:** _don’t worry!! you weren’t weird at all :) it’s always hard moving to a new city so if you need any help with anything then always feel free to come talk to me! and we definitely do something soon for the kids. would be good to see you again too (even though you just left lol) maybe friday?_  
  
His heart thuds so hard against his chest that he fears it’ll burst out. His stomach feels so queasy but he calms it with a few deep breaths and waits for the buzz of his phone again.  
  
When it comes through he almost jumps out of his skin.  
  
**dan:** _thank u phil. friday sounds good, see you at swimming?_  
  
Phil smiles a little. Everything feels so unsure still, and Dan telling him he’s not married doesn’t seem to clear an awful lot unlike Phil had been expecting, but maybe Dan would explain a little more on Friday. Maybe Dan wouldn’t, but maybe he could figure something out, make it just a tiny bit clearer.  
  
He types back another text with a smile, feeling slightly more optimistic than he was a few moments ago.  
  
**phil:** _it’s a date. see you friday :)  
  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	9. Chapter 9

When Phil picks Ethan up on Wednesday from school as promised, it’s raining. He does a little half jog from the car to where he knows his son’s classroom is to see Natalie stood at her door, ushering him in quickly from the downpour that hails from above him.  
  
He runs a hand through his damp hair, his quiff now flopping over his forehead as he smiles at Natalie who shuts the door behind him.  
  
“Cheers,” he thanks her breathlessly, “Sorry I’m late, did you get my –“  
  
“Text,” Natalie finishes for him with a small smile, “yeah I did.”  
  
Phil just nods and little droplets of water fall from his hair, rolling down his skin and off onto the floor.  
  
“Ethan is just in the reading room, I need to get some stuff together before I leave but you can go now if you want,” she tells him and turns back to her desk to busy herself.  
  
Phil shoves his hands into his wet trouser pockets, unmoving. “How did things go then?” he asks quietly, and Natalie looks round at him, her hair swishing over her shoulder as she does so.  
  
“With Matt, I mean.” Phil adds, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.  
  
Her expression seems to relax a little and she lets out a little breathy laugh and tucks her hair behind her ear.  
  
“Yeah, it was – Matt came over for dinner. It went really well,” she says with a happy smile on her face. Phil’s heart swells.  
  
“Yeah? Did you talk to Ethan about it? Matt?”  


Natalie nods and leans back on her desk. “Yeah, we had a little chat and he seemed okay. Matt put up a little paddling pool outside in the garden for him but,” she pauses to look behind Phil where the rain continues to pour outside, a million little droplets rolling down the glass of the door.  
  
“The rain, sucks huh?” Phil glances over his shoulder and then back at Natalie who ducks her head down with a chuckle.  
  
“Typical English weather,” Natalie says. Phil nods in agreement.  
  
A moment of silence stretches out between them before Phil pulls his hands from his pockets and stands up a little straighter,  
  
“Suppose I should go get the little guy. He won’t be wanting too long,” Phil chuckles, and Natalie waves him in the direction of where Ethan waits in his empty classroom.  
  
When he enters the room, he’s met with an unfamiliar scene. Ethan sits at a desk with his head buried where his arms are crossed over the table. He doesn’t even lift his head when Phil comes in.  
  
He awkwardly clears his throat, careful not to startle him, but Ethan doesn’t even stir.  
  
“You okay buddy?” Phil says, crossing the room to meet him, wondering if he’s perhaps managed to fall asleep. But when Phil gets to his desk, he lifts his head just a little to look up at Phil with his bog blue eyes, his mouth drawn tight into a frown.  
  
Phil frowns back, and runs a hand through his hair. “Hey,” he speaks softly, “what’s wrong?”  
  
Ethan huffs and pulls himself up off his chair, picking up his bookbag up off the floor. “I’m fine,” he grunts, and walks past Phil towards the door, leaving the room before Phil can even get another word out of him.  
  
The car ride home is uncharacteristically silent, and as much as Phil tries to edge any means of conversation out of him, seeing his usually bubbly, upbeat son so quiet and miserable twists his stomach up and makes him feel queasy.  
  
The arrive back home, and Ethan tells him he’s going to his room to change out of his uniform and Phil just smiles at him and watches him disappear into his room.  
  
He texts Natalie almost immediately once he hears the sound of a door shutting.  
  
**phil:** _was ethan okay? he’s acting really weird and quiet :/_

It doesn’t take long for a reply to come back through.  
  
**natalie:** _he seemed fine this morning? he was his usual self at mine? have you talked to him?  
_  
Phil flops down on his couch with a sigh.

 **phil:** _tried to but can’t seem to get a word out of him. did he say anything about matt?_

It seems like the logical reason as to his child’s weird behavior. But surely, Natalie would have told him about it earlier today at school when they’d briefly bought it up. His phone pings again and he looks down at her reply.  
  
**natalie:** _like i said, it_ _went really well! he seemed okay about it all?_

It doesn’t exactly help the situation then; that Phil can’t blame this on poor Matt, so he types out a quick reply,

 **phil:** _strange, i’ll talk to him over dinner and let you know_

A few moments later, Natalie replies back.  
  
**natalie:** _cheers, phil x_  
  
He throws his phone to the side, letting it land softly against the sofa cushion and makes his way to Ethan’s room.  
  
He knocks on the door, waits a while before hearing a muffled voice on the other side and cracks it open.  
  
Ethan is sat on his bed, already clad in his pajamas, twiddling what looks like an action figure in his hands, not bothering to look up.  
  
“Hey,” Phil starts, and when Ethan does look up at Phil stood in the doorway is when Phil realises he’s not really sure what he’s going to say. He swallows thickly and crosses the room to sit beside his son on the bed, it dipping under his weight.  
  
“Good day at school?” he tries. Ethan shrugs, looking down at the little figure in his hands, twisting and turning the arms.  
  
“You enjoyed yourself at mum’s?” Phil asks, and Ethan just nods.  
  
They sit in a silence for a while whilst Phil tries desperately to come up with something to say to his clearly upset child.   
  
“You lost your tongue in there, mate? Loose a fight to a bunch of cats?”  
  
Ethan looks up at Phil, and for a moment he thinks he’s pushed the line of teasing, but Ethan actually grins, and laughs and then shakes his head with another small laugh.  
  
“No,” he croaks.  
  
Phil sighs a little sigh of relief. He’d gotten him to say something at least.  
  
“Okay,” Phil nods, “then you wanna tell me what’s bothering you?” he says. Ethan looks away again with a frown.  
  
Ethan’s shoulders slump forward and he lets out a sigh far too heavy to be belonging to an eight year old.  
  
“Do you ever…” Ethan starts off with a small voice, fixated on the toy still, “Do you ever have really mean people at where you work, and you have to like, ignore them, because that’s what you’re supposed to do? Even though you really wanna just, I dunno, smack them one or tell them otherwise?”  
  
Phil swallows thickly, looking down at where his tiny child sits beside him, and the urge to just pull him close to him and squeeze him is strong, but he knows he should resist, and say something.  
  
“Sometimes. Sometimes someone at work will be a right idiot, and I’ll have to remind myself not to say anything,” Phil says, and Ethan hums.  
  
“Otherwise you’ll get like, fired or something,” Ethan adds.  
  
Phil gives a little laugh, “Something along those lines, yeah.” He pauses for a moment, “Why? Are these kind of people at your school?” Phil asks in a soft voice.  
  
When Ethan doesn’t say anything, Phil wraps an arm around his little shoulders and pulls him a bit closer to him.  
  
“Ethan, if someone is bothering you at school, although sometimes it’s difficult, you should tell someone. Like me. You can tell me.”  
  
Phil looks down at the top of his son’s head where it’s ducked down. Ethan says nothing again.  
  
“Hey,” Phil says in a voice that’s just above a whisper, pulling him to his side. “I love you, you know? And whatever it is that’s upset you like this, I’m not gonna let it slide.” Phil assures him.   
  
“I’ll do whatever I can to help you,” Phil says, “but in order for that to happen, you have to let me in just a little.”  
  
Ethan sniffs and it tugs hard at Phil’s thought of his son being reduced to tears over something Phil had no idea about, but Ethan finally tilts his head up to look at Phil; his eyes round and swimming with tears.  
  
“I..” he sniffs again, wiping the underneath of his nose with the back of his hand messily.  
  
“I showed some of my friends at school what Noah taught me,” Ethan speaks in a wobbly voice, and just from that first sentence, Phil isn’t sure he’s going to like the rest.  
  
“I showed them the sign language. You know how he taught me how to say my name?” he looks up at Phil expectantly Phil nods and hums.  
  
“Yeah, of course. You’re really good at it,” Phil speaks, and Ethan nods and hangs his head again.  
  
“Well, I told them what it was, and who Noah was and all about sign language and,” he stops just as he hiccups, and Phil takes it as a cue to rub his back soothingly.  
  
“And they laughed and said it was stupid and they’re my _friends_ , so I…”  
  
He looks up at Phil, almost shamefully, and looks away again, dropping the toy to the floor with a soft thud.  
  
“So I laughed with them. I made fun of someone behind their back just because everyone else was. And even though Noah doesn’t know, it still hurt me to know I did those things just because everyone else was.”  
  
He’s properly crying now, and Phil wastes no time pulling him so his face is smooshed against Phil’s side, his tears soaking through his shirt.  
  
Phil soothes him with a hand on his back, “Hey now,” he speaks softly, “come on little one.”  
  
Ethan sniffles and just buries his head against Phil’s side and Phil just holds him, like any protective parent would.  
  
“Hey,” Phil speaks again once his cries have reduced. “How about we get some food, hm?”  
  
Ethan pulls away with wet cheeks and a quivering lip. He nods nonetheless.  
  
*  
  
Twenty minutes later, Phil is in his own pyjamas beside Ethan on the sofa with a blanket draped over them both (although Phil’s let Ethan have the bigger half) chomping down on a hot Domino’s order, their Ben & Jerry’s treat waiting for them in the freezer.  
  
Phil glances over at where Ethan takes a bite out of his slice. “You feeling better now, bud?”  
  
Ethan looks over at Phil with a small smile. “A little,” he says with a mouthful of cheese.

Phil smiles. “Eat up then, we have a whole tub of cookie dough ice cream to demolish,” Phil grins.   
  
Ethan just laughs.  
  
They’re a quarter through their tubs of ice cream when Phil speaks up.  
  
“We’re seeing Noah and Dan on Friday, I was thinking of asking them for dinner. Would you want that?” he asks, watching Ethan’s face carefully as he shovels in another spoonful of cookie dough.  
  
He looks down and digs his spoon into the softness of the ice cream. “Yeah, but like…” he looks back up at Phil with fearful eyes. “What I said, dad. What I did wasn’t good.”  
  
Phil frowns. Ethan has a point. He made fun of his friend behind his back with no chance of defending himself. But at the same time, they were a bunch of eight-year-old boys. Impressionable, stupid boys.  
  
“Ethan,” Phil says setting his ice cream on the table and shuffling under the blanket. “You’re right. What you did, wasn’t good.” He tells him, and Ethan looks like he might cry again.  
  
Phil rests a hand on his shoulder, “But,” he says, “the fact that you realised this, doesn’t make you a bad person.”  
  
Ethan frowns in confusion.  
  
“You did a bad thing but you knew it was a bad thing to do afterwards. You recognised what you were doing, and stopped, right?”  
  
Ethan nods.  
  
“You felt bad afterward, because what you said wasn’t true, right?”  
  
Ethan nods again.   
  
“Then you fixed your own mistake.” Phil says, picking up his spoon and pointing at him with it. “That shows you’re not a bully.”  
  
Ethan frowns but it slowly fades. “You… don’t think I’m a mean person then?” he asks, unsure.  
  
Phil sets his spoon back down, maybe a little too harshly. “Of course not. You’re a lovely kid, Ethan. Noah adores you, and what you did was bad, but I know you wouldn’t ever mean it.”  
  
Ethan seems to ponder of his words, wriggling his legs under the blanket and looks up at Phil again.  
  
“What about my friends? What about them?”  
  
Phil thinks for a moment about what the right words would be before he speaks.  
  
“I think that maybe you could go back into school tomorrow and tell them what they said was wrong. Maybe talk to them and hopefully they’ll agree with you,” Phil advices him. Ethan nods.  
  
“What if they don’t agree with me?” he asks.  
  
Phil squeezes Ethan’s shoulder tight for a second. “Then they weren’t your friends to begin with.”  
  
Ethan nods, looking deep in thought and picks his ice cream back up again.  
  
“How do you know all the stuff to say Dad?” he asks in a genuine voice and Phil barks a laugh, leaning his head back against the sofa.  
  
He most definitely doesn’t know all the right things to say. Raising a child was hard enough when it was the feeding and the changing and the physicality of it all, and it wasn’t until a little later on that Phil realised that his child would be the one to look up at him as ask him the important questions that you ask as a child.   
  
And it wasn’t until this moment that Phil had feared that he wasn’t really going to be that person in his son’s life. That he wouldn’t be able to advise him on certain things, that what he’d tell his child would be meaningless and worthless and only drag him down, possibly until he was much older and he’d end up resenting Phil for it.  
  
But then, Ethan leans against Phil and nuzzles his head against his side affectionately, and Phil lets those fears wash away. With being a parent you’re always going to feel like you’re not doing enough, or never the right thing, but then your kids always seem to prove in the tiniest of ways, that maybe you are. Slowly and surely.   
  
“So you want dinner with Noah and Dan on Friday then?” Phil asks, his fingers brushing through his hair. Ethan nods.  
  
“Yeah. Maybe Chinese food,” he mumbles sleepily, and Phil chuckles. Or course, it had to be Chinese food.

*

Once Ethan is in bed, tucked up and safe with tears no longer dried against his cheeks, Phil returns to his own room to plug his phone into the wall, knowing he should at least let Natalie know what was up before the last of his battery drains away, but just as he shoves the charger into the phone, it lights up with a text. From Dan.  
  
Phil sits on the edge of his bed and fumbles to unlock his phone, and once he’s finally managed to do so does he open the recent text.  
  
He reads it with a grin.  
  
**dan:** _noah learnt what a sleepover was today and now i think he wants his new best friend to come over for one this weekend :’)_

Phil’s phone pings again.  
  
**dan:** _unless you’re both busy of course_

Phil shakes his head with a laugh and types back a response.

 **phil:** _that is insanely adorable and we are definitely free this weekend. i was actually going to ask you if you’d both like to join me and ethan for dinner on friday after swimming?_

Phil waits for a response, waiting for those three little floaty dots to appear, and when they finally do he’s on the edge of his seat.  
  
How did Dan make him feel like this? At what point in his life did he begin sitting on the edge of his seat for a text? A text from Dan Howell.  
  
**dan:** _we would love that :) what are we having?_  
  
Phil laughs, and he doesn’t even know why, Dan hadn’t said anything particularly funny, but every little message sends a flurry of butterflies in his stomach like a stupid teenager again.  
  
**phil:** _i was thinking a five star gourmet traditional chinese cuisine?_

It doesn’t take long for a response back.  
  
**dan:** _red dragon? :’)_  
  
Phil laughs again to himself.  
  
**phil:** _of course_

Phil sits on his bed, waiting for the next text to come through. What he doesn’t expect is for his phone to flash up with ‘dan is calling’ bright on the screen/.  
  
He sits up, unsure of what to do as his phone vibrates angrily in his hands as he flaps around for a moment. Why the hell would Dan phone him? What was he going to say? What did he want?  
  
His shaky thumb accepts the call and he clears his throat before,  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“Phil. Do you really not eat anything other than Chinese food?” Dan’s voice comes through the line, teasing, and just the tone is enough to relax Phil from the stress that had crept up on him.  
  
He lets out a weak laugh, “I do actually try. Honest,” he jokes and Dan chuckles over the phone.  
  
“What did you eat for dinner tonight?” Dan asks and Phil has to swallow the lump in his throat because all of a sudden Dan’s voice has gone a little deeper.  
  
“Pizza,” Phil croaks. He clears his throat. “I’m a terrible father and we had domino’s,” he says in a flat tone, still joking however because Dan barks a loud laugh.  
  
“Wouldn’t call that being a terrible father. I would have died as a child if my parents let me have as much take out as you do,” Dan says and Phil coughs a laugh.  
  
“I know. I’m gonna end up turning my poor child into a walking pile of cheese,” Phil speaks. Dan giggles.  
  
“So, is there an occasion for pizza or,” he pauses, “was it just pizza?”  
  
Phil kicks his foot against the carpet with a  dry laugh. He can’t really tell Dan the whole truth about why Ethan was upset about earlier, but he can tell him the basics of it.  
  
“Ethan was pretty upset when he came home from school today,” Phil tells him, and Dan just listens. “So whenever we’re feeling crappy we order in a pizza each and ice cream.”  
  
Phil swears he can feel Dan’s smile from here over the phone. He can imagine the way his dimple forms on his cheek when he does so.  
  
“Ben and Jerry’s, yeah?” Dan asks softly. Phil nods, before remembering he’s having a phone call.  
  
“Yeah,” he says, “always Ben and Jerry’s.”  
  
There’s a moment of silence for a while before Dan clears his throat.  
  
“So, is Ethan alright now?”

“Yeah,” Phil assures him with an upbeat voice. “Yeah. Just some kids at school, you know how it is sometimes,” Phil says with a grunt.  
  
He hates that his bubbly, happy, loud and eccentric Ethan will be a target for the way he is. He knows that secondary school won’t be any kinder either. And either Ethan will manage to get through it, or it’ll change him. And Phil’s not sure he’s ready to watch his son experience any of that.  
  
He’s drawn out of his thoughts with a little chuckle over the speaker. “Well, I do. But Noah doesn’t start school until September, which is,” he pauses, to count, “four months away. Shit.”  
  
Phil huffs a laugh. “I know. Summer hasn’t even started yet and I’m already thinking about the new school year.”  
  
Dan hums. “Me too. I need to enroll the little guy, actually. Look around at some places.”  
  
Phil perks up at this. “You haven’t chosen a school yet?” he asks.  
  
“No,” Dan sighs, “I’m not too bothered about it being a, you know,” he stops, “a special school. But if there’s a good school that’s accessible for Noah then it’ll be good enough for him,” Dan says and Phil hums in agreement.  
  
“I suppose I just want him in a normal, whatever that means,” Dan laughs, “a normal school. I don’t want him singled out.” His voice is sad, and it makes Phil think of what Ethan had told him earlier. His heart tugs in his chest with a newfound sadness.  
  
He’s feeling sorry for this child; he can only imagine how heartbreaking it’d be for Dan to know that his son would be at the receiving end of every cruel joke because of a disability.  


“If you don’t mind me asking,” Dan pipes up and Phil’s brought back to earth again, “what’s Ethan’s school like? Is it any good?”  
  
Phil says nothing at first, unsure of what to say when Dan speaks again to fill the gap.  
  
“It’s just that, you’re the only other parent I know here so you’d have some idea about the schools in the area. And I know you said that there were kids being mean today, but, you know, If Noah had someone he knew there, maybe it’d help a little.”  
  
Phil finally gets his mouth and tongue to work again,  
  
“Yeah, no, yeah, the school is,” he stops. The school has a couple of kids that might make fun of yours. He remembers what he said to Ethan earlier. About sticking up for those that couldn’t do it themselves.  
  
“The school is good, actually. The teachers there are nice.” He says confidently. Natalie is nice.  
  
_Natalie._   
  
Maybe this is a good time to just bring that up.  
  
“My uh, well actually, Ethan’s mum, she works at the school. She’s the first year teacher,” Phil tells him and he hears the little sound of surprise over the line.  
  
“Oh, right,” Dan says quietly.  
  
“She’s so good with the kids. Better than me at least,” Phil snorts a laugh, and relief floods through him with Dan laughs back.  
  
“If you wanted, I could talk to her? Perhaps get a tour sorted out for you? That way you can maybe talk to the school about Noah’s needs and stuff, and see if it’s the appropriate school for you both,” Phil says, voice going a little high.  
  
But Dan seems to laugh, sounding a little wet like he’s crying perhaps.  
  
“That’s,” he laughs again, “that’s so nice of you. Fuck, Phil. Thank you.”  
  
Phil smiles, knowing that although Dan can’t see it, maybe he can feel it still.  
  
“Yeah, well, just helping a friend out,” Phil says, voice quiet.  
  
Dan sniffs and laughs again. “Then it’s settled.”   
  
Phil frowns, “What’s settled.”  
  
Dan laughs again, sounding a little less like crying again.  
  
“I’m buying Chinese on Friday,” he tells him. “My treat.”  
  
Phil just grins, ear to ear and feels a warmth burst in his chest like a hot water balloon.

It feels nice.  
  
“If you insist,” he laughs. Dan just laughs back, so fondly. 

It feels _really_ fucking nice.  



	10. Chapter 10

“He’s fully deaf then, huh?” Natalie asks as she pushes her salad across her plate with a fork. The small café they’re sat in is quiet for an early Thursday afternoon.  
  
Phil hums and takes a sip of his coffee and winces at the bitterness as it slips down his throat and sets it back down. “Yeah,” he tells her with a smack of his lips. “D’you think he’ll be able to enroll at the school?”  
  
She shoves a forkful of cucumber and lettuce into her nicely painted red lips with a warm smile. “Should do,” she mumbles with her mouthful. “Give him the office number and tell him to book in for a viewing, Sharon her name is. She’ll deal with it.” She smiles as she swallows down her lunch.  
  
Phil nods and looks down at his empty plate, and uses his used knife to push some of the syrup around. He feels Natalie’s stare without having to look up.  
  
“Can’t believe you scoffed those pancakes down. And you’re the man I trust with my child most days.”  
  
It’s a joke, so Phil looks up and laughs with a bounce of his shoulders and Natalie laughs back.  
  
“Father of the year,” he smiles.  
  
“Crap. What’s the time?” Natalie’s smile drops from her face and she reaches to the floor to pick up her bag and fishes out her phone.   
  
“I have to go. Fucking poxy board meeting, so bloody boring,” she groans as she sets her cutlery down over the remains of her plate. “You got it babe?” she asks standing up and looking at the pair of plates on the table and Phil waves her off.  
  
“Of course, go, go. Go save the education system or whatever,” he tells her as she collects herself and pushes her chair in. She stops to smirk at him with a quirk of her brows.  
  
“Not bloody likely. Thanks again for lunch. Tell Dan to ring them, see you later!” she calls out as she walks away with her heels clicking against wooden floors until they disappear along with her.  
  
Phil watches her walk away before he grabs for his phone out of his coat pocket and unlocks it with a swipe of his thumb.  
  
He wastes no time in opening his messages; Dan is of course, his most recent.  
  
He types out a message.  
  
**phil:** _spoke to natalie :) you can call by the school office and ask for a viewing! i reckon now you owe me extra fortune cookies on top of tomorrows dinner wouldn’t you say?_

As soon as it’s sent one comes back through. It brings a grin to Phil’s face.  
  
**dan:** _ur actually the best!!_

 **dan:** _and fortune cookies? really? i would have perhaps offered something like desert but if ur into cardboard tasting dust then be my guest mate_

Phil chuckles to himself and looks up in the almost empty café to see if anyone is watching him grin at his phone like an idiot. No one is, and even if they were, he wouldn’t care.  
  
**phil:** _can i take it back? i do want my fortune cookies but desert does sound good too_

His phone pings quickly after.  
**  
dan:** _wow phil so demanding_

 **dan:** _and yes we can get ice cream afterwards i’m sure ethan and noah will thank us for it lol_

Phil’s smile drops a little. He’d kinda forgotten that both kids would be there. He didn’t exactly mind or care, but just the reminder of reality hit him a little harder than he’d hoped. He types back.  
  
**phil:** _nominated dad of the year_

He watches his screen for a reply. Again, it doesn’t take long for one to come through.   
**  
dan:** _*dads of the year. come collect ur award tomorrow - does after swimming sound good? my place?_  
  
Phil grins and he feels his heart kick happily against his ribs and his palms sweat where he grips his phone so tight, and he knows he’ll soon have to leave the bubble he’s created in this little café and return back to the grey box of his office cubical and avoid questions from Jimmy about why he’s smiling so damn much, but right now he taps his thumbs against the screen and lets himself feel happy.  
  
**phil:** _sounds good :)_

 *

The sun is still high in the sky by the time Phil has Ethan in the car and on the way to the pool. It’s one of the beautiful things about summertime; the way the world seems to stop in this little pocket of time. The sun hangs suspended until gone ten and even then they sky turns a swirl of beautiful blue and the night doesn’t come until a while later. Phil loves the summertime. It’s always made him hate having a birthday that was at the end of January. A time when snow would be still slushed across pavements and the moon would appear in the sky before it’s time. He envied kids in his class that had summer birthdays and would celebrate with rubber pools in their gardens and barbeques out on their decks whilst Phil would be huddled up inside with the heating blasting whilst celebrating his own.  
  
But now as he drives the short distance from the apartment to the pool, he looks out to where wisps of pink and orange clouds fly across the sky and it makes him excited for the summer to come. He still needs to arrange for a trip to his parents, and despite the fact that the idea is tedious, having to drive to the docks and spend the day on a ferry crossing stretches of water, Phil still finds excitement in being able to spend a week with his loved ones, especially with his son also.  
  
“Are we going to Noah’s after swimming?” Ethan asks from the seat beside him. Phil smiles at him, watching him glance out the window.  
  
“Yeah, we’re gonna have dinner round theirs,” he tells him. “You excited?”  
  
Ethan turns to face him with a smile, a smile Phil feels he’ll never tire of seeing.   
  
“Yeah,” Ethan tells him.  
  
*  
  
As usual Lester fashion, when Phil arrives at the sports complex, they’re late. He rushes Ethan to hurry and watches him try not to run towards the pool, and once they’ve left the changing rooms Phil is instantly looking out for the curly mop of hair in the small crowd of bored parents.  
  
It doesn’t take him long to find him once Dan is out of his chair and waving him over.  
  
“Thought you’d had second thoughts about my offer for dinner tonight,” Dan grins at him once Phil takes a seat beside him. He huffs a laugh,  
  
“Well, the promise of fortune cookies and ice cream was what actually sold me,” Phil tells him with a smile, and momentarily Dan’s smile drops.  
  
“Fuck,” he mutters, and there’s a patch of skin just across his jaw that blooms a light pink. “I fucking forgot your ice cream. I didn’t buy any,” Dan mutters.   
  
He genuinely sounds annoyed at himself, and Phil just chokes a laugh and Dan frowns at him in confusion.  
  
“It’s fine,” Phil assures him, and right then he has the unexplainable urge to perhaps rest his hand on his knee, but he refrains himself from doing so. “I think I can live without.”  
  
Dan’s lips twitch into a small, telling smile. “You think?”  
  
Phil nods. “I think so.”  
  
Just then there’s a sharp blow of a whistle and both men turn their heads back to the pool, and once they discover there’s no screaming teachers or crying children this time Phil relaxes. He looks over to where Ethan clings to the side, kicking his legs out beside him. He doesn’t notice his dad looking over at him, entirely captivated in the excitement of his class as water thrashes around him. Dan seems to be watching too, but when Phil’s eyes flicker back to his face for a moment he notices the frown across his face.  
  
He follows his gaze to look across the other side of the pool where Noah’s class seems to take place. He watches how Noah paddles along, little hands grip onto the pool noodle the teacher has hold of, her mouth moving words of encouragement that neither men could hear from here, nor Noah, but Phil can make out the way Noah has his eyes shut tightly and his tongue poking out in concentration as he kicks with all his might.   
  
Phil is about to ask Dan what’s wrong when he notices the rest of the kids in the small class that stand in the shallow area who seem to watch Noah try to swim with giggles and sneers.  
  
Phil’s heart lurches in his chest.  
  
It’s not fair; not fair that a child as kind as Noah is subjected to an unfair cruelness. Phil looks back at Dan who has his bottom lip chewed between his teeth worrisome.  
  
“You should talk to the teacher after class,” Phil says softly, almost making Dan jump slightly as he looks back at him with those big round brown eyes.  
  
Dan huffs and his shoulders sag as he looks away from Phil and back at the pool sadly. “Kids are dickheads, aren’t they?” he tries to laugh but it sounds more sad.  
  
Phil nods. “They can be,” he tells him as he looks back at Ethan who is talking to a girl in his class who seems to be upset. She can’t manage to keep afloat as she kicks her legs, and Ethan is bouncing around in the water beside her, showing her what to do. He ducks underwater for a brief second and comes up spluttering water quickly before going back to encouraging her, and she laughs. She throws her head back and giggles so loud that over the sounds of water and children chattering, Phil can hear her laugh, and he can hear Ethan’s too. His heart swells in his chest and he smiles even though he can’t see him from here.  
  
“Not all of them,” Dan says in his ear and when Phil looks back at him, Dan’s watching too with a warm smile. Phil smiles at him and hums and looks back to where Ethan woops in triumph as the girl manages to kick her legs out and keep her head above water. The teacher bobs past them and praises them both. Pride bursts in Phil’s chest.  
  
“He’s a good kid. Raised him well you did,” Dan smiles and Phil leans back in his little plastic chair to look at him.  
  
He chuckles awkwardly, “You too,” he looks back at Noah who still kicks furiously with his eyes scrunched shut. “Little fighter he is.”  
  
Dan gets that proud parent look that Phil understands and he beams a smile. “He is. He’s such a fighter.”  
  
Phil hums and watches as he reaches the other side of the pool and when he teacher praises him he opens his eyes his brown eyes flicker down to read her lips and he smiles so wide he looks as if his face could crack in half. He spins his head to look for Dan and when he finds him he smiles at him. Dan laughs beside him and holds a thumbs up.  
  
“Good job,” Dan mouths, moving his hands close to his chest. Noah seems to laugh where he is and the teacher carries him back to the other side of the pool again, still holding onto his big green pool noodle like a trophy.  
  
Noah seems unbothered by the other children who watch him with sly smiles as they mutter to themselves.   
  
“I think the worst thing is that most of the time he can’t even hear the shitty things kids say to him,” Dan says suddenly. Phil frowns at him.  
  
“They – you get kids that don’t understand. Kids that don’t get it and that’s okay. But the ones that know, the ones that actually understand that he’s deaf, they’re the ones that hurt the most. They pick on him because they can.” Dan says huffing out a heavy sigh.  
  
“They _think_ they can,” Phil corrects him, and Dan turns to face him with a confused expression. “They think they can pick on him, but they can’t. And they shouldn’t.”  
  
Dan lets out a bitter laugh and shakes his head looking at the tiled floor. “They do though. And how am I supposed to explain to my six year old son that those children aren’t his friend because they make fun of him when he can’t hear them?”  
  
Phil looks over at Dan’s face; he’s not even that close but he can see the smattering of freckles over the bridge of his nose and under his eyes. His big round brown eyes that swim with a thousand emotions seemingly constantly.  
  
He pulls his eyes away from Dan and back towards his own son who gleefully chats away to the same girl who seems to be doing better now. He grins.  
  
“You show him what real friends are,” Phil tells him looking back again.  
  
Dan’s face melts into a warm smile, his eyes crinkle. “Yeah,” he croaks. “I suppose that’s a good place to start.”  
  
The whistle blows and the lessons finally end. Parent’s drag their tired bodies from the hard plastic chairs and children crawl out of the pool and totter off towards the changing rooms where they await their parents.   
  
When Dan and Phil arrive, they notice Ethan and Noah already side by side and Ethan is holding up his goggles to him, whilst Noah watches in confusion.  
  
“Dad,” Ethan spins around once he notices Phil approaching him, “I was thinking maybe we could let Noah borrow my goggles next time,” he tells him as Phil pulls the towel out of his swim bag and Dan does the same.  
  
“That’s nice of you Ethan,” Dan tells him as he bends down to wrap up Noah in a fluffy towel, “but Noah here is a little scared of goggles,” he tells him. He looks to Phil with a frown,  
  
“Little guy won’t wear them.”  
  
Phil frowns back.  
  
But Ethan pipes up as Phil throws the towel over his head, “Yeah but these are my special ones!” he bounces up to Phil, flapping the blue goggles up and down. Phil chuckles.  
  
“Your special ones?” Phil laughs as he ruffles Ethan’s hair wetly and he nods.  
  
“Special ones,” he repeats. “They’re fish vision! Dan could you tell Noah these are special ones please? Maybe he’ll wanna try them out?” he asks hopefully, and Phil’s about to try and pin him down to get the kid dressed but Dan laughs heartedly and nods,   
  
“Alright, I’ll tell him,” he tells him as he pulls out Noah’s t-shirt and jeans. “As long as you tell me what your favourite flavour of ice cream is,” he winks.  
  
Phil feels his heart do a weird squeezy thing in his chest, seeing Dan mess around with his son like this.

Ethan doesn’t even question it but rocks on his feet excitedly with a grin, “Mint chocolate chip!” he exclaims.  
  
Dan laughs as he helps Noah pull his socks over his little feet, “That’s his favourite too,” Dan tells him as he nods at Noah.   
  
Ethan gasps in excitement and both Dan and Phil laugh.   
  
“What about you Phil? Got a favourite?” Dan asks as he looks up at Phil with a smile.  
  
His heart is dangerously close to exploding in his chest. “I think I’ll have whatever you’re having,” he speaks, and his voice comes out in a wobble but he doesn’t care. He’s being brave.  
  
Dan smiles deep and his dimple pops out of his cheek, “Sounds good.”  
  
Phil is ripped away from the moment when he hears the wet footsteps of his son padding away from him, still dressed in his swim shorts and towel thrown over his head as he walks around the room talking to other kids, until Phil has to call him back.  
  
“Come on mister,” Phil tells him as he hands him his hoodie and jeans. “If you don’t get dressed you’ll miss out on ice cream,” Phil warns him lightly and Ethan looks up at him with a pout.   
  
“If I miss out on ice cream that’d mean you would too, so really, punishing me is like punishing yourself,” Ethan tells him as he pulls his t-shirt over his wet head. Dan tries not to laugh beside him as he folds his wet towel into his bag.  
  
Phil just scoffs a laugh. “You’re right,” he tells him, looking up at Dan. “And I really don’t wanna miss this ice cream.”  
  
Ethan pulls his shoes on, now dressed and ready to go and hops up beside Phil enthusiastically as he grins at Noah who has his hand in Dan’s large one, before looking up at Phil with a smile. “Let’s go then!”  
  
Phil laughs. “Let’s go then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	11. Chapter 11

“That’ll be £20 please,” the cash register girl asks in a bored voice. Phil smiles at her politely and takes the crumpled paper note from his wallet and hands it over to her with a smile.  
  
She hands him the little plastic tesco bag that’s heavy with four tubs of Ben and Jerry’s, “Cheers,” he thanks her but she just nods and Phil steps aside for the guy behind them to pay.  
  
“You really should have let me pay,” Dan tells him once they’ve reached the doors. They swoosh open and they walk out the store and towards Dan’s car that’s parked up in one of the space where Ethan and Noah sit in the backseat with their faces pressed up against the window.  
  
Phil jiggles the bag, “Honestly it’s fine. My treat, since I was the one that was begging for ice cream in the end,” he jokes as Dan unlocks his car with a click of his keys. He chuckles lightly.  
  
“Mate, that definitely wasn’t begging,” he laughs as he swings his door open and hops in. Phil stands there for a moment as his body prickles over in a quick heat before opening his own door and sliding in.  
  
They buckle themselves in and Phil has to ask Ethan to sit back down in his seat once he’s caught sight of the ice cream tub in the bag, peering over Phil’s shoulder to take a look.  
  
Once they’re all settled, they make the familiar drive to the Red Dragon. They park up and decide to take both boys in with them. Noah grabs for Dan’s hand whilst Ethan skips ahead happily.  
  
“Okay, Chinese is definitely on me,” Dan turns to Phil as he pushes the door open. “No more about it,” he says and Phil grins at him.  
  
“If you insist.”  
  
The same woman arrives from out back and her face cracks into a large smile when she sees them both,  
  
“Hello boys,” she greets them, “the usual for you both?” she asks as she busies herself behind the counter. Phil feels his cheeks go a little red, and when he looks over towards Dan beside him, his cheeks are a little pink too.  
  
“No shame in too much Chinese, right?” Dan says with a shrug of his shoulders.  
  
“Absolutely not,” Phil croaks.  
  
Dan smiles at him. The woman behind the counter clears her throat and Dan almost jumps out of his skin that Phil has to hold back from letting out a giggle.  
  
“Uh, well I’ll have the sweet and sour chicken balls and egg fried rice,” Dan tells her with a nod of his head. “And uh, Noah,” Dan crouches down to his son, and moves his hands skillfully,  
  
“What’ll you have?” he asks. Noah watches him closely before moving his hands and Dan nods. By now Ethan has stopped goofing around the empty tables and come up behind Dan to watch them both.  
  
Dan stands up and faces the woman again, “And he’ll have the shredded duck and the young chow fried rice,” he tells her with a smile and she nods as she jots it down on her pad of paper.   
  
“And Phil? Ethan?” Dan asks turning to face them,  
  
“Uh, I’ll have the shrimp chow mein, if that’s alright,” Phil tells him as he shifts on his feet a little. “And uh, the singapore noodles too,” Phil adds and Dan grins.   
  
“Oh they sound nice actually,” he turns to face the woman again, “can we have two of those Singapore noodled please?” he asks and she nods and adds it to the list. “Never tried those before,” Dan turns to face Phil with a smile and Phil smiles back.  
  
“Try new things I guess,” he laughs.  
  
“And Ethan?” Dan asks looking down at Ethan who already has his handful of different pouches of sauces again.  
  
Ethan looks up at him and chews his lip in concentration. Phil isn’t sure why; he usually has the same thing he always has, but instead Ethan beckons Dan closer and Phil just watches in confusion as Dan couches down beside his son and Ethan whispers something in his ear.  
  
Dan leans back and laughs and looks up towards Phil with a glint in his eye before looking back down at Ethan again.  
  
And then he slowly moves his hands. He repeats the same few actions again whilst Ethan copies slowly. Phil watches them before looking back at the woman behind the counter who watches with a warm smile on her lips.   
  
“So this is chicken chow mein,” Dan tells him whilst moving his hands again slow enough for Ethan to copy, “and this is chicken fried rice,” Dan shows him and Ethan manages to copy fairly closely. Once he’s able to move his hands fluently he beams up at Dan and over at Noah who looks rather impressed.  
  
Dan smiles at him and as he stands he looks over at Phil. His eyes are soft and his whole face seems to be glowing in the soft light of the restaurant and never has Phil though he’s looked more amazing. He swallows thickly as Dan turns away and faces the woman again, and Phil feels frozen to the spot as he watches him give his sons order to the lady who scribbles it down for him.  
  
“And uh, we’ll have an extra handful of fortune cookies if you have any,” Phil hears Dan add, turning his head to wink at him.   
  
*  
  
“Mate,” Dan slams his fork down against the table fiercely, “Singapore noodles are _banging_. Good choice.”  
  
Phil looks up at where they’re sat; in Dan’s small dining room, with Ethan beside him and Dan and Noah opposite him, where the four of them sit and eat the last of their meal together. Phil grins as he forks in his own noodles.  
  
“I’d consider myself a Chinese food expert,” Phil tells him once he’s swallowed his food down, and Ethan laughs quietly beside him.  
  
“Uh huh, we eat so much of it, you probably are, dad.” Ethan adds. Dan laughs, and pushes a chicken ball across his plate.  
  
“King of incredible, delicious noodles,” Dan grins and it causes both Phil and Ethan to erupt into giggles.

Phil shoves the last forkful of noodles in his mouth to hide his smile when Ethan slaps his hands against the table loudly, causing him to jump and almost choke.

“Ethan,” Phil clears his throat and frowns down at his son who now sits on his knees in his chair and pushes himself up excitedly,  
  
“Ice cream! It’s ice cream time!” Ethan calls out and Dan chuckles as he pushes his plate away.  
  
“Not if you act like that it isn’t, sit down properly please,” Phil tells him as he sets his knife and fork neatly onto his plate and Dan stands to collect the dishes as Ethan flops back into his chair.  
  
Noah watches him and giggles silently. Phil looks across at him and he smiles. “You’re teaching Noah bad manners, you don’t wanna get him into trouble do you now?” Phil asks Ethan who shakes his head and looks over at Noah with those big blue eyes of his.  
  
“No! Noah is my friend, aren’t you Noah?”  
  
Noah nods, his smile wide and eyes crinkled with a hidden laughter, and Phil can’t help the flicker of his eyes to where the hearing air is connected to his ear. He tears his gaze away once Dan returns to the table with four pots of ice cream impressively in both large hands.  
  
“Ice cream!” Ethan exclaims again and disobeys Phil by sitting on his knees again and flails his arms in the air.  
  
Dan chuckles and sets down the tub’s in each place; one for Ethan, one for Noah, one for Phil and one for Dan.  
  
Dan jogs off to the kitchen to grab some spoons, and once Phil can hear him rattling around in the kitchen for cutlery, Phil leans across the table towards the table and smiles sweetly at him.  
  
“So, Noah,” he says making the brown eyed boy look up at him, “if you don’t mind me asking, how do you say ice cream in sign language?” he asks and Noah looks confused for a moment before face cracking into a grin.  
  
He nods and moves his hands towards his mouth and does a licking motion whilst mouthing the words. Phil copies, and so does Ethan. Noah smiles at them and nods, and Phil feels impressed with himself.  
  
“Am I doing it right?” he asks, repeating the action and Noah nods,   
  
“Yeah,” he whispers quietly, “you got it.”  
  
Dan returns to see all three of them sat at the table repeating the sign for ice cream over and over again until they see Dan watching them with a confused face and they burst into fits of laughter as Dan sets down the spoons.  
  
“What about spoons?” Ethan asks excitedly, holding his spoon up towards Noah, and as Dan opens his mouth to ask what they’re on about Noah moves his hands again.  
  
This time it’s like he’s holding an imaginary bowl and spooning it up with the other hand and Ethan nods and follows.  
  
Dan reaches across at pops open Noah’s lid of ice cream as the two boys sign spoon at each other until they begin laughing again and realise they’re ice cream is in front of them, and both kids snatch up their real spoons and dig it into their softening ice cream.  
  
Dan and Phil watch them with a shake of their heads and dig into their own desert. Just as Phil brings the spoonful to his lip Dan lets out a dramatic groan.  
  
“Oh my god this is good,” he sighs and Phil snorts a laugh, causing Dan to whip his head up fast and his cheeks to flush.   
  
“Oh my – did I just do that out loud?” he asks and Phil purses his lips not to laugh and nods.   
  
“Okay,” Ethan starts up again, setting his spoon down on the table. “How’d you say mint chocolate chip?”   
  
Noah sets his own spoon down, gentler than Ethan had been and moves his hands again as he swallows down his ice cream.  
  
This time it isn’t one simple hand movement and he’s moving his hands way too fast for either of them to keep up with, and Ethan scoffs when he’s done.  
  
“There’s no way I’m gonna learn that,” he shakes his head in disbelief and picks up his spoon again. Dan laughs.  
  
“There’s no word for mint chocolate chip,” he tells him and Phil listens as he speaks to him. “That was him spelling the words out,” Dan tells him and Ethan nods.  
  
“Like an alphabet?” he asks and Dan nods.   
  
“Yeah, exactly like an alphabet,” he smiles and Ethan smiles widely back.  
  
“That’s cool,” he says as he goes back to his desert and Dan chuckles.   
  
Eventually once both boys have eaten enough of their food they ask to be excused and the pair of them leave for Noah’s room upstairs where Dan puts in a dvd for them and leaves them to their giggling selves.  
  
“You want a wine?” Dan asks as he takes Phil to the living room. Phil swallows hard, and nods.   
  
“Sure, why not?”  
  
*  
  
Four glasses of red later and Dan is trying for the hundredth time to show Phil how to sign his own name.  
  
“No, Phil, like this,” Dan giggles as he sets his near empty glass onto the coffee table with a heavy clunk.  
  
Phil wriggles in his seat and tucks his legs under him getting comfy as he watches closely to Dan’s movements of his hands.  
  
He does is slow, moving his fingers across one another, and right now is a great excuse just to stare at Dan’s hands and his fingers and how broad his palms are and how long his finger stretch away from him and -   
  
His finger is bare and there’s no ring this time.  
  
“Are you even paying attention?” Dan laughs breathlessly and Phil has to remember to breathe and nod and laugh.  
  
“Yeah, no, of course I am,” he lies. He wasn’t paying any attention at all.  
  
“Go on then,” Dan urges him with a grin, “show me how you say ‘Phil’ then,” he smiles.  
  
Phil brings his hands up to stare and them before falling forward with a rush of laughter. “Okay, okay I have no idea what I’m doing,” he says as he sits up again, trying to ignore that he almost practically just fell on top of Dan.   
  
“Do you need me to do it for you?” Dan asks and Phil nods, and with that Dan has his hands around his own.   
  
They’re warm and soft and nice, and once his fingers brush over his knuckles his breath catches in his throat and it’s when Dan begins to speak that Phil has to force air into his lungs before he passes out.  
  
“So the P is pretty simple,” Dan tells him as he takes Phil’s fingers and moves them to the correct sign.   
  
“Then you have the ‘h’ which is this,” Dan says as he places his hand over the back of Phil’s and brushes it against his palm.  
  
“Then like this,” Dan’s voice drops lower as he moves his hands, and Phil can’t even concentrate on what Dan’s trying to teach him because his face is so close and he can see each eyelash and each freckle at the way his lips are a little bitten.  
  
Dan looks up for a moment and Phil almost jumps, staring back down at his hands with a rush of heat flowing through his body in fear he was caught out of staring. Instead, Dan carries on, clearing his throat.  
  
“And then the last one is the L, obviously, which is like this,” he whispers, laying Phil’s hand flat and taking his own finger and dragging it slowly against his palm.   
  
Every touch is like tiny sparks of electricity, and Phil doesn’t know if it’s the bubble of wine in his bloodstream, or the summer sun that’s still going down in the sky outside or just how he’s now notices that their knees are touching with the way they’re sat and if Phil shuffled closer just a little he could scoot over and crawl on top of him. And he so wants to find out the face Dan would make if he tried that. To see those beautiful brown eyes blown out wide with shock until Phil could kiss it away from him and let him melt into him like goo.  
  
But there’s a loud laugh coming from upstairs and both men pull away almost instantly.  
  
Dan forces a short laugh as he scoots back and even though he’s barely a couple of inches away, it feels like he’s miles away from where he was before. Phil watches his reach for his wine and chug it down quickly. He wiggles his glass at Phil with a smile,  
  
“You need a refill?” he asks and Phil shakes as he picks his forgotten glass up off the floor by his feet.  
  
“Good for now, thanks,” he replies.  
  
Dan sits back in his seat against the soft cushions of the sofa as a long period of silence washes over them. It’s almost a little awkward.  
  
“So,” Phil starts, swirling his wine round in his glass. “Was it hard having to learn sign language?” he asks, only because he’s not sure what else to say other than _‘I want to kiss you,’_ which he fears would spill from his big mouth if he consumes anymore alcohol.  
  
Dan sits up and laughs with a shake of his head, looking down at his feet for a second before looking back up, “Yeah,” he tells him, “it was awful,” he says and Phil nods, taking a small sip of his wine.  
  
“Only because _I_ was awful at it,” Dan adds, sitting back comfortably again, and Phil does the same.  
  
“You seem good at it now,” Phil says and Dan barks a laugh.  
  
“Yeah, only because I have to be.”  
  
Phil frowns and instantly Dan’s face falls.   
  
“Shit, sorry – that came out wrong. Asshole mouth and all,” Dan says apologetically and Phil laughs a little into his glass,   
  
“Don’t worry about it. You’re right after all.”  
  
Dan hums with a nod. “Yeah, I guess so.”  
  
“So did you like,” Phil pauses to think about what to say. “Did you have to learn once he was born, or…” he trails off. He hopes maybe this’ll perhaps answer just one of the millions of questions that still remain about Dan. One being about Noah and where he even came from.  
  
Dan nods, “Yeah, we didn’t learn that he was deaf until he was a couple of weeks old, which is normal, really. But yeah once he was of talking age we basically had to teach ourselves to teach him,” he huffs a laugh and Phil pretends to laugh too.  
  
_We_. _Our_.  
  
“But sometimes there’s even stuff I don’t understand so sometimes trying to teach that to him it’s frustrating,” Dan adds looking down. Phil frowns at him, and his hand itches to just reach across the short distance and rest on his knee. And for once he feels brave and he does it.  
  
It rests heavy and Dan looks up with a smile.   
  
“It must be hard, huh?” Phil asks him and Dan nods sadly.  
  
“Sometimes people see me with him and they think I’m some great dad that can take care of his disabled son by himself,” Dan whispers, looking away from Phil. “But I’m not. Sometimes – most times I can even speak to my own kid and that’s because I don’t know how.”  
  
Phil isn’t sure what to say, and instead Dan keeps talking.   
  
“I try hard, I really do, but it’s hard Phil. I mean, try reasoning with a six year old that won’t wear his hearing aid because he’s having a tantrum and then he won’t look at you because he knows he won’t be able to listen to me that way.”  
  
Phil’s heart seems to drop to his stomach at the idea. The idea of Dan trying to reason with an upset Noah who throws his hearing aid to the floor, refusing to look at Dan who can’t even communicate with him now.  
  
Phil squeezes his knee with his hand and Dan looks up with sad eyes.  
  
“I can’t imagine,” Phil croaks, “I honestly couldn’t. But you _are_ doing a great job.” Phil tells him and Dan gives him a wobbly smile.   
  
“Thanks,” he says with a shrug of his shoulders.  
  
Phil puts his wine back down onto the table and takes Dan’s empty glass whilst scooting closer to him where they bump legs again, neither of them caring to notice.  
  
“You’re a really good dad,” Phil whispers as he looks deep into Dan’s eyes. They sparkle with a million shades of brown and honey and they burn bright. “You’re really, really great, Dan,” Phil tells him.  
  
His eyes flicker towards Dan’s lips and back up in a second. His heart is thundering in his chest and his head swims with a stupid amount of alcohol that burns in the tips of his fingertips. Dan’s tongue darts out quickly to lick at his lips and its then that Phil realises that Dan is looking at him; looking at his lips and causing his heart to flip in his chest and he wants to be brave and do the things his head imagines and the things his heart wants. And within the next second suddenly he’s falling forwards and his lips ever so lightly brush against his.  
  
It’s barely a kiss, but he feels it; he feels it burn like hot electricity under his skin and across every nerve in his body, and just as it begins to feel real he feels Dan pull away with a quick gasp.  
  
Phil opens his eyes, unaware of when he even closed them and snaps his mouth shut from where it hangs open in shock.  
  
“I – Dan, I’m so sorry, I-“ Phil begins to splutter in a panic as his heart races against his chest and his palms sweat. But Dan cuts him off with a sharp shake of his head and a nervous laugh that seems too forced and fake.  
  
“It’s alright, really it’s fine,” he says trying to smile but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. Eyes that now look lost and confused. “Just the wine,” Dan adds, his voice quiet. "Makes you go a bit wobbly, can't it?" he pretends to laugh.   
  
Phil swallows down the lump of disappointment that’s lodged in his throat and forces on a smile.  
  
“Yeah,” he whispers, “the wine.”  
  
Dan stares at him, almost like he wants to say something, but instead Phil stands up, his legs seem to wobble a little but he catches himself on the arm of the couch awkwardly.  
  
“I should probably go. It’s getting late,” Phil tells him and Dan springs up from the couch.  
  
“You don’t have to – you could stay, really,” Dan tells him, although to Phil, it seems more like asking. But Phil shakes his head.  
  
“No, really I should leave.”  
  
“Right.” Dan nods and looks down at his feet. “Should I call you a cab?” he asks and Phil nods.  
  
“If you wouldn’t mind.”  
  
A cab is called and they decide on letting Ethan stay the night. Phil climbs up the stairs and presses a kiss against his hair as he says his goodbyes, with promises to come get him in the morning. He waves an awkward goodbye to Noah and once he’s back downstairs Dan informs him that his cab is waiting outside.  
  
Just as Phil is slipping his shoes on Dan clears his throat and Phil looks up at him.  
  
“Phil.”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
_Nothing._ He says nothing.   
  
“Dan,”  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
Words burn on his tongue. He washes them away once swallowed down with a false smile.   
  
“I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” he asks and Dan blinks at him before nodding.  
  
“Yeah, of course. See you tomorrow, Phil.”  
  
And with that Phil walks out the door and towards the car that waits outside the drive for him. And as Phil looks back at watches the house and Dan disappear out of sight as they drive away, Phil thinks its perhaps the hardest goodbye in his life so far.


	12. Chapter 12

When Phil wakes up the next morning, he’s half hoping for the telltale signs of a hangover thrumming against his skull with the dizzy nausea to pin down the reason for the bad decisions in his life – but he wakes up with a perfectly clear head and no sloshing of wine in his stomach that he hadn’t already peed out of his body last night. It’s disappointing to say the least.  
  
Instead of rolling around his bed trying to save off from being sick, he instead buries himself under the warmth of his covers and lets out a groan of frustration. Having a hangover right now would be so much easier, and he’s beginning to regret the fact that after returning home from Dan’s last night he’d just crawled into bed. He could have easily diverted his journey from the front door to his fridge and guzzle down a bottle of wine to himself, and then at least he could spend the first few hours of his day trying to focus on the swirl of his stomach instead of the one inside his head.  
  
But the longer he lies in bed, wallowing in his own self-hatred, the more he feels the need to get up and do something. So he takes a deep breath and leaps out of bed, facing the cold air his apartment always seems to be full of. Maybe if he has a shower he’ll feel a little more refreshed, mentally at least.  
  
So he allows himself to run the hot water and stand under the spray for an extra handful of minutes. Maybe if he wasn’t feeling so stale he’d let his hands wander and make himself feel good for the sake that he’s alone right now and hasn’t any plans for the rest of the day, but right now touching himself is the last thing he wants to do, fearful that if he allows himself to slip away in his mind and enjoy something pleasurable, he’s afraid of the fantasy his mind could conjure, and he knows if he starts he won’t be able to stop.  
  
So he washes his hair and scrubs at his body until he feels warm and washed and steps out and grabs himself his fluffiest towel for good comfort.  
  
When he returns to his room, dressed and dried, he checks his phone and notices the screen empty. At first it’s like hot relief, until he remembers that he is eventually going to have to break and make contact with Dan if he wants his son back, and frankly Dan doesn’t seem like the type to kidnap other people’s kids after sleepovers.  
  
He blows a shaky breath from his lips as he snatches his phone up and types a message with thumbs that tremble just a little.  
  
He looks over at what he’s written:  
**  
phil:** _hey dan let me know what time you need me to come pick ethan up and i’ll come by :) thanks_

The façade and pretence of normality are easily see-through, but he hits send anyways and hopes it does sound too suspicious. He hopes that Dan replies at all.  
  
He’s about to chuck his phone back on the bed and leave it for however long he needs, but it pings quickly in his hand, almost making him jump.  
  
**dan:** _i can drop him off at yours if you want? they’re just having breakfast now so we’ll probably be ready a little over an hour if that’s cool_

Phil imagines a scenario where he could instead type out Natalie’s address and tell Dan that Ethan is due at his mother’s, but just the mere idea is enough to send swirls of anxiety in his gut, despite the fact that he’d never be that incredibly petty enough to ship his son unexpectedly to his mum’s simply because Phil doesn’t want to have to open his front door and be fronted with the guy he kind of kissed last night.  
  
Not that it was really a kiss anyway.  
  
He types out a quick reply instead of lingering on the thought and hits send.  
  
**phil:** _sounds great see you later :)_

He throws his phone back onto the bed after quickly adding his address to Dan, with a deep huff and runs a hand through his damp hair that’s already begun to flop into his eyes.

He supposed he should try and get the place looking somewhat presentable considering he’ll have Dan at his door in a mere hour, and he’s already unsure if it’s good ettequete to invite him in or not, but either way, he really should think about the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, and consider running the hover around the place as it wouldn’t kill him to tidy the place, just a little.  
  
So he makes quick of drying his hair, spraying it with the array of products Natalie had bought him his birthday passed, all of which he has no idea of how to use properly, but he sprays the ones that smell nice and seem to give his hair a bit of hold, before getting to work on cleaning up.  
  
He remembers when he first had moved here, back when Ethan was a tiny baby, and he’d had Natalie over every other day with wide eyes, gently telling Phil that he should maybe not leave hot mugs of coffee laying around where he’d left them, or that shoes didn’t belong in the middle of doorways where they became trip hazards – especially with a baby in your arms. But Natalie had done her best to train Phil out of his bad habits that clung to him in his youth, and he’d done his best to shake him. But some things just couldn’t simply be changed.  
  
He picks up a collection of socks he finds under the sofa somehow, a mixture of his, Ethan’s and weirdly one that Phil doesn’t recognise, before shuddering at the thought of a strangers sock being under his sofa for god knows how long, and chucking it anyway.  
  
He gets through the dishes with an upbeat Spotify playlist to hum along to, swaying his hips as he’s elbow deep in suds, basking in the sweet tones of Matt Belamy that blast perhaps a tad too loud, but as he sings along to the well remembered lyrics, he almost misses the knock at the door.  
  
With a bubbly Jurassic Park mug, with a nice photo of Jeff Goldblum plastered across it, he walks to door and opens it with a click.  
  
He’s met with Dan stood in his doorway, Noah stuck to his side, and Ethan barreling towards him with a grin and wide arms.  
  
“Dad!” Ethan squeals excitedly and Phil is almost knocked off his feet from the force as Ethan slams into him. He hears Dan give a small chuckle of amusement and Phil looks up at him.  
  
It’s awkward. It’s horrifically awkward, but Phil swallows it down thickly and smiles at both Dan and his son stood quietly in the doorway, ushering them in,  
  
“Coffee?”  
  
*  
  
“This is a really nice apartment,” Dan speaks as Phil hands him his coffee where Dan is perched on the couch.  
  
“Thanks, I’ve practically lived here ever since Ethan was born,” Phil tells him with a nod as he sits down with his own mug of coffee

Dan looks around the small area of his living room, his gaze trailing across the small collection of photos that hang on the wall and over the tiny bookshelf that holds just a small collection of Phil’s books, along with a few of Ethan’s; Phil keeps his books like his Stephen Spielberg ones in his room out of reach of eight-year-old children. He’s quickly learnt his lesson one night when Ethan had come running to his room, sobs wailing from his tiny body with Phil’s copy of Cujo in his hands. It was safe to say Phil was sure to keep scary books away from where they might fall into the wrong hands again.  
  
“It’s nice,” Dan repeats as he looks back at Phil with a thin smile before sipping at his coffee, and Phil watches as he pulls the mug away from his lips and makes a face of disgust.  
  
“Oh my god, is this instant coffee?” Dan sticks his tongue out and Phil feels his stomach swoop inside of him for a quick moment, sudden anxiety that he’s done something wrong, before it washes away with quick relief and realisation that it’s just a joke when Dan begins to laugh.  
  
“In all fairness, I think I did warn you before of my coffee-phlebness,” Phil shrugs at him, to which Dan must find hilarious because he’s tipping his head back and laughing that loud, infectious wheezy laugh.

“I think I do actually recall a similar conversation about your love for instant nescafe coffee,” he grins so wide his eyes crinkle slightly, “though I’ll let you off on one condition,” he adds, his voice going lower.  
  
Phil swallows thickly before smiling at him with a quick lick of his lips, “And what would that be?” he asks.  
  
Dan takes another sip of his coffee and the small amount of seconds it takes for him to bring his mug to his lips and back down again seem to stretch out so long that Phil wishes he could just take the mug from his hands and tell him to spit it out already.  
  
“You like Muse?” is what Dan eventually says, and it’s with those three simple words that he finally lets the air he’d kept inside his lung rush out. He gives a breathy laugh with it,  
  
“What?” he asks and Dan grins again,  
  
“You like Muse,” he says more of a statement than a question this time. “You were listening to Muse when we came in. You like them?”  
  
Phil is a little dumbfounded for a moment, stunned in a second at how natural Dan seems to be acting; there’s no dancing around what happened last night, as if their lips hadn’t brushed against each other in a ghost of an almost kiss – whether it was intentional or not. Dan’s picking up conversation like nothing had happened in those few hours ago, like he’d taken that chunk of time and erased it, and now he was just carrying on like it hadn’t happened.  
  
Maybe that was for the best. Maybe it would be easier to just pretend it hadn’t ever happened, and maybe Phil could forget it too, if he tried as hard as Dan was.  
  
“I love Muse,” Phil finally says and Dan’s face seems to light up at the confirmation. “They’re pretty amazing, huh?”  
  
Dan nods enthusiastically, “Bloody brilliant. Those vocals are something else,” he says in awe and Phil can’t help the small giggle escape his lips, and Dan joins him.  
  
“I mean, it’s a tough competition between me and Matt when I’m washing the dishes,” Phil jokes with a serious tone and Dan laughs again, giving a little snort as he does so.  
  
“Oh yeah, those were some incredible vocals you were busting out. Truly amazing,” he jokes back and Phil smiles into his coffee as he takes a sip.  
  
There’s a stretch of silence that pulls out as the pair sit and sip their coffee on Phil’s couch when there’s a sudden shriek followed by laughter coming down the hall from Ethan’s room that has both men turning their heads for a moment.  
  
“Thanks for bringing him back, by the way,” Phil finally speaks once they’ve listened out to the sounds of both children playing around in the background of the apartment.  
  
“It was no worries. I was kinda hoping I’d get the chance to come by sometime anyways,” Dan says with another quick sip of his coffee.  
  
There it is again; Dan throwing Phil off track again. One moment he’s pretending that things never happened between them, never mind how insignificant, and the next he’s saying subtle things such as that. Why would he need to come to Phil’s apartment? It baffles Phil at how different Dan can be at times. Constantly on a new frequency that Phil feels he can’t keep up with most of the time.  
  
Subconsciously his eyes wander down to Dan’s hands and where they’re wrapped around the Adventure Time mug Phil gave him. A bare finger where a ring once lay mocks him once more. Nothing makes any sense and it’s makes Phil frustrated almost.  
  
He looks back up at Dan who gives him a small smile and anger fizzles out. He can’t really be mad at Dan, not for nothing at least. Maybe he’ll be mad about Dan not mentioning their almost-kiss, but then again he really wouldn’t want him to suddenly bring it up right now – he’d have no idea what to say or do. Would he confess that maybe he’s intrieged by Dan and the person he is, and that maybe he has a little bit of a stupid dumb crush on him or would he laugh it all off and blame the wine that barely touched the sides of his brain to warp his decisions like it should have done that night?  
  
And what if Dan wanted the same thing? What if in some bizarre universe Dan perhaps liked Phil back, and Phil pushed him away with a false laugh and false smile and an excuse? But what if Phil told Dan how he felt and it upset Dan?  
  
Fuck, he didn’t even know if Dan liked _guys_. For all Phil knew he could be sat across from a giant homophobe. But as soon as the idea is born in his brain he shakes it away almost immediately; there’s no way someone as sweet and nice as Dan is, someone who had his lips almost touch his last night, could be that much of an asshole. Not to Phil at least, and he was holding out on that.  
  
“You left a bunch of fortune cookies at my house last night,” Dan suddenly blurts out and it rips Phil from his own head and he frows, confused for a moment before realizing what Dan’s going on about.  
  
“I promised you fortune cookies and I felt like maybe you didn’t get that exactly,” he adds quietly and Phil can feel his heart begin to pick up speed against his ribs at just the mere thought of having to talk about last night, and now that Dan was in fact bringing it up, would he mention the kiss? The almost-kiss that could have happened if Phil had leaned just a little further?  
  
Dan clears his throat, “So if you wanna, I dunno, you wanna get together again –“ he pauses, like he’s not sure what to say next, before speaking again, “for the boys too. If you wanna get the boys together we can maybe figure something out,” Dan says, words rushed from his mouth and his gaze averted from looking at Phil, and instead down on a seemingly more interesting strip of flooring that he’s fixated on.  
  
Phil swallows down the rest of his coffee with a hum. “Sure,” he says. “That’ll be nice.”

Once again Phil isn’t sure where he stands. He’s not sure what this all means, whether this is Dan backing off and wanting nothing more but a dad-to-dad friendship for the sake of both their sons. Or if it’s some sort of truce, like a step forward for them to figure out what happened.  
  
Either way, Phil wishes there was an easier way to have it all sorted. He wishes he could ask Dan what the ring on his finger that disappears and appears when necessary means to him. Ask him why he really moved from his hometown of Reading to here in London with no school in place for his son. Ask him what’s going on with him and who he really is, because right now, he might as well have a stranger on his couch.  
  
Dan finishes the rest of his coffee, tipping his head back and slurping it down. “Cheers for the coffee by the way. Remind me to get you some of the actual nice stuff, I’ll change your life, I promise,” Dan winks as he stands to take his cup to the sink in the kitchen.  
  
Phil neither replies nor gets up to follow him, instead stays sat on his couch with those last few words echoing in his head.  
  
_“I’ll change your life, I promise.”_  
  
And whether it be about coffee or life in general, Phil doesn’t doubt that Dan’s statement was wrong in any way. He’s certain about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	13. Chapter 13

When Phil gets into work that next Monday morning, his head doesn’t feel any more clearer. In fact, he’s sure he’s only more confused.

He’d spent the last of the weekend in a Bumpies, deciding that if he was going to miserable, he might as well let his son enjoy his Sunday, and so Phil had been left alone in the cafe area of a ball pit, surrounded screaming children and the smell of wet nappies, puke and undercooked chicken nuggets, sipping his Slushie as he tried to have at least one coherent thought about the whole Dan situation.

But that hadn’t worked and now as he made his way to his desk, he shoved all the questions to the back of his mind once he saw Jimmy cross the room towards him.

For now, he’d decided to keep his ordeal to himself, but knowing Jimmy, he’d pry and try and get his fingernails under Phil until he cracked and revealed all his thoughts and secrets, so when Jimmy sets down a steaming cup of coffee that Phil guesses is bribery along with,

“What’s up with you?”

Phil throws him off easily, telling him about something totally fake and boring sounding about school and Ethan, and once he starts rambling his own lie, Jimmy grows disinterested rather quickly, offers him a small smile and returns back to his desk, much to Phil’s joy.

He loves Jimmy, but if he had to explain it all to him, he’s not sure how he would. He’s not even sure where to start. As much as he hates keeping secrets from probably the closest friend he has, it’s what feels like the best decision.

He bigs himself down in work, hoping that the bright screen of his editing software will help distract him from the inside clogs of his brain that won’t stop turning - and it works for a while, until his phone buzzes on his desk, vibrating far too loudly and he picks it up with his heart in his throat, fearful for a moment, until he flips the screen and sees his mother’s  face and name instead.

He sighs a breath of relief.

He’ll have to call her later on his break, although he’s sure he knows what it’ll be about - he was supposed to book those tickets to go see her soon, and he knows she’ll hound him about him making sure she’s able to see her only grandchild this summer.

He shoots her a quick text, just so she knows he’s not being rude on purpose,

_**phil:** hey can’t talk right now, call u at lunch? _

Within a span of a few minutes once Phil’s turned back to his work, his phone buzzes again and he sees the replies in copious amounts of emojis and thumbs up, a sign that his mum is good with that. He smiles to himself, suddenly feeling a little more excited to book his tickets tonight - he’s missed his parents, especially his mum, and maybe a short break away will help clear his head, especially down where the air is clear and the sea salt in the atmosphere will help things feel fresher.

He’s able to concentrate on his work, and when Jimmy gets bored again and makes himself at home beside Phil’s desk as he bounces from subject to subject, mostly about Tom or their out of control drinking habits and the stories he has saved from different clubs and pubs, Phil happily listens along, laughing at funny parts and telling Jimmy off when he tells him a story of how last weekend he wasn’t sure there was a minute in the day he was actually sober, and just before their boss can come out of hiding and find Jimmy skipping off his work, he offers Phil to join them perhaps, much like he always does. And for once, Phil actually agrees. It’s been too long since he got drunk and had fun that wasn’t in his own living room purely out of nerves because he was about to hook up with somebody.

Jimmy was his friend and it was about time Phil maybe made some time for him.

He watches jimmy happily bounce back to his desk with the promise that Phil will tag along to one of his crazy vodka nights, and Phil feels like his head is a lot less muddled than it was this morning, or yesterday or even Friday.

Things don’t seem so bad; he’s going to book his plane tickets to see his parents in a couple of weeks, he’ll go out with Jimmy and feel like a proper adult for once, and for once work isn’t giving him a headache.

Everything's falling into place.

Then, his phone buzzes, and he assumes it’s his mum again, maybe a plethora of other emojis she’s since discovered in the last half an hour since she last texted, and Phil picks his phone up with a smile, expecting maybe a few cowboy ones or maybe a spam of different heart shaped ones - but his smile drops and his stomach swoops when he sees that it’s not in fact a text from his mum.

It’s a text from Dan.

_**dan** : hi you free for dinner tonight? _

And suddenly, it seems to fall apart again.

*

He’s agreed to dinner; he’s not sure why, but when he picks up Ethan from school, he made quick plans for him to be dropped off at his brothers, which he agrees to, and Ethan squeals in excitement and Phil leaves in a rush without neither Martyn nor Cornelia having a clue what’s happening. Phil will have to repay them somehow, maybe he’ll buy their tickets for Isle of Man - that sounds fair enough.

Dan had texted him and told him to come by his house at the time he’d told him, leaving Phil enough time to get home, get ready and get to Dan’s.

He strips off his clothes and jumps into the shower - not that he’s desperate for one, but it feels better when he’s washed away a full days worth of sweat and grime from being sat in his work clothes all day, and it’s a relief to have his armpits smelling a little fresher than they were moments ago. Not that it matters.

He settles on just a regular pair of jeans and he pauses when he looks through the collection of jumpers, t-shirts and shirts he has.

He’s not sure what Dan will be wearing but he shakes his head and grabs at a pink and white jumper and pulls it over his damp head.

It doesn’t matter what Dan is wearing, because this isn’t a date. It’s just dinner, between friends.

Just friends.

Once he’s brushed his teeth, spent a stupid amount of time trying to sort his hair out and switched his contacts for his glasses he’s out the door and in the car.

He doesn’t bother using google maps this time and maybe he should be ashamed that he’s memorised Dan’s home address from his own, but he reminds himself harshly that he is the father of his sons friend, and it’s perfectly normal to know where they live.

There’s nothing wrong with that at all.

He realises he hasn’t got enough thinking time to go through what he’s going to say or do because before he knows it he’s pulling up on Dan’s drive beside Dan’s car like it belongs there, and he can’t hide inside here forever because he watches the porch light flash on and the door opens.

Now Phil knows for certain he can’t hide behind his wheel, and when Dan beams at him, Phil unbuckles his seat and reminds himself inside his head that he’d always had the option to have told Dan he was busy tonight and not come at all.

But he’s here, and there’s no backing out now.

He takes a breath, not too long for it to look weird, before opening the door and getting out the car.

“Hey!” Dan exclaims loudly as Phil locks his car and walks briskly to the door towards Dan.

His cheeks are flushed red and his smile is wide and goofy.

Is he… drunk?

“Hey,” Phil nods awkwardly and Dan smiles at him before stepping aside for Phil to come inside.

"Thanks for coming,” he tells him and Phil nods again as he’s led inside to the familiar hallway, until they reach the kitchen where a bottle of wine sits on the table, half empty already with a dirty looking glass.

Yep. Drunk.

“Dan-“ Phil goes to speak, to maybe ask if he’s okay, but Dan just speaks over him.

“Can I get you something to drink? Wine? Red or white?”

Phil doesn’t even get a chance to speak before Dan already pours him a generous glass of red, passing it to Phil harder than probably intended as it sloshes dangerously at the sides and up to the rim.

He watches carefully as Dan pours his own glass.

“Cheers,” he says, clinking glasses with Phil before pouring half the glass down his neck, slapping his lips where they’re stained red.

Phil doesn’t touch his, and instead sets it down gingerly on the table.

“Dan, are you okay?” He asks. Things may be complicated with Dan, but he’s still his friend, and right now he’s slightly concerned.

He’s sure there’s a difference between Jimmy’s club drinking with his boyfriend and Dan’s wine drinking alone in his own house.

Dan frowns, then laughs brashly, startling Phil a little.

“Of course I’m okay!” He laughs and Phil frowns again, not quite believing it.

“We’re celebrating!” Dan tells him before finishing off his glass and going in for another.

Phil thinks he should stop him but he’s not sure he could if he tried.

“What are we celebrating?”

Dan looks at him after he’s set the almost empty bottle down.

“Just life,” he slurs his words a little as raises his glass again.

But as he’s about to bring it to his lips, Phil takes it carefully for him, and to Phil’s surprise, he gives it up rather easily.

“Right, okay,” he says as he puts the glass down out of his reach. “But if you continue like this you won’t have a life to celebrate.”

Dan snorts a laugh. “Boring.”

Phil’s stomach twists. He’s not sure what to do, or why he even came here in the first place; everything feels off and he wants to snap his fingers and go back to hours ago when things felt a bit better. But instead he’s stood in Dan’s kitchen watching him get drunk for whatever reason.

“Noah got into school,” Dan says out of nowhere, quietly.

Phil feels his face pull into an actual smile.

“Really?” He asks and Dan nods.

“Yeah. I didn’t get a chance to talk to.. to uh,”

“Natalie,” Phil fills in for him and Dan nods.

“Yep, that’s the one. I didn’t talk to Natalie but someone put me through to somebody else and they didn’t think he’d get into mainstream school and they kept going on about bullshit specialist schools until I got angry and-“ Dan pauses to give a bitter laugh,

“And somehow he got in. He got in, Phil. My kid is going to school in September.”

He looks as if he’s about to cry, he sounds like it too, and it starts to make a little more sense to Phil as to why Dan may have been drinking before the sun went down, but he smiles nonetheless.

“That’s fantastic, Dan, I’m so happy for you.”

He is. He feels kinda floaty in the inside.

Dan grins at him with watery eyes.

“The perfect thing to celebrate with too much wine and dinner,” Phil jokes and Dan laughs until his face falls.

“Fuck. Oh fuck. I said I had dinner didn’t I?” He swears, resting his palm against his forehead.

Phil laughs and shakes his head.

“Red Dragon?” He asks and Dan looks up at him with a look he can’t describe but just something of understanding.

“Red Dragon.” He replies.

*

Twenty minutes later and after Phil has dashed in and out of the chinese takeaway, yet again in his lifetime, he’s back on Dan’s couch this time as they share out their food, sipping slowly this time on red.

In the time it took for Phil to get the food and come back, Dan seems to have sobered up a bit, but Phil doesn’t mention it, and instead cracks into the tupperware box of chicken noodles and scoops a forkful onto his plate.

“Thanks again for getting the food,” Dan says once he’s stuffed a pork ball into his mouth. “I feel like a right twat.”

Phil laughs and pushes the rice around on his plate.

“It’s okay, getting drunk isn’t a sin, Dan,” Phil jokes and Dan does a breathy high pitched laugh in return.

“I dunno. You’d have to ask my grandma; she’s the religious one in my family,” Dan says with a false tone of seriousness in his voice.

Phil tenses a little; it’s the first he’s heard Dan ever mention his family outside of himself and Noah, but like a wild animal, he doesn’t wanna spook him, so he reaches for his untouched glass of wine and takes a steady sip.

“Oh,” Phil finally speaks once he’s swallowed it down, “did you not follow in her footsteps then?” he asks curiously.

Dan snorts, “Nope. Although, she does love me still, even if I did used to Roth Sunday School for drama classes in the end.”

Phil smiles at him, chewing down some of his rice. “You did drama?” He asks and Dan simply ducks his head and lets out a flustered laugh.

“Unfortunately, yeah,” he tells him. “I was actually kinda good at it but that’s way too embarrassing to talk about.”

Phil shrugs his shoulders as he twirls a bunch of noodles around on his fork, “You’re a man of many mysteries, Dan Howell.”

Phil watches in the corner of his eye where Dan sits beside him, look up at him, before looking back at his plate.

“What about you then?” Dan says, breaking the growing silence.

“I never went to drama school. I have no secrets,” Phil says playfully and Dan rolls his eyes.

“I mean, did you do any clubs as a kid? And I’m sure you do, actually.”

Phil shifts in his seat, his plate wobbling in his lap slightly.

“Never any school clubs, although I did like to make my own with my friends. Those were pretty hard times for me on the popularity scale,” Phil says, thinking back for a moment on his childhood years spent running around streets with his gaggle of friends in tail just messing about.

Dan hums, like he’s actually listening. “That’s actually nice though. I wish I had that as a kid.”

Phil looks at him, watches him stab his fork in some chicken.

“Where did you say you grew up again?”

Dan looks up from his plate. “Just some place out of Reading. Was a shit hole if I’m being honest,” he laughs at the end.

Good, Phil thinks. He likes Dan more when he’s being honest.

“Small towns are weird. My village was nice but you get to a place like London and they feel so insignificant afterwards, don’t they?” Phil says and Dan nods.

“Yeah.”

They eat in silence for a while, before Dan grabs for the wine bottle again and this time Phil doesn’t feel a need to maybe stop him. He fills his glass up, and tops Phil’s up too.

When he leans back in his seat, he has his glass in one hand and a grin on his face.

“How well do you bode with drinking games?”

Phil groans and sets down his fork, before gently placing his finished dinner onto the coffee table,

“Oh god,” is all he says and Dan laughs.

“It’s okay - it’s not the worst game, in fact it’s quite fun,” Dan says, voice sounding like he’s trying to convince him to play, and Phil agrees once he’s picked up his glass.

“Alright,” Dan starts. “Let’s say I’m starting. I have to guess something about you. If I’m right you have to drink. If I’m wrong, I have to drink - we can take it in turns but that’s the basic rules.”

Phil blinks at him before his face cracks into a wide smile.

“You stole that,” he laughs at him.

Dan looks confused. “What?”

“You stole that,” Phil repeats. “That’s the drinking game they play on Game of Thrones,” Phil tells him with a giggle and Dan’s face brightens into a smile.

“In that case, my guess first - you watch Game of Thrones. Drink.”

Phil gives him a sly look, smile not diminishing as he takes a large gulp of his wine.

“My go?” He asks, licking his lips and Dan shakes his head,

“Not yet, I wanna get some sort of streak going.”

Phil rolls his eyes fondly.

“Okay, you have… a brother.”

“Crap.” Phil takes another gulp, and Dan makes a sound of glee.

“I’m sure I’ve mentioned my brother before,” Phil says, trying to defend himself but Dan shakes his head with a small giggle.

“Rules are rules,” he simply says and Phil just leans into the sofa.

“Next one. You’re definitely more of a dog person than a cat person,”

Phil blinks at him for a moment, trying to see if he’s really reading his mind, before tipping the rest of his wine into his mouth. It burns on the way down and churns in his stomach with the remind he has work tomorrow but he smiles nonetheless when he hears Dan laugh giddily beside him.

“Mind reader,” Phil teases and Dan shrugs his shoulders as he reaches forward and fills his now empty glass a little more.

“My turn,” Phil says before Dan can say anything and Dan agrees with a hum.

There’s a lot Phil wants to say. But Dan has asked him stupid silly questions, just for fun. It wouldn’t be fair for him to jump straight in with the big questions that rest on his mind all the time.

He realises Dan’s staring at him deeply, and he comes up with something silly to begin with.

“You got almost every lead role at drama class. Bet you were really loud and obnoxious about it,” Phil starts off. It’s jokey and fun and Dan grins.

“Fuck,” he mutters and takes a large swig of his drink. Phil feels kind of proud, actually.

“Next. You, uh, you, you also have a brother,” Phil tried, reusing one of Dan’s questions, only to be surprised when Dan takes another drink,

“Younger. Kind of an asshole. Vegan, mountain climbing kind of shit,” Dan tells him and Phil splutters a laugh.

“I don’t think we’d get along then,” Phil says and Dan laughs too, looking at the mess of their dinner on the table.

“I don’t think so,” Dan smiles. “Go on, last question, ask me anything, Lester.”

Phil feels his heart stammer in his chest. He licks his tongue along his lips, tasting the faint traces of wine and chicken, and he’s not sure if it’s the alcohol in his head or the fact that Dan’s staring at him like that, but he opens his mouth and says,

“You’re getting a divorce.”

Silence. Now he feels like a twat. Dan simply blinks at him, as if the words just hang in the air, and Phil wishes desperately that they did so he could grab them and shove them back into his big gob and not ruin what was a nice moment.

He’s about to apologise, blame it on the wine and maybe excuse himself, but instead Dan makes a small laugh and Phil is blinking at him.

“Well go on then,” Dan finally speaks, and Phil says nothing.

“You remember the rules. You have to drink mate.”

Phil is left confused for a moment, until his mind rewinds to the few minutes ago where Dan explained the rules and it clicks of him.

Dan _isn’t_ getting a divorce. He was wrong.

He takes a small sip of his wine, he feels awkward and silly and he want to apologise but he’s not sure how.

Dan laughs again, throwing Phil off, yet again.

“It’s okay, you know. I was kinda hoping you’d ask me more real questions but that’s - that was stupid, I’m sorry,” Dan says with a shake of his head, swirling the rest of his wine around his glass.

Phil shakes his head frantically. “No, no, I’m sorry - that was, that was too personal and not okay, I’m-“

But Dan cuts him off once he rests his hand against Phil’s thigh. The simplest of touches and he can feel almost every nerve in his body begin to burn. He wonders if Dan can feel it too.

“Look, Phil - you’re right. I am a man of many mysteries,” he says using his other hand to wave around, “but right now, things for me are… complicated, and right now I do really enjoy having you around in my life. Noah’s too. It’s just, difficult to explain right now. Can you understand that?”

His voice drips heavy with emotion, yet comes across so strong. When Phil stares into those deep brown eyes he feels like he’s being pulled in closer and closer.

He nods and swallows thickly. “Yeah,” he croaks, “of course.”

There’s a beat of silence that doesn’t feel weird or uncomfortable, and Dan leaves his hand against Phil’s jeans, resting heavily against his leg like it belonged there, until Dan’s phone buzzes on the arm of the sofa and he’s pulling away to look at it. It’s then that Phil remembers he needs to breathe.

“Oh, just my grandma,” he says with a chuckle as he reads what Phil guesses is a text. “Noah’s having a sleepover at hers tonight and he wants me to call him and say goodnight,” he grins as he types at his phone.

Phil smiles before his heart drops and he shoots up off his seat.

“Crap!” he exclaims and Dan’s stopped what he’s doing to stare up at him in bewilderment.

“What’s wrong?” Dan asks, sounding concerned.

Phil slaps his palm to his head, “I was supposed to book those bloody plane tickets! Oh god I bet my phone is dead too, my mum’s gonna kill me if-“

“Phil,” Dan speaks calmly, and Phil hadn’t even noticed he’d stood up too. “Do you need to borrow my laptop?” he asks sweetly.

Phil feels the air rush comfortably back in his lungs as he looks at Dan’s kind face, and nods,

“Please.”

*

Dan leaves the room to go make the quick ten minute phone call to his grandma and son, leaving Phil in the living room with his laptop to quickly dig through the internet in hopes of finding cheap, last minute plane tickets for next weekend from London to the Isle of Man. 

His patience is wearing thin when he’s only able to find business class tickets; far too expensive for the four tickets he needs, and eventually the only reasonable price he can find is for one singular ticket.

Just his luck.

He hangs his head in his hands just as Dan renters the room.

“Any luck?” He asks, sounding hopeful.

Phil groans into his hands. “They’re all sold out. I’m a dead man,” he says looking up at where Dan joins in on the couch again.

“Kath is gonna kill me,” he frowns.

Dan tuts and takes the laptop from Phil’s legs and pulls it onto his.

“No she isn’t. It’s the Isle of Man, right?” he says as he already begins typing away and Phil hums sadly.

“Yep. But you won’t find any spare planes that’ll have room for four extra people,” he tells him but Dan shakes his head, not looking away from the screen.

“You won’t need a spare plane,” he tells him simply as he turns to face him. “Look. A ferry leaves early Friday morning.”

Phil frowns, he’s never taken the ferry before.

“I think you’d probably have to drive to Heysham port which is,” he pauses to open another tab and type something in, “a four hour drive, then you have the ferry ride which is four hours,” he adds, looking at Phil.

Phil feels that tight feeling in his chest. The good kind, this time.

“When does it leave?” Phil asks, voice still sounding croaky.

Dan glances back at the screen. “Well this one here leaves at around ten in the morning, so you’d probably wanna leave London around five or six,” Dan tells him with a nod. “It’d get you to your parents around two-ish,” he smiles.

Phil could kiss him. He wants to, but instead he reaches forward and places his hand on Dan’s shoulder,

“Thank you, Dan,” he smiles.

Dan smiles back. “Any time.”

*

Phil books the ferry, a heavy weight being lifted off his chest and he thanks Dan again for the wine and the chinese and the help, and Dan won’t stop smiling at him with those damn dimples, telling him it was nothing.

Eventually the time rolls and Phil is reminded by the dark sky outside that he should collect his son and head home for bed, before he turns into another Jimmy - a hungover office dwelling zombie.

As he slips on his shoes by the front door he quickly calls his brother to let him know he’s on his way to come get Ethan.

“Oh, Martyn!” Phil says excitedly on the phone before he hangs up, excited to tell him the good news that he’s already bought all their tickets,

“I got yours and Cornelia’s tickets for the Isle of Man next week,” he grins over at Dan who gives him a thumbs up. “Consider it a thank you for today.”

There’s a small silence over the line and then Martyn gives a weak laugh,

“Oh. Phil, that’s - that’s so kind of you, but didn’t mum tell you? I’m caught up in work next week and Cornelia’s flying back to Sweden for some cousins birthday thing. I don’t think we’re coming, mate.”

Phil blinks. “Oh.”

“Sorry Phil,” Martyn apologises, and he does sound genuine. His brother always is, but Phil doesn’t dwell on it too much. Or at least, he tries not to.

“It’s okay. It’s okay,” Phil assures him. “I’ll figure something out,” he tells him.

Martyn apologises again but Phil tells him not to worry and they say their goodbyes and hang up.

Dan watches him from where he’s leaned up against the wall.

“You good?” he asks with a raise of his brow.

Phil looks at his phone, his phone lights up with the confirmation tickets he’d just purchased. All four of them. Two now that were useless.

He looks up at Dan, then back at the phone, then back at Dan.

Surely, he’s not drunk enough for what comes out of his mouth next, is he?

“Come to the Isle of Man with me?” he blurts out.

Dan looks stunned, and this time, Phil doesn’t care if the words hang in the air. He lets them.

Besides, it’s too late to say anything now, because Dan lets out a shaky laugh and nods.

“Okay. Sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	14. Chapter 14

Phil has no idea what he’s doing, but whatever it is, he guesses it can’t be too bad.

When he leaves Dan’s house, he promises to text him later and keep him up to date on things, and Dan makes Phil promise he’ll ask his parents if it’s okay for him and Noah to tag along to this family trip.

But Phil isn’t sure he can.

When he later picks Ethan up from Martyn, his brother answers the door with a child barrelling into him for a hug.

“Any idea what you’ll do with the other tickets? Think you can refund them?” Martyn asks, handing over Ethan’s backpack.

Phil shrugs. “Dunno yet, I’ll let you know when I figure something out,” he lies and quickly after Martyn says his goodbyes to the pair and Phil is back in the car towards home.

Of course, he does know what he’s going to do with the extra booking to the Isle of Man because he’s already offered them away to Dan.

Ethan almost falls asleep in the car on the way home and once they’re through the door back in the apartment he’s practically hanging off of Phil like some kind of baby monkey.

He’s able to dress him for bed, tuck him in with a kiss; grateful that Cornelia had apparently whipped up some quick spaghetti for his dinner, and once his little head hits the pillow he’s fast asleep.

In a way, Phil is excited to tell him that Noah’s coming along - he doubts Martyn even told him he’d booked the tickets, so he’ll wait until morning at breakfast to tell him over their cereal that he’s got the day off school on Friday to go visit grandma and grandpa on a long weekend to his favourite place.

Phil smiles to himself as he shuts the door to his room and slips back to his own room.

It’s late and he’s tired and tomorrow he’ll have to let Natalie know that they’ll be gone for the weekend, and possibly get her to lie to the school that Ethan is sick or something just to get away with something so short notice and close to the beginnings of the summer holidays.

Once he’s stripped off his jeans and in the comfort of his pyjamas, Phil can’t stop smiling, not until he’s finally falling into a deep peaceful sleep.

*

Phil calls the swimming pool place the morning after and tells them Ethan won’t be attending his swim class that Friday, to which the young sounding receptionist tells him that’s fine and reminds him that he’s on a termly payment plan and won’t be having any money refunded to him, which Phil knew anyways - he guesses it’s something she has to say, and probably gets an earful of angry parents demanding wasted money back to her day in, day out.

He wonders if Dan has already spoken to this very receptionist; phoned up and said the same thing:  _ hello? My son won’t be attending his class on Friday. _

Because the four of them would be on their way to the Isle of Man instead. It feels rather strange.

Just as Phil is filling two bowls up with cereal, just as planned in his head last night, he hands Ethan’s bowl over the breakfast bar with a wide grin.

“Guess what?” He smiles, and Ethan shovels a spoonful of cereal into his mouth, milk dribbling down his chin.

“What?” he asks, interested piqued.

“We’re seeing grandma and grandpa on Friday,” Phil tells him, watching the way his eyes light up excitedly.

But before he can even swallow the cereal in his mouth, Phil tells him the other good news.

“And Dan and Noah are coming with us? Isn’t that fun?” he adds.

Ethan nearly knocks his spoon out of his bowl as he flies off his seat,

“Serious?” he exclaims, little eyes wide.

Phil laughs and nods. “Yep. And we’re getting on a boat this time, that’ll be cool, huh?”

Ethan seems to process all this information at once and short circuit his little brain because he lunges forward to wrap himself around Phil in a tight hug, this time his elbow catches onto his spoon that leaps out the bowl with splattering of milk going all over.

But Phil doesn’t care. He hugs Ethan back tight.

“You excited?” Phil asks, lips against the top of his head nestled in his hair.

Ethan nods. “So excited.”

Phil laughs and ruffles the top of his head playfully.

“Come on then,” he says, peeling himself away from him. “Get ready for school, we gotta tell mum about you having a day off on Friday.”

Ethan squeezes him tighter at that.

*

Phil is surprised he’s actually managed to get everything in order. Tomorrow is Friday and he’s spent the last couple of days getting ready for their trip tomorrow. Swimming is off, he’ll call in for Ethan sick tomorrow and he’s sent in a holiday form for work giving him the Friday and the Monday free.

He’s been texting Dan back and forth about plans and what they’ll need and it seems like Dan’s up to catch with everything, even texting him a picture of Noah’s little backpack for cuteness.

The only thing that Phil had failed to do, was mention to anyone that Dan was actually coming.

Martyn has texted Phil some time ago asking Phil if he owed him anything for the tickets, but Phil had brushed it off, not wanting to explain why he never ended up getting them refunded.

He’s called his mum to tell her they’re coming and she’s been thrilled to hear she’d be reunited with her youngest son and only grandchild so soon.

Phil had missed out the big detail that they weren’t the only ones she’d be greeting on her doorstep.

He lies to Dan and tells him that his parents are perfectly okay with them coming along and surprisingly Dan takes it and believes it. He asks if he should bring Kath and Nigel anything nice as some sort of gift, and Phil considers it - maybe a peace offering from Dan wouldn’t be such a bad idea if everything goes wrong - but he tells him not to worry and that it’ll be okay.

Mainly because Phil needs to hear it himself the most.

By Thursday night Ethan won’t calm down. He’s bouncing off the walls, giddy with excitement, mainly because Phil had told him they’d have to get up in the middle of the night to make it to the ferry in time, and after that the eight year old wouldn’t stop blabbering on about the “secret night time adventure” they were going to have.

Phil makes last minute checks. He has the email on his phone to get it, their bags are packed and by the door, he thought about maybe packing a bag of sandwiches, but somehow a nice drive thru lunch sounds better than day old ham sandwiches, so he clears his fridge just in case, packs some drinks and is sure the car tank is full.

He takes Ethan to bed, he’s sure he won’t sleep really, not when he’s this excited, and after a kiss and goodnight, Phil decides to turn in early too; he has a long day of driving tomorrow, and whilst he isn’t the worst driver in the world, he doesn’t thing being dead tired will be any kind of advantage.

So he checks his phone a last time, then as he slips into bed he sends out a quick one to Dan in a whim.

_**phil:** heading to bed - see u tomorrow!!_

He falls asleep before he sees a reply.

*

“You sure you want to drive all the way?” Dan whispers gently beside him.

They’re out on his drive, the sun is still set, leaving the sky a blue velvet above them, and the time reads somewhere around half four in the morning.

Phil checks the trunk of the car one last time, definitely counting four small bags, before shutting it softly against the quietness that shrouds the rest of the street.

“Honestly, I’m the one dragging you along, just get in the car will you?” Phil replies with a breathy laugh, and Dan laughs back too.

“Wouldn’t call it dragging me along, but sure,” he gives in, going back to double check his door is locked, and once he’s sure he’s climbing into the passenger's seat beside Phil.

In the back, both boys are sound asleep.

Phil had woken Ethan this morning, excited to see the sky still dark, he’d rambled on and on whilst getting ready, about how much fun it was to be awake when you were supposed to be asleep, but as soon as he’d gotten into the car and the engine started, his head had tipped back and he had quickly fallen back asleep - seemingly the same with Noah too.

Phil looks at them both in his mirror as Dan buckled himself into his seat.

“Ready?” Dan speaks in a hushed tone and Phil nods, starting the car up and pulling away from the drive.

He sees the house disappear from his rear view as he rolls down the street, and thinks about how perhaps next time he’s here, things might be a little different. Just maybe.

In no time they make it out the neighbourhood and with the soft voice of the sat nav lady, Phil gets onto the motorway, grateful for the long stretch of straight road he only had to follow for the next four hours.

Dan tries to talk to him, voice quiet enough not to wake the boys, but eventually he stops and Phil turns his head away from the road to see that he too has fallen asleep.

The radio is turned all the way down and all that Phil can hear is the sound of fast wheels beneath them, with the occasional sound of traffic moving around them.  

He only has to turn up the air con just slightly to keep himself awake; the cool air almost blasts into his eyes, forcing them open to stare at the boring road ahead of him. But it works.

A few times he’ll hear somebody stir, but they fall back asleep again, leaving Phil to his own thoughts.

It’s weird, he thinks. He remembers being perhaps Ethan’s age, back when they’d drive to France and he’d fall asleep in the backseat of the car, head on his brothers shoulder, and when he’d wake blearily for a moment he’d watch his father drive silently whilst his mum slept in the next seat over.

It’s weird, that this feels like that somehow; just a little different.

He lets himself enjoy the silence, save for the hum of the engine and the occasional ticking of the indicator on his dash as he weaves from lane to lane past slow moving lorries that trug along the long motorway.

It’s completely silence inside the car. That is, until Ethan blearily wakes, complaining that he’s hungry, which sets Noah off, and eventually Dan wakes too.

Phil catches him wiping the drool from his face quickly with the back of his hand.

“Crap. Sorry, I fell asleep,” Dan murmurs, and Phil ignores how gravelly his voice is when he’s just woken up.

Phil grips the wheel a little tighter and smiles at him, “S’okay. You looked tired,” Phil nods at him and Dan double wipes his mouth, looking a little horrified at himself that he’d drooled in his sleep.

“Besides, the sun is up and I need to find somewhere that does coffee,” Phil adds with a short laugh.

His eyes are beginning to burn with no sleep along side the blasts of cool air they’ve been subjected to for the last hour.

Dan hums sleepily before stretching his long arms as much as he can.

He twists in his seat to look in the back and Phil watches in the mirror.

“You need a wee, Noah?” Dan asks and Noah nods.

Noah had his hearing aid on the side of his head, able to hear the sleepy mumblings of Dan’s words a lot clearer than if he were just lip reading.

Dan nods and turns to Phil. “You passed any stations yet?” He asks.

Phil shakes his head, “I don’t think we have for a while,” he tells him. He’s sure it’s been a good half an hour since he last passed something along this road.

“I’ll keep an eye out, yeah?” Dan says, but it’s not much of a question when he leans his head on the window and stares out at what rushes past them as Phil continues to speed along the road.

Eventually they see a few signs for a place to pull into, and once Ethan catches sight of the bright bold yellow arches that signify what he’s most excited about, Phil feels to tired to argue when there’s a chanting for McDonalds in the back seat from two hungry, tired yet excitable children.

Even Dan sits up a little once they’re off the motorway and pulling up to the line of cars for the drive thru; the smell of burgers growing stronger.

Phil ends up paying, which he didn’t mind as he’d watched Dan frantically search for his wallet only to remember it was in his backpack in the boot of the car, and once Phil had handed his own card over, Dan simply tells him that he’ll have to repay him somehow in other instances of food.

To Phil, that sounds totally worth the £30 of fast food he just forked over to the woman at the window.

They park up and dig into their food. Ethan and Noah excitedly rip out the crappy little toys they’ve received in their happy meal boxes whilst Phil enjoys his coffee, feeling that sweet caffeine pump back into his blood, jolting his brain back awake.

“God,” Dan groans as he dips his chicken nugget into the packets of sauces he’s seem to have hoarded. “Why is it that the worst foods taste the best?”

Phil laughs whilst throwing a handful of small fries in his mouth. “I reckon there’s some addictive drug in these,” he says, nodding to the fries that he’s been eating one after the other. “At least, I keep telling myself that so I have an excuse for pigging out before a weekend of Katy’s healthy cooking.”

Dan looks up, mid chew, “Yeah?”

Phil hums, before glancing in the mirror at Ethan who is happily drinking up his milkshake.

“Ethan,” Phil says getting his attention to look at him, “who’s cooking is better? Mine or grandmas?”

Ethan doesn’t even need time to think about his answer before he’s grinning devilishly,

“Grandma, 100%.”

Dan laughs as he chows down on more nuggets.

“It’s okay - do you remember what I did to the pasta, Noah?” Dan turns head to look back at Noah who looks at him, then gives a little giggle.

“You made fire!” He laughs, which makes Ethan laugh too.

“You set fire to pasta?” Phil asks with a curve of his brow and Dan ducks his head down in shame, but his shoulders bounce with a laugh.

“Uh huh. I didn’t know you were supposed to add water to the pan…” he says quietly as he chews on a fry.

Phil sputters out a laugh, “Oh my god, Dan, you didn’t know you were supposed to add water?!” he laughs, his voice inching higher and higher and Dan’s laughing along too.

“I know. Rubbish I am, aren’t I Noah?” Dan says, giving his son a little pout, but Noah nods his head confidently and Dan gives a dramatic gasp of shock that makes both children giggle.

“Ouch!” Dan says in a high voice, putting his hand over his chest. “Don’t be mean to your dad, otherwise you’ll be living of burnt crispy pasta for the rest of your life - remember, I’m the only parent you’ve got.”

It’s supposed to be a joke. The words are supposed to have left his mouth and for the kids to laugh again and Phil to join in.

But Noah doesn’t laugh, instead he blinks at Dan with big brown eyes and Dan sits back round on his seat and grabs his drink and settles the straw between his teeth where Phil can see him chewing it.

Phil glances his eyes into the mirror where he meets Ethan’s. He looks equally as confused.

The atmosphere seems to have changed a little and Phil needs to change that. He clears his throat and gives a weak, awkward chuckle.

“One time, when Ethan was a baby I accidentally gave him a pepper. Do you remember that, Eth?”

Ethan stops and laughs, loud and brash, filling the silence.

Dan laughs too, and so does Noah.

“A pepper?” Dan asks curiously and Phil nods.

“He was only about three,” he begins. “He was grabbing for a slice of my pizza, and I felt bad so I decided to pull a piece off for him, only not realising there was a big fat juicy jalapeño beneath the cheese,” he tells them.

"He ate it so quick before I could realise what I’d done,” he gives a little laugh. “I think I called Nat up, crying because his cheeks were a little flushed.”

Dan snorts a laugh at that.

“What happened in the end?” Dan asks.

“He was alright after all of that,” Phil says. “Although it did freak me out. I think I stayed away from spicy pizzas for a while after that.”

Ethan gives a giggle in the backseat. “Yeah but I love peppers now!” he exclaims and Phil nods.

“I know,” he says, sipping his coffee, “but I guess I freaked out because I was alone and had no idea what to do,” he adds quietly, glancing at Dan across from him.

Dan seems to smile, almost gratefully at him. “Single dad life,” he jokes with a quiet voice, and Phil smiles at him.

“Single dad life. Truly terrifying.”

Dan nods to that.

*

Once they’re finished eating, the rest of the world seems to be awake again. More cars seem to appear on the road and the sky has gone from dark to bright in what feels like seconds.

Dan offers to drive but Phil warns him of his car sickness, and that being behind the wheel is the only distraction from his burger making another appearance today, to which Dan is happy to sit back at let him drive.

The boys in the back play with their crappy plastic toys that managed to capture their attention once Phil’s streaming down the motorway again, but after some time, the toys are dropped onto the floor of the car and they’re growing bored.

“How long?” Ethan asks, voice pitched high in a whiny voice and Phil taps his fingers against the wheel.

“Not long,” he replies. He watches Ethan flop back into his seat with a small huff.

The car is still silent.

“How about some music?” Phil asks, and that seems to cheer him up.

Phil asks Dan to open his phone to link his Bluetooth to his phone, after Dan refuses to pick a radio station, claiming they only replays the same trashy, overused pop songs that drive him nuts.

So Phil enlists Dan’s trust with his phone as he digs through his Spotify for something to help pass the time.

Eventually Dan lets out a high laugh and Phil’s looming over anxiously.

“What?” He says, every bad thought flooding his head as he tries to imagine what Dan’s found on his phone.

But Dan laughs again and before Phil can say anything more, a loud sound erupts from the speakers and one note in, Ethan is laughing, barely audible over the beginning tunes of Toxic that blares out from inside the car.

Phil’s face blushes red as Dan continues to laugh.

Phil wants to say something, maybe defend himself, but just as Britney comes in, he finds himself as of on instinct, opening his voice and doing his best impression, realising that Dan too has started singing along.

They only get past the first word before Dan is spluttering out a laugh, the two kids in the back joining in.

He pauses the music which cuts off abruptly and Phil looks at him with a small frown.

Dan is trying to hold back a laugh. “What was that?”

Phil feels a smile form on his lips, unable to hold back. “That was Toxic,” he tells him matter of factor but Dan shakes his head,

“I know that. But you butchered it mate! Absolutely phoned it in!” He’s hysterical now and Phil can’t help but laugh along especially with the two boys falling about laughing too.

“You sounded like you were having -“ Dan stops himself, glancing at the mirror and smile knowing. Phil can guess what he was about to say.

“Like he’s having a poo!” Ethan adds for him and Phil gasps.

“Hey!” He pretends to be hurt and Noah giggles loudly.

“A poo!” he repeats and Dan snorts.

“Look, we’ll play it again but I’ll show you how it’s done, you have to - well, just listen and you’ll get it.”

Phil nods, smile still stuck on his face as Dan fiddles with the phone and the music starts up again.

The four of them listen with little bops of their heads before Dan holds a hand up just before the first word comes in, and Phil glances at him to watch him sing out the word almost perfectly.

He pauses it again and Phil does a quick little clap before returning his hands to the wheel.

“See,” Dan says cockily, “you have to be sexy.”

Phil feels his cheeks heat up, all from him saying the word ‘sexy.’

“C’mon,” Dan goes back again. “Channel your inner Britney.”

Phil nods, determined, and once he’s belting out the lyric again, Dan’s back laughing, doubled over in his seat.

“Phil!” He shrieks, “I said be sexy, not strangled!”

Phil laughs, “I can’t help it!”

Ethan and Noah are finding the whole this hilarious so Dan asks if they can do it.

Ethan goes first, and falls about laughing before he’s even got the word out and once it’s Noah’s turn he hides his head in his hands and gets too shy, until Ethan begs him to try and they do a half decent job together.

“One last try, because if I have to hear Britney Spears saying ‘baby can’t you see’ one more time I’ll throw myself out the car,” Dan says nonchalantly as he starts the song back.

Phil gives Dan a little side look where he meets his gaze.

“Sexy.” Dan mouths at him and Phil looks back at the road.

The music is building up to the part and this time he sings out the note, and instead of Dan stopping to laugh at him, the music keeps playing and Dan whoops in celebration, as Ethan and Noah applaud him.

Phil gives a nod of his head and the music keeps playing, where Dan turns it up and they’re singing along. Ethan and Noah seem to make up the words they don’t know, but Phil notices that Dan’s aware of every lyric just as much as he is.

The song soon ends and the kids begin cheering.

Phil looks back at Dan, who’s already looking at him, and they share small smiles before they both look away, letting the Spotify shuffle fill the silence once more.

They take a few requests from Ethan, which they’ll allow, up until he asks for Baby Shark and both adults put their foot down then.

It’s then that Noah actually requests a song. Phil is able to look back in the mirror and watch him lean forward and just about tap Dan on the shoulder where he cranes his neck to look at him.   
  
Noah passes Dan his hearing aid that he has clutched in his little hand which Dan takes and with a smile he nods at him; a whole conversation spoken without words.   
  
“Do you mind?” Dan asks, holding up his phone and Phil shakes his head.   
  
“No, go for it,” he tells him. “Whatever he wants.”   
  
Dan smiles gratefully at him and begins typing away at his phone, before he must find what he’s looking for, because music fills the car again - something Phil doesn't recognise.   
  
“Can I turn it up?” Dan asks, hand already reaching for the dial and Phil nods, watching him twist it to the maximum setting, and that's when Phil realises why Noah must’ve chosen this song.   
  
He glances at his phone in Dan’s lap, and is able to read the screen; Warm, by SG Lewis.   
  
The car practically pulses with a heavy, slow rhythmic bass, alongside gentle singing.   
  
He glances back to see Noah reach forward and rest his little hand on the speaker on the door. Ethan must see, because he too, tentatively tries it too on his own side, and once he must feel the heavy vibrations run through his fingers and up his arms, his face breaks into a wide smile.   
  
“I can feel it!” he tries to yell over the music. Noah pays no attention to him, but focuses on having his hand set still against the speaker.   
  
When Phil looks across to Dan, he notices he too it watching them through the mirror, his eyes looking a little glossy and a smile evident on his face.   
  
They play the rest of the music at the max volume, and once it starts to fade away, Noah pulls away and sits back in his seat, Ethan following suit.   
  
“I could feel it, dad!” Ethan says again, now that the music has disappeared and Phil smiles,   
  
“That’s how Noah listens to his favourite music,” Dan tells him as he turns in his seat to hand Noah his aid back, to which he happily takes it and re-adjusts it to the side of his head.   
  
Phil hears Ethan give a little gasp.    
  
“That’s so cool! How does it do that?” he asks, voice curious.   
  
Dan gives a little laugh. “It’s the vibrations,” he says. “He can’t hear the music, so he feels it instead.”   
  
Ethan must be in awe in the backseat, because Phil only hears him give another little gasp of surprise.   
  
“Wow,” he whispers.    
  
Dan laughs and turns back around where Phil looks over and smiles at him. Dan smiles back.

*

Another fifteen minutes and everyone needs a pee break. Phil pulls into the nearest stop they see, which is basically a giant mall that’s full of people mingling around looking tired or lost.   
  
They pull up and usher the kids the closest bathroom where Ethan dramatically announced to the entire open Burger King very loudly that his bladder is about to explode, which Phil has to tell him off about, and thankfully no bladders explode and nobody pee’s themselves, and once they’ve caught the smell of the different smells, their stomachs must sense it and begin to cry out for food and it doesn't feel like they’ve already pigged out on a McDonald’s earlier today.   
  
Much to Ethan and Noah’s dismay, Dan and Phil push them away from Pizza Hut and KFC, and instead they find a little snack shop that does meal deals, so Phil grabs a basket and they end up with sandwiches, crisps and a few bottles of water and coke for good measure.   
  
Dan also wanders off to find somewhere for a coffee, perhaps a Starbucks, much to Phil’s wishful thinking, leaving Phil and the kids to find a little table area that seems pretty much deserted in comparison to the rest of the mall that people wander around.   
  
“Okay, who had what?” Phil says, tipping the little blue bag onto the table, but both boys grab at what they’d already picked out and Phil slides his own chicken sandwhich to himself, ready to not feel hungry anymore.   
  
“You boys excited to get there?” Phil asks as the three of them tuck into their lunch.    
  
Ethan nods enthusiastically as he swallows down his mouthful of food. “Uh huh!”    
  
Phil laughs, then looks to Noah. “What about you, Noah?” he says, then realises that maybe a child that doesn’t even know Phil’s parents probably wouldn't really have much say in it all.   
  
“Are you excited about the boat?” he asks and Noah’s eyes light up, and he nods.   
  
“Yeah?” Phil says softly. “Have you ever been on a boat before?” he asks.

Noah nods. “Yeah,” he speaks in a quiet voice, but clearly very excited, the way his smile takes up half the room on his face.

“I love boats,” he tells Phil as he picks the crust of his sandwich. “My daddy had a boat.”   
  
Phil can’t help but snort a laugh. He wouldn’t put Dan down as somebody that enjoyed sailing. He tried to perhaps picture him in maybe a fishing boat or a yacht, but the thought just made him laugh.   
  
“I didn’t know he liked to sail,” Phil says, unscrewing the cap off his coke. “He never told me he liked sailing.”   
  
He takes a sip just as Noah speaks again, with a little laugh.   
  
“No, silly,” he shakes his head and his little curls bounce on his head. “Not that daddy. My other daddy.”   
  
Phil must’ve inhaled the fizzy drink hard for it to somehow end up down his throat, in his lungs and up his nose all within the space of a second.   
  
He splutters and coughs and wipes at his face where he feels all sticky, along the tears that had pricked at his eyes.   
  
He hears Ethan laugh playfully at his misfortune.   
  
Noah blinks at him with those big brown eyes that are so much like Dan’s, and Phil looks back at him.   
  
“Your - your other daddy?” he asks, his voice pitching up a little and Noah nods with a smile, and goes back to his sandwich.   
  
He could pry. He could lean across the table and ask Noah more about who this ‘other daddy’ is, or was, but he can’t. He can’t bring himself to do that, to get answers about Dan out of his five year old son like that.   
  
And besides, even if he wanted to, it’s too late, because a tall Starbucks cup is being plonked down on the table under his nose, before Dan settles himself beside him.   
  
“Sorry, the queue was like, murderous in there,” Dan says breathlessly as he sets his own similar cup down.   
  
“I got you a caramel macchiato by the way,” Dan nods towards Phil’s drink and when Phil looks up at him, Dan’s giving him a smile, almost like he wants Phil to be surprised by the little act of niceness.   
  
And he is - or rather, he would be, if the fact that Noah’s words still rung in his head like bells against his skull.   
  
Phil gives him a smile, “Thanks. You didn’t have to,” Phil says, voice cracking a little as he picks up the cup and wraps his hands around it, feeling the warmth.   
  
Dan takes a small sip of his own with a short shrug of his shoulders. “S’alright. The least I could do for you driving all this way,” he grins happily and Phil feels his tummy do a funny little swoop inside of him; and he’s certain it’s not from the McDonalds or any kind of car sickness.   
  
Noah says nothing more, almost oblivious to the previous conversation, and instead Ethan begins rambling on about the sheep that live behind his grandma’s house and how they escape into the garden sometimes and Dan listens along and laughs.   
  
Phil decides to push the voice in his head away. He focuses on the now, instead. He replaces it momentarily with what Dan had told him before; how things were complicated right now. Phil had taken his word to trust what that had meant, and right now, there was no real reason to start questioning things that were none of his business in the middle of England in a motorway stop.   
  
But it did confirm one thing: Dan was gay. Or at least, Dan had been in a relationship with another man. 

But it still left another mystery unsolved; he wasn’t married, and he wasn’t getting divorced either - all things already Dan had told him. The little ring that had managed to disappear from Dan’s finger entirely as of late was the only confusing conflict in that entire scenario. Phil sometimes thought he’d imagined it - or maybe he was stupid enough to think it was on the wrong finger all this time.   
  
But it had gone from his left hand, and it hadn’t come back since - and Phil was sure a ring as nice as that wasn’t just cheap jewellery that had happened to go missing.   
  
Phil shoves it to the back of his mind; he still has a little way to go until they’re at the port where they can board the ferry and Phil can perhaps nap for a while. Then he’ll be at his parents, and whilst he’s still dreading on how to explain to them why Dan is there with him, he makes the conscious decision to cross those bridges when he reaches them.   
  
He takes a large bite of his sandwich to settle his fluttering stomach. He has a lot of fucking bridges to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	15. Chapter 15

They let the kids have a run around in the outside eating area away from parked cars, watching them chase each other in the small square of grass as the stretch their little legs and exhaust the bundled up energy they’d both been preserving for how many hours being sat in the car. Dan and Phil watch as they sip on their coffee’s and Phil wishes he could open his mouth and mention what Noah had said earlier.   
  
He thinks about slipping it in somehow, perhaps bringing up boats and pretending to be completely oblivious to it all until Dan would maybe say something.    
  
But he doesn’t and instead Phil sips on his sweet sugary drink and lets the caffeine pump through him until they get to the ferry and they can find somewhere for him to close his eyes for maybe an hour or so.   


They round them back up, with the bribery of the little pile of packets of sweets they bought from one of the snack shops and they’re back on the road again, this time closer to the port.

It seems the closer they get to the ferry dock, the heavier his body seemed, just desperate for him to give in and slip his eyes shut and let sleep pull him down.

But instead Dan talks keeps talking, rambling about music and books and things he finds interesting, and whilst Phil only half listens with half his brain concentrating on where to pull off the motorway, he picks up little things like Dan’s love for Frank Ocean and how much he enjoyed Lord of The Rings as a teenager; all little quirks of his personality that Phil wants to remember.

*

Finally, they’ve arrived - the port was only small, maybe a hundred cars scattered all over the place looking for where they needed to be, or not be, and up ahead was where the Earth seemed to cut off with the stretch of horizon behind it being nothing but water that blends into the sky miles away.

Once they’re in view of the ferry they give a little cheer, grateful that they’ve somehow made it in time.

After driving in circles for a while until Dan’s able to see the sign that directs them where they need to go, joining the small traffic of cars ready to board.

Once they’ve gotten up front they’re greeted by a woman in a small booth; she has a head of soft pink curls on her head, matching the colour painted across her lips.

“Hiya!” She greets cheerfully as Phil rolls his window down, and Phil is surprised that someone working in such a tiny little space could be that bubbly, but he smiles anyway.

“Passports and tickets please,” She asks and Phil hands them over from where Dan passes them across to him.

She takes a look and starts typing away at her computer with the clicking of long pink acrylic nails.

“Holiday?” She asks, pulling her eyes away from the screen for a moment and Phil hums.

“Lovely,” she comments as she goes back to looking back at the computer.

A little more silence passes as she hums to herself as she continues on doing whatever she needs to do, before she smiles at him again.

“Lovely weather over there right now,” she nods, scribbling something down on some paper. Phil smiles politely.

“Great timing for a little family getaway.”

Phil feels his stomach flip inside of his body, and Dan gives a little breathy laugh, but the girl remains oblivious, handing back the passports with a toothy grin and a card hanger for Phil’s mirror.

“All done,” she declares. “That has your line number, pop it up where the staff can see and they’ll direct you to your bay, okay?” She smiles again, maybe too cheery as Phil nods.

“Thanks,” he says, pulling into gear, driving away just as he hears her say,

“Have a lovely day!”

*

The hanger reads Bay P Line H which is supposedly their ferry.

A little short man in high vis directs them and tells them to stay in line and wait until told otherwise.

They’ll have to wait maybe half an hour, he tells them, and then they can finally board and get out of this stuffy little car.

Thankfully, they have a good few bags of sweets left over, which they shell out between the four of them, and despite the McDonalds, the sandwich and the excessive snacking throughout the day, Phil promises them they can get something to eat once they’re on the ferry; maybe a burger or something.

It’s been a long day, and Phil twists the key in the ignition and the car stops it’s humming and all that can be heard is the distant sound of seagulls squawking over by the docks.

He lets his eyes close, just for a minute, when he feels a gentle hand on his shoulder, making his eyes open again. Of course, it’s Dan, looking at him with a soft, caring smile.

“Do you want me to switch for a bit? I’ll sit in the drivers, that way if they make us move you won’t have to wake up first,” he laughs lightly and Phil just nods. He’ll take up Dan’s offer with the way his bones feel so heavy inside his body right now.

They switch quickly and once Phil’s away from the wheel of the car, he can feel his body begin to relax.

But a car alarm goes off somewhere and Phil jerks awake again.

Dan gives a little laugh, looking across at him, “We’ll find somewhere quiet on the ferry,” Dan tells him, sounding almost like a promise, and Phil hums in appreciation. Although he’s sure it’ll be nearly impossible to find somewhere quiet on a crowded ferry but he is grateful for Dan wanting to help somehow.

He tries to maybe take a little nap but nothing works. He glances around to see both boys back asleep again, and Phil wonders how they do it so effortless; the seat seems too uncomfortable and he can’t find a good position for his head without craning his neck that he knows he’ll feel the next morning.

He shuffles on his seat and instead opts to just, stay awake. Dan must realise this because he’s clearing his voice to start up quiet conversation again.

“So how long have your parents lived on the Isle then?” he asks.

It reminds Phil that he still hasn’t told his mum and dad that they’ve got two extra guests, and he hadn’t told Dan that they don’t know either.

“They moved a little after Ethan was born, so, almost seven years, I think,” he tells him, thinking back to when Ethan was just a baby and how his mum had brought up the idea that they were thinking of moving away and how shocked and scared Phil was - that his mum wouldn’t be a train ride away from him anymore if he needed her.

But Phil had Natalie, and her family that he’d always been an arms reach away from, but from what he knew, they were nice. They were part of Ethan’s life, so they were part of Phil’s too.

Dan hums and nods. “I’ve never actually been before,” he tells him, looking out the windscreen towards the boat ahead of them.

“It’s nice,” Phil says, voice quiet.

“You go a lot? Like holidays and stuff?” Dan says turning back to face him and Phil nods.

“Usually, although it’s hard you know, with Ethan, my mum always wants him to stay the full six weeks over the summer,” he says with a half laugh, “but I think she forgets that Natalie is his other parent.”

It’s true. Kath could spend hours over the phone dropping hints that it’d be perfectly fine for Phil to drop him over at the start of the summer and only to return before school started. Ethan was her only grandchild, possibly her only ever, and she was always desperate to see him whenever they were parted from one another.

But Phil wasn’t sure Natalie would like that; she had her own parents down in Devon, Ethan’s other grandparents and they’d spend a week or two up on the beaches with them, and that was how it was.

Since Ethan was born, Phil hadn’t attended any of their family trips to Florida; it was too expensive and his parents always went just in September once school had started again, and although Natalie was a teacher that could maybe get him out of things like that, Phil didn’t think it was a good idea. So he’d spent a good few years watching his parents, Martyn and Cornelia jet off to their holiday home in the sun, leaving Phil in raining England stuck at work.

He didn’t hate it though, maybe next year he’ll go with them again.

“It’s harder when you have kids in school, huh?” Dan says, pulling Phil away from his own head.

“I’m gonna miss being able to take a few weeks out the year with Noah,” he laughs lightly. “School is a bitch,” he adds.

Phil laughs. “It sure is. Do you ever go anywhere nice?”

The boat Noah mentioned earlier seemed to pop back in his head.

“Greek islands,” he tells him, “we used to go to this really beautiful little villa around May every year. It was just by the beach and we used to go out and sail around - it was really incredible.”

Dan goes on to tell him about the fishing village they once spent a day in, and Phil pretends to listen but all he can think about is Dan on a Greek island with Noah and somebody else sailing around the waters.

So they did have a boat.

“And the food there is, ugh, Phil it’s to die for,” Dan says, slapping his hands on the wheel of the car enough to make Phil jump out of his thoughts.

Phil nods, trying to act like he hasn’t been ignoring every words from his mouth, and puts on a smile.

“It sounds lovely,” Phil tells him.

Dan tries to give him a smile, but it seems to falter a little, and he looks away from Phil and back towards the large ferry.

“Yeah. Although, we didn’t go this year,” he says with a short shrug of his shoulders.

“Doesn’t matter though. You get bored of the same things eventually.”

Phil is about to maybe comment on that, ask what he means, but the little high vis man from earlier makes an appearance down the row of cars, and it looks like they’re boarding.

Dan starts the engine up just as the man waves at them to start moving.

“Looks like we’re off,” Dan grins at Phil as he pulls away. Phil feels his stomach give a funny jolt inside of him.

*

It turns out it’s a lot harder than they thought to find a nice quiet corner for Phil to shut his eyes for a moment; even harder to walk across the floor of the large seating area without being ping ponged across the room as the ship shook and swayed with each rolling wave beneath them.

They managed to grab a bench by the window for both the boys to excitedly stare out of; it wasn’t much of a view, just a grey abyss of ocean and sky that blended together, horizon only visible when the ferry would jerk upwards and the sea line because clearer.

“This is actually torture,” Phil groans, his head in his hands and legs braced apart. If his car sickness was anything to go by, sea sickness was only a hundred times worse. Especially on a journey such as this.

Dan offers him the water bottle he bought him a while ago with a sympathetic smile.

Phil takes it and gives it a little sip. It doesn’t do much to settle his churning stomach but it does wash away the taste of bile that’s appeared in his mouth.

“You think you need something? I think they’re selling sea sickness tablets over there,” Dan speaks in a gentle tone, and Phil barely registers the soft hand that’s appeared on his shoulder.

Phil shakes his head.

“What about food? Do you think you could-“

Phil cuts him off with a frantic shake of his head,

“Don’t talk to me about food. Please.” His voice is shaky, the mere thought of food is enough to send his stomach lurching.

Dan gets the hint and sits back on the uncomfortable bench, and out of Phil’s sight he can see the other man stare down at him with a concerned frown.

The boat gives another twist and a large wave splashes upwards, droplets of water decorating the glass window, and both children give a squeal of delight but Phil has to hold himself still, certain that one more move and it could be fatal.

Just as it settles, the ferry dips back down again and Phil can’t help the choked off noise he makes when he thinks he’s about to be sick. He grabs at his stomach, as if it would be of any help, and holds his hand against his shirt until the feeling subsides.

He spends a good twenty seconds focusing on evening out his breathing pattern to something slow and calm, trying to imagine somewhere more calm and still, that he doesn’t notice that Dan’s left his spot on the bench beside him.

Eventually though after what doesn’t feel like too long, Dan’s sat back down beside him, holding out a little packet of pills.

“Seriously,” Dan says, waving them under his nose, “these’ll help.”

Phil lifts his head to look at Dan, and back at the silver packet in his hand. He looks back up at Dan as he takes it and pops a little white pill into the palm of his shaking hand.

Dan hands him back the water and Phil sips it with a groan.

“This is why I prefer to fly,” he croaks and Dan gives a quiet laugh.

“Not a lover of the ocean are we?” Dan says, teasing ever so lightly.

Phil looks up and him and shakes his head. “Nope. My brain and body likes to be perfectly still, thank you very much.”

Dan laughs again. “It’s alright. This ride is pretty terrible. Back in Greece when I’d be out on the boat it’d always be so still I never had a problem with it, until one evening we were out and it was proper storming and I actually threw up over the side.”

Phil laughs weakly, he hasn’t even got the energy to think about Dan out in Greece on his yacht with his boyfriend; right now he needs to focus on keeping everything in his stomach where it belongs, and now out here on the floor by his feet.

Although he would be lying if he it hadn't piqued his interest just the slightest.

Phil isn’t sure if maybe the rocking of the waves has calmed subsequently, or maybe the pill Dan had given him had already bled into his system and was calming his queasiness so soon.

But the faint feeling of feeling sick still resides in the back of his head and he gives a faint groan, causing Dan to laugh just a little.

“My mum warmed me about the boat,” he says sadly, wishing he’d bought his stupid tickets earlier - but then, if he had, Dan wouldn’t be here to begin with.

Dan laughs again, and his hand finds its way to the small of Phil’s back, where it stays, grounding and comforting.

“Did she now?” he laughs again, “I hope you mentioned that I’d be the one cleaning up any vomit spills,” he adds with another short chuckle and that’s when Phil’s stomach really does seem to flip over.

He needs to tell him; he’d rather actually throw up, but right now it looks like he might anyway.

“Dan,” he starts, and then stops, because he’s not entirely sure what to say. To tell him he lied and that his parents have no idea he’s coming and that it’s all because he’s confused and unsure?

But Dan’s hand doesn’t move as he waits for him to continue, and to swallow thickly to make way for the words to escape him.

“Dan. I didn’t tell my parents you are Noah we’re coming,” he spits out, falling from him mouth as quick as he can, and he looks up to see Dan’s smile drop from his face as fast as the boat dips back down again, causing Phil’s insides to lurch again.

“You what?” is all he’s able to Dan and Phil is scamming his face for any signs of anger, but mostly he looks confused.

Phil groans again and drops his head into his hands pathetically.

“I dunno, I just didn’t bring it up to her,” he says, voice muffled by his palms, but Dan must hear him loud and clear because he shrieks causing Phil to jump.

“Phil! You didn’t bring it up?! God, you think I’m gonna be able to just walk through her door, jesus, Phil, you really are thick sometimes,” he groans rubbing his big hand over his face in distress.

But Phil is quick to shake his head.

“No,” he says, making Dan look up at him. “No, look, my mum will love having you over, Noah too. I just - I just didn’t know how to explain it to her and thought we could, I dunno, figure it out on the way there,” he says, voice trailing away at the end and Dan looks at him with those soft, warm eyes and it somehow makes him feel better.

“God, Phil,” Dan scoffs with a laugh, lips pulling into a smile and Phil can’t help but do the same.

“You could have told her the truth,” Dan says with a roll of his eyes, “that we’re –“

He stops, mouth still open, and it’s evident to Phil that he has no idea how to finish that sentence.

They’re what?

_ Friends? _

_ Acquaintances? _

_ Dad-friends? _

_ Soulmates? _

Dan seems to get there before Phil though,

“We’re friends through Noah and Ethan,” he says like it’s what he was supposed to say all along. “The kids wanted to hang out for the weekend, and I had to tag along because,” he turns to look at where little Noah has his face pressed against the glass in awe of the rocking waves beneath them.

“You know,” Dan adds looking back at Phil.

“That’s what we’ll tell her.”

It makes sense, and Phil wishes he’d thought of something as simple as that to begin with - but it doesn’t take away the fact that Dan came along anyways; that their story was made up and it wasn’t because Ethan had begged for Noah to come along with him like he’ll lie to his parents - they’re here because Phil wanted Dan to come.

He wanted Dan to be with him because he was madly in love with him, and this stupid road trip was only making it worse.

Phil swallows all of that down though, along with the taste of bile in his mouth and smiles at Dan, who smiles back.

“Yeah?” Dan says, and Phil realises his hand still rests gently on his back and he can feel the heat of Dan’s palm almost through his clothes and he nods.

“Yeah.”

*

The boat ride is finally over and once they make their way to the car below deck Phil’s feeling a lot better, and refuses Dan’s offer to drive the rest of the way, claiming that his parents live in such a remote area that even the sat nav has her struggles, so they pile back in the car, and once they’re rolling down the ramp and onto the small country roads, it makes Phil even more excited to be so close to his parents.

They stop one more time to pee and whilst Dan helps the boys wash their hands, Phil sends his mum a quick text that they’re almost there - and he feels his stomach swoop at the idea, but they’ll stick to Dan’s idea, and hopefully good old Kath will believe it.

Soon enough they’re passing a sign for the little village that Phil is familiar with and he announces proudly that they’ve made it, and everyone gives a tired cheer. Noah falls back asleep and Ethan keeps giggling because he mumbles in his sleep.

Phil sees the sign for his parents road and pulls in, until he spots the house and the car and his heart thumps in his chest as he’s pulling onto the drive in a spot just for him.

“Guess we made it,” Dan whispers. Phil looks at him and nods.

“Guess we did.”

Phil wastes no time in opening his door ad climbing out, but his mum is already coming out the door and Ethan is skipping over to her happily as Dan picks a dead tired Noah from the backseat.

“Grandma!” Ethan says in a shrill voice and Kath welcomes him into her arms and squeezes him tight.

“Hi mum!” Phil waves at her as he moves to the trunk to go receive their bags.

Kath goes to wave back and ask if he needs a hand when Dan pops his head out the car and tells Phil that he’ll grab his and Noah’s bags and Kath goes very quiet very quick.

Phil feels his palms sweat weirdly as he grabs Ethan’s little backpack and hauls it over his shoulder. He’ll have to explain. He’ll have to just tell her and -

“Grandma! My friend Noah, he came with us! Isn’t that so cool!” Ethan is bouncing up and down excitedly by her feet, and when Phil finally looks back up again, and of course she doesn’t look the slightest bit angry.

Instead she’s beaming over at Dan who now has Noah in his arms, head lulled against his shoulder.

“How lovely!” She exclaims and Phil watches Dan give her a polite smile and a little hello.

“Phil, grab his bags will you darling?” Kath says back to Phil after seeing Dan’s arms full.

Phil doesn’t hesitate to haul all four out the car and shut the door behind him.

“Hey mum,” Phil says again once he’s reached the doorstep, leaning in for a kiss.

“This is Dan,” Phil does a quick introduction.

“This is my mum,” he says and Dan smiles politely again.

“Nice to meet you Mrs Lester. So sorry for the short notice,” he speaks and Phil is taken aback at the put on polite voice he uses.

Kath laughs, “Don’t be silly! The more the merrier! And Kath is fine,” she smiles at him, and everything bad seems to melt out of Phil.

Dan isn’t angry, his mum is okay and the world hasn’t imploded.

“And you must be little Noah,” Kath coos looking at where Noah begins to stir in Dan’s arms. He takes a little peek at Kath before shyly burying his face into Dan’s chest earning a laugh from all three adults.

“He’s a bit shy,” Dan smiles at Kath and she beams happily at him.

“Right,” she says with a clap of her hands, “we’ll see how shy he is once he gets a look at the cakes I’ve made,” she winks, and it’s all it takes for Ethan to be running past them into the house where he knows he’ll find what he’s looking for.

*

“I really hope it’s no trouble me staying,” Dan says for the billionth time as the two men follow Phil’s mum up the stairs where she shows Dan the spare room.

It’s usually saved for Martyn and Cornelia, but for now it’s being lent to Dan and Noah to share, just right by where Phil and Ethan will sleep.

Kath stops on her step and turns to face Dan.

“You’ve asked me that question a hundred times and I’ll give you the same answer a hundred times,” she smiles at him, and Dan lets out a breathy laugh.

“Sorry,” he says with a little blush on his cheeks as they continue the climb up the stairs.

She shows him his room, where the bathroom is and that he’s welcome to help himself to whatever drinks and snacks he finds in the fridge; although she tells them both that once Nigel returns from the shops, they’ll get ready and head out for dinner and a walk later on in the evening.

It makes Phil’s heart swell - it’s _so_ his mum. So organised and ready to move around whatever life plonks in front of her.

Ethan and Noah play in the garden, chasing each other and ridding the last of their bundled up energy of the day whilst Kath makes them tea in the kitchen.

“So what do you do for a living, Dan?” Kath asks as she boils the kettle and Dan shifts on his seat where he’s sat beside Phil at the kitchen table.

“I’m a children’s therapist,” he tells her, making her look round with a happy look of surprise on her face.

“Oh how lovely!” she beams at him and once again Dan ducks his head down in a little embarrassment - Phil would ask his mum to maybe tone it down a notch for Dan’s sake, but he’s quite enjoying the blossoming of rosy coloured skin that bursts across his jaw every now and then.

“Yeah - it’s good, something I enjoy, so, yeah,” he shrugs and Kath nods her head.

“So how did you get into a thing like that? It must have been very hard?” She asks again and Phil sees Dan’s eyes dart quickly to the kitchen window where he can see Noah being chased around by Ethan, then back at Kath.

“Uh, it just seemed like the right thing to get into, you know?” He says and Kath nods again.

The kettle then beeps and Phil nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Well, I think that is such an amazing career to have. Challenging, but rewarding I bet,” she says as she turns around and tends to pouring the tea,

“You hear of some of these children, and oh-“ she slaps a hand to her chest dramatically, “they just break your heart don’t they?”

Just as she’s continue on her rambling the back door swings open and both boys come flying back in, clearly out of breath with red faces and heaving chests. At least Natalie will be impressed that he was able to stay fit, Phil thinks.

Ethan stays by the door whilst Noah comes skipping over to Dan.

“You okay bud?” Dan ask and Noah just holds his hand out. In his little palm sits his hearing aid, and it’s then that Phil notices it clearly isn’t attached to his head.

Dan frowns. “You want it off?” Dan says, moving his hands and Noah nods.

“We’re gonna play hide and seek by the trees!” Ethan shouts from the door and Dan smiles at him before looking back at Noah.

“I’ll take this,” he says, and takes the aid from his hand. “But you have to be careful, okay?”

Noah nods, before Dan gives his arm a quick pat and he’s turning on his heel and heading out the door with Ethan with two happy little squeals.

Dan watches them until they’re out of sight for a moment before they hear a little squeak come from Kath.

“Oh. Oh how precious,” he coos as Phil swears he wants the floor to open up.

“Mum-“ Phil starts, but Dan interrupts him with a small laugh.

“It’s okay - people always react differently. You’re good,” he nods to Kath who somehow has tears bubbles up in her eyes, and Phil guessed it might be a motherly thing, or just a Kath thing.

“Sometimes when people find out they tell me that they’re sorry,” Dan laughs.

“Really?” Phil asks and Dan nods laughing again.

Kath makes the rest of the tea and as they take their sips, Phil wonders how Dan might of reacted when he discovered his son was deaf; Phil couldn’t imagine having to have someone tell you that about your child. It would be heartbreaking.

But Kath sits and asks him questions, like how deaf he is, how well can he sign and lip read, and can he hear any noise at all and Dan doesn’t seem put off at all. He answers each question like he’s told them a million times before probably because he has.

He answers with: almost completely deaf, he can sign better than lip read and there’s not a lot he can’t hear without his hearing aid.

Just as they finish their tea the front door goes and Phil’s walks in, welcomed with another round of hugs and awkward handshakes and introductions and understanding of the stranger standing in his kitchen.

The boys are called back in and Ethan is running happily towards his grandad and Dan has to go out and fetch Noah back after he can’t hear Kath calling them in. She apologises, telling Dan she forgot, but once again Dan remains humble and tells her he’s probably done the same a million times before heading out the garden where Noah plays with twig branches.

“His son is  _ deaf _ , Nigel,” Kath tells Phil’s dad quickly whilst Dan is gone, and Phil feels his face burn again.

Nigel frowns and looks out at where Dan is leading Noah back towards the house.

“How terrible,” he shakes his head, and Phil is about to say something to them about it, but Dan comes back in and he’s introducing Noah to Phil’s dad who bends down to greet him.

For some reason Phil feels a little peeved off: he shouldn’t be in theory; he’s just returned home to his parents, everyone seems to be okay that Dan had tagged along, and Ethan is having a great time already - but seeing his parents treat Noah like some, zoo animal ticks him off for some reason.

And of course they’d never mean it. His parents are the best. They’re supportive of everything Phil does and welcoming to all kinds of people. He knows they’d never do anything intentionally to hurt someone. It was like back in uni one of his friends came out as trans, and at dinner, Nigel kept referring to him as “she” and it took a couple of attempts of Phil correcting him until he finally got it right - Nigel wasn’t a bad person, neither of them were. They just needed guiding sometimes.

He looks at Dan who’s crouched beside Noah and he has his large hand on his tiny shoulder for reassurance as Phil’s dad attempts communication with him.

He speaks slow, with his mouth moving ridiculously as if he thinks it’ll help him understand better.

Phil wonders how Dan ever has to put up with it - with people jumping head first into conclusions about your own child. But once again, Dan remains humble with a small laugh at Nigel’s terrible attempt at just speaking normal words to a deaf child and he looks up at Phil with warm eyes.

“Grab the aid off the table, will you?” He asks gently, and Phil does so, passing it back to Dan who adjusts him for it.

Once Dan’s hands have moved away Nigel speaks again, far too loud though,

“Can you hear me now?” He says robotically, and poor little Noah jumps back a bit in Dan’s arms at the loud stranger in his face.

Phil feels his face flush again with embarrassment. Just watching this interaction is enough to give him second hand embarrassment.

“Dad,” Phil says softly moving a little closer to him to jump in, but Dan shakes his head and looks back at him.

“It’s alright.” He smiles gently. God, Dan must be an expert in these things.

Dan explains to Nigel how the aid works, and that speaking normally makes it easier to understand lip.

Of course, Nigel nods and apologises and they have a good laugh about it, and eventually Noah smiles at him and everybody is taking in how sweet it all is. It makes Phil’s heart do flippy over thing in his chest.

It’s a good kind of flippy over thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	16. Chapter 16

Kath tells them all that they should be ready to head out to dinner by six, and whilst Phil loves the idea of them all heading out for dinner and drinks - he really can’t be bothered right now.

He’s still so weary and tired from a full day of driving, but he can’t ignore his mum’s keen enthusiasm about how excited she was to show them the lovely little restaurant they’d started going to lately.

Phil knows it’s a wasted effort to get Ethan to shower and change his clothes, so he lets him off for the reason only being that he hasn’t got the energy to argue or try and wrangle his son into a small shower.   
  
Dan however has first dibs of using the bathroom since he’s a guest in the Lester household, and had similar ideas of leaving kiddie showers to another time when they weren’t under a time crunch to get ready and out the house so quickly. So Ethan and Noah sat downstairs on the couch watching a cartoon idly whilst Dan used the bathroom upstairs. 

Just as Phil is walking up the stairs, ready to go hunting around for a towel to steal for his own shower to go wash a day’s worth of grim off his body, he spots Dan already coming out of the bathroom ahead of him.

He has a towel wrapped rather low around his middle and his chest and arms are bare with little droplets of water rolling down smooth, almost perfect skin.

Phil stares at him on the landing of his parent’s upstairs and when Dan sees him, he doesn’t seem the slightest bit bothered.   
  
“Oh,” he smiles at Phil and Phil is looking up at where his hair is curled tight and wet against his forehead.   
  
“Bathroom’s free,” he tells Phil, who certainly doesn’t miss the way those brown eyes flicker quickly across his face, almost reading him. 

Phil simply swallows dryly and nods before darting into the bathroom.

He’s sure to lock the door as his chest heaves. Dan stood there like that was.. Something.   
  
It could be nothing but it also feels like a lot.   
  
He peels his clothes off quickly - his mum had reminded him downstairs they only had half an hour to get ready and he can’t waste anymore time really. So he steps under the spray of the water ready to give his hair and body a quick wash - but it seems his body has other plans.   
  
His head focuses on the dips of Dan’s collarbones and the little muscles formed over his chest and arms - Dan isn’t the most muscular man he’s seen in his life, probably far from it - but he has that beginning of physique that Phil likes quite a lot.   
  
He thinks of the brown nipples that sat on his chest almost perfectly and how low his towel hung from his body - how he was just a layer away from being completely naked. It’s a stupid thought because of course Dan would never walk around naked in his parent’s house - but his brain supplies the thought anyway and it’s all it takes to get him fully hard.   
  
He doesn't have a lot of time and in theory he could just switch the dial to cold and will it to go away, but the water is hot and Dan is hotter and he reaches down with a sigh - at both the disappointment of his own lack of self control and also the relief to have something finally touching his dick.   
  
The water comes down hard on him as he ducks his head down and tugs roughly at himself. He has no time to savour it, no time to do what he wants to do, especially since he’s at his parent’s house, but he’s wanking with purpose - he wants to come; even more so with the image of Dan like that so fresh on his mind.   
  
It’s filthy and hot and probably way over the line, but it isn’t the first time he’s touched himself with Dan’s face popping up in his fantasies that get him coming hard.   
  
He can feel it now; hot and coiled in his stomach and he thinks about the pale skin of Dan’s neck and how it’d feel to just… sink his teeth into it and feel Dan beneath him.    
  
He thunks his head against the shower wall, probably a little too hard to the point it hurts slightly, but the feeling is quickly replaced with europhia as he gives a final jerk into his hand and he’s finally reaching his release right into his palm where he closes it over the head of his dick in an attempt to catch it.

It webs beneath his fingers and he opens his eyes to watch it slip to the floor and down the drain after he reaches his hand under the water, giving a satisfactory sigh at his own disgustingness. He doesn’t care though; his caveman brain giving into the primal enjoyment of watching his own come dribble out of him like that, as if it’s some sort of victory for himself.

He rests his head against the wall, catching his breath amongst the steam thats build up around him, when there’s a sharp knock at the door.

“C’mon Philly!” Kath calls from behind the door and for some reason Phil feels guilt creep up on him, as if somehow his mother knew what he’d been doing in here in her shower - maybe it’s because it reminds him of being a teenager when he’d jerk off in his socks or sometimes just in his underwear and he’d leave them on his bedroom floor probably for her to accidentally come across a few times, much to both their horror he expects.   
  
“Kay!” Phil yells back and his voice instantly cracks and sounds way too suspicious. If she asks, he’ll put it down to being tired.   
  
Because that’s what he is. Even more now that he’s just had a pretty good orgasm.   


He hears her mumble something before leaving and Phil isn’t really listening because he’s trying to wrap his head around what he’d just done whilst reaching for the shampoo.

*

When he gets out the shower he doesn’t run into Dan thankfully; he thinks he’ll need a minute or so to remind his brain to look Dan in the eyes and not get hard again. Not that he’s sure he’s physically able to. But still.

He pads to his room and begins looking for fresh clothes that look half decent for a little night out.  As he towel dries his hair, ruffling it between the folds of the fabric, it gives him time to think.

Dan hadn’t been expecting Phil to come up the stairs when he’d left the bathroom like that. What if it was... Phil’s dad who’d came across him waltzing across his landing with a towel so low and so suggestive?

Had it all been in his mind? he thinks as he runs a hand through damp hair as he rummages around his bag for socks.

Perhaps. Maybe he was just tired and Dan in a towel was the littlest of sparks for his sad lonely body and brain to fuel it into something hotter for himself. It has been a while since he’d last had sex - of even wanked like that, really.

He shakes the idea from his head; he really doesn’t want to go down that kind of rabbit hole right now, just before dinner with his family, and instead reaches for two odd socks and pulls them up over his feet. If Dan mentions it, he’ll say something - if not, then he doesn’t have to worry.

Right?

*

By the time Phil’s ready, it’s suddenly started raining outside, coming down heavy and fast, and Phil meets his dad in the living room as he stands and watches out the window.

“Where’s mum?” Phil asks as he passes him and Nigel turns his head, captivated still by the rain.

“In the kitchen with the others I think,” he says and Phil hums as he makes his way to the kitchen.

He’s feeling a little bit better than earlier - feels more awake and fresher with the new pair of jeans he has on as well as the black sweater he has that has the rainbow cuffs, thanks to Topman’s range of styles, and he walks into the kitchen where he sees Dan and Kath sat at the table.

They haven’t noticed him stood in the doorway yet, so he watches carefully as Kath laughs and Dan leans over the table and begins to move her hands for her.

For a second, Phil frowns in confusion as he watches them, but then he sees Dan move her hands slowly and calculated and it becomes obvious of what he’s doing.

“So that’s how to say, Kath,” Dan tells her leaning back, “and most times it’s just easier to use a shortened version of your name rather than spelling it all out,” he laughs.

Kath laughs with him and tries again to sign, which she must fail miserably at because Dan snorts and helps her again.

He could stay standing here, watching Dan with his mother like this; so comfortable and at ease before even a full day of getting to know each other.

But Kath must have mum powers or something because she suddenly looks across at where Phil’s standing in the doorway and beams at him.

Dan does the same.

“Phil, I’m learning!” She laughs and Phil laughs back,

“Do you know how to do this stuff?” She asks him, holding her hands up for emphasis and Phil shrugs.

“Kinda. Not a lot though,” he says quietly as he looks at Dan, who still smiles warmly at him.

The last time Dan had been attempting to teach him they’d pressed lips in a half kind of kiss - but that was in the past and now Dan was here at his mothers kitchen table making her laugh and fitting in at the spare seat like he belonged.

But it was stupid. A stupid thought that Phil shook away from his brain when he asked,

“So! Are we ready to head out?”

*

Much to Kath’s disappointment they opt out of walking after they take a look outside and notice the rain only comes down heavier and harder.

“Looks like we’ll take the car then,” Nigel tells them all as he pulls his coat on, everyone else doing the same as they wait beside the front door.

“Can I go in grandpas car?” Ethan asks as he peers up at Phil from underneath his hood and Phil shrugs.

“I mean, I don’t see why not. But Ethan might want to stay with his dad and-“

Noah gives a sharp tug to Dan’s coat and Phil watches as he sips up his coat as Noah signs to Dan and Dan nods at him.

“I’ll ask, okay?” Dan signs and looks up at Phil.

“I think he wants to stay with Ethan actually,” he tells him and Kath smiles.

“Lovely. Both the kiddies can ride with Nigel and I, and Phil and Dan can follow us behind,” she informs them, and they all seem to follow as they pile out the house and make a run down the drive towards their cars.

Once their in, Phil shuts his door and Dan slips in beside him with a groan.

“I thought that boat lady said the weather was supposed to be good this week?” he grumbles as he tries to shake the rain off his hood.

Phil snorts a laugh as he starts up the engine, watching as his parents pull away ahead of him.

“It’s all a propaganda,” Phil says, dead seriously, and Dan laughs loudly, startling Phil a little.

He doesn’t think he’ll ever get over the way Dan finds the things he says funny, even when he’s not even trying.

They follow his parents car ahead of them, turning the windscreen wipers up the max as the rain hammers down on them.

Out of the corner of his eye, Phil catches Dan sinking down a little in his seat but says nothing as he concentrates on the road and not at getting separated from the car in front.

Eventually his parents turn off and Phil follows them into a little town area where they easily find two parking spaces that they slip right into, just outside the tiny tucked away restaurant that he’s sure they’re going into.

Once the engine is off, Dan sighs just as the heating shuts off and goes quiet.

“Can we just like, maybe never go outside in the rain ever please,” he jokes and Phil laughs at him as he spots his parents and both boys clambering out their car, waving them over.

“I’d probably like that. Although I think we need to earn Kath points by just doing this one thing for her,” he looks over at him and watches the way Dan’s lips pull into a smile.

“Oh yeah,” Dan says, “I’m earning maximum Kath points this weekend. I might out-Kath you if I try hard enough,” he says with a wink and Phil’s laughing as he unbuckles his belt, Dan doing the same.

“Don’t be so cocky, Howell. I’ll have you know I can suck up pretty well when I need to be. A real mamas boy.”

Dan swings the door open with a laugh, “You haven’t even seen my suck up skills yet Lester. Prepared to be blown away.”

He leaves the car and trots over the rest of the group, leaving Phil sat in his seat mouth hanging a little for the very obvious and terrible innuendo that he just dropped on him. He’s glad he was to rid any kind of tension in his shower earlier and curses under his breath as he climbs out his car and joins everyone else.

When he reaches them, Ethan is splashing around in puddles and he attempts to tell him to stop, but he’s distracted by the devilish grin Dan’s giving him instead.

*

The restaurant is quiet, only a few people sit at tables and their greeted at the door by an eager looking young waitress.

She leads them to their table with a spring in her step and a bubbly smile, and Phil can only sympathise with her for having to work a job like this, waiting on tables and having to be nice to customers all day and night.

He takes his seat, thanks her and makes sure Ethan is tucked into his chair beside him and notices Dan sat just across from him.

He smiles at Phil before pulling Noah’s chair forward too.

They exchange glances across the table for a while, until Kath claps her hands together from where she’s sat at the end of the table, causing both men to turn to look at her.

“Right, well, the weather might be a little disappointing but we made it at least,” she laughs, looking across the table.

Phil smiles at her and nods in agreement.

“Together,” he adds, looking to where Dan smiles at him. And he smiles back.

*

They order their drinks; a bottle of wine for the table and cola for the boys, much to their excitement of fizzy drinks, and then they’re peering at their menus when Phil feels his stomach begin to growl at the choices.

There’s an array of fish choices written down and Phil skims through them when he looks up at Dan for a second, seeing him frowning at the menu and Phil feels his stomach swoop a little at the pained expression written all over his face.

“Know what you’re having?” Phil asks quietly whilst the boys are reading the children’s menu over and Kath goes to the loo and Nigel is chatting to one of the waiters he knows.

Dan looks up fast, giving a nervous laugh before biting down hard on his bottom lip.

“Uh, Yeah. I dunno yet,” he says quietly looking down the menu.

Phil looks at his own in front of him and back up at Dan.

“Do you.. do you like fish?” he asks tentatively and Dan looks up at him rather sadly, before letting out a little laugh.

“I guess I should have seen this coming, a restaurant by the beach after all.”

Phil feels his stomach do that swoopy thing again.

“Oh my god, you don’t like any of it? Do you?” Phil says pained and Dan laughs,

“Phil, it’s fine. It’s - it’s alright, really.”

Phil shakes his head. “No. Oh my god I hate you why didn’t you say anything!” He says, voice going a little bit squeaky.

Dan laughs again, like it’s the funniest thing in the world, “How was I supposed to know?!” he laughs in a shrill voice, face red with a wide grin. “I couldn’t exactly ask your kind parents that have taken both me and my son into their home, to up and change restaurants just because I don’t like something as silly as fish!”

They’re laughing now, and Phil is shaking his head at him.

“Do you want me to say anything? Because if Kath finds out you're only doing this-“

“No!” Dan interrupts him, sounding rather horrified. “Don’t you dare, Phil. Or I will actually kill you.”

Phil laughs at him again, looking down at his menu with a grin. “Okay. If that’s what you want.”

Dan’s foot nudges his ever so gently under the table and Phil’s head shoots up to look at where Dan looks at him.

“Kath points, remember?”

Phil swallowed dryly and nods. “Kath points.”

They’re in silence for a moment before Phil speaks up again.

“It’s okay. I don’t like cheese.”

Dan blinks at him before letting out a laugh. “You what?”

Phil feels the corners of his face pull into a wide smile, “I don’t like cheese!” he says a tad defensive but with no real venom to it. “It’s the same thing really,” he shrugs and Dan snorts again.

“Not exactly. Fish have eyes and brains and squishy bits inside. Cheese is just… cheese. What’s there to hate about it?”

Phil makes a face at him, “It’s the devils food, Dan. Satan himself churned it. Is that the word? Churn?”

Dan doubles over the table in a silent laugh, looking up at Phil with sparkling eyes. “I think that’s butter actually.”

Phil grins. “Butters alright. Butters good. Cheese? Not so much.”

Dan shakes his head at him again. “You’re such a weirdo.”

Phil’s about to retaliate, probably something along the lines of fish brains, but the rest of their little party return and he snaps his mouth shut, Dan only giving him a knowing look across the table. Phil does the same.

*

Dan ends up ordering some kind of chips and dip special, getting away from the conversation with Phil’s parents about his hatred for fish whilst everyone else tucks into theirs. Phil has to stifle a giggle when Noah asks for some help with cutting up his fish fingers he’d ordered and Phil watches the grimace appear faintly across Dan’s expression as he cuts into the white fish and set it across the plate. When he’s done, he notices the small hiccups of giggles coming from Phil and goes to give him a tiny kick under the table.

Except once Dan’s leg has stretched comfortably across under the table, resting and almost entertained with Phil’s own leg, neither of them make the effort to move it.

Phil feels his face blush at the idea of playing some lighthearted game of footsies under the table his family are eating at, but the weight of his leg and the way his shoe rests against his makes his heart pound furiously, so he ducks his head down and chews down his food, fast.

He’s the first to finish his meal, and Kath makes a joke about Phil always having a large love for food, and an even larger love for deserts, and when the table breaks out in happy laughter, Phil feels Dan’s foot come to brush up against his shin.

Phil looks across the room to meet eyes with Dan; his eyes are dark yet unsure. Phil gives him a small smile, small enough for no one else to notice but them - and Dan does the same back, giving his leg on last little kick before retreating his leg back to under his chair.

It leaves a warm feeling flood through his body.

*

When their plates are finished and Dan’s half rambling about how incredible the dipping sauces were, the nice waitress from earlier comes around and asks if they’re interested in desert. Ethan cries out in excitement and throws his arms up in a way that makes the woman chuckle lightly and it makes Phil feel a little proud that his son has such a charm on so many people. He feels even more proud when he watches Dan laugh too.   
  
They pick out their deserts, and when it’s Dan’s turn to ask he shakes his head and tells her he’s alright and that he’ll pass but Phil frowns at him sadly.   
  
“You don’t want anything dear?” Kath asks leaning forward a little and Dan smiles sweetly at her.   
  
“It’s alright, I’m okay,” he tries but it seems she isn’t having it.   
  
“Nonsense, all you had was bloody chips for dinner. Nigel, tell him will you,” she says sternly and Phil can’t help but laugh at the way Dan’s smile falters a little at Kath’s serious tone - her mother voice.   
  
Nigel leans over to Dan and shrugs. “Might as well do as you’re told. Take it from experience lad.”   
  
Dan gulps and looks back at his menu and chews his lip as he reads before he looks up at Phil.   
  
“What’re you having?” he asks.   
  
“The giant sundae,” Phil admits sheepishly as he waitress smiles kindly at him.   
  
“It’s rather good,” he tells him and Dan grins.   
  
“Okay. I’ll guess I’ll trust you then,” he laughs lightly and the waitress nods and jots down the rest of the order before skipping happily away.   
  
“A lesson to be learnt,” Kath says once she’s gone and Dan turns to listen to her. “In the Lester household, nobody goes without.”   
  
Dan blinks at her before his lips are tugged into a warm smile, his eyes flicker quickly between Kath to Phil and back again, and this time it’s Phil who stretches his leg out to find Dan’s and when it does, he nudges his foot with his and Dan nudges back.   
  
*   
  
The ice cream and cakes come out looking instagram-feed worthy and Phil is practically drooling when he sees his sat down in front of him. Dan looks like he could do the same.   
  
“Bet you’re glad you ordered something now,” Phil jokes and Dan huffs a laugh as he picks up a spoon and begins to tuck in, clearly too impatient.   
  
“Uh huh,” he hums as he spoons in a large helping of chocolate ice cream into his mouth. Phil does the same, probably not the best example in front of his son who seems to happily doing the same with his own kids sundae, but Phil supposes it’ll be alright to let him off the hook considering they are on holiday, and holidays are all about being messy and having fun and letting loose.    
  
Phil shovels in a spoonful that’s heaped with ice cream and chocolate sauce, letting the flavour burst on his tongue sweetly and he hums happily at the sensation.   
  
He looks back at Dan who’s laughing at him. Phil frowns, swallowing down his mouthful.   
  
“You have sauce, right there,” Dan tells him pointing to the corner of his lips.   
  
Phil feels his cheeks go hot and quickly swipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “Gone?”   
  
Dan laughs again and shakes his head. “No, it’s like,” he stops and instead reaches across the table and with the napkin in the middle of the table between them reaches across and presses it to Phil’s lips where it sticks.   
  
Phil, stunned for a moment as Dan flops back into his chair, is too afraid to even look at where his parents are sat to even consider what their reaction is. Phil swallows thickly as if he already has a mouthful of sauce but instead smiles weakly and wipes away at his mouth.   
  
“Thanks,” he says in a small voice, and when Dan looks unsure he feels a foot press against his own and this time Phil retreats. Dan doesn’t try to find it again.

Instead, the table falls into conversation about various things, mainly about Kath and Nigel and what they get up to on the isle; all the latest gossip from their neighbours that Phil pretends to be interested in, trying not to think of the way Dan had practically wiped away the chocolate from his lips like that in front of everyone. He can’t meet his eyes, and instead holds gaze with his mum, or dad or Ethan when he pipes up about school and his latest homework and the funny thing his teaching assistant did last week. He laughs, joins in and slots into the conversation when needed, all whilst avoiding Dan across the table. 

As the night draws to a close and they have their coffee’s ordered and downed and both children and beginning to droop a little, Kath suggests it’s getting late and they’d best head home, to which they all agree on.   
  
Dan has to carry Noah out and Phil guides a sleepy Ethan out the door, only stopping when he realises what cars they’ll be traveling to.   
  
“Might as well have the boys with you,” Nigel suggests as he unlocks the car with the press of his keys and Phil nods as Ethan clambers into the back of Phil’s car, and Dan sets a very sleepy Noah beside him.

Phil gets in the car, remembering to follow his parent’s before getting lost in a village he has no idea around and as soon as Dan’s door is shut he’s already speaking before Phil has time to buckle his belt.

“I’m really sorry.”   
  
It stuns Phil for a moment before he turns to look at him. He looks lost and confused. It doesn’t make Phil feel any more better though.   
  
“S’okay,” Phil shrugs with a half laugh. “You were just…” he trails off, mainly because he’s not sure what Dan was being.   
  
It seems Dan doesn’t know either.   
  
“Yeah,” he says quietly.    
  
Phil’s parent’s car takes off ahead of them and Phil is quick to follow close behind.

“The foot thing, that was…” Dan says quietly and Phil looks at him for a second before looking back at the road.   
  
“That was… just funny,” Phil says lamely with a shrug of his shoulders. It wasn’t just a funny thing. That was brushing legs under the table for two hours without words - brushing legs with the guy Phil wanked over in the shower this morning for fucks sake.   
  
Nothing ever seems clear, and whenever it does, it’s like thick fog settles over what Phil thinks he’s understood. It’s tiring. He’s tired.   
  
“Dan,” Phil starts but stops. He says nothing more, letting his head do the rest of the thinking without words having to be said.   
  
Dan had said things were complicated in his life, so why was he clearly doing this? How complicated where things with Dan? Was it a middle of a divorce complicated or a married and liking someone else complicated?   
  
Phil couldn’t put all his feelings down on the table until he knew what he would be getting return; Phil wasn’t a homewrecker and he wasn’t somebodies rebound just for perhaps sex or emotional lugging around. He grips the wheel and focuses on the car ahead.   
  
“Thanks for bringing me,” Dan says suddenly rather quietly. Phil finds himself smiling.   
  
“Well, my parents wouldn’t have just left you at the house by yourself, silly,” he teases but Dan doesn’t laugh.   
  
“No. I mean like, thanks for bringing me here. To your parents home.”   
  
It goes quiet.    
  
“Oh,” Phil says dumbly. “Right. Yeah, well, I had the extra tickets and - “ he looks at Dan.   
  
“I wanted you to come,” he adds quietly.   
  
Dan smiles softly at him. “I wanted to come too.”   
  
“Good,” Phil says voice barely above a whisper.   
  
*   
  
The arrive back at the house where Kath lets out a yawn and once she’s kissed each of her boys (save for Dan and Noah gracing them only with tight quick hugs) she heads otf up the stairs behind Nigel who grunts out a tired goodnight to them all before he disappears upstairs, leaving Dan, Phil and the boys downstairs.

“I’m gonna go ahead and get Noah ready for bed,” Dan whispers, and it suddenly feels very quiet in the house.

Phil nods, “Yeah. Okay.”

The four of them plod slowly up the stairs and once Phil reaches his door he feels his heart lurch in his chest, squeezing tight for a quick second.

He turns to where Dan’s stood at his door, also paused beside it.

Why do things feel like this? Like somethings hanging in the balance all of a sudden between them? Is it the footsies under the table? Was it the way Dan had walked around shirtless this morning?

Was it just Dan being here?

Phil receives none of the questions his brain hurtles into the universe, and instead shares a small smile in Dan’s direction across the landing.

“Night, Dan,“ he whispers, voice feeling impossibly small.

Dan smiles back.

“Goodnight, Phil. See you in the morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	17. Chapter 17

When Phil wakes the next morning, it’s early. He’s mainly awake not only because his brain is being loud, but he has a child sized elbow in his ribs and a foot kicked into his shin.

He cracks opens his eyes to see a sprawled out Ethan; dead to the world and happily taking up the space in their shared bed. His libs stretch out and head lolled back on the pillow comfortably and it makes Phil’s chest do that special squeezy thing when he looks at his child like this.

For years, they’d shared a bed at Phil’s parents place, ever since Ethan was big enough to upgrade from cots to beds, they’d always bunked down together. Like a sleepover, as Ethan would say.

As a toddler they’d lay here and Phil would have him curled up on his chest; warm and heavy and grounding, and it was comforting. Now, Ethan rolls over and stretches out his growing legs again.

Someday, he’ll be too old to share a bed with his dad. Someday he’ll grow taller and larger and he’ll change from the child Phil knows to well into the person Phil will love forever. Someday there’ll be a put up bed on the opposite wall and they’ll say their good nights from under different blankets.

But right now he’ll savour this tiny thing he has with his tiny son right now, and instead pulls his sleepy body to his chest for a cuddle. Ethan neither wakes nor tries to resist, but is happily welcomed into his dad's arms as they lay here together.

He fits so well here, Phil thinks. Chest to chest where he can feel the little heart in his chest beat slowly. He doesn’t want Ethan to our grow this bed, or Phil’s arms - but he has to.

He remembers a time he lay here with Natalie.

She was pregnant at the time, and a visit to Phil’s parents had prompted her to come along, only realising they’d have to share a bed once they got there, due to the fact that Martyn and Cornelia were occupying the next room over.

He remembers how he’d volunteered himself to sleep on the couch, and how an emotional Natalie had asked him to stay - and he did.

That night they lay awake almost in silence until Natalie had gasped and before Phil could ask what was wrong, she’d grabbed his hand and pressed it to the bump of her stomach where Phil felt the kick of a hand ever so faintly against his.

They’d cried that night; held each other and laughed and cried and broke the dam of emotions that had been building up ever since she’d come crying about a positive pregnancy test and a shared concern for their futures.

But they’d giggled until they fell asleep, and the next morning Kath had asked almost desperately if maybe they were to ever stay together, and Phil had to explain that they never were together.

Him and Nat - it never felt right that way. They were friends, and although his memory of that fateful one night stand is blurry in his mind, Phil knows it was just sex. Just lonely, desperate sex that led to something a lot better than what they were feeling that night.

He squeezes Ethan closer who murmurs slightly before falling silent again and Phil smiles.

He’s got what he really needs right here in his arms. This holiday isn’t really about figuring out his feelings for Dan or understanding where he fits into his life - this is about him, and Ethan and his family. The people he knows he loves.

He’ll have to keep reminding himself of it, but he’ll put his thoughts into practice, starting from today.

*

Phil realises that once he’s eventually peeled himself out of bed and pads downstairs that it seems it’s only his mum down here.

She’s wrapped snuggly in her dressing gown as she seemingly tends to the teas and coffees that lay on the counter beside her, and only seems half surprised when she spots Phil come up behind her.

“Blimey,” she chuckles as Phil stifles a yawn, “did the universe get switched over because the Phil I know never wakes before nine usually,” she teases and Phil just gives her a short smile as he goes to help spoon in the coffee granules into the mug she’s set out for him.

“I like to remind you that I’m not actually fifteen anymore,” he says raising a brow at her, “and instead a responsible adult.”

She snorts a laugh and pours in the water, “Still my baby Philly to me though,” she coos and Phil grimaces at her.

“Ugh,” he groans. “I’m not a baby. I  _ have _ a baby, but not a baby.”

Kath’s wide grin seems to wobble a little and Phil’s not sure what to make of it at first, not until she smiles again, looking a little emotional.

“Oh, I know. I don’t think that’ll ever stop sounding strange. My baby has a baby.”

Phil smiles softly at her as he passes her the spoon to stir around the black liquid in the mug.

“Won’t be a baby forever though,” Phil says quietly, echoing his thoughts from earlier and jumps slightly when Kath sets down the spoon harshly with a loud clatter.

He looks up to meet her stern glare.

“Don’t go saying things like that. It’s bad enough I had to watch you get all big; I don’t want to have to start feeling sad about Ethan too.”

Phil laughs at her, no real cruel intentions behind it though, and Kath seems to understand that, giving Phil a small grin as they carry on with making their drinks.

“Are we taking one up for everyone else?” Phil asks and Kath hums.

“Your dad will make his tea after breakfast and I wasn’t sure what Dan liked so I thought you could take his coffee up for him.”

Phil looks at her, her head down and focused on the stirring of the spoon and blinks at her.

Something about his mother wanting Phil to take Dan’s coffee up to him whilst he’s still probably sleeping seems… odd.

“I could just wait for him to come down and get it,” Phil shrugs. He doesn’t necessarily want to make Dan wait, but he says it anyway to gain a reaction from his mum, who snaps her head up at him rather quickly.

“Well, he might not wake for a while now. What time does he usually wake?”

Phil feels a weird kind of flutter in his stomach at the vague implication she’d just made, but swallows it down harshly anyway.

“Mum,” he starts but is cut off with the sharp sound of Kath hitting the spoon against the mug and a shrug of her shoulders.

“What, Phil? I just assumed…” she trails off, as if she wants Phil to finish off the rest of her sentenced, to which Phil does with a heavy sigh.

“What? You assumed that I’d possibly know what time Dan wakes? Why’s that?”

He only sounds half defensive - this is still his beloved mother after all, and he didn’t come all this way to argue with her. Especially after the realisation he came to in his head this morning about surrounding himself with the family he loves.

“Well,” Kath shrugs again, still not meeting his eyes. “You boys seem rather close, I gathered you’d know those things. Including how many sugars he takes.”

Phil sighs again. He actually doesn’t know that.

“Mum,” he says again and this time she doesn’t interrupt him. “Just because because Dan and I seem close, doesn’t mean we really are. He’s just.. a dad friend. For Ethan.”

She makes a face and looks at him, clearly unconvinced.

“It didn’t seem that way last night with you two and your equally as long bloody legs underneath that table last night.”

Phil feels his face burn hot and suddenly wishes he’d thrown himself off the ferry when he had the chance.

He tries to open his mouth, ready to spew out whatever excuse he can come up with but she cuts him off yet again with a sharp laugh.

“No need to lie to me, boy. I think you ended up kicking your poor old dad a good few times in the shin. He’ll bruise you know.”

She doesn’t seem the least bit mad or upset or confused - more like she’s simply wanting to say it so perhaps it’ll convince him she’s right.

He stands in silence for a moment, watching the coffee swirl around in the mug.

“Dan and I, we’re just friends.”

His voice sounds small and he feels like a child again being reprimanded by his mother, and he wishes he could shrink a few feet just so he could crawl away and hide away like he did when he was little.

But he’s not little anymore; he’s a grown man with a job and an apartment and a child and a life to live without feeling any more pathetic than he does from time to time.

He looks at his mum and she looks back at him, reading him so closely like he knows she is and she smiles softly at him.

She cups his cheek with her comforting hand and runs a thumb over his cheekbone.

“Friends don’t take friends on family holidays, darling.”

Phil sighs again and she drops her hand away from his face.

“I’m telling you, we’re just-“

“Friends.” She finishes for him. “I know. I hear you,” she tells him softly.

“But maybe you should try hearing  _ me _ out,” she adds.

Phil continues to stand there, even when she kisses him on the cheek and takes her coffee and leaves the room back upstairs, leaving Phil alone with the two mugs of coffee on the kitchen side, ready to be taken up.

He blinks at them.

Maybe she’s right. Of course she’s right. She’s his mum after all - she’s always been right about almost everything.

He takes a deep breath and takes the spare mug in his hand and turns around to head up the stairs. Each step feels like a giant step, but he’s finally reaching Dan’s door,and with three quick knocks, he swings open the door to see Dan sat on the edge of the bed, looking across at where Phil’s stood.

He stands there dumbly until Dan’s face cracks into a sleepy kind of smile.

“Morning,” he says with a voice Phil is sure he won’t forget for some time - it’s thick and heavy with sleep and possibly deeper than usual.

Phil forgers how words work, or how anything works as he stands in the doorway and looks over at where Dan’s clad in his pjs with little rings under his eyes and his hair fluffed up on his head.

He finally snaps back into the real world when he hears Dan say,

“That mine?”

Phil does a little squeak and remembers the coffee he has in his hand and just nods and makes quick steps into the room towards Dan.

Dan smiles at him as he passes it over to him.

“Didn’t know if you were awake yet,” Phil says quietly as Dan sips on his coffee, and that’s when he noticed the little lump under the covers on the other side that looks a lot like Noah.

“Cheers mate,” Dan says again and takes another slurp.

Phil watches him take another few sips before it dawns on him how strange he’s being; he’s stood here in Dan’s room, barely dressed and awake and awkwardly watching him sip his coffee in total silence.

He turns on his heels rather quickly, “Right, well - help yourself to food downstairs. I’m gonna…” he pauses in his steps to look back at Dan.

“Gonna, um. Gonna go see if Ethan’s awake.”

It’s a lie - well, half a lie. It’s still early and he doesn’t want to enrage his child by waking him for nothing at such an early hour, especially on their holiday but Dan nods anyways.

“Right. Thanks again, by the way,” Dan says tipping his mug up and Phil smiles.

“You should really thank Kath. I was just the delivery boy,” he jokes and instantly he feels stupid.

But Dan doesn’t seem to think so as he snorts a small laugh. “Oh okay. I’ll thank her later, I’m still going for gold on Kath points.”

Phil laughs a small laugh but he feels a shift in his chest as he stands a foot away from Dan.

“Yeah,” Phil croaks, “I guess so.”

Dan smiles at him and then once Phil has turned and is heading for the door he hears a rustle of plastic behind him, he thinks nothing of it before his curiosity grows too heavy for him and he takes a final glance back to see where Dan’s sat, a little blister pack in his hands, as he seemingly swallows down a pill with a sip of his coffee.

Phil frowns before he turns and heads down the hallway.

He’ll have to ask him later if he’s feeling okay - perhaps he was tired, or had a bit of a headache, Phil knew all too well about headaches unfortunately, and perhaps if Dan was feeling unwell he could offer him some sort of comfort.

Instead he heads back to his room where Ethan of course still sleeps, taking up most of the bed from where he’s migrated towards the middle and Phil huffs a laugh at the sight of him.

He quickly snatches up his phone off the bedside where it’s been charging and opens up his camera to snap a picture of his starfish son, giggling quietly as he does so.

He wastes no time in opening up his texts and sends the photo to Natalie, typing out a text beneath it.

**phil:** _ looks like someones made themselves at home already _

The reply comes pretty quick, as if she’d already been by her phone.

 **natalie:** _i blame those gangly limbs on you, lester. spider genes, remember?_

The text seems to pull him under a wave of nostalgia. The term ‘spider genes’ was coined back when they’d first met - he’d been in the corner of the room of a party and she’d approached him and asked how a guy as tall as he was was trying to hard to hide away in the corner of the room. He’d laughed awkwardly and told her it was spider genes. He hadn’t expected for her to laugh as much as she had - but she did, so much so that she ended up spilling red bull and vodka over his favourite shirt.

Not that it mattered because only a few hours after that he left that exact shirt in the bedroom of that strangers house along with all the other clothes they ripped off each other.

**phil:** _ dont hate on my spider genes. my spider parents are here and they will be offended. _

**natalie:** _i thought your mum was a lobster?_

He laughs, maybe too loud when he looks back at Ethan before realising he hasn’t stirred yet.

He remembers a time just after Ethan was born - things were difficult and stressful and it wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. One night Ethan wouldn’t stop crying; no matter what they tried he’d continue to wail and wail and wail and it was slowly driving them both insane.

It was then that Phil noticed how tired Nat was. She had her hands running through her hair so often it begun to grow a little greasy under her palm, alongside the dark heavy bags under her eyes that wouldn’t shift lately.

She’d tried everything with Ethan, up to the point where she started getting genuinely frustrated.

Phil, helpless as ever, had picked up a little beanie lobster off the couch; one of the thousands they’d collected in gifts the last few weeks and had wiggled it in the air above Ethan’s little head where Natalie was rocking him.

“Maybe the lobster will help,” he’d offered softly. And with a final waggle of it’s soft claws, Natalie seemingly broke past her resistance.

“The lobster won’t fucking help, Phil! The lobster can fuck off! Shove it up your arse for all I care!”

Phil, taken aback by her sudden outburst had simply blinked at her and said quietly.

“But my mum bought him this.”

Looking back now, it was a poor choice of what to say in that situation, but hilarious now as he remembers her face going red and her yelling at him,

“For all I care, your mother could be this exact fucking lobster! Just get it out of my face before I chuck it out the pissing window!”

He laughs to himself as he stares down at the text and shakes his head with a smile. He’s not so sure what’s making her so nostalgic lately - it happens sometimes when Phil and Ethan go away for a while, like she fills up their space with the strangest of memories.

Phil sends back a sad face emoji beside a lobster emoji and closes his phone. He’ll get Ethan to give her a call later on. He smiles again, thinking about stupid spider genes and lobster mums.

It didn’t work out with Natalie the way it should have - he didn’t meet her, fall in love, get married and have thousands of babies with her. It didn’t matter though. It never had, what mattered was that he could still text her about the stupidest things and she’d always reply.

Natalie was his friend. Not only because they had a child together, they knew that they always wanted a healthy relationship between them for Ethan’s sake. But that came natural to them; there was never any hard feelings or bitterness towards the other, and that he was grateful for. It made a lot of things a little easier.

*

A short while passes, and whilst Phil considers maybe texting Jimmy to pass the time, he realises there’s probably not a chance he’s even awake get to respond, as well as the fact that Phil had somehow managed to skip out the whole part of Dan coming along with him, and decides to wait until Monday to dump it all into him.

After a couple of minutes of switching between various apps and mindlessly browsing between them without much thought, he can hear the rest of the house begin to stir, as well as Ethan.

“Morning,” Phil says as he watches him blearily gather his surroundings before remembering where he is and breaking into a smile.

“Are we going to the beach today?” he asks quickly as he sits up, suddenly full of energy. Phil envies him a little for that.

“Maybe. Depends on what it’s like out,” he says looking to the window where it looks kinda grey out.

It looks as if Ethan’s about to complain, so Phil quickly butts in with something about breakfast and he’s got him interested where he leaps out of bed and leaves the room, Phil following behind him, where they run into Dan and Noah on the stairs.

“Hi again,” Dan smiles, and Phil notices he’s dressed, suddenly feeling a little silly in his ninja turtles pyjamas, but smiles nonetheless as he lets Dan go down before him.

They reach the bottom of the stairs to be hit with the smell of cooked breakfast; Phil isn’t the biggest lover of savoury breakfast, but something about his mum’s cooking has his stomach ready to devour whatever she sets down in front of him.

They say their round of mornings to everybody, Dan of course does in fact thank Kath for the coffee earlier, to which she responds with a laugh and a pinch of his cheek. Dan goes a little red and Phil can’t help but snigger a laugh at him.

“Right, we’ve got it all going on today boys!” Nigel exclaims loudly as he makes work to the sizzling bacon in the pan. Phil can’t help but lick his lips.

“We want all of it!” Ethan says excitedly, hopping up and down to try and catch a glimpse of what’s cooking but Kath simply gives him a gentle shove towards his chair and a half stern look that has him sitting down quietly.

“How was your sleep Dan?” Kath asks as she sits down in her own chair - she’s also now dressed, hair a little damp.

Dan nods politely. “Lovely, thank you.”

Kath smiles at him. “You don’t mind having to share a bed with your youngin, do you?” She asks and Dan shakes his head quickly.

“No, not at all,” he smiles. “It’s fine.”

Phil laughs sharply. “That’s alright if you don’t have an octopus for a son,” Phil teases as he looks round at Ethan who has a grin on his face he’s trying to hide.

“I am not!” he giggles.

“You are, I’ve got the bruises to prove it,” Phil tells him, and Ethan giggles again.

“I didn’t mean to kick you. Or punch you. Or whack you.”

Phil gives him his best Dad look without actually appearing cross an Ethan bursts into laughter again.

“I think I should kick you out and have you sleep all alone downstairs in the dark,” Phil jokes and Ethan laughs again.

“Na, I’d have Noah with me and-“ it’s like a lightbulb moment gone off in his head as he sits up in his seat with the widest grin.

“Can we sleep in the living room tonight? Me and Noah? That would be so cool, dad!” he says excitedly.

Phil looks to Dan who shrugs with a smile.

“Well I wouldn’t mind it. And I’m sure Grandma wouldn’t, would you?” He looks to Kath who reaches over and ruffles Ethan’s already messed hair with her hand.

“Of course not sweetheart.”

Ethan looks to Phil expectantly.

“Well have you asked Noah? Would he like that?”

Ethan gives a quiet Noah a little nudge in the elbow who looks to him. It’s then that Phil realises he doesn’t have his aid in. He watches Noah train his eyes on Ethan’s lips as he speaks.

“Sleepover!” he says loudly. “Sleepover in the living room!” he says whilst pointing to the next room over.

Poor Noah must not have gotten any of it, because he turns to Dan for help.

Dan huffs a fond laughs and begins to sign for him.

There’s a beat of silence before Noah is nodding excitedly and turning back to Ethan to nod at him too.

Ethan gives him a high five of approval and starts rambling on about blankets and forts and scary movies (which is already a no) all whilst Noah just stares at him with a grin as Ethan erratically goes on and on about how epic their night is going to be tonight.

He’s settled down when Nigel is coming over with an array of cooked foods and sliced bread and toast - the amount of food that’s probably too much for just six people, but Phil’s not about to complain.

He sticks his fork into a sausage and looks across the table to where Kath is pressuring him to pile up the bacon on his plate. Phil takes a bite and smiles at Dan, who mouths,

_ “Thank you.” _

*

Once breakfast is over, drabbles of conversation moved over from the kitchen table into the living room, Phil willingly volunteers to wash dishes whilst his parents put their feet up in the living room and spend the next twenty minutes having to have an earful from a chattering Ethan whilst Noah watches him silently, whirling around the room.

Dan of course, still pulling for Kath points (and Nigel points, Phil suspects, as he’s seen Dan cheerfully thank Nigel for such a delicious breakfast) has of course offered to help too, with the pair of them quickly assigning themselves to one washing, one drying.

“God, this food is always so nice but once I see the amount of grease I’ve probably consumed it gives me half the motivation to perhaps convert to strict veganism,” Phil grimaces as he scrubs away at a used pan and Dan chuckles beside him as he wipes away suds from a plate.

  
“Only half the motivation?” he asks with a grin and Phil shrugs as he hands Dan the now clean pan, picking up the next to be washed.   
  
“Well yeah. I mean, like this stuff is kind nasty,” Phil tells him as he squeezes out a generous amount of dish soap onto the next pan, watching it sit grossly on top of the fat grease layer. “But then I remember Chinese food exists and I’m like..”   
  
He turns to face Dan and give him a shrug to which Dan just nods.   
  
“That’s true,” he says as he dries off the pan and sets it down. “Although it’s not that hard once you commit.”   
  
Phil scrubs harshly at the pan with his sponge. “You’ve been vegan?” he asks curiously and Dan hums.   
  
“Was kind of a half attempt.”   
  
Phil looks up at Dan to see him grin at him. Phil huffs a laugh and a few soap suds fly off the pan and into the sink.   
  
“Was more of a health choice. Not going very well anymore though,” Dan tells him. “Not with all the Chinese food I’ve been consuming since I met you.”

Phil feels an airy flutter in his chest at the indication.

There’s a loud giggle that sounds like Ethan come from the other room and Phil huffs a small laugh as he carries on scrubbing.

“Think it’s a good idea to let them stay down here together?” Phil asks, already imagining the giggles and noise he’s sure to be hearing well into the night ahead of them.   
  
Dan, seems a million miles away, until Phil playfully swipes a handful of suds at his arm, making him jump a little before blinking at Phil with a wide grin.   
  
“Sorry, kinda zoned out there,” Dan blushes, that spot on his jaw flushing a small shade of pink and Phil laughs at him.   
  
“The kids,” Phil prompts him. “Probably not the best idea to let them both spend a night down here, don’t you think?”   
  
Of course, Phil doesn’t really care; he’s glad Ethan’s found a friend like Noah, and the sound of their giggles and playing about doesn’t bother him in the slightest.   
  
Dan hums as he dries over the same dish. Phil looks at him.   
  
“It’s a good thing though,” Dan says quietly, as if in deep thought. He looks up at Phil with thoughtful eyes. “He’s usually so bad at staying away from me. I’m glad Ethan gives him that kind of confidence.”   
  
It’s the kind of swell in his heart that can only be described as being a proud parent; knowing that the way he’s raised his child has brought happiness to another gives him an indescribable feeling that bubbles up in his chest and makes the corner of his lips tug into a wide grin.   
  
Phil simply shrugs it off, feeling like he might gush to Natalie about it - that’ll cheer her up even more from her little bit of homesickness away from Ethan, and goes back to washing up.   
  
“It’s okay,” he mumbles, mouth still stupidly stuck in a grin. “I thought it would be a good idea to get away for a moment from the kids - you weren’t well this morning?” he adds on looking up at Dan who looks at him.   
  
He looks puzzled, with his brow curved and so Phil fills in for him.   
  
“The pills. The pills you took with your coffee this morning?” he asks and Dan’s face seems to melt into recognition for a second before he laughs it off.   
  
“Oh - oh yeah, those,” he chuckles. “Yeah, no, I - uh, yeah.”   
  
He ducks his head back down and continues on getting the same dish impossibly dry.   
  
Phil reaches over and takes it from his hands gently and places it on the side with the others, handing him a different wet dish. Dan smiles sweetly at him.   
  
“They’re my antidepressants,” Dan says in a quiet voice, Phil doesn’t react, but simply nods.   
  
“Its - they’re… they’re like, old news,” Dan huffs a nervous laugh and Phi flickers his gaze up to see Dan rubbing over the dish with the cloth, not looking up yet.   
  
“I’ve had them for years. Just a thing but - but I’m fine.”   
  
Dan lets out a big shaky breath and places the plate back down, looking up at Phil as he does so.   
  
He’s looking out to read him, brown eyes scan over his face until Phil smiles at him softly and Dan’s expression relaxes a little.   
  
“It’s alright,” Phil tells him. Dan doesn’t owe him an explanation as to what was in those pills this morning - in fact, Phil feels a bit silly just presuming, but he daren’t tell Dan that, and instead Dan laughs sounding relieved and Phil laughs back.   
  
“Thanks though,” Dan says after some time. They’re on the last few dishes now. “Thanks for being so…” he pauses.    
  
“So  _ nice _ .”   
  
Phil feels his tummy tighten, fluttering furiously like his entire body gets jumbled up inside him. All he can do is grin at the big blob of dish soap he has on the plate in his hands.   
  
“Yeah well,” Phil says awkwardly. “You’re just a - a good person that deserves to have people be nice to.”   
  
The words fall out of his mouth, and Phil looks up quickly at Dan to see his expression. Worried, he’s ready to apologise for his stupid big mouth saying dumb things, but he’s stopped short when he sees the little watery glimmer in Dan’s eyes that he’s obviously trying hard to hold back. His smile is wobbly and he genuinely looks touched.   
  
The stare at each other for a while, and when Phil’s fingers feel pruned he hears a voice come into the kitchen.   
  
“Almost done boys? We’re heading to the beach in an hour, so unless you want to be walking around sporting those hideous pyjamas, Phil, I’d suggest you best get ready.”   
  
Phil looks past Dan to see Kath, grinning at them both. Phil’s stomach flip flops inside of him.   
  
Clearing his throat, Phil lets the last plate sink in the mini pool of water and soap and makes quick effort to dry his wet hands off on his thighs.   
  
“I’ll go get ready then,” Phil says, but it’s more to Dan rather to his mum, who simply nods and watches him walk out. When Phil passes Kath at the doorway, she gives him a cheeky grin and a wink and Phil can only scoff at her.   
  
But once he’s out the room and taking the stairs two at a time, he feels his face being pulled back into a stupidly big grin that he somehow can’t wipe off. And he’s not sure he’ll ever want to, not when it feels as good as this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	18. Chapter 18

It doesn’t take all the long to get ready, now that Phil has a little spring in his step, and once everybody is ready, they head out.

The rain has ceased for now; sky still looming over them in a miserable grey, but it’s still warm out and they take the short walk from the house to the beach.

Ethan runs ahead, Noah trying to adorably keep up with him, whilst Kath and Nigel walk hand in hand with Dan and Phil at the back.

“It’s really lovely here, isn’t it?” Dan says as he shoves his hands into his pockets, taking a deep breath in and out.

Phil does the same, feeling the fresh sea air flood his lungs almost as if they’re cleansing them.

“Yeah. I love it here,” Phil tells him as the continues to walk side by side. “When I retire, I’d like to think it’d be here somewhere.”

Dan hums. “And how long would that be? Three months from now?”

Phil pretends to be hurt with a sharp gasp. “Rude.”

Dan laughs and shakes his head, “I’m only joking, you look good for you age… for forty.”

Phil looks at him with a scowl to see his face break into a grin, looking rather pleased with himself. He pulls his hand out of his pocket and swats him on the arm and Dan gives a high shriek to which Kath and Nigel both curiously turn their heads towards.

Phil smiles awkwardly at them as they go back to walking ahead and Dan laughs, loud and giggly.

“I’m not forty,” Phil says sourly, no real bite behind it. “Still got..” he pauses to do the maths.

“Nine January’s to go still.”

Dan nods, impressed with his quick math skills clearly.

“You’re a January baby. Let me guess… Capricorn?”

Phil shakes his head and Dan curses under his breath.

“Aquarius,” he corrects him proudly, giving Dan a little nudge in the ribs with his elbow.

“Let me guess yours,” he says and Dan snorts a laugh.

“Go on then.”

Phil studies him for a moment, eyes meeting his gaze, as if his face will reveal when his birthday is - but he ends up just staring at his dimple, and his lips, and the crinkles around his eyes and the freckles that dot his almost perfect skin and the curl that rests against his temple and -

“Earth to Phil? Are you actually trying to access my mind?” Dan snaps him out of his trance with a giggle and Phil feels his cheeks blush a little red.

“What?” He says dumbly, already forgotten their conversation from ten seconds ago.

“My star sign. You were trying to guess it?” Dan prompts him, still smiling ear from ear. Now that Phil looks, he notices the little silver hoop that hangs from one of them. It does something funny to his stomach.

Dan laughs again and it suddenly registers in his brain to say something instead of just gawking at his face forever.

“Scorpio,” he says randomly. He can’t actually remember how they work, and he’s had no real time to make a real guess, which he assumes is wrong anyways from the way snorts at him again.

“Way off mate. Gemini,” he corrects him, giving him his own little nudge in his ribs.

“Oh. Right,” Phil says trying to remember what dates it falls under. “So September, right?”

Dan laughs again, clearly amused, but it doesn’t seem with cruel intentions.

“June. The 11th to be exact - do you actually know anything about star signs?” He asks with a curl of his lip and Phil makes a mental note that June 11th isn’t actually that far from now.

“No,” he says and then laughs. “I just thought I could guess.”

Dan laughs with him. “Like a psychic?”

Phil nods, “Yup. My grandma was one you know. My mum thinks she may have passed down the psychic gene to me or something,” he tells him seriously to which Dan laughs again.

It’s obvious to Phil now of much much he enjoys hearing Dan laugh.

“You’re such a strange person,” Dan says with a shake of his head, looking at Phil with crinkled eyes and a dimples grin.

Phil just shrugs his shoulders.

*

The beach, they realise, isn’t as warm as the anticipated. The sun still shines bright through tufts of clouds that wisp around in the newly summer sky, but Phil still wraps his arms around his middle as they take the long slow walk across the shore, just far enough that they wont risk getting soggy feet.

  
Dan strides beside him with a happy smile on his face.   
  
“Are you not cold?” Phil asks as the wind breezes past him and he feels a shiver strike down his spine lightly.   
  
Dan shakes his head, looking rather proud. “Nah. I reckon I’m like, warm blooded or something - I think my body temperature is constantly set to warm,” he laughs as he kicks up a little toe of sand.   
  
Ethan giggles somewhere, voice loud and carried by the wind as both boys run around poor Kath and Nigel who are trying to stop them from getting their shoes wet.   
  
Phil laughs through his nose. “I bet that comes in handy, huh?”   
  
Dan looks at him, a warm smile on his lips.    
  
“Yeah. For some.”   
  
Phil looks out to where the sea merges with the sky. He takes a deep breath and is hit with the intensity of salt and fresh air for once. He feels worlds away from London, and its times like these that he realises why his parents love it down here so much.   
  
Maybe he could see himself coming to live here one day - when Ethan was big enough to not need him anymore, he thinks, but then stops; the ideas of his little child growing up to not have to rely on him anymore, just like this mornings thought, slam into him again, and he exhales; letting the sea drag them away with each steady movement it makes in slow, smooth waves.   
  
“What are you thinking about?” Dan asks softly. He turns to face him, and he can see the freckles being lit up by the sun that keeps poking in and out of clouds. His mouth runs dry.   
  
“Stuff,” he says lamely and Dan laughs.   
  
“Stuff?” he asks with a toothy grin, his dimple visible once more.   
  
Phil hums. “Yeah. I think I have a tendency to go outside of my head sometimes,” he tells him with a genuine voice.

He’s always been told he’s a bit of a daydreamer, and he wouldn’t deny that - but sometimes he feels like there’s so much more to his brain than the boundaries of his skull, letting it float away and go someplace else for a while whilst his body works on auto pilot.

Dan huffs another laugh and ducks his head down with a grin.    
  
“You’re really something else, you know that?’   
  
For once, to Phil it doesn’t sound like something negative. His stomach swirls dangerously.   
  
“Yeah?” he says softly.   
  
Dan looks back up at him, and right here, right now, he’s never looked more incredible.   
  
“Yeah. It’s endearing.”   
  
It feels a lot more than the weird flirty banter that they’ve endured between them so far; more than the towel moment on the stairs, more than footsies under the table or lonely wanks.   
  
It feels like something different; something perhaps a little better than those things.   
  
Phil smiles at him, he’s afraid if he says something, he might end up saying something stupid, but then he’s saved - Ethan gives a shriek and he can hear his mother telling him off.   
  
He turns to face where he can hear the commotion up ahead and of course, Ethan is stood, jumping up and down and Kath is trying to make him stand still and he can hear her motherly toned voice trying to get him to listen to her, but Phil laughs nonetheless as he watches them up ahead.   
  
“We should probably go help,” Dan says, smiling still and Phils nods.   
  
“Yeah,” he nods as they make their way to where the rest of their group is.    
  
When they arrive, Phil can hear Ethan complaining about his feet being wet and Kath telling him she’d already told him not to get too close to the shore.   
  
It looks like he’s about to argue back, but Phil pipes in quickly.   
  
“Ethan don’t argue with grandma please, you’ll have to suffer with soggy socks for now.”   
  
Ethan makes a face, clearly not impressed, although, Phil’s feeling slightly silly for not even bringing a second pair of shoes with them, and can only help they’ll end up drying somehow.   
  
“You don’t see Noah running into the water? Do you?” Kath tells him sternly and Ethan goes a little pink across his cheeks, clearly embarrassed now.   
  
“But, we were just trying to get closer to the boats,” Ethan pouts as he points out towards the sea where in the far distance, it looks like a small group of rowing boats with a few people head out across the stretch of the horizon.   
  
They look out for a moment at the dots of people, when out of the corner of his eye, Phil sees Noah grab at Dan’s arm for attention to which he turns to him.   
  
Noah points his finger to where the boats are, grinning wide and happily, when he says,   
  
“Look! Daddy!”   
  
Kath and Nigel aren’t obviously fazed about it, and neither would of Phil, if it wasn’t for his previous knowledge about Noah’s “other daddy” that apparently had a boat. A boat that Noah is happily pointing out with the biggest grin on his face.   
  
Phil flickers his gaze to Dan, who looks a little pale for a moment before he looks at Phil. It’s one of those awkward moments that cause them both to look away and Phil does, looking back out at the people that are slowly disappearing now as they row away out of sight and Kath is back to lightly telling Ethan off again about wet feet and he’s scoffing and Nigel is laughing but all Phil can think about now is Dan.   
  
He looks back at him again to see, and Dan is crouched down and is talking quietly to Noah who has a look of confusion on his face.   
  
Phil is about to say something, ask perhaps if he’s alright, before his dad’s voice booms beside him.   
  
“Right!” He claps his hands together and rubs, “Who wants ice cream?”   
  
*   
  
They eat ice cream sat on the wall a little further back from the shore, away from sand and the sea where Phil’s sure they’d end up with an ice cream related disaster involving sand.   
  
Noah doesn’t seem so interested in his, compared to Ethan who’s managed to smear it across his face in big licks.   
  
Usually he’d maybe tell him off a little bit - but he watches his happy grin and excited eyes and he can’t help but go back to the done to death excuse of: they’re on holiday.   
  
Dan is sat furthest away from him, right on the end beside Noah, not really giving much thought to his own ice cream, mindlessly giving little licks as he stares out towards the sea.   
  
Phil thinks about talking to him, not now of course, but maybe when they get home. He’s not really sure what he’d say, but he supposed he’ll have the whole walk back to think of something - something not stupid and something good.   
  
Something that won’t mess everything up.   
  
Instead, Kath fills the growing silence.

“So Dan, child therapy. How long have you been doing that for then?” She asks kindly and all of a sudden Dan licks up a mouthful of ice cream as if trying to maybe stall to think over his answer.

Phil would tease him slightly if they weren’t in the same weird situation of awkwardness again.

Once he’s swallowed down his food his speaks,

“Um, as soon as Noah was born really. A little while after that,” he says, his voice sounding a touch nervous and Phil can guess why.

His mum isn’t rude on purpose; she tends to have a tendency to overstep and cross boundaries, not picking up when somebody clearly doesn’t want to engage in conversation - and knowing his mum as well as he does, he’ll know she’ll bluntly ask questions without meaning to sound that way.

Questions that Phil himself has been trying to figure out, and Phil knows that if he can’t pry them out of Dan, his mum can only try.

He’s not so sure of the results thought.

Kath does a happy little hum. “Oh, that's lovely. I suppose having children always makes those decisions a little easier, hm?”

It sounds like a bloody interrogation and Phil doesn’t miss the way that Dan shifts a little on his seat on the wall, with a wiry smile.

“I guess.”

“So did you go to university?” She asks and Phil thinks maybe he should butt in but Dan speaks instead.

“No,” he says quickly, but then looking like he's already regretting opening his mouth.

Phil wants to just to shove his ice cream into his face and be blissfully happy as the children beside him.

“So how did you get into a job like that? It must be very hard?” She asks with a frown, and anybody that didn’t know her well enough would think she sounds accusatory.

Dan seems to swallow just air.

“I, uh,” he ducks his head back down and stretches a long leg out in front of him, before looking back at Kath“A friend,” he croaks, and Kath simply nods.

“Well. It’s a good job to get into. I know my Philly here could have used a good looking into his brain when he was a child. Right weirdo,” she teases as she grins at him.

Phil looks to Dan, feeling a little uneasy at the delicate joke, considering what Dan had told Phil earlier about the whole depression thing, and watches his expression, which turns out to be a smile, then a laugh, like everything’s okay again.

Like a spell has been broken. Mums are weird like that.

“I was thinking the same,” he replies, but he’s looking back at Phil again, eyes sparkling and warm.

Phil smiles back.

*

They make the walk back home when the kids are complaining about sore feet and Nigel actually pipes in to agree, something about old bones and Kath only swats him on the arm as she reluctantly agrees to head back.

Ethan’s long forgotten about his wet feet and Phil watches him and Noah skip up ahead of the group whilst Dan and Phil hang back again. Phil wonders if she’s doing that purposely, his mum, where she walks up ahead offering to make sure her grandson doesn’t wander into the road and get himself hurt, leaving the two of the dads to walk side by side again.

Phil keeps thinking of things to say - something normal and not weird, but nothing that’s not already them. If he started blabbering about the weather, he’d feel like he’s taking a million steps backwards, when all he wants to do is take a single step forwards.

He waits for Dan to say something, and every time Phil steals a glance, it looks like he’s deep in thought. Instead, their silence is broken by the squawk of seagulls up ahead of them, and the now distant rush of waves against the beach.

They take a few more steps when Phil forces his tongue to do something.

“I started my job when Ethan was born too.”

He’s not sure why that’s what he says first, maybe the earlier conversation lingering on his mind, but it’s something at least.

Dan hums, and it sounds like he’s genuinely listening, maybe waiting for Phil to keep filling in the gaps until he figures out what to say. So that’s exactly what he does.

“I was really bricking it. I mean, I had Natalie to help me, but starting a new job with a baby was like, well hard. The hardest thing possible back then,” he says, voice going soft at the end as he looks to where Ethan walks nicely beside his dad, chattering away.

It’s weird that things don’t ever stop being hard when your kid is born. It’s like a constant test.

“But I guess I sucked it up and just did it. It was worth it in the end, I mean, I don’t hate my job, but I’m glad I got to do something I actually enjoy instead of doing something for the sake of a job, you know?”

He looks to Dan, and for a second he doesn’t really expect an answer, but Dan does a breathy little laugh and looks up at him.

“I was gonna be a lawyer.”

Phil blinks at him. He can’t really imagine that.

“I know,” he rolls his eyes with a side grin, “bet that’s hard to picture.”

Phil laughs. “Kinda. No offence.”

Dan laughs back. “None taken. I’m so glad I didn’t decide to go down that route. I think I would have been a disastrous lawyer in all honesty.”

Phil swallows thickly, before saying,

“So what made you not want to do that?”

Dan opens his mouth and shuts it again and Phil’s already worried he’s pushed too far when he actually answers,

“I ended up having Noah,” he says softly.

Phil looks at him; maybe they aren’t so far from each other as he thought.

“I was only twenty two. I got one year into my law course, did stupid stuff and ended up with a baby and no degree,” he sighs heavily like it’s been resting heavy on him. He supposes it has, really.

“Not that Noah was a mistake - well, an unplanned baby, really,” he adds quickly, looking to Phil with wide eyes but Phil laughs gently.

“It’s okay. It’s not as if Ethan was in my university plans either.”

Dan’s face relaxes into a smile.

“So I dropped out, moved back home to my parents house, had about a million breakdowns, stuff happened and I ended up in the job I’m in now and moved to London and… met you, of course.”

Phil looks at him to see his face crack into a wide smile. It makes his stomach flutter dangerously.

“It all worked out then?” Phil asks softly and Dan hums.

“Yeah,” Dan says in a quiet voice. “Seems to be.”   
  
Phil smiles at him, their eyes meet and feels a swirl in his stomach. Everything seems to be slowly falling into place now. Nothing is set in stone yet, Phil still needs to figure out what “stuff happened” means - and even if it takes a while, he’s sure he won’t give up now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	19. Chapter 19

By the time the little group of six return back to the house, its started raining again, and Kath watches it, a miserable look on her face as her eyes trail down a long, said trail of rain is left behind on the window.

“Goodness,” she tuts with a shake of her head. “Trust it to rain when you arrive Phil. Talk about terrible timing.”

Phil kicks his shoes off by the door, Ethan doing the same as Dan helps Noah with his. He pops his head up quickly.

“That’d be me. Sorry,” he jokes, although it takes a while for Kath to get it.

Phil scoffs, when suddenly Kath understands, looking at Dan with a frown.

“Don’t be so silly, dear,” she says to him as he stands to take his own shoes off. His face has gone a little red now, Phil notes.

“You are just delightful,” she smiles warmly at him and Dan’s face goes a deeper shade of red.

Phil’s trying to hide a smile as he struggles with his other shoe when his mum turns to face him.

“Wouldn’t you say so, Phil?”

Phil’s smile is wiped completely off his face, deadpanning at his mother before looking awkwardly at Dan.

Curse Kath and her wicked ways.

He clears his throat. “I dunno. Seems alright to me,” he says quietly in a jokey tone he hopes is heard.

Thankfully, the pair of them pick up on his slight dry humour and laugh it off. When Phil looks back up Dan’s stood staring at him. He gives him a small smile.

“You’re alright too.”

It’s Phil turn to go bright red. There it is again; clear as day flirting. In front of his mother too.

He’s not sure what to say - not even sure if he’ll open his mouth and words would even come out when Kath speaks instead. Maybe she’s oblivious to the little moment they’d just had in those small few seconds, or maybe it’s just a coincidence, but he’s sure his mother holds some kind of superpower within her.

“Right, well, the beach is clearly off for today,” she says, trying to sound optimistic even though Phil knew she clearly enjoyed long family walks down to the coast.

And there was only two more things Kath enjoyed more than beach walks.

“So what about movie and a game night?” She claps her hands with a twinkle in her eyes.

Phil looks to Dan to see his reaction: which perfectly matches Kath’s, as he nods enthusiastically.

“Sounds great!” He smiles, then turns to Phil. “Phil?”

Phil swallows thickly. “Sure.”

“Brilliant,” Kath claps her hands against, the rain now long forgotten. “Nigel!” She calls out past Phil.

“Get the popcorn ready, love! It’s a Lester family night!”

*

Lester Family Night usually consists of the few same things: a collection of the same favourite snacks. They’ll usually go out the day before and head down to the little corner shop where Phil will bicker to Martyn about which is better; tangfastics or haribos (before Cornelia reminds them both that they’re actually adults and are free to pick their own sweets out) and usually return home with way too many snacks to which Nigel sighs and tells them it’ll ruin his diet, before scoffing everybodies favourites anyways.

They’ll usually sift through various games; some old, some new, and usually at Christmas they’ll crack up the new game Kath buys the family.

Lester Family Nights usually end with a movie chosen between the group - sometimes some bickering between themselves whilst Nigel shrugs and falls asleep halfway through.

Lester Family Nights sometimes include a couple of glasses of wine and popcorn of Phil’s choice to which Martyn complains of him being a spoilt baby and Kath just coos over him. Of course, there’s no ill intent because when Phil’s picked something scary and his brother is hiding into his girlfriend's shoulder, Phil will laugh at him.

Lester Family Nights usually consist of… well… Lesters, with Cornelia being the exception of course, because according to Kath, she’s practically married into the family without any kind of legal proof, which is true really.

Lester Family Nights don't usually include Dan’s and Noah’s, so when he’s helping his mum set up Scrabble, he’s looking tentatively at him from across the room.

“Nigel? Playing?” Kath’s voice brings Phil away from his thoughts and back to the forefront where Dan is sat by the coffee table with a smile in Phil’s direction.

Nigel simply watches the game from afar, like he always does and it makes Phil grin to think maybe his dad put up with so many Family Nights and games just for the sake of pleasing his mother.

They end up splitting into three teams; Dan and Noah, Phil and Ethan and Kath with the occasional mumble from Nigel who sits behind her on his comfortable armchair.

Phil’s in the lead for once. Without Martyn’s brotherly competitiveness he eases his way to winning top spot. He figures it’d be a bit embarrassing to have the only English language university major have a bad game of scrabble.

Five minutes into the game, Dan’s eyes light up as he takes his little cubed letters and arranges them around the board.

It reads: “yacht.”

Phil’s tummy twists at the sudden reminder of boats and mystery men but Kath commends him for his word and awards him the extra four points for using a Y and Dan gives Phil a devilish grin from across the small coffee table, that of probably competitiveness.

Ethan has a go - the kids aren’t really interested, and Ethan only wants the letters to spell out his own name, and Noah doesn’t seem to really understand at all; picking up the cubes and rolling them like dice in slight confusion.

They take a break in the game and Kath suggests the kids go watch a movie upstairs whilst they finish off the game with some wine and a movie.

Phil finds himself losing interest too. His turns become quick and bored and not thought out at all, and it seems both Kath and Dan are oblivious to Phil’s unwanted participation as they tease him for slipping under.

Then, when it’s Phil’s go again, he finds himself a little stuck for words to use. He supposes he could pass and give the go so kindly to his mum, but with a final attempt of maybe speeding the game up, he comes to a conclusion and spells out the letters on the board.

Kath cranes her neck to read it aloud as she reads over it.

“Charizard?” She reads, looking back up to Phil with confusion. “That’s not a word, is it?”

Phil looks down at his word, then back at his mum.

“Well, Yeah. It’s a -“

“Pokemon.”

Phil looks to Dan, who has a grin on his face. “It’s a Pokemon. Are Pokemon allowed?”

Phil blinks at him. “I mean. Yeah. They’re words, aren’t they?”

Dan licks his lips and it’s like his mum and dad have suddenly vanished from the room and it’s just Dan and him here now. He kinda wished it was.

“In that case, Lester. Take that.”

He sets down the letters and waits for Phil to read, who snorts a laugh when he does.

“Final Fantasy doesn’t count!” Phil laughs as his eyes go over the word: tombery.

“Do so,” Dan crosses his arms over his chest, smile not once faltering.

“Whatever happened to animals like… cats? Or dogs?” Phil hears his dad say from the chair but for once Phil ignores him.

Skipping over his mums go, Phil picks up his letters in his palm and stares at them.

“Okay. Here.”

“Goomba?” Nigel reads, leaning over to read over Kath’s shoulder when she laughs,

“I know that one! He’s the little frog guy from Mario,” she says sounding pleased with herself when Dan pipes up quickly.

“He’s a toad, actually, and a Goomba are the mushrooms.”

As soon as he says it, the colour drains from his smug little face and his arms drop from his chest, giving Kath a horrified look.

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry - I turn into a right.. arse, when I play games. Foot in mouth or something. My mum used to ban me.”

Kath simply laughs and Phil watches the air deflate from poor Dan.

“Love. You’re alright. Nothing like a little banter.”

Dan laughs weakly, shooting Phil a stressed look, to which Phil giggles at him.

As Kath stands to grab the wine, Nigel following her with the promise of hidden peanuts, Phil means across the table with a grin.

“So much for Kath points.”

Dan’s face burns red and he stretches his leg out under the table to kick at Phil, but Phil somehow catches it, and grips his socked foot in his hand and squeezes.

Neither of them say anything until Phil’s parents return with wine and snacks and it’s only when Kath is handing Phil a bowl of popcorn he finally lets go of Dan’s foot.

They share a weird look between them, and even when Nigel dims the lights, Phil looks across at Dan to see the blush still grow deep red against his cheeks, lips pulled into a slight smile.

Phil looks away and focuses his attention on where Netflix starts up and Kath and Nigel discuss what looks good and Phil for once doesn’t care. Doesn’t care because he can see Dan look at him in the corner of his eye and he can’t help the upward curve of his lips.

And when he steals a quick glance back, Dan’s still smiling too.

*

It takes them a while to settle on what movie to pick; it always has, being in a household that holds so much varied taste in what warrants for a night of entertainment.

Martyn was into those strange foreign films Phil never understood. (He wasn’t sure his parents understood them either)   
  
His dad liked documentaries but rather kept quiet when it came to picking movies only because he had no real voice of interest, whilst his mum would suggest the movies that neither Phil nor his brother would find interesting - the types that received a two star with a story that sounded as generic as the last film.   
  
The one thing he could agree on with his mother was the tv they watched together. Well, not actually together, but when a new episode of Doctor Foster would start up, he’d have his phone ready and open to have a text talk with his mother throughout the next twenty minutes.   
  
But when it came to movies, Phil found himself being drawn to the horror selection, must to everyone else’s disain. Perhaps it was because he was a weird kid, his thinks. He spent his summers dancing around grassy fields with ketchup down his shirt, screaming until his throat run raw, laughing along with his friends when the camera stopped rolling - even way into his early university days where the one occasion even earned them a visit from the campus guards for their worrying behaviour of blood curdling yells and thumping around so late at night.   
  
But Phil loved a movie that made his heart pick up pace a little and gave him that adrenaline rush, even if it scared him a little. Like Dan, he supposes.   
  
“What kind of movies do you watch, Dan?” Kath asks Dan, turning to face him as she hands Phil the remote.   
  
Dan shrinks back a little in his corner of the sofa beside Phil, crossing one ankle over the other rather awkwardly and Phil wants to tell him it’s okay to put his feet up, but he doesn’t, Dan speaks instead.   
  
“Oh, um, I like anything, really,” he smiles sweetly. Phil finds a smile pull at his lips. Probably trying to earn back those precious Kath points.   
  
Kath hums at him. “Really? No favourites?”   
  
Dan looks at her and looks as if he’s thinking, and when Phil glances towards him, he wonders if Dan’s really trying to think of his favourite movie, or if he’s just stalling to fill up conversation space.   
  
“Well. My favourite probably has to be Howl’s Moving Castle. Despite the horrible pun, of course,” he laughs at himself and Phil looks at him with a grin.   
  
“I love that movie,” Phil says to him, coming out a little quieter than intended. Dan smiles softly.   
  
“Is it on Netflix?” Kath asks curiously, once again popping the bubble Phil finds himself suspended in for a moment.   
  
He shakes his head and goes back to the tv, noticing how Dan does indeed tuck his legs up underneath him comfortably.   
  
“Uh, no, you wouldn’t like it,” he tells her as he flicks through the options.   
  
Kath laughs, “Not one of those bloody horror ones you like so much.”   
  
Phil turns to face her where she sits the other end of the sofa, with a false look of hurt on his face, “Hey!”   
  
Kath looks past Phil to peer at Dan behind him. “Did he ever tell you what posters littered his bedroom walls as a teenager?” she asks him and Phil finds his face prickle.   
  
“Mum,” he says under his breath but she ignores him, obviously.   
  
Dan lets out a cute laugh, “No.”   
  
“Bloody Buffy, vampires, scary stuff and that horrid Kill Bill poster you had on your door,” she shakes her head.   
  
Dan laughs again and Phil groans, hiding his face in his hands, accidently smacking himself with the remote in the process.   
  
“You liked Buffy?” Dan asks, voice gone all floaty and light from the tone of humour he has laced in his voice.   
  
Phil peers through his fingers to look at him. “ _ Liked _ ?”   
  
Dan laughs again, louder and more comfortable this time. “Oh my god. You’re a massive nerd.”   
  
Somehow when Dan says it, it doesn’t sound cruel or mocking or mean. It actually makes him feel good about himself; like Dan likes that.   
  
Phil pulls his hands away from his face. “Kill Bill is good. Probably the best.”   
  
Dan nods and looks to Kath past Phil, “Can’t argue with that. Although having a poster on your wall of a bloody, katana wielding Uma Thurman on your wall couldn’t be very comforting, could it?”   
  
Before Phil can say anything, Kath is butting in again, clearly enjoying this a little too much.   
  
“You should have seen his ceiling!” she laughs gleefully, like she enjoys torturing her youngest son.   
  
Phil squawks at her. “Mum!”   
  
“Oh god,” Dan is laughing again as Kath explains the horror (and masterpiece) that was the twenty pages stuck together on his bedroom ceiling above his bed, having a giant Sarah Michelle Geller head glaring down at him lovingly every waking day and night.   
  
When she’s told the story, even Nigel is laughing now.    
  
“You’re so…. weird,” Dan says to him, grin so wide across his face and a look of… fondness in his eyes. Every time Dan says those words to him, his heart kinda flips in his chest. It runs his mouth dry and makes his palms sweat. But once more he’s pulled away from the moment with the curious tone of his mother talking on his right.

“This looks good? Hm?”

He turns away from Dan to the tv to see a movie poster on the screen. Phil doesn’t bother to read the description and instead hums, sitting deep back in his seat.

He doesn’t think he’ll really have the space in his head to concentrate on a movie plot when all wants to do is think about Dan.

And when the movie plays and everyone is settled, Dan stretches his legs out, only slightly, just between the small gap that rests beside them. Phil notices in in the corner of his eyes, before he feels the wriggle of toes brush ever so lightly against his thigh.

The movie title starts playing and Phil can’t really concentrate on the opening scene, nor really hear it when his heart is thumping as loudly as it is now.

He doesn’t look down to where Dan’s toes rest against his leg; he doesn’t need to catch eyes with Dan to understand or to check his expression. And instead, Phil finds himself grinning wide, hoping the darkness that shrouds the room will hide it from any suspicious eyes.

Anybody but Dan, of course.

And as the movie keeps on playing, scene after scene rolling after the other with Phil paying no attention to, Dan doesn’t remove his foot from where it’s wedges under his thigh comfortably now.

Neither move. And Phil guesses it’s because neither of them want to.

*

When the movie ends, it’s late, and it’s not until Nigel gets up to turn the lights out and haul all four empty wine glasses to the kitchen, that Dan removes his feet, and hops up to help him.

Phil could whine at the emptiness under his leg that felt warm and comforting, but instead watches tiredly as Dan gathers up the glasses and helps clean up the small amount of mess.

Phil almost jumps out of his skin when he hears his mothers voice in his ear, near about forgetting she was actually sitting there.

“Good movie, eh Phil?” She asks with a yawn.

Phil wants to get to bed already. “Yeah,” he lies quick. He hadn’t really paid much attention at all, opting to focus on the occasional wriggle of toes underneath his leg where they just felt… right.

He turns to face Kath, and instantly recognises the expression she has etched onto her face, clearly unforgiving.

“You’re a terrible liar, boy.”

Phil feels heat spike in his cheeks. “What?”

Kath chuckles lightly at him and just reaches over and pats his knee with a gentle hand. “Just remember what I said earlier,” she whispers.

Before Phil can say anything more, he hears two pairs of feet come up behind him, turning round for it to be Dan and his dad.

“Well,” Nigel speaks between a yawn. “I’m knackered. You heading to bed, love?”

Kath hums, yawning again. “Yeah. Phil, darling, did you want the kiddies down here tonight? If they’re awake I can grab some blankets and pillows?”

Phil isn’t sure why, but he looks to Dan, who nods with a small shrug.

Phil nods at his mum. “Yeah. I’ll go check if they’re awake.”

*

They are awake when Phil checks. They’re snuggled down in Dan’s bed with Dan’s phone in their hand where the tinny sound of a YouTube video plays from the speakers. Upon seeing his dad, Ethan gives a groan.

“We have to go to bed?”

Phil tells him yes, and before he can argue, he reminds him of the little deal that involved sleepovers for the pair of them, which have both boys leaping out of bed and heading downstairs where Kath had lovingly set up the couch all comfy and cosy for them. It reminded Phil of when he was a kid, and he’d have his old friend Anya over; the pair of them would spend every waking hour together, with so many sleepovers of his parents couch.

She places a kiss on both their heads and Phil’s stomach flips. He says his good nights as Kath climbs the stairs, and he reminds his son to behave to which he promises in the form of a pinky finger.

As Phil is returning to his own room, he finds himself bumping into Dan in the hallway again as he emerges from the bathroom.

He has his pyjamas on and there’s something about the soft nighttime that makes his eyes look… incredible.

“They okay down there?” Dan asks, and Phil nods.

“Yeah. They’re good.”

Dan hums, smiling.

“Well, see you in the morning then,” Phil speaks after a moments silence.

Dan smiles again. His feet shuffle forward like there’s something he wants to say, or do, but instead, just gives an awkward nod and waves his hand that holds his toothbrush.

“Night Phil.”

When Dan’s gone to his room, Phil stays stood in the dark landing a little more. He watches the light spill in a tiny sliver underneath Dan’s door until it goes a little softer, and then, darkness.

The quietness of the house whilst everybody around him sleeps makes his tummy feel funny.

He swallows it all down and heads to his room, flopping onto the bed with a rush of air escaping his lungs, before he feels a breeze on his arms and sits up and grabs for his pjs. Throwing them on before he crawls underneath the covers and lays down.

He stares at the ceiling as his brain whirs.

It all seems crazy now: he really likes Dan, he thinks. He desperately likes Dan and maybe he’s being a bit of a div, but he thinks maybe Dan likes him too.

He takes in a shuddery breath. He likes Dan and Dan might like him back.

He can’t help the grin that spreads wide on his face, feeling like it might break him in half. He closes his eyes and snuggles down deep into his pillow where it feels warm

He really fucking likes Dan, it the last thought he has before he quickly slips asleep.

*

Phil is woken to a surprisingly loud crack of thunder. It jolts him awake suddenly as his heart lurches in his chest, before it calms and he can breathe again.

He can hear the slamming of wind and rain against his window, before he waits a few moments and there’s another roar in the sky.

He swallows thickly; the storm seems quite close, and knowing how close they are to the coast, he knows it shouldn’t scare him like it does, but it feels a long way away from the storms that seem so distant back in London.

He closes his eyes again, trying to let the rain at least lull him to sleep, but it cracks again, and this time, when he looks over to where the window is, he sees it light up in a brilliant flash of quick white, before everything falls dark again.

He blinks, staring at the window again as rain continues to drum with no real rhythm, another crack and tear in the sky as thunder erupts.

He rests his head against the pillow and closes his eyes again, but snaps them open when he hears a creak on the stairs just outside of his room.

The parental side of him takes over, knowing too many nights where a scared tiny Ethan would crawl into bed with him during a storm, and so, he flips the covers off of his legs and clambers out.

He half expects him to be stood at the top stair; maybe even Noah, but when Phil peers out of his room, he spots nobody.

Curious that maybe it was his mum or dad, he follows the noise down the stairs.

His heart leaps into his mouth when he catches the figure that stands in the living room. He almost screams, before he clutches a hand over his chest, taking heavy breaths when he realises it’s just Dan.

“Jesus!” Phil whispers shouts, making Dan spin around rather startled, facing him with wide eyes.

“What the hell are you doing?” Phil asks, wrapping his arms around his waist, almost like he feels naked in a way.

Dan looks unsure for a moment, before he lets out a laugh of nervous laughter that blows past his lips. 

“I was just -” he stops and in the dim light Phil can make out the way his hands wring together in a nervous way. He looks down for a moment before looking back up at Phil.   
  
“The storm,” he says in a quiet voice. Phil blinks at him; he’s tired on top of confused, and stays stood in his pyjamas waiting for the man in front of him to start talking again, but Dan doesn’t, and instead goes to the couch where both boys are seemingly sleeping.   
  
With quiet steps, Phil follows him over, peering over the back of the couch to where the kids sleep soundly, head to toe on each sides. Phil looks over at where Ethan has his head in his pillow and his mouth just open a fraction as he sleeps.   
  
“It’s a bad habit,” Dan’s quiet voice pulls him away from the moment with Ethan, to look round at where Dan is now sat on the sofa, situating himself between the boys where Noah now sleeps on his dad’s lap instead of against the arm of the chair.   
  
Phil says nothing, and instead reaches out and holds the back of the chair with both hands and leans forward.   
  
He watches Dan pet through Noah’s mess of curls with loving hands. He looks back upto Phil. He looks…. sad, almost.   
  
“When he was a baby, we realised he was deaf pretty early on,” Dan whispers, looking back down at the sleeping child.    
  
Phil swallows thickly.   
  
“It was one of the worst storms. He was only a few days old, and we were at my parents house,” he speaks with a low voice. If Phil weren’t so close he might not have heard it.   
  
“My brother ran through the house, left the bloody front door open, and before I could yell at him about it, the wind slammed it shut.”   
  
Dan looks back up at Phil, those big brown eyes glistening.   
  
“He didn’t even stir. Not even once.”   
  
Phil frowns, unsure of what to really say; he feels like even if he did try, his voice wouldn’t even work.   
  
“So, they told us he was completely deaf and it’s been that way ever since. I hate storms, Phil. Really bloody hate them,” he gives a weak laugh and Phil tries to mirror it, but both come out sounding a little sad sounding.   
  
“One night, it rained so bad, and I couldn’t sleep. I realised he had this amazing ability to just… sleep through these storms,” Dan says quietly, going back to running his fingers through Noah’s hair ever so gently.   
  
He looks up again. “So when it’d storm, I used to go hold him. I dunno why,” he shrugs. “It was comforting.”   
  
Phil feels his mouth go dry. He simply offers Dan a small smile, and Dan does the same back.   
  
“I felt alone, you know? I don’t know, I just had nobody, Phil,” his voice cracks a little and he sniffs, ducking his head back down. “I was… scared.”   
  
Phil swallows. “It’s a scary thing.”   
  
Dan snaps his head up. “Yeah.”   
  
“I had nobody, not for a really long time,” Dan whispers to him. “Not until,” he pauses and squeezes his eyes shut and blinks a few times.   
  
“I was with this guy.” Dan says through the silence and Phil tries to ignore the hitch in his breath that comes with it; Dan neither seems to care or notice.   
  
“He was good, like, I liked him. He liked me, he liked Noah,” he says with a shake of his head, voice wobbling slightly.   
  
“Anyways, he just…” he stops again to suck in a shaky breath, eyes diverted from Phil still, “that’s over now. For good.”    
  
Phil’s eyes flicker over Dan, then down to Noah, then over to Ethan. How did his life change so quickly, he thinks.   
  
“After that ended, I thought things would be so much more easier,” he laughs dryly, and shakes his head again. “How fucking wrong I was.”   
  
Phil frowns at him, even though he can’t see it. He reaches a hand out and touches lightly against his shoulder, making him look up at him. His eyes pool with unfallen tears and his lip wobbles just slightly. It makes Phil’s heart ache in the weirdest ways.   
  
“Things do get easier,” Phil whispers to him, hand staying still on his shoulder, curling his fingers round to give it a squeeze.   
  
Dan laughs bitterly again, almost sarcastically and this time when he blinks a few tears stream quickly down his cheeks, unbothered to wipe them away.   
  
“They didn’t,” Dan whispers to him, his mouth now pulled into a sad smile. “You’re not easy.”   
  
Phil feels his heart twist. His body freezes for a moment before he relaxes, letting air rush back into his lungs. He’s about to open his mouth, say something if his brain has any idea of what would be a good idea to say, but Dan beats him to it.   
  
“You’re… you’re so amazing, Phil,” Dan croaks. “Like, so bloody amazing. And like, you’re better,” he whispers to him. “So much more better than what I had before.”   
  
Phil’s lips curl into a little smile and he’s glad he’s not taken his hand away from his shoulder just yet, loving the way his palm feels against the sleeve of his shirt like he can feel the skin underneath it.   
  
But more tears streak their way down Dan’s face once again, and his face pulled into a frown.   
  
“And that’s what scares me,” he says in a low voice, sounding scratchy and tired. “If I thought what I had before was so great, and that went tits up, what am I to do about this?”   
  
This. What even is this?

Phil opens his mouth and shuts it again like a fish, and that’s when Dan springs up, careful not to wake Noah as he puts him back down on the sofa carefully and wipes away the pool of tears off his chin.

“Fuck,” he whispers sharply as he sniffs. “Fuck, sorry, that wasn’t fair of me to do, I’m sorry.”   
  
Phil wants to say something. Anything. But instead he watches Dan stand and walk around the room until he reaches the stair where the light still pools from the top.   
  
“I’m sorry, Phil.” Dan whispers and Phil only weakly reaches a hand out towards him.   
  
He glances back at the sleeping children, then back at Dan, who climbs the stairs sadly, until he hears the creak and the soft shut of the door.   
  
Phil’s heart pounds in his chest, making him feel sick almost.   
  
Dan likes him. Dan was in love before. Dan might be too afraid to take that chance ever again.   
  
It’s a lot to process and right now his head is whirling and spinning as fast as the storm outside.   
  
He needs to sleep, he thinks, knowing that this night will only be the beginnings of a migraine in the morning.   
  
He gives Ethan and Noah one last look before he follows the stairs, each step feeling like another pounding to his head. He reaches the top of the stairs and finds himself staring at Dan’s door again. He takes a deep breath and reaches his hand out for his door handle, when suddenly he has Kath’s voice in his head.   
  
_ “Friends don’t take friends on family holidays.” _

And that’s all it takes for him to take the few short steps towards Dan’s room and push the door open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	20. Chapter 20

When Phil pushes the door open, he has little regard for the fact that he’s simply bursting into Dan’s room like this, or the way the door hits the wall a tad too loud for such a late hour with everybody else in the house obviously asleep.   
  
But that’s not what’s going through his head when he crosses the floor where Dan has stood from where he’d seemingly been sat on the end of the bed. It takes all of three steps to get to him, three quick breaths and three whole seconds to rethink if this is a good idea.   
  
Three seconds and he’s across the room and Dan is filling in those gaps and soon enough they’ve clashed.   
  
He registers the feeling of lips on his when they kiss deep. They kiss with a warm wetness and tongue, and eventually, a moan. Phil kisses him back twice as hard.   
  
Large, warm hands bracket the side of his face and Phil’s never felt more secure in his life; to have himself in Dan’s literal hands like this feels like something unimaginable as Dan slips his tongue past Phil’s lips where it runs along the side of his mouth where it’s so hot and wet.   
  
Dan lets out a whimper as they pull away, and it’s only when Phil opens his eyes that he realises he ever closed them. They pull away with a pant, a breath, a shared look.   
  
Those eyes; brown and wide and heavy lidded and the first things Phil thinks he fell in love with that one Friday night. He swallows the lump in his throat and licks his lips where he can taste Dan’s lips on his still.   
  
A few breaths of air, words unspoken as he stares into those eyes.   
  
And he kisses him once more.   
  
This time, he pushes up against him, and Dan grabs at his waist; fingers digging into the elastic of his pajama pants, and Phil moans, Dan swallowing it down with an open mouthed kiss.   
  
It doesn’t feel real - it doesn’t feel like maybe a few days ago they were only just singing Britney Spears in his car and now he’s pushing Dan towards the bed where he goes willingly with stumbling legs.   
  
This is what he’s wanted; he’s wanted Dan and now he’s here. It just feels silly that he’s actually been there the whole time.   
  
But when the back of Dan’s knees hit the side of the bed, he wobbles before he sits and Phil is forced to pull away.   
  
Not until Dan is scrambling backwards with heavy breaths that rattle through his chest and a lick of his lips that drives Phil crazy.   
  
“Close the door,” Dan whispers to him as he pulls himself up towards the headboard.   
  
Phil trips backwards to go get the door, his stomach flutters as it shuts with a faint click, and when he turns back around, that’s when his stomach drops.   
  
Dan is sat on the bed, pulling his shirt over his head with quite a struggle, and when it eventually is ripped from his body, his hair is left sticking up in little tufts, and here beside the lamp light, Phil can clearly see the old tear tracks that fade against smooth skin of his cheeks.   
  
Phil feels his tummy swoop inside of him as he stands there, watching as Dan looks at him.   
  
“Phil?” he whispers, he sound so unsure.   
  
Phil feels so unsure. Why is he unsure? Isn’t this what he wanted? Is he really about to turn this down, right now?   
  
He takes a look at Dan sat shirtless, where shadows curve across his skin. Phil takes a deep breath and makes the short journey towards the bed.   
  
He crawls into Dan’s lap and attaches his lips to his like they never even left. Dan gives a little moan and Phil swallows it down deliciously, and this time, it’s his turn to roam his mouth with his tongue. He can’t help but grind his hips down towards Dan’s from where he’s sat - he can feel his hardness there and it feels… it feels  _ so _ fucking good.   
  
Dan must feel it too, because he parts his legs just a little and Phil sits himself between.   
  
His heart is pounding and he can feel each pulse run through his body as it burns, but Dan kisses him, harder this time that their teeth clash and Phil winces in pain.   
  
Dan wriggles himself against Phil, grinding and humping up against him. Phil stays still and instead kisses him, pulling a little on his bottom lip.   
  
Dan fumbles for Phil’s hand, grabbing it hard and squeezing it, before he guides it down his stomach towards the waistband of his pyjamas.   
  
Phil’s breath hitches in his chest and he pulls away from Dan’s lips, licking away the tiny trail of spit he leaves behind, and looks down at the man beneath him when he says:   
  
“Help me trust again.”

Phil leaps backwards, likes he’s been burned and it’s not until he feels the soft quilt of his parents spare bedding that it hits him how… all  _ wrong _ this all is.

Dan sits up fast and looks at Phil with quick blinking eyes like he’s trying to keep tears at bay.

“Phil,” Dan whispers, voice cracking just slightly.

Phil looks at him. His heart does a funny kind of a twist and he thinks maybe he’ll be sick if he doesn’t stand up now.

He can be sat just a foot away from him any longer, and rolls off the bed, standing of shaky legs.

“I’m sorry,” Dan cries, maybe his voice a volume too loud but fuck it, Phil thinks, caution already long thrown to the wind at this point.

“Dan. We can’t,” he finds himself saying, it’s not what he has in his head, but everything inside him isn’t working anymore.

It feels like he’s full of rope that’s somehow gotten tangled along the way, and the further he pulls, the more it chokes him.

Dan only looks at him with tear brimmed eyes and a chin that wobbles with the promise of a cry.

“I’m sorry,” Phil whispers to him. He feels so fucking sorry. He wanted this, but he’s skipping about ten steps ahead.

“It’s…” Phil starts, but isn’t sure how to finish it. He watches Dan duck his head down, before his fingers grab at his discarded shirt and he pulls it over his lap.

“Sorry. Let me,” Phil trips over his words as he spins on his feet.

He hears Dan give a small wet laugh, and when he’s turned back around again, Dan’s crumpled shirt is back on, and he’s hugging himself with his knees drawn up under his chin.

He looks so strangely small, which is weird considering Dan is just a little bit taller than he is; here he manages to curl up on himself, like the tighter he becomes, the less visible he is. But Phil sees him. He’s all Phil has been seeing these last few weeks.

Phil lets out a shaky breath, unsure what to do now as he runs a hand through his hair.

Does he leave? Does he say goodnight? Does he stay and talk? Does he wait?

Anxiety bubbles up in his chest, rising in his throat like bile until he swallows it down and sits down on the bed. Dan looks up at him and Phil notices fresh tears.

“We can’t do this,” Phil whispers softly and Dan nods with a sniff.

“I know. I’m sorry,” he whispers sadly.

Phil looks at him, his heart burns in his chest. “I like you, Dan,” he tells him, keeping a close eye on Dan’s face, and how his expression goes a little rigid for a moment before it relaxes.

“I think you’re great,” Phil tells him and Dan listens.

“But I can’t,” he pauses to take a breath, looking down at the pink and blue quilt his mother had made for Cornelia, left behind on the bed for cold nights such as these.

“I don’t want to start this like,” he looks up at Dan with a look of desperation, “like this. That isn’t fair.”

Dan sniffs again, wiping the underneath of his nose with the back of his wrist and nods.

“I just,” Dan speaks, voice sounding far away and tired. “I just haven’t had that in so long.”

Phil’s heart drops. So maybe this… was about sex for Dan? He swallows thickly and blinks back any oncoming tears and lets him continue.

“I mean, any of this,” Dan adds on quickly, gesturing to the room with his hands. “I’ve never really had that.”

Phil isn’t sure he’s following, but he pays attention anyway.

“When my fiancé left me, I didn’t think I’d ever find anyone ever again,” Dan says quietly, looking away again to the quilt.

“It fucking broke me Phil, and I mean, broke me. It destroyed me because,” he stops to look at Phil with puffy red eyes, “because it near enough broke Noah too.”

Phil’s heart lurches, feeling genuine sickness now. As if on instinct, he reaches a hand out, tapping against Dan’s ankle and squeezing.

“I’m so sorry, Dan, I couldn’t imagine.”

He couldn’t: he’s never been in a real relationship that he’s ever had his own son involved in. In fact, the idea now seems a little daunting, he’s not sure how he’d even react if that happened to him or Ethan.

If he and Natalie were to break away for any reason, how would Ethan cope? How would Phil help him? Especially since when it comes to his son, the pair of them are a tag team of support for him. To have one leave seems alien to him.

“He left and that was it. I couldn’t even explain it to Noah, and I think he hated me for that. He’s so young, Phil,” Dan’s voice buckles a little and Phil rubs his foot with the smooth of his thumb.

“He’s still… still a baby, and I don’t think he truly understands it.”

Phil frowns again, the idea of a poor sweet Noah being so unsure of those things breaks him.

“He just.. he just thought he was coming back, and he isn’t.”

There’s a moment of silence between them and Phil remembers the rain outside on the window as it dies down.

“I never dated again. Never tried to meet anyone, I decided to focus on us. Just me and Noah.”

He looks up at Phil with such a sincere look.

“And then I met you and everything kind of… changed.”

Phil says nothing, his tongue feeling like lead in his mouth; heavy and unmoving as words fail to spring to his mouth from where they swirl around pointlessly in his head.

“For the better, right?” Phil finds himself saying eventually. The air is thick around him and right now he feels so small, like his voice can’t even be heard anymore.

Dan blinks, fat tears escape him with a squeeze as the roll effortlessly down his face. He shrugs.

“I don’t know,” he says, voice barely above a whisper.

With that, Phil leaps up off the bed, his foot gets stuck for a second before he’s fumbling backwards toward the door.

Dan only looks at him in horror.

“I’m sorry, Dan,” Phil’s voice shakes an embarrassing amount but his hand finds the door handle and he’s clicking it open as quickly as he can, no longer caring for noise volumes.

Nothing matters.

“Phil,” Dan says, voice buckling with a few more stray tears.

“I’m sorry,” Phil says one last time, and before he can wait around to hear what Dan has to say next, he’s falling out the room and shutting the door.

He feels sick. He feels like his stomach is doing backflips and his chest is contracting with every sharp breath.

He rests his head on the door, letting his eyes close shut as he regains his breath; he feels like a fool.

He feels like the biggest, most obvious fool.

He feels like things have been sent back about ten hundred steps. Right now, Dan is much of a stranger to him as he was that one Friday night at the pool.

He rests his hand on the handle, but keeps it still. He needs space right now; he needs to distance himself for this one night. In fact, tomorrow is their last day at his parents house, and in the afternoon he’ll be travelling home with him.

He sucks in a shaky breath to ease himself. Pulling himself away from the door, he makes his decision.

He turns to his own room with heavy steps, exhaustion properly setting in now. He reaches his room and curls under the covers where it feels warm and safe.

He wants to talk to someone. But in a house full of people, he feels so alone.

He thinks about Natalie, and Jimmy and the lives they live and how happy that makes them. It doesn’t hit Phil until now about how terribly miserable he’s been.

He feels tears slip down his face, and he sniffs, feeling sorry for himself.

If his mum saw him like this, she’d perhaps tell him to pick himself up and go grab what he wanted with all the power he had. But right now his mum isn’t here to lecture him about loving Dan, and he just wants to bask in his own sadness, snot and tears.

He hears a small vibration come from his phone, and for a moment he’s tempted to turn over and grab it.

But this time of night, Phil can only guess who it is that’s texting him, and although that gives him even more of an urge to take a look.

But he doesn’t. He swallows the moisture in his mouth that feels thick like sand, and squeezes his eyes harshly; he just wants to fall into a state of unconscious and let future Phil deal with  this.

So he does, he curls up in the middle of the bed that feels way too small now, and tries to let himself drift off to sleep.

Just before he’s falling, he hears the second vibration of his phone and his heart wavers for a moment at the idea of a slightly desperate, sad, Dan trying to reach him, just across the darkness of the hallway, but he doesn’t move, and ignores it and decides that for now, in this moment, he’s going to let himself sleep.

Sleep until he has to face this reality.

*

When Phil wakes the next morning, his eyes feel sore and his mouth is dry.

In fact, his whole body aches, mostly from the curled up position he’d passed out in so late last night.

He scrubs his eyes with a knuckle and lets out a yawn with a stretch of his legs.

It doesn’t feel as satisfying as it should do, but that could be something to do with the bone deep regret of last night; regret that it had only gone so wrong so quickly with Dan, when it could have gone so right for once.

His phone is sat untouched on his bedside table, glaring at him from the other side of the bed as he stares, knowing that something must be there, sat fresh in his messages.

He sits up, and gingerly reaches for it.

The first two are from Dan.

A third, just from moments before he woke up are from Natalie.

He presses his thumb against her name and it comes up with the text she’d sent him.

 **natalie:** _missing my boy :( how are things?_

Other than the fact to just distract him from the little blue number two in the corner of his screen that remind him of the two unread texts he has from Dan, he types out a text to Natalie, knowing that she probably is missing Ethan just a little bit.

**phil:** _ things are going great! _

It’s a lie but she doesn’t need to really know it all.

**phil:** _ i’ll get ethan to call when he wakes :) _

She sends through a few kissy face emojis in thanks and once the conversation has died down, he has nothing else to do other than read what Dan has sent him.

He holds his breath, briefly before he lets it out in one rush.

Clicking onto Dan’s name he looks at his screen with a burning intensity that’s suddenly overcome him.

The first one is shorter than the second.

 **dan:** _phil im really sorry. i dont want to fuck up. seriously._

Phil reads it over again, slowly to absorb each word on his little dim screen. His eyes flicker down to the second text.

 **dan:** _i shouldnt have done any of this. should never have barged into ur family weekend. should never have… done those things to u when we were both feeling…. stuff. idk. i need to leave here. i cant stay. im really fucking sorry phil. you deserve somebody so good bc ur such a fucking good person and i only ruin people. im so sorry. tell kath its a family emergency and i had to leave. im sorry._

Fear crawls it’s way out of his throat when he stares down at the block of blue bubbled text, before he’s stumbling out of bed, tripping over his feet and heading towards Dan’s room.

Pushing the door open he’s praying to find a sleeping Dan beneath the covers - but it’s empty. The bed is well made and the little rucksack he brought with him is gone.

He stares at the bed, where the pink quilt is nicely folded on top of the covers and stares hard.

He feels bile burn in his throat as he turns and heads for the stairs. He gets to the living room where Ethan sleeps soundly, unaware to his dad stood over him with his heart racing.

But Noah isn’t here. His side of the sofa is empty, pillow left looking fluffed and childless.

He left.

At first, he feels saddened, that everything really had gone so badly. This might’ve been his biggest chance to make changes in his life, and the one change he desperately liked, had walked out in the night and disappeared.

Then, he feels fear. What’s he supposed to tell his parents? Ethan? He can’t exactly tell them they had a fight - was it even a fight? He couldn’t explain the whole story without including what happened last night, and he’s not exactly sure he wants to look his parents in the eye and go into detail about that.

He sighs heavy, feeling the world on his shoulders.

He looks out the window where early morning light peeks over the horizon. His car is still sat in the drive; it feels like lifetimes have passed since they were last sat in the car laughing and joking together.

He’s not sure how Dan’s even gotten home, if he’s even gotten home at all. For all he knows, poor Dan could be wandering around the island lost.

He thinks about calling him, maybe just a pure instinctual urge to hear his voice and make sure he’s okay. But he remembers there’s a chance Dan might now want to talk to him right now.

Anxiety swirls dangerously in his gut.

He stares down at his phone, as if somehow it’ll solve all his problems, like Dan might hear his thoughts and call him himself.

But there’s no mind connection across the Isle of Man, and Dan’s not here and he can feel tears of hurt and frustration prickle behind his eyes before he’s rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his hand.

He can’t cry. He won’t cry. Not over Dan. Not even if his body and brain really, really want to.

Instead he opens up his texts again, his breath catching in his throat when he sees his last texts again.

Standing in the dim light of his living room, he types silently against his phone.

He hits send before he can spiral into any kind of deep thoughts, feeling an empty kind of feeling deep in his chest that he can’t quite heal just yet.The text goes through, unread just yet, but

Phil doesn’t dwell on it too much, reading it over a second time.

 **phil:** _get home safe dan x_

*

“So he just left last night?”

Kath looks across the kitchen table, her forehead is creased in worry as Nigel hands her a cup of tea, wrapping her hand snuggly around it.

Phil hums, biting into his toast and nods. The butter feels slick and sickly on his tongue but he swallows it down nonetheless.

“Well, I hope it wasn’t too bad of an emergency,” Nigel says with a sigh as he sits down beside his wife.

Phil hums again.

“Why didn’t he ask for a lift to the airport?” Kath asks, and Phil feels his tummy do funny little turns until he settles it with a sip of his orange juice.

“I offered,” he lies with a shrug. He doesn’t even know if Dan ever went to the airport or if he got a taxi back to the docks. “But I think he just wanted some space, you know?”

It feels foreign, lying so easily to his parents, but he does it with such ease, maybe more so for himself, that it comes out without a stutter or a stumble, and they both believe him.

Kath however, still has a frown etched into her face.

“Well, when you get home later, give him a ring and make sure he’s alright, won’t you?”

Phil looks at her, feeling his heart suddenly leap into his throat at the tone of concern he hears in her voice. She genuinely looks concerned, and Phil wonders if maybe she’s genuinely upset about both Dan and Noah having to leave so suddenly.   
  
Not that Phil can do anything about it now.   
  
Instead he swallows the lump in his throat and forces his face into a thinly stretched smile that feels all too false.   
  
“Sure,” he croaks, quickly taking another bite of toast to simply escape the conversation from escalating any further.    
  
And it works - for now at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	21. Chapter 21

Leaving his parents house feels bittersweet. He enjoys the safety this house provides him; the warmth and comfort of having his parents around him is nice, but at the same time, he’s itching to get home and crawl under his own bed and have a bit of a cry.   
  
He spends the rest of the day lounging on the sofa, listening to little stories his mum tells him about, to which he only half listens, because the empty spot on the sofa is far too distracting.   
  
Ethan grows restless, bored, in fact, and Phil even scolds him at one point as he interrupts Kath with a whine and a complaint that he has nothing to do.   
  
The words, “go play with Noah,” almost roll off his tongue far too easily, until he catches himself and tells his son in a soft voice to go upstairs and check that they have all their bags packed.   
  
He’s checking his phone, pretending to be busying himself with ferry tickets, when in reality he’s opening and closing his messages in hope for a new one to pop up, but there’s nothing. Dan’s message left on delivered and his heart feeling hollow.   
  
He jumps when he hears his dad come up behind him, quickly shoving his phone in his pocket as a defense.   
  
“You know, your mother really loves having you guys around,” he says, sinking into the sofa beside Phil, crossing one leg over the other.   
  
Phil hums, placing his hand over the rectangular lump in his pocket.   
  
“She worries about you, Phil.”   
  
Phil’s attention is pulled back to his dad, who looks at him with a crase in his brow, and his lips pulled thin.   
  
“Worried?” Phil splutters. The last thing he needs now is his parents worrying over him.   
  
Nigel hums. “Yes. Worried. I told her you’re a grown man with your own life, but a mother will always stay a mother, no matter how old her babies grow to be, hm?” he smiles, and Phil finds himself smiling back.   
  
Kath really is a mother at the best of times.   
  
“Which is why she can so clearly see you the way you are, Phil.”   
  
Phil ducks his head down, feeling awkward now.   
  
“I… I don’t know what’s going on with you,” Nigel starts slowly, maybe feeling as unsure as Phil feels. ‘But I do know, you’re a smart lad. A really smart lad. And I think… I think that Dan guy is too.”   
  
Phil flickers his gaze up to meet his dad’s; a sincere look plastered onto his face.   
  
“I think you’re both smart. And I think…” he pauses, taking a breath. “I think you’ll always do what’s best for you. And for Ethan, yeah?”   
  
Phil looks at him, taking in the expression he has right now, unsure for a moment, before he blinks, the nods.   
  
“Yeah,” he croaks. “Yeah, I’ll always do that, for Ethan at least.”   
  
Nigel nods, before reaching over and giving Phil a quick, weird pat on the knee. “Good,” he simply says.   
  
“Because I think the smart thing would to be maybe do what you have to do to be happy, hm?”   
  
Phil feels heat rise to his cheeks, and before he can even stutter anything out Nigel speaks again.   
  
“Because I think that maybe Dan is that something; the something that makes you both happy.”   
  
Phil feels his cheeks burn and his eyes prick, he can’t believe he’s about to maybe cry in front of his father about his feelings for Dan, when suddenly, Ethan comes skipping in and Phil is quick to run the un fallen moisture from his eyes with a sniff and hops up with a stretched smile.   
  
“You ready kiddo?”   
  
Ethan nods, dragging in the backpack that he can’t quite lift over his shoulder, Phil takes it from him.   
  
“Coolio,” Phil says, trying to ignore the obvious waver in his voice. His dad doesn’t seem to.   
  
“You understand what I’m saying, Phil?” he says once Ethan has left, going over to where Kath calls him over in the kitchen.   
  
Phil stands there dumbly, looking down at his dad. He nods.   
  
“Yeah,” he says in an almost whisper, voice cracking slightly. “Yeah, I do.”   
  
*

It feels good to wake up in his own bed the next morning, and when he can hear the awakenings of his son just the next room over, he smiles to himself. Somehow this little apartment seems untouchable; all the sad, weird things that have happened have been outside of this little home, and he won’t let anything or anyone change that.

He gets Ethan ready for school - it’d been a bit of a challenge explaining where Noah and his dad has gone, but to a child his age, it simply goes over his head and asks if he’ll be staying at his mums or here tonight.

Phil’s thankful for his blissful obliviousness that he somehow envy’s maybe just a little.

”You’re staying at mums tonight,” Phil tells him as he hands him his book bag, “and don’t go complaining, okay? Mum really missed you this weekend.”

Ethan looks up at him, looking small. “Wasn’t gonna.”

Phil only pushes him out the door with a heavy sigh, feeling yesterday’s drive heavy on him now as he stifles a yawn.

Once Ethan is dropped off, safely skipping into school with friends he’d missed over the weekend, Phil pulls away and makes the drive to work.

He’d normally maybe go in and linger and talk to Nat, especially since he hasn’t spoken in a good few days, but he’ll text her during her break and she’ll understand the rush of the Monday morning.

When he gets to work he sits in his car for a little while, staring blankly at the brick wall that he’s parked in front of.

He feels like he’s hit some sort of brick wall. The kind of brick wall he was ready to break down carefully. Maybe a jenga tower is the best way to describe it; the tower he was trying to keep standing has already crashed into a million useless pieces.

He eventually has to haul himself out of his car and make the walk towards the building, up the stairs, through the corridor and past double doors where his desk sits.

With a lovely new pile of paperwork that makes his stomach flip at just the sight of it from across the room.

But before he can even get to his desk and flop down in his uncomfortable chair, there’s already a familiar voice in his ear, pairing with a toothy grin.

“Phil!”

Phil smiles at Jimmy, feeling like maybe if they weren’t at work, he’d hug him. That’s how much he’s missed a familiar face.

A familiar face that still loves him and knows him as well as he did three days ago.

“Miss me much?” Phil teases, throwing his backpack under his desk as he takes a seat. Jimmy perches on the edge of his desk like he always does.

He gives a nonchalant shrug. “Not really. Forgot you even existed.”

Phil snorts a laugh, picking up on the tone of his voice and noticing the way the his face twitches from the poker face he fails to keep up.

“Alright,” Phil smirks. “We won’t pretend you haven’t been crying at your desk all day and night,” Phil coos.

Jimmy barks a laugh. “So very true. Used a lot of tissues,” he pouts, then he grins, “more than one way, too.”

Phil grimaces. Trust Jimmy to always make everything a big gross sex joke.

He wouldn’t have it any other way.

“So, on that note, how was mum?” He leans forward and claps his hands.

Phil turns to his computer, giving him a disgusted look.

“I’ll strangle you with the keyboard wires, you know?” Phil threatens him, but Jimmy goes unbothered.

“Good then, yeah? Flight alright?”

Phil hums, “Yeah it was alright. Didn’t fly though,” he tells him as he logs in. “Went by ferry this time.”

Jimmy's face lights up. “Oh! How romantic. Did you have your Jack and Rose moment with anyone? And by Jack and Rose moment I mean any moment from the movie,” he begins to ramble, ignoring Phil’s grunt of displeasure.

“No,” Phil says, but turns back around. He’s yet to tell Jimmy about the entire Dan thing.

He guesses he could only really owe it to his only good friend to open up to him about it. It might actually make him feel better.

But before he can say anything, Jimmy is butting in again.

“How many romantic movies do you know start in a bar?” He asks with a curious voice.

Phil leans back in his chair, giving him a puzzled look.

“Huh?”

Jimmy swings his long legs and shrugs. “Okay, well, you might find your Jack Dawson at the bar? Tonight? Me and you? Yeah?”

Phil feels his tummy go all funny again; he’s promised over and over again to hang out with his friend and there’s only so many excuses and lies Jimmy can take before it becomes borderline offensive.

“A bar?” Phil whines, already imagining how gross and sweaty those situations feel to him. “Do we have to?”

Jimmy hops up, “Course not! Maybe just drinks? My place, yeah? Please Phil, you’re making my... friendship balls turn… blue.”

Even Jimmy gives a questionable look at his own choice of words, but Phil ignores it and agrees with a nod.

“Okay, fine,” he sighs, and Jimmy gives a little whoop of excitement.

“But nothing too heavy. It’s a school night, remember?” Phil warns him as Jimmy makes his way back to his own desk.

He turns to face him, flashing him a wide grin.

“Alright, dad.”

Phil groans.

*

Jimmy's house is a lot nicer than Phil’s, in retrospect. In fact - it’s technically not even a house, rather just a ground floor flat that’s made up of other little flats around it.

But he owns it, like a real adult, that pays a mortgage and did up the kitchen and painted his own walls and even fixed his own collapsing ceiling.

When Phil had first met Jimmy, the place was pretty old looking, from the dated wallpaper and the soggy looking carpet, and the completely undesirable kitchen.

But now, it’s fresh and clean and when Phil steps into the living room, it drips with every being of Jimmy's personality.

“So,” Jimmy calls from the kitchen where Phil hears him clattering about with wine glasses.

“Thinking we may as well go fancy as fuck since Toms out tonight, it’s just me and you, date night, let’s go red shall we?”

Phil hums in agreement as he makes himself comfortable on the couch, where a fluffy pink cushion tickles at his arm. Definitely a Jimmy touch.

“Here you go babes,” Jimmy says, appearing in front of Phil with a very full glass of wine.

“Cheers,” Phil says, taking it from his hand to clink agaidnt his own glass before taking a rather big sip.

It burns slightly, but the fruity taste tingles on his tongue, making him thirsty for more so quick.

“So,” Jimmy says with a huff as he flops down next to Phil, “wha’s been going on with you then, eh?”

He scootches forwards a bit, tucking one of his legs underneath him. Phil copies.

“Not much,” Phil lies, taking another sip. “You?”

Jimmy blows a raspberry at him rather childishly, before swatting Phil with his free hand.

“Oh who gives a fuck what I’ve been doing? Here’s the rundown: me and Tom are very bloody happy, we have sex, get drunk and argue about takeout, although, not always in that exact order - now, what about you?”

Phil swallows thickly. He did make the internal promise to himself to maybe talk to Jimmy about everything; he’s sure if he doesn’t mention it to someone, he might actually explode.

“I invited Dan to my parents house,” he blurts our.

Jimmy, mid sip of his wine, splutters, and red liquid comes spraying out of his mouth with a cough.

“Oh my god!” Phil jumps back as red wine hits his shirt.

That’s definitely not coming out.

“Shit,” Jimmy mutters, running the back of his hand over his chin where his drink dribbles down.

“Sorry,” he says as he leans forward and uselessly wipes at Phil’s now stained shirt, “but did you say you asked  _ Dan _ to visit your  _ parents _ ?”

Phil simply hums into his glass where he takes another large gulp.

“Dan? The sexy swim guy?”

Phil pauses, putting his glass down and away from his lips. “Yeah,” he shrugs. “I guess.”

“You  _ guess _ ?!” Jimmy shrieks, making Phil jump slightly. “Phil! You asked him to visit your  _ parents _ ,” he says, leaning forward and adding emphasis to the word parents.

“Yeah,” Phil says quietly, shrinking away a little. “But it’s not… it’s not like it sounds,” he adds on quickly.

Jimmy does not look convinced.

“Sure mate. Not as if that’s like the, tenth step you take on a bloomin’ relationship,” he says, voice getting louder and louder with each word.

Phil feels a twist of both anger and sadness in his stomach; he didn’t really want Jimmy making such a dramatic deal of the whole thing.

“And I’m guessing he - he said no, right? Because if you were going to the Isle of Man with Dan you would’ve told me, yeah?”

Phil looks down at his glass and swishes the rest of his wine around.

“Oh fuck  _ off!”  _ Jimmy yells, both with laugh and a tone of disbelief.

“He went?” He leans forward when Phil doesn’t answer, “and you didn’t bloody tell me?”

This time Phil does look up, giving his friend a sheepish look.

“I just… I didn’t think it was that much of a big deal,” he says quietly, looking down again.

“And besides, you always…  _ dramatise  _ things.”

He looks up again to catch Jimmy's mouth hung open and a crease in his brow.

“Excuse you!” he shrieks. “I do not do that!”

Phil gives him a reprimanded look to which Jimmy only slumps back in his seat with a pout.

“It doesn’t matter now,” Phil says, filling in the silence with his own quiet voice. “I think I messed it all up.”

He hears Jimmy set his own glass down before he’s reaching over and plucking Phil’s glass out of his hands and placing it onto the coffee table.

“Mate, you gotta tell me this stuff,” Jimmy says in a more gentle voice. His large warm hands are placed comfortingly on Phil’s knees.

Phil looks up at him. “I’m sorry, Jim,” he says with a frown, his own voice sounding like he may actually cry.

“S’alright. Adult shit is like… scary, yeah?” he chuckles and Phil nods.

“It really is,” Phil sighs, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.

“Hey, look,” Jimmy says softly, making Phil look at him again, this time through a blurred perspective of unfallen tears that pool in his eyes.

“You really fucking like sexy swim guy, don’t you?” Jimmy says softly, as if it’s finally hitting him.

Phil takes a sharp inhale, likes it finally hitting him too.

“Yeah,” he says with a shaky voice. “Yeah, Jim, I really actually like him.”

Jimmy's face cracks into a wide, wonky grin. “That’s brill, mate.”

Phil looks down, and this time, two fat tears fall from his eyes, hitting against Jimmy’s hands where they’re still resting against his legs.

“I messed it up though. He left, I don’t think he wants to talk to me anymore,” he says sadly.

Jimmy shifts closer. “Things aren’t really well and truly fucked until you know it.”

Phil looks up with a frown. “I think I do know it,” he sniffs.

Jimmy looks at him. “Do you though?”

Phil blinks, more tears fall.

“Have you spoken to him?”

Phil takes in another shaky breath. “No,” he admits weakly.

Jimmy snorts a small laugh. “Then you ain’t fully fucked yet, you dummy.”

Somehow it’s the simplest advice, and yet it makes the most sense.

“How do I know he wants to talk though? Should I just wait?”

Jimmy sits back, reaching for the wine again, passing Phil’s his.

“Mate, sometimes you gotta take the plunge. Hold your nose and eat your veggies kind of shit. It works.”

Phil isn’t sure he’ll ever fully understand his friend, but his words somehow do settle on his heart and bleed there where it seems to spread throughout him.

“I mean, it’d be easier for me to help if you told me what happened,” Jimmy says quietly, obviously ready to hear the full story.

Phil nods, and takes a swig of his wine, practically finishing it off with one large gulp, and wipes the corners of his mouth with a sigh.

Jimmy gives him a wide eyed look, and laughs into his own glass.

“Alright, fucking hell, best we get another bottle out then, shall we?”

Phil nods, licking his lips. “Fuck yeah.”

*

By the time Phil gets home his head feels fuzzy and his body feels heavy and he practically falls into bed with his work clothes still attached to his body and he’s ready to just let sleep take over him.

He’d told Jimmy the entire story: from the whole ‘other daddy’ issue, the banterous flirting, the half kiss, the footsies at the fish restaurant and then the actual kiss. And everything that almost happened afterwards.

Once he’d finished his story, they were half way down another bottle of red and tucking into half a pizza each.

Now, with a belly full of food and wine and his chest feeling a little more freer from such a heavy secret held inside, he can melt into his bed.

But his phone slips from his pocket and with a groan, he knows he has to get up and plug it into his charge if he intends on having it wake him tomorrow for work.

He groans at the thought, but pulls himself up nonetheless and grabs at it.

Just as he’s saving it from completely dying, he stares down at his screen, with Jimmy’s voice in his head.

One text might not hurt.

He opens up his messages with Dan, looking back at his last ones and feeling a pang of hurt at their previous conversation that Phil had woken to that other morning.

Ignoring it, he jabs his thumbs against the screen and begins typing. It’s only short, but it’s something.

It’s like swallowing peas, he supposed.

**phil** :  _ hey _

He hits send, sucking in a surprised breath at his own impulsiveness.

But once it’s gone, it gone, and the delivered underneath his bubble signifies that clearly.

After a minute of nothingness, he flops back onto his bed. He fumbled with kicking his shoes off and pulling him out of of his clothes.

Once he’s free of them, he starfishes out on the bed, naked aside from his pants and he gives a deep sigh.

This bed feels too big; too empty.

He hates how his legs have too much room to stretch, hates how his pillow sits in the middle. Hates he has no side, nothing to roll over against.

Hates how the sheets have no smell or feel underneath him. Hates that his pillow feels so flat underneath his head.

He sucks in a breath with all the sadness that settles in his lungs as he does so, and does he best to push them out on the exhale.

But it stays there like dust, choking him slowly.

He slips his eyes shut, growing used to the feeling now as he listens to the sound of silence that drowns his apartment, when there’s a faint buzz.

He sits up, probably far too quickly to grab at his phone. Yanking it up he squints at his screen.

It’s Jimmy. His heart sinks incredible deep, but he smiles at the message anyways.

**jimmy** :  _ hope u got home okay see u at work tomorrow love u mate <3 _

Phil types out a quick reply

**phil:** _ love you too <3 thanks for tonight 10/10 friend _

He chucks his phone back on the bedside and flops back down.

He is thankful for Jimmy; he’s one of the few friends that’s managed to stick around after all this time. It had truly felt good to have a real talk to him tonight, over wine and pizza and finally away from the same grey walls that box them in inside of work.

He huffs, the dust of sadness still sits inside of him but maybe it’ll shift. In time, he supposes.

He’s letting his breathing even out and feeling like maybe he’s losing his grip on his consciousness when there’s another buzz beside his head.

He cracks his eyes open and makes a grab for it, guessing it’s probably Jimmy taxing him a final goodnight or maybe even Natalie with an update or a goodnight from his son, but he feels his heart leap into his throat when he’s proven wrong.

Proven wrong by the little text that pops up on his screen with a name that burns his eyes and makes his heart beat wildly.

**dan** :  _ hi _

Phil is barely wrapping his head around the idea that Dan had actually texted back a reply, when his phone buzzes in his hands again and he’s sitting up with surprise.

**dan** :  _ sorry for going mia. im okay, noah is okay, we got the plane home. im sorry _

Phil is overcome with emotion that floods him like a tidal wave. On one hand he’s relieved that Dan was alright, Noah too. On the other he feels a sense of hurt still.

**phil** : _ im glad you’re alright, i was worried about you. kath was too _

Phil’s hear hammers against his chest as he awaits a reply, growing steadily more anxious if he should even have brought up his mum and her thoughts on Dan leaving in the night, but it doesn’t matter because those little bubbles appear again and it brings a cold wash of relief over him.

**dan** :  _ i really am sorry. sorry to kath too, reckon i really plummeted in kath points huh? _

Phil reads over the text and gives a wet laugh, feeling the prick of tears burn behind his eyes. At first he doesn’t understand why he feels like crying.

But he quickly realises it’s because he misses Dan, and even though it’s been two days, he genuinely misses the connection he feels when he’s with Dan. Their togetherness is like no other.

He types back a reply.

**phil** :  _ of course not _

He hits send, then,

**phil** :  _ how are you doing though? _

It takes a while for Dan to reply; little bubbles that indicate his texting come and go on bursts, and Phil can only imagine Dan sat in his house at half eleven typing and deleting whatever it is he’s trying to say. Eventually though, one does make it through,

**dan** :  _ im ok _

Disappointment burns in Phil’s chest. He frowns looking over the text and sighs.

He’s not sure what to say next. He types the first thing that springs to his mind.

**phil** :  _ you going swimming on friday? _

A moment of silence once more.

**dan** :  _ yeah _

**phil** :  _ i’ll see you there then? _

Another longer pause this time.

**dan** :  _ of course _

Phil stares at the text. Stares at Dan’s name and just wishes that he were here instead on through his screen.

**phil** :  _ cool :) see you on friday then _

**dan** :  _ can we talk afterwards? _

**phil** :  _ definitely _

**dan** :  _ good. i’ll see you then _

Phil feels anxiety spike through him and run under his skin like it had done a thousand times in his lifetime. Staring at the text he wishes more than ever to hear Dan say it instead, to get a feeling and understanding of his tone.

He’s about to set his phone down and crawl under the covers when a final text comes through. Phil looks at it through blurred vision.

**dan** :  _ ive missed u <3 _

Mixed emotions pushed aside with all the confusion and uncertainty that swirls in his guilt, he knows his feelings for Dan come to the top, as he smiles through tears and flops back onto his bed.

Maybe he isn’t so fucked after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	22. Chapter 22

Having Ethan back home is oddly comforting. Maybe it’s just the way that his voice fills empty space, or than having him around gives Phil excuses, or more so, reason, to do stuff, like picking toys up after him, or cleaning two plates off at the sink instead of just one.

So when Phil’s heading towards the school on a Wednesday late afternoon, he can’t help but feel maybe a touch excited just to have somebody in the car sat beside him on his way home.

He gets to the school, and already there’s a crowd of parents and children filtering out as they come past him and make their own ways to their cars.

It’s weird, Phil thinks, that all the years Phil’s been up and down this school, alongside having Natalie actually work here, he’s never really made any effort to really talk to the other parents.

It doesn’t matter though, he thinks to himself as he parks up and steps outside. Doesn’t matter that maybe he doesn’t go as far as polite conversation with the mummy group at school, or that he’s not exactly in close contact with any of Ethan’s friends parents - he doesn’t want to be.

He’s happy right now and that’s all he really could ask for. Once this bubble of school stops existing to him he’ll never look back. As long as Ethan is happy, to which Phil can tell, he is - then Phil’s happy.

He’s striding towards Nat’s classroom, already knowing the route so well as to where his son will be mulling around the corner looking bored until he can get home and squeeze an hour of fortnite between dinner and bedtime.

Phil has even gone out and gotten that nice kind of healthy pizza they display in sainsburys that looked alright.

But as he walks through the door, he’s met with a completely different scene he’d had envisioned in his head.

Both heads turn to face him once they hear the squeak of the door, and Phil tentatively steps in, letting it shut behind him.

It’s evident that Ethan is crying, with Natalie’s arms wrapped around him, and as she gives a sympathetic look towards Phil, he rushes over to comfort him.

“Hey,” he says softly, and with that Ethan pushes his head into Phil’s chest and lets out a wet sob.

He doesn’t even care if he’s getting tears and snot on his new work shirt; seeing Ethan cry like this is a rarity, and as he hiccups little sobs, muffled against is chest, he can’t help but give him a tight squeeze, wanting to just physically love away whatever pain he’s in.

“What’s wrong?” Phil asks, speaking to Ethan but directed really to Natalie. He turns to face her where she still has that sad, sympathetic look on her face.

“Don’t wanna tell you,” Ethan mumbles, another sob shaking his voice.

Natalie rubs his back, and it reminds Phil of when he was a kid too.

“Okay,” Phil assures him. “Alright, you don’t have to tell me,” Phil says softly, rubbing a hand through his hair.

“But can mum tell me, hm?”

Ethan stills, before he pulls away to look up at Phil. He has big glossy eyes that brim with fresh tears, whilst old ones make tracks down his cheeks. His little bottom lip is jutted out and just the image of his clearly distraught child is enough to make his heart break.

“Yeah,” he mumbles, shoving his face into Phil’s chest again. Phil turns to Natalie again, shared look of concern between them as he sniffles against Phil’s shirt.

Phil only holds him tighter.

*

Natalie takes them to the teachers lounge, where it’s empty, and it’s only when the three of them are walking down the corridors that Phill realises that they must be the last three in the school, everyone now long gone on their ways home.

Natalie brings them to the little teachers lounge and when they go in it brings a strange wave of nostalgia over Phil.

It seems strange, but it smells the same when he was a kid, even though his school is miles away up North here.

From the moth eaten, sad looking blue fabric couch, to the little kitchenette that Natalie is mulling about in, it feels strangely weird to be sat in a room that he as a child deemed forbidden.

He even used to believe that the teachers did in fact live in this room. Looking around now, it does seem kind of daft.

He takes a seat, sinking down uncomfortably low, where Ethan instantly climbs beside him to once again hide himself in Phil’s chest, not letting go.

His sobs have ceased now, reduced down to sad little sniffles and hiccups. Phil looks across the room where she’s seemingly making two cups of tea and what looks like a cup of ribena.

Ethan balls his little fists in Phil’s chest, practically now curled up on top of him and Phil is hit with the sense of familiarity. It’d been too long that his son had maybe crawled up of his dads lap and just had a good cuddle.

Phil always guessed there was all the things in a child that they outgrew; cuddles and such, but Ethan doesn’t seem persistent to get off just yet, and Phil wonders how wrong he’s been - that maybe Phil can hang onto those little things forever in need be, no matter how big and tall his little one gets.

Natalie plonks down the two cups of tea down on the coffee table where she sits, facing them both, and Phil shoots her an expectant look.

“You want me to tell him?” Natalie asks softly. Ethan nods after a short pause, not once revealing himself from Phil’s shirt.

Phil rubs his back, tracing his fingers in little patterns.

“There were some boys today in the year above that upset him,” Natalie says in a gentle voice, she looks away from Phil to focus on Ethan, who seems to hiccup again.

Phil frowns, feeling the wrinkles curve in his forehead. He feels terrible. He holds his head closer to his chest, some sort of protectiveness instinct he guesses.

“What happened?” Phil asks, and Natalie looks back at him.

“They said some… well, it wasn’t very nice, was it sweetheart, hm?” Natalie says leaning forward where she can rest a hand on Ethan’s shoulder.

At the touch, he lifts himself up and looks at her, and it’s clear that more tears have now escaped him.

“No,” he says in a wobbly voice.

“I know,” Natalie coos, reaching out to touch his hair.

The feel of her touch makes him want her over here, to which she sits up off the table and sits between Phil and the arm of the chair, with Ethan comfortably sandwiched in between.

“Did they say something not nice about you?” Phil asks quietly. Ethan shakes his head.

“Somebody else?” Phil prompts, resembling a previous conversation held with him not so long ago.

Ethan nods, looking down, before he crawls into Natalie’s lap instead.

Phil reaches out and squeezes his knee. “Do you wanna tell me who it was they didn’t say something nice about?”

It’s then that Ethan’s breath hitches and his face crumples up as more tears squeeze from his eyes.

Phil coos at him, pulling himself closer until Phil and Nat practically have him crushed between them. None of them seem to care.

He lets out a few more sobs until they get him to calm.

When he sits up he seems a little better. He rubs at his eyes with the heels of his hands and takes in a deep breath.

“I think I wanna tell now,” he tells Phil, and Phil nods, offering him a comforting smile.

“Of course bud, go ahead when you’re ready.”

He takes another deep breath, looks at Nat who runs her fingers through his hair, and he turns back to Phil.

“I… I told everyone where we went on Friday,” he starts off in a quiet and unsure voice. He looks down, not meeting his look anymore.

“And I told them that I got to go with a friend. Noah,” he says, looking up.

Phil’s breath catches in his chest; if this is anything like the last conversation, then he supposed he has a fair idea of what could have happened.

“And I told him that your friend, Dan, came with us, Noah’s dad.”

Phil’s nods, showing Ethan that’s he listening.

“And- and well, I told them that Noah was my best friend, and that-“ he stops, looking down to fiddle with the hem of his polo shirt.

“That I thought it was cool that our dads liked each other because I wanted Noah and his dad to come live with us maybe.”

He doesn’t look back up and Phil feels his heart in his throat at his point. He swallows it down to look at Natalie, who smiles softly, reaching across Ethan to place her hand on his leg.

“Okay,” Phil manages to say, processing it all still. “Okay, then what happened.”

Ethan sniffs, wiping his eyes again. “Then someone said that you were a -“ he stops, to look at Phil.

His eyes hold so much emotion that Phil wonders if it’s even physically possible for an eight year old to be able to harbour that amount.

“Someone called you a rude word, mum said I can’t repeat it, but I knew what I meant, and I yelled at him, and then he said that if my dad is gay then it pretty makes me one too.”

With that he breaks, crawling forward and going to Phil as more little sobs escape him.

Phil wraps his arms around him and holds him, never ever wanting to let go.

“It was really horrible, dad,” Ethan whimpers. “Really horrible and nasty and it just…” he trails off.

“It just made you upset, didn’t it?” Natalie adds, voice quiet and calming. Ethan nods.

Phil isn’t really sure what to say; he doesn’t want to say the wrong thing, but then again he doesn’t think sitting here saying nothing would be much better either.

He’s had a chat with Ethan about the whole… gay thing, and so had Natalie - it wasn’t some huge announcement or some sort of formal talk, but rather something peppered into normal conversation whenever it came up.

Like the time Phil had been watching a live report on Manchester Pride one year, and a younger Ethan had sat down next to him and asked him what it all meant.

Phil didn’t need to give him some massive speech on things he probably wouldn’t really understand just yet, but he and Natalie most definitely hadn’t shielded him from any kind of knowledge about that. Like sometimes when Phil had the very few dates, after dropping Ethan off at Martyn’s, the next day he’d asked how it was and Phil would be sure to make sure he’d say “he” just to let Ethan know in a small way that yes - his dad dated other guys.

Or at least, tried to anyway.

Ethan sniffs again, wiping his nose with his hand and Phil feels the urge to pull him over and give him a hug. He wishes his son didn’t have to all of a sudden be the brunt end of a punch just because of his dads sexuality.

“C’mere,” Phil tells him, gesturing for him to come over with open arms. Ethan doesn’t hesitate to crawl back over and let himself be wrapped up by him.

Phil places a kiss against his head, nestled into his hair.

“I’m really proud of you for being so brave like that,” Phil says. “It’s not easy standing up to your bullies.”

Ethan sniffs again.

“And I’m always gonna be proud of you for that, no matter what.”

Ethan pulls away to look back up at Phil, eyes watery still.

“But why did they say that? Why did they have to be so mean?”

That’s one thing Phil doesn’t have a genuine answer for. He catches Natalie’s worried look behind Ethan.

Phil feels a frown tug on his face, pulling heavy.

There’s only so much Phil can really do to protect his child from the cruel parts of the world, and the older he gets, the more aware he’ll become - like now for instance.

There was a time that he’d overheard a couple of people come through on his PlayStation speakers on afternoon that Ethan was happily playing on, and that dreaded f word had been spoken with older voices that laughed and joked. Ethan had only questioned it once Phil had decided to change the settings to muted, and even then Phil had only explained that sometimes words could be used in hurtful ways even if said in ways others think is okay.

But obviously Ethan had understood it all a lot better than Phil had thought he had. He definitely was more aware than first guessed.

It makes him wonder how much he really understands, given the previous statement given to him about him knowing that Phil clearly liked Dan - along with the fact that he  _ wanted  _ Phil to get with Dan.

It makes him question what he really says to Noah, and if Noah ever relays that Dan. It makes him remember that one time Ethan had caught Phil snooping around in Dan’s room.

Had Ethan let slip even after a bribery pizza? How much else had Ethan picked up on and told, and the same with Noah to Ethan?

Ethan still blinks up at him, a sad look that Phil wishes he could change.

He wipes away a falling tear with his thumb.

“Sometimes people say things that are mean, and they don’t really understand how hurtful those things are,” Phil says - he can only assume that a bunch of nine year olds wouldn’t really understand the gravity of using such horrid slurs, and knows that considering it’s these three involved, that Natalie won’t let something like this slip - biased or not; children have the room to grow.

Ethan sniffs again and nods, looking tired now.

“You wanna go home?” Natalie asks, and his simply nods again.

“Alright. Let’s go home, yeah? Get into our pjs and maybe have some ice cream, yeah?”

His lips do finally turn a little into a small smile.

Natalie laughs lightly, “Sounds good, huh?”

Ethan looks up at her, “Mum, you can come as well, yeah?”

Natalie stops, and gives Phil a look.

“You’re more than welcome to come over for ice cream,” Phil offers with a small smile.

Maybe after his chat with Jimmy about Dan, it’d be best to get it over and done with Nat as well, especially with all things considering.

Come to think about it, he didn’t even tell her that Dan and Noah had come along on their little trip to his parents. It runs his blood cold for a moment, only imagining how angry she might become if she knew Phil had taken essentially a stranger to her, along on a trip with her son without running it by her first.

But she smiles sweetly at him and it melts any temporary fear away.

“One ice cream then,” she says, and that’s enough for Ethan to give a beaming smile of joy.

He supposes it’s a start.

*

Oven baked pizzas finished off, three tubs of ice cream and one last snuggle later, Ethan is tucked up in bed and Phil is sat on his couch with Natalie sat beside him.

It’s weird, he think, that he can’t remember the last time the two of them hung out here. This couch is used to just him of an evening, and it’s rather nice to have someone to stay just a longer.

“He’ll be okay, you know,” Natalie says in a soft voice.

Phil looks at her. “Yeah,” he nods. “He will be, won’t he?”

She hums, tilting her head back and looking across the room where a baby photo hangs on the wall. She smiles brightly.

“Such a good kid,” she eventually says. Phil hums in agreement.

“So, this Dan guy,” she sits up and looks at him, and Phil shifts in his seat.

“I was gonna tell you,” he says quickly, already feeling the beginnings of a anxious bubble in his stomach.

But she laughs, and it eases it away for now. “It’s okay,” she assures him, patting his leg. “I’m not that angry you didn’t tell me to be honest,” she says with a shrug.

“Oh,” Phil says. “Really?”

She nods, tucking her long hair behind her ear. “Is it like,” she pauses, looking at Phil, “serious kinda?”

Phil huffs a shaky laugh, looking down. “God, complicated is probably the right word for it,” he says looking back at her.

Her facial expression is soft and comforting, almost welcoming, and it makes sense that she’s a mother; she has that quality about her.

“Ethan told me. Said they left in the night for a family emergency, although I’m guessing that wasn’t the case, huh?”

Phil nods. “You’d be right about that.”

Natalie shuffles closer, tucking her legs underneath her and resting her hand on Phil’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

“I’m not really great at the whole romantic crap,” she laughs, “but from what Ethan’s told me, it seems you’re pretty much in love with this guy Phil, and that may be coming from a eight year olds brain, but I think he knows his stuff.”

Phil gives a weak laugh. “I think so.”

“You’re feeling guilty?” She says after a pause.

Phil simply shrugs his shoulders and grabs the pillow beside it and hugs it to his chest. Natalie hasn’t taken her hand away just yet and Phil’s grateful for that.

“I just,” He stops with a huff, “I just don’t wanna get this wrong,” he says as he looks back up at her.

“For me, for Dan, and for Ethan obviously.”

Natalie smiles soft, green eyes sparkling.

“Then you gotta work for it,” she tells him.

Phil blinks at her.

“Talk to him Phil, lay down the basics with him, tell him what you’re afraid of and who knows, maybe that’s exactly what he’s afraid of too.”

He’s not sure how this hadn’t occurred to him earlier - the same with Jimmy’s advice. How simple it was, yet something he’d never really considered.

“He’s a smart kid, Ethan,” Natalie says, then she smirks. “And it’s clearly from me, obviously.”Phil snorts a laugh and whacks her arm with the pillow gently.

“Which means he sees and understands more than he lets on. And if he can understand it, I’m betting that you and Dan can too,” she says. “You just have to meet in the middle.”

Phil looks at her, absorbing her words like its water and nods.

“Fuck,” he swears under his breath, “you’re so smart. How did you get so bloody smart?”

She grins, “Went to uni, remember? Met some dorky dimwit and kind of made a hybrid of the two of us.”

Phil laughs, “Oh really?” he plays along, “bet he was well good looking.”

Natalie rolls her eyes. “A little over average, at best,” she grins.

Phil raises his brows. “A little? That’s a bit offensive since you slept with the guy.”

Natalie laughs, leaning back a little. “Alcohol distorts perspective, babe.”

This time Phil hits her with the pillow a little harder, and Natalie grabs one beside her and smacks it across his head. He yelps in surprise and the two of them end up in a fit of giggles, trying to keep quiet.

After a while once they’ve calmed down, Natalie speaks.

“You’ll be okay though, yeah?” she speaks in a soothing voice, reaching over to run her hands through Phil’s dropping quiff.

Phil hums, taking her hand in his and squeezes.

“I just have to meet him halfway, yeah?” he whispers.

“That’s all it takes,” she whispers. Phil smiles at her.

It’s one little step towards something bigger. So it’s what he’ll do. Meet in the middle, and wherever that may be, he’ll get there. It’s all he has to do now. It’s the best he has to offer.

For Ethan, for himself. For Dan, for Noah even.

For something that might make his world change forever, and for once, it’s not a change that’s scary. It’s a change that excites him and makes him want to chase it.

And Jimmy and Natalie are right: he just has to go get it.

*

After Nat has left, and the apartment simmers into a night time level of quiet, with hushed traffic just outside, Phil tidies up the dinner and the deserts and makes his way back to bed.

Before he reaches his room however, he makes a stop at Ethan’s door, poking his head round where the door is open just a fraction, enough for light from the hallway to spill in, giving Phil enough to see his child fast asleep in his bed.

Being as quiet as he can possibly be, he pushes the door open and tip toes through.

He gets to Ethan’s bed, watching him as he sleeps so peacefully with the covers tucked under his chin, and all expression of worry and hurt and sadness that was all there earlier has seemingly been flattened out, and his face relaxes.

He bends over and presses a gentle kiss against his head, letting him lips linger for a second before pulling away. Ethan stirs, only slightly at the action, but stills again, blissfully unaware.

That’s what Phil wishes he could do for him, he thinks as he leaves the room, pulling the door over just a touch.

Wishes his son could stay that unaware forever, about all horrible things in life. But what kind of parent would he be if he did that? Hid him away from all sorts of reality, no matter how cruel.

He peels his clothes off once he gets to his room, and changes into lose pyjamas.

Natalie is right; Ethan’s a smart kid. Smarter than most, he likes to imagine.

As he climbs into bed he looks back on what’s happened so far: he’s had a large step with Ethan, made little ones with Jimmy and Natalie, and taken a good few steps forward finally with Dan.

He doesn’t feel anxious or worried or sad; not just yet at least.

Because he’s doing it: he’s going halfway.

And all he has to do is hope for is that Dan will be waiting for him there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


	23. Chapter 23

Friday rolls around, finally after what feels like a lifetime, and Phil wakes with a feeling of happiness in his chest.

He checks his phone, and he’s surprised to find that he’s woken before his alarm is supposed to blare it’s obnoxious ringing and he flops back and shuts his eyes.

Today he’ll see Dan. He’ll talk and they’ll maybe understand each other better - that’s the plan at least.

Rolling onto his stomach, he quickly finds out why he’s awake so early, and buries his head in his pillow.

He can’t remember the last time he’d gotten off; the closest time being the time on the Isle of Man, and that had died off fairly quickly.

He checks his phone again to be sure his eyes aren’t deceiving him, and once it does in fact tell him he has another half an hour until he needs to get up, he rolls onto his back and strains his ear for any sounds coming from any of the other rooms through his shut door.

There’s nothing that sounds like the stirring of a child, and although it would take that small amount of effort to get up and quickly lock his door, he instead opts to use it for reaching down and quickly grabbing himself where’s he beginning to grow harder in his own palm.

The drag is rough and dry, and he spreads his legs a little to get more comfortable as he arches into his touch.

His grip is now slicker, giving him the access to go faster. He thinks back to that time; the feeling of Dan so close to him, imagines those lips pressed against his mouth again, or maybe someplace else.

He wraps his whole fist around his head and pulls again, twisting and pulling and tugging in the ways he knows all too familiar that he likes.

He lets a little moan slip past his lips as he bucks his hips into his hand, using his free arm to sling across his eyes as he lets out tiny puffs of air.

It won’t take long now, he thinks as he feels the hot coil begin in his gut.

He chases it, going faster and harder, giving it a squeeze on the upstroke every now and then.

He thinks about Dan, unashamed and unafraid. He thinks of Dan and his face and his body and the few noises he knows already.

He thinks about kissing Dan, swallowing down one of his moans, and how it’d feel to be surrounded by him.

Thinks about how good it would feel to sink into him, or how fantastic it’d be to feel him inside.

With the idea in mind, and not much time left in his pocket of morning, he takes his free hand away from his eyes and reaches down inside his boxers, bumping knuckles with his tugging fist, and the pads of his fingers find that sweet spot just behind his balls.

Really wanting it now, he presses it only once, rubbing against it with skilled fingers, and a spark shoots through him and out of his dick as he gives a final swipe against his head as it pulses and throbs in his grip. His body arches and he lets out a groan through his bitten lips.

He’s made a mess, and he only has time to register how good of a wank that was until the alarm beside him starts off.

And surprisingly, he doesn’t even care that much.

*

“You look happy this morning,” is the first thing Jimmy says as he strides into work hours later.

Phil sits in his chair, unable to keep the smile off his face.

“Yeah?” Phil asks, looking up at where Jimmy is lent over his office divider.

Jimmy looks at him, perplexed for a moment before his face cracks into a grin.

“You spoke to him, didn’t you?”

Phil feels like a fool for the way his cheeks begin to hurt with the smile he has plastered on, but he can deal with that. He’s just feeling good today.

“I had a talk with Natalie,” Phil tells him as he starts his computer up.

“Yeah?” Jimmy nods, prompting him to go on.

“And I’m seeing Dan on Friday,” Phil smiles as he looks back up. “I’m thinking of asking him out maybe? So we can,” he tries to shrug nonchalantly but he can’t wipe the grin off his face.

“Talk,” he finishes.

Jimmy gives a snort of a laugh. “Okay Lester, just keep your giddy excitedness away from me,” he laughs. “It’s making me feel quite ill.”

Phil gives Jimmy a look, and the pair start to laugh.

Eventually once Phil’s been granted his morning coffee, Jimmy goes back to his desk and Phil gets on with his work.

For once he feels like he can fully concentrate. Like he’s on top of absolutely everything.

He’s poured his heart out to his best friends, built stronger bridges between his family and starting to hopefully patch things up with Dan.

Jimmy’s right; any more beaming happiness and everyone might be sick.

But Phil would let it happen, he’d let that happen if it meant having an ounce of what he’s feeling now forever.

*

He’s so head deep in his work load, that he doesn’t notice the clock going by, and soon enough, the working day has rolled to an end and people are happily packing up, ready for the weekend ahead.

Phil is quick to shut his computer down, organise the papers on his desk, before he yells out a goodbye to the near empty office, and when Jimmy calls out a ‘good luck!’ back, Phil walks all the way down and out to his car with his face stretched into a smile.

All he has to do now is pick Ethan up from school, maybe say hello to Nat, come home, wait a while and they’ll be headed to the pool.

The mere thought sends his stomach into flutters, and he shakes it away as he gets into the car and pulls out.

He hums along to the radio on the way there, and once he’s arrived at the school he still can’t stop smiling.

He’s greeted with Ethan at the door and Nat follows behind.

“Good day at school?” Phil asks, pulling him into a warm hug, looking up to Natalie as he does so.

Natalie nods.

“Yeah! It was really good! Mum said we should have an assembly about certain mean words and we’re gonna have one on Monday,” Ethan beams up at Phil.

Phil smiles back down at him, and gives his hair a quick ruffle.

“That sounds like a good idea, doesn’t it?”

Ethan nods.

Phil looks at Natalie, and mouths a thank you at her.

She only smiles gratefully.

With goodbyes said and last minute homework sheets grabbed, they’re headed home and Phil is practically itching to get home and get everything ready so they can leave and go straight to swimming.

“So,” Phil says, filling the silence, “you had a good day, hm? Learn anything cool?”

Ethan thinks, before his little face lights up, turning to Phil in excitement.

“Yeah! We learnt that otters, um, otters fall in love forever, dad, isn’t that cool?”

Phil laughs, looking at his son for a second, “That is cool, what else did you learn about otters?”

Ethan thinks again, “That they hold hands a lot. I think they like that, don’t you?”

Phil laughs again and nods, “I think they do. You like otters, hm?”

Ethan ignores him, and instead leans back in his seat.

“Do you think…. people have their own otters?” He asks after a while.

Phil gives him a confused look. “What, like a pet?”

Ethan shakes his head, “No,” he says, “like if otters have their favourite otter, do you think people can have their favourite person?”

Phil stares ahead at the road before him. “Yeah,” he says after a pause. “Yeah, like a soulmate.”

Ethan seems to understand, because his smile lights up again.

“Yeah!” He nods enthusiastically, “Like that!”

Phil shakes his head at him, laughing. “You’re asking me if I believe in soulmates?”

Ethan looks at him, settling in his seat.

There’s a beat of silence for a moment before he speaks again.

“No,” he says softly. “I’m asking you if you think you know who  _ yours _ is.”

Phil pulls his eyes away from the road to look at him; he has such a sincere look in his eyes and Phil wonders if maybe he’s wiser beyond his years more than Phil could imagine.

Or maybe that’s the blissful naive nature of children.

Either way, it’s a strange concept. But comforting also.

“I dunno,” Phil finally says once he has his focus back to driving. “I guess I’ll have to wait and see.”

*

Pulling up into the car park that’s swarmed in kids and parents coming in and out of the leisure centre sends a flurry of nerves in his tummy, as Phil takes Ethan through the main doors and right down the little corridor where the changing rooms are.

A few mums he recognises say hi and Ethan happily chats away to the friends he’d missed last week.

But as Phil pulls the goggles over his head, he doesn’t manage to catch sight of Dan. Head down, he eventually tidied their things away and ushers Ethan out the room towards the pool where Phil can already hear the chatter or people and splash of water.

“Dad, isn’t Noah coming?” Ethan asks, looking up as they meet the door. Phil rests a hand on his shoulder, ready to tell him that perhaps not, or that he isn’t sure, when suddenly the door behind them swings open and Phil finds himself spinning on his heels, almost slipping from old pool water, to see Dan stood there, staring over across the room at Phil.

They must look like a right couple of weirdos, because eventually Ethan is laughing and skipping over towards them where he engulfs Noah in a tight hug.

The two adults are snapped out of their trance and Phil watches the interaction between the two kids. When Ethan pulls away he’s grinning at him.

“Come on Noah, hurry up!”

Dan gets his swimming stuff out and Phil kinda stands there unsure.

“We’ll meet you out there?” Dan finally speaks as he’s crouched down, helping Noah out of his little shoes.

Phil swallows, mouth feeling impossibly dry, and nods before he calls Ethan back.

Ethan head off towards the steps where his lesson is beginning and Phil quickly takes a seat, being sure to pick somewhere with a spare seat beside it.

He stares down at it, until eventually Dan comes into focus and he’s sat beside him.

A whistle blows somewhere and a kid laughs loud enough to bounce off the walls with an echo.

The sound of splashing water starts up, and Phil can even still hear the sound of his pounding heart in his chest despite the noise around him.

He looks to Dan, only to realise he’s already looking at him.

“Hi,” Phil says dumbly. Dan smiles.

“Hi.”

He’s missed that voice, missed that smile and that face and overall just missed  _ Dan.  _ He wonders if Dan’s missed him at all, and although it’s a pressing question in the back of his mind, he keeps it there, afraid to speak his mind and come across a fool.

But it seems Dan’s some sort of mind reader, or maybe just on the same level once again, because he grins again, eyes going soft.

“I missed you, you know.”

It sounds genuine, with his voice gentle and his eyes swim with a whole ocean of intensity.

“I missed you too.” Phil says back, and his voice barely sounds like it goes above a whisper, but Dan hears him nonetheless with the giggle he lets slip.

“How’ve you been? How was Kath and Nigel?” Dan asks suddenly, running his tongue across his bottom lip, drawing Phil’s attention to the bitten and cracked skin there.

His heart does a funny twist. “They’re okay,” Phil tells him, clearing his throat.

He’s afraid of the conversation slipping into something of pretence. He doesn’t want to sit here and smile and ignore what’s happened. He doesn’t want to have that conversation at the pool of all places, but he hopes Dan isn’t trying to ignore it.

He hopes he doesn’t ignore it himself either.

“They were worried about you,” Phil tells him, feeling brave, but his voice wavers slightly, and he’s sure Dan won’t hear it over a shrill scream of a child somewhere.

But Dan frowns.

“ _ I _ was worried about you, we were all worried about y-“

He’s cut off when there’s a loud sharp whistle sounding and the pair of them jump, turning their heads to the sound of the commotion. They can’t quite see from here and a few parents are now poking their heads out to have a look.

Phil takes a steady breath, and turns back to Dan, building his confidence with each passing second.

But he’s instead met with Dan springing up out of his seat to look across the pool over the heads of a bunch of adults and parents.

Phil looks up before standing up with him.

Phil’s about to ask Dan what’s wrong, when suddenly he hears a teacher yell and a few other staff members are making their way to the poolside quickly.

He hears the round of gasps come from each parent like a wave, and suddenly there’s another splash, a small silence, another smaller splash and then -

A cry.

A few more parents are stood up now, but Phil gets a look, his heart in his throat when he sees a child clinging to a staff member.

It’s Noah, and Ethan is trailing behind them with a concerned look, wet feet trying to keep up with quick paces.

It doesn’t take long for Dan to take off, pushing past plastic chairs to get to his son where he reaches over and takes him from the teachers arms.

Noah happily goes, and wraps his arms around Dan’s neck tight like a baby monkey.

Phil can only sit and stand and watch as Noah buries his little tearful head in the crook of Dan’s neck, not caring that Dan’s shirt is now soaked through with the pool water that drips off the boy.

“He had a bit of a bump on the head,” the teacher speaks with an edge of uncertainty. Her hands hover beside Noah’s back, like she’s wanting to reach out and comfort him.   
  
Dan rubs his back instead with steady circles.  
  
“Hey,” Dan says in a low voice, tapping his son on the shoulder.  
  
Noah gives a few sniffles before he eventually pulls away. It’s evident then of what’s happened.  
  
He has a cut above his brow; it doesn’t look too deep or dangerous, but it does trickle with a stream of watery blood.  
  
Phil’s gaze flickers from Dan to the teacher then to Ethan who looks on in horror, and it’s only then that Phil realises all the other parents are clearly more invested in this scenario than their own kids, and it makes Phil feel uncomfortable in a way.  
  
“He was unconscious under the water,” the teacher adds hastily, “but only for a second. We got him out and he was alright.”   
  
It sounds like she’s maybe trying to convince herself if anything.  
  
But Dan gives her a sympathetic smile as Noah rests his poor head again.   
  
“It’s okay,” Dan tells her, sounding a bit sad if anything, “I think I’d best see a doctor thought, just in case.”  
  
The teacher nods in agreement. “Of course, absolutely.”  
  
Dan nods and Phil is still stood watching when Dan turns to face him.  
  
“We’re going, right dad?” Ethan speaks before Phil even gets the chance.  
  
Phil looks at him, wide expecting eyes as water drips from his fridge and freely into his eyes, before Phil looks at Dan again, clutching a tired looking Noah.  
  
They hold eye contact for all of three seconds before Phil turns back to a now shivering Ethan.  
  
“Go get dressed then, yeah?”  
  
*  
  
They take Phil’s car, mainly because Phil can see the way Dan’s face has gone a little pale as the blood from Noah’s head hasn’t ceased yet, and so they ride up front with Ethan buckled in the back.  
  
It feels weird when the four of them slot back in their seats once again, like nothing had really changed since the last time they’d been here.  
  
Except so much had. Everything had changed. And it was still all changing.

They reach the hospital quickly, thank god, and Phil makes Dan get out whilst he finds somewhere to park. Ethan stays behind with him to find any spare change strewn on the floor to pay for parking.

“Why d’you have to pay parking at a hospital?” Ethan asks as he hands his dad a spare 50p he finds under the seat.   
  
Phil takes it and ruffles his damp hair as a thank you. “Because sometimes things are difficult,” he replies.   
  
It doesn’t take long to find Dan and Noah; they’re sat in a fairly busy waiting room. Dan smiles when he spots Phil come through the door.   
  
“Have you spoken to anyone yet?” Phil asks as he takes a look around at the bustling room, he’s not sure why, but the comfort of the many pacing doctors and nurses and other various staff members that whiz past them, gives him little ease.   
  
Dan nods, shifting Noah closer on his lap where he looks almost asleep now.   
  
“Said it shouldn’t be too long,” Dan tells him with a quiet voice. Maybe he’s tired too.   
  
Phil takes a plastic seat beside him and nods. Before he knows it, Ethan is crawling into his lap too. He’s engulfed in one of Phil’s old hoodies he'd found slung in the back of the car, the sleeves overlapping his entire arms. He snuggles down in it and curls up against Phil’s chest. Phil smiles and holds him.   
  
He glances across to Dan, who presses a gentle kiss to Ethan’s head, where his hair is still damp and a little bit matted with blood.    
  
The sight is enough to make his stomach roll; he couldn’t imagine what he’d do if he were in Dan’s position. If Ethan were to get seriously hurt, he’d probably run around like a headless chicken.   
  
The mere idea makes him wrap his arms around his boys middle and give him a squeeze. His knees ache and his legs burn from the weight, and soon enough he’ll be too big to fit on his dad’s lap.   
  
But he’ll soak up every moment he can get until then. Even the moments spent on uncomfortable plastic chairs; it’s all worth it for the feeling of his face buried in his neck where it feels safest. His heart could almost ache at the thought.   
  
Phil feels like they’ve been there for hours, both boys growing more tired with each passing minute, until a nurse approaches them. She has a kind smile and sparkly eyes and bright red hair pinned back into a bun.   
  
“Noah Howell?” She says, looking down at the youngest who has a fistful of Dan’s shirt in a tight grip.   
  
Dan stands with Ethan still holding onto him.   
  
The nurse smiles at him kindly, then looks between Dan and Phil.   
  
“And are you dads?”   
  
Phil feels his breath hitch in his throat and the nurse just blinks at him.   
  
“Yeah, I’ll go,” is what Dan says.    
  
Phil can’t find the words, laying heavy at the bottom of his stomach where they just sit there as he nods and watches Dan and Noah and the unsuspecting nurse walk away and disappear.   
  
Ethan stirs a little as there’s a burst of a siren wailing far off somewhere. “He’ll be alright, won’t he?”

Phil rubs his back, and kisses his head. “Yeah,” he tells him, still looking the double doors that now swing back and forth empty. “It’ll be alright.”

 

*

He comes through the same doors he’d disappeared from, and when the doors swing open to reveal him, Phil feels like he’s been doused in cold water.

His eyes are tired looking, bruised and heavy around the rims, and his hair is disheveled, poking up from up off his head. He looks utterly tired, like he could curl up and sleep straight away.  
  
His eyes meet Phil’s and despite the exhaustion etched across his face, he manages a twitch of his lips that could emit to a smile.  
  
He meets him where he was once sat and Phil stands, Ethan is awake now, although barely, but he slips off Phil’s lap to look up at Dan expectantly.  
  
“He has a concussion,” Dan tells him, his voice sounds croaky and distant. “There gonna give him a few stitches but he’s okay.”  
  
Phil feels the worry ebb away from him, his shoulders slump from all the tension they’d been holding.  
  
He lets it all out in a long huff of air that comes out a little shaky. “Oh, good. That’s good.”  
  
Dan nods with a hum before he shoves his hands into his trouser pockets. “Yeah,” he nods again. “Thanks for waiting around. I really appreciate it.”  
  
He smiles at him, warm and kind and it settles in Phil’s chest. “Of course,” he whispers, unable to really use his voice.  
  
“You’re probably tired,” Dan says, looking down at Ethan who is leaning up against Phil with the sleep that makes him heavy.  
  
Phil looks down at him, ruffling his still damp hair. “It’s okay. When will they let him go, we’ll give you a ride home.”  
  
It’s like second nature.  
  
But Dan shakes his head. “No, really, Phil go home, it’s okay.”  
  
Phil feels that cold feeling in his chest again that crackles across him like freezing water. “What? No, it’s fine, I don’t mind waiting a little longer, do we Eth?”  
  
He looks down to where Ethan shakes his head, trying his best to give Dan a smile.  
  
Dan smiles warmly at the two of them, “That’s nice of you but really, Phil, it’s alright.”  
  
Phil can feel the crease in his forehead that comes with the more he frowns, deeper and deeper.  
  
But Dan seems to notice and pulls his hand from his pocket to rest it against Phil’s shoulder. It feels warm, like it belongs.  
  
Like it’s always belonged.  
  
“Thank you, Phil. For today, really.”  
  
He doesn’t move his hand.   
  
“How will you get home?” Phil asks.  
  
His hand slips away from him, fingers lingering however, like they never truly wanted to leave.  
  
“It’s okay, someone should be here soon,” he says with a thin lipped smile.  
  
With that, Phil hears the growing sound of clicking heels come up behind him, and with the twist of his body, he’s greeted by a suited woman who is hurrying towards them. Dan smiles at her, and it’s evident that the pair know each other.  
  
“Dan, hi,” she says is a breath, tucking red hair behind her ear. She reminds Phil of Natalie somehow.  
  
“Hey, don’t worry, he’s okay, everything’s fine,” he says quickly, hands back in his pocket, and she nods understandably.  
  
“Good. Lovely,” she says with a blink. She looks towards Phil, and her red lips pull into a smile.  
  
“Oh, you’re Phil, aren’t you?” She beams and Phil feels his ears grow hot. How does this woman know him? Had Dan told her about him? Who was she to Dan?  
  
Phil nods and rests his hand on Ethans shoulder where he can feel him slumping again.  
  
“Hi, nice to meet you,” Phil says politely.  
  
She looks down at Ethan and coos. “You’re a tired looking little man, aren’t you?”  
  
Ethan goes unbothered by her words, and instead rests his full weight against Phil’s leg and shuts his eyes.  
  
“Yeah,” Phil chuckles awkwardly, giving Ethan’s shoulder a gentle squeeze. “I should probably get him to bed.”  
  
She nods again, her perfectly manicured hair swishing, and Phil is looking up at Dan again.  
  
He goes to say something - maybe a goodnight or something else; he’s not sure, but a nurse is calling his name once more and Dan and the woman are looking in her direction.  
  
Dan looks back at Phil, mouth opening, ready to maybe say something but for once, Phil beats him to it.  
  
“Go.” Phil assures him.  
  
Dan’s eyes flicker across his face, before he lets out a breath.  
  
“Thanks again,” he whispers, before he’s spinning on his heel and rushing to where the nurse is smiling at him, the red haired woman in tow close behind.  
  
Phil watches for a second before he picks his son up and carries him close. He may weigh something more now than when he was little, but Ethan still wraps his arms around his neck and sighs into his shoulder where his nose is nuzzled against.   
  
Phil squeezes him extra tight.  
  
*  
  
When they get home, Ethan is pretty much already asleep. Phil puts him in his bed with his big hoodie still wrapped up around him. He tucks him into bed and pushes his wild hair off his hair. It’s gone a little crusty with the leftover chlorine but he’ll wrangle him into a shower maybe tomorrow.  
  
He stands there for a moment in the darkness, watching his son breath easily. He reaches down and runs his hands through his hair, bending down to press a gentle kiss to his forehead.  
  
He eventually leaves, stealing one last glance at his sleeping boy before heading towards his own bed. His phone is almost dead by the time he plugs it into the wall where it clings to its last drips of battery life.  
  
He’s stripping of his clothes when it buzzes. Glancing over it, he picks it up when he sees the name.  
  
**dan:** _thanks again btw we just got home everything okay noah is a little tired but he’s alright_

Phil slips into the warmth of his bed, feeling soft washed sheets tickle against his bare legs.

**phil:** _ it’s okay. i’m glad he’s alright. i’m glad you’re both alright _

He hits send and stares down at his message. It doesn’t take long for a reply to come through.

 **dan:** _i’m sorry we didn’t get a lot of time to talk today_

Phil feels his breath hitch in his chest. He’s swallowing the dryness in his mouth when his phone buzzes again

 **dan:** _if u still wanna talk u can come over tomorrow? i’m sure noah will probably want to hang out with ethan again_

 **dan:** _if that’s alright_

 **dan:** _because i really want to see you again_

Phil no longer feels that freezing water in his chest, but instead the burst of warmth, like the crackle of a fire lit up inside of him.   
  
He’s quick to reply.

**phil:** _of course. i’ll see u tomorrow_

**Author's Note:**

> come say hi on tumblr !! @watergator


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